Day 41-43: Detox gone wrong...

Last week, my rather ambitious plan to not curse, gossip or mock my fellow mignions backfired badly. Monday went really well but it was really just downhill from there.

On Monday I got away with a single swear word even though I had to deal with those over-bearing numbnuts from class, with all due respect. I still went home im a haze of good feelings. Clearly I was hardly concerned about mocking people coz I laid it out as nicely as I could put it for big eared Brandy who hardly ever has her hair up for those very reasons.... Something had to give I guess and she was the weakest link on Day One of Detox. She may have taken it in the friendly spirit that it was intended but really I may have taken it too far. Luckily we buddies! So not so bad...

Tuesday picked up from where the previous day had left off. I was in the zone until we had to do a recording. I had two whole lines but kept fluffing them. Which brought on some natural choice phrases which only served to increase my frustration. Hence more mistakes. And further cursing.... So Tuesday was a write-off...

Wednesday evoked some cursing of the good kind... Ecstasy has that effect so I couldn't feel bad... By then I had given up on a family friendly vocab week...

As far as gossiping goes... That's all people do... Talk about others... It's remarkable, just how much of that goes on. So my approach was to try not to comment on it or get involved. Just listen, I guess or walk away. I ain't tryna isolate myself which would be the quickest way to not gossip.

So I told my Sunday School kids that it's only gossip if you talk about somebody behind their backs. My ex, who I was helping with his MBA Accounting course, had this quote in mind. "small minds talk about people, medium/average minds talk about events, great minds talk about ideas...'
He figures that talking about ideas would revolve around what makes people act the very way that they do... Instead of discussing the very person that did said action. While the event discussion is just around what took place without focussing on the people that were part of said event. So I'ma share that with my kids.

Shorty and I were supposed to go to a play premiere on Saturday except it's actually on Tuesday. It wasn't until I double checked the invite that I clicked much to my annoyance. He took it well and even went as far as saying, we'll go on Tuesday... Speaking of Tuesday... My previous employer is keen for me to take up the Talent and Artist Rep position... Sorta like your AnR... The interview is on Tuesday and if I get it, it will mean better pay and connects and even travelling... Its all gravy but what about the internship... I'm keen to be on radio... Not to go back behind the scenes... Again I'm banking on faith... Crossroads... My ex's word of the week... Yet again, it's not my plan hey...

Day 37-39: Get up and Go!

There aren't many things in this world that are truly inspiring and motivating. As I get older, more cynical, jaded and hella clued up, I realise that it takes quite a bit to move me. Which sets the bar really high for the usual entertainment-worthy stuff like tv shows, movies, music and of cause the opposite sex. My family and church, on the other hand, manage to do so without much effort while the other catagories pretty much struggle to make me sit up and take notice.

Let's begin with the opposite sex. Because of a little thing called Oepidus Complex, any significant liasion has been at the hands of a chocolate-skinned, tallish, handsome nigga with an air of arrogance and smoker's breathe. He don't give a rat's ass and can articulate as much. Humorous and engaging. Great smile with awesome teeth. Good vibes. Brush cut. He also only really becomes emotional around me. And makes me feel like an eight year old girl, believes in me and makes me believe it. That's my DAD. Summed up.

That's a grand order for any man. Nevermind one that has spent much time in the sun. If he's lucky I'll settle but then I'll be out before the four months are through so settling really does nobody any favours. (four months = my longest relationship period).

Truth is I probably painted a madd idealic picture of The One (HE/SHE lies within by the way). But wait... there's more... He must be honest, ambitious, self-sufficient and most importantly, God-fearing. Spit facts, hustle, go after your dreams and have a lil faith... Faitha faitha faitha.... My list is not all that impossible coz I have met guys that fit most of the bill. Finding a cutie who checks out the whole list, now that's the tricky part. And chances are, he'll only live in my son for now. [speaking of offspring, my cousin gave birth over the week. Which probably explains the dream. Hopefully. Such a premonition would suck.]


Lover comes madd close, I must say. So close, I'm thinking how will I ever get over him? Especially after today. Thankfully, of late, everytime I meet a new guy, he is that much closer to what I'd like to see in my man. So I'm keen to see what the future holds in that department. Well not right now, in a few months time.

Day 30: And it and it begins...

He walks outside for a cigarette break/ And thinks how many cigarettes does it take/ He takes a long drag with the sun in his eye/ He squints, he thinks, he starts to sigh/ Sometimes he cry/ When he thinks about his girlfriend on his side/ She held it down/ She made him better/ Fought the love through fucked up weather/ And she thinking about her life/ With no more work, just being a wife/ But instead her love, she gave it to a man/ Who fought against her lovely plans/ So when she go to work plus go to school/ Plus fight the love, she must feel like a fool/ She want the ease to come after pain/ She fight for love, that's her campaign/ We fight, we love...
[Q-tip ft Raphael Saddiq... We Fight, We Love]

I may have been raring to go yesterday but after barely getting through the day... I'm deflated and emotionally exhausted... Pretty much the personification of a Blue Monday... [The same way, according to some guy on the radio, that Obama is the personification of globalisation because of his 360 degree view of the world ie not jus Europe inclined like his predecessor was... That's one helluva compliment... But I digress...]

I started off the day with a session with one the country's leading radio brains. Not only is Bob Mabena, four decades of prime rib experience, he is also hella easy on the eye. That never hurts. Although, his daughter is a mere three years younger than me... Hectic.

During the smoke break, I checked up on fb like any normal fb fundi would do. And to my suprise Lover had sent me a message, dripping with pain, sadness... expressing his guilt and tacit reluctance to continue creeping... My heart sank... The end is nigh I thought... So I called him... To get a clearer picture? Probably to put the nails in the coffin... He sounded the way I felt. The weight of the world on his shoulders. He'd seen his kid during the weekend and the episode had made him think hard about putting her in a broken home.

And of cos, I understood. Its logic and totally reasonable. That doesn't make it any less hurtful. If anything, I shouldn't be in this situation to begin with. But alas... Plus everything happens for a reason.... Right?! Please! That didn't stop the tears. And my day was screwed from that moment. A random chat with somebody, got the waterworks going. And I never cry in front of people. Especially in a work space. In fact at my last job, it took five months for my breakdown to occur. Four weeks is a personal record. On three different occasions during the afternoon, I bawled [twice in a toilet, the last one was just before I went home... That ugly sort of cry that makes it look like you got beat up and makes you sound like someone died...luckily I had a trucker hat on...]

So now I threw myself at God's mercy coz even though, I messed up... The cool thing about being in a bad place, you can only look up... Tough times draw you closer to God... So maybe that's the lesson... I dunno... I'm clutching at straws here... Once again, I've managed to hurt myself. With even more intensity than before. But I've also managed to feel more... So much... So good... And I wouldn't trade those moments for nothing... Maybe another time... Coz honestly, that affinity wouldn't allow me to pull away. And his sadness, our sadness confirms that...

But that's that. My footprint moment. This too shall pass. He'll carry me through... He always does.

Day 13 and 14... Oh how much can change...

Life has a funny way of pulling you up by the underwear and reminding you that for the most part, you have zero control. Life wedgies tends to happen when you start walking and talking as though 'you on top of everything'... It's a leader's plight... A boss's life... More accurately, a pain in the arse! I will concede, however, that it does make for an interesting living. It saves us from the monotony of knowing everything and being suprised by nothing.

God's grace lives within those moments of serendipity. It's when He is having a grand ol chuckle at presumed human intelligence. It's when I realise, for the umpteenth time, that what's meant to be will be, despite my actions.
But if I choose to be obsessive about something, I can be sure to forget to enjoy the experience and really only notice that I'm no good at doing the very thing that I'd rather not do. Just like The Secret says. Elementary, my dear Wandile!

Ok, let me get to you up to speed. On Friday, our first fortnight at work, expired. In retrospect, my attempt at being focussed and disassociated from work politics pretty much failed. Well, the way I sorta see it.... I had to know what's going on without being in the thick of things. In order to suss out some people. But really, we are all just sussing eachother out. But what's the point of that? Getting bogged down in the utterances and even indiscretions of a fellow contestant. That's not gonna help you win. If anything, that's hella unfocussed. I only gotta really worry about impressing the final decision-makers. Not my rivals. They have no say.

And isn't that like this life. Being concerned with Joe Soap next door really ain't gonna score points with God. And He ain't gonna wanna hear about him during his one-on-one with you. So I need to maximise my actions and stop being so obsessed with a false sense of security ie playing the game. This isn't a reality show. Although it may feel like it, complete with a competitive edge. Truth is reality shows are all fiction. TV IS A LIE. And you'd think I'd know that...

The rest of Feb will see me right in the hub of radio. Production. I didn't plan on being there so quick but everything happens for a reason right. So I'm hella excited to learn some technical stuff, such as recording etc. Who knows, I could do a voice-over. Now that I'm (slightly a lil more) open to the experience, I plan on taking it on in bite-size chunks. Fortnight by fortnight. And forget the six month up hill climb ahead. Step by step. Day by day. Or else, I could very well collapse from information overload, brain freeze or even constant anxiety. I can do this! Because I am here, I am worthy.

When I started writing this, I really had no clue as to where I was going with it. Now that it's out, I'm suprised and a lil relieved that I didn't touch on the activities that made these past coupla days so damn menacing. I'd rather not say. But I spent Vday alone and Friday's party, my first proper outing all year, was hella fun and eye-opening. My search for the self continues and I'm finding pieces of me in many of the new people coming my way... It's nice... And by the time I turn 23 in two weeks, I'll hopefully be walking into 2009 with a more steadY strut! A la Manhattan....