Day 41 - 46: Blog Challenge - Ten Things I Love about You

As you know, I've been threatening to complete this blog challenge for the past few weeks now... It took forever because I figured I couldn't do it in a hurry... Coz this is very close to my heart... well, today, right this moment, I've decided that everything can wait...


I walked in this morning to find a bunch of red roses and a box of chocolates on my desk..no card...no clue... I was genuinely surprised and my Monday was no longer blue... Cutie wasn't even on my radar coz in the run up to the Valentine's Day weekend, he was adamant about "not believing" in Vday...

So imagine my shock when I called him and he admitted that he was behind the lovely surprise on my desk... so here I am... completely and utterly keen to do this...coz I have one more very big thing to add to this list....

...10 things I love about Cutie... to Cutie...

1. I love your smile... so I make a point of making you smile/laugh all the time... coz you're so beautiful when you're doing it... I love contributing to your happiness...
2. I love the way you hold me close and send butterflies all over my body... every single time. I could never tire of holding your hand....
3. I love the way you kiss me... so gently and genuinely... and tenderly... I swear my lips were made for yours...
4. I love the way you are so caring and considerate..pretty much the exact opposite of me...you've made me want to be a better person... I wanna measure up to you...
5. I love the way you love your family...especially your sisters and mother... it's hella comforting...
6. I love the way you love your lil nephew... I love kids...um..I'll leave it there...
7. I love the way that you're able to stand up to me..balls of steel...what a MAN!
8. I love how childish you can be...completely idiotic..
9. I love the way you can be in the moment...
10. I love your desire to be bigger, better, bolder..the good way..via hardwork and such... it's motivating....
11. I love the way you always got my back, you never put me down.. you're so gentle and kind...
12. I love your sheer sexiness..omg! Nuff said!
13. I love the way you get all shy about your good looks… and compliments in general…
14. I love all of you! from your bitten finger-nails to your Denzel Washington 'fro..wouldn't change you for nothing...even though you look ten-times hotter clean cut (and who thought that was possible)
15. I love how you've accepted me for being brash, rude, cold and just wack at times..and you love me still...
16. I love how you'll pay attention and take my opinion in and still disagree with me..lol...
17. I love it when you say exactly what I'm thinking and vice-versa... or better yet, we'll say the same thing at the same time...
18. I love it when you call me/text me... at the same time as me or just as I was about to do it...
19. I love how you'll check on me and ask "u ok"?
20. I love how I can tell when something is bugging you..and then I'll have to basically drag the truth out of you..and then once you've told me... you'll feel slightly better..
21. I love being there for you...
22. I love you for letting me in...
23. I love that you still make me nervous... and gimme butterflies..after nearly a year...
24. I love that I love you more today then I ever did... and it just keeps growing...
25. I love looking into your eyes..and feeling the love...
26. I love thinking about you..and feeling the glow...
27. I love your daily texts/calls/mails...
28. I love that I don’t think that I deserve you..and the daily incredulity that surrounds the concept of “us”…
29. I love the fact that you know how to keep surprises... I could learn that too...
30. I love the way you say "I love You"..when I least expect it..when you mean it most..

so that wasn't quite ten..times that by three in fact.. and I'm sure there's much more..but for now...I'll leave it there... coz my insides feel like they've just mushed into one big potjie kos..gross...lol

Day 06-24: Five Stages of Grief

When I'm nervous, I bite my nails. As I type this, my left thumb nail is in my mouth, scrapping up against one of my top front-teeth. The only reason why I have yet to nibble through it, is simple really. I hate, absolutely despise, the way my fingers look once I've demolished my nails. So I'd rather not. Even though I have every reason to...

This week has possibly been the best and worst week all wrapped in one... Tuesday was good as I got my drivers license... Finally. Truth is I've lost count as to how many times I've had to take a driving test. Think I lost count at five. And in all honesty, I'd rather not recount all those failed attempts. Getting my drivers was like getting my degree. Unbelievable freedom! Feel like I'm growing up... FAST!

Anybody that has conscious been through growing-pains knows that they are almost never pleasant. And in order for the good to feel half as awesome then you gotta have some bad times to supplement that. And boy did I get my fair share of shit this week. Let me indulge in some self-pity for a sec...

On my return from my one-day leave on Wednesday, I drove to work and got stuck in the worst kinda Pretoria-Joburg traffic. The kind that makes you wish so desperately that you lived in Joburg. Goodness knows, I've been looking for accomodation near work and now that I can drive my car legally, I can widen my geographical search for a Jozi home.

Well, all this home-hunting has to take place in between work. Now before I could get carried away, I was unfortunately stuck in traffic.So I wasn't gonna go far for a while. If anything, I was only succeeding in annoying my superior. Well, to be honest, she was annoying me with nonsensical emails about my tardiness (complete with my boss copied). So rich coming from the queen of african time!

However, that's no excuse for being late. I accept that. But bitchy emails do nothing to ease the congestion on the N1 North highway. Don't even get me started on my frustration. Unless I can learn how to drive like a taxi-driver, there's no way, I can get to work on time and avoid the clogging up of my inbox... So until I've moved to Jozi, I don't think that I'll be on time for work anytime in the near future especially with the never-ending rainy weather and continuous construction on the road. She'll jussss have to be strong!

Still on the subject of exasperating motha-truckers... Oh my gosh... Traffic is bitch. Bumper-to-bumper aint no joke. It's hella tiring. After all that driving, I wanna get to work and have a power nap! I need a place fast!

Meanwhile, the adventures of Kp and Cutie are feeling more and more like the five stages of grief. And I may have mentioned this before but it feels like we're about to reach a climax... I caught the season premiere of Grey's Anatomy today. And everybody was beat up over George's death. Meredith, the narrator, spoke of Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and finally Acceptance...

After hanging out with Cutie on Friday, I felt the way I usually felt after a typical night out with him. I felt more in love (can't believe that's still possible). I felt closer to him. I felt more heart-break at having to part ways. An overwhelming sadness...

As the five stages of grief we're discussed on Grey's, I automatically equated their loss of George, to mine. The loss of us, of Cutie. I've often thought that the only way to really get past this is to deal with it like death. Coz death leaves you with no options. Eventually, you must accept and carry on.

With a(n amicable) break-up, you may circle around various stages of grief, before you actually suck it up and get over it. How many times have I been in denial? Explaining and excusing his behaviour even when he was hella deceitful. Here I am, loving him more that ever. I've also been angry more times than I care to remember. But I don't believe in anger so more accurately, it was how I dealt with feelings of rejection, being ashamed and feeling like I'm not good enough. I lashed out... And once I had calmed down, I began to bargain it out in my head. The feelings of wanting him near, would not go away so instead of dealing with it, I excused it all and figured that it wouldn't be that bad to hang out and lo and behold, like clockwork, we always picked up where we left off... And now that he's determined to take on 2010, without me by his side, in the quest to be "the man that I deserve"... He's left me so sad. It reminds me of when I was 17 and I was crazy about this guy that had a girl. He cheated with me and within weeks, deserted me. By that time, I was hooked. And I cried for months, way into my first year of varsity...

This Cutie Depression brings good news and bad news. Now that I'm at this stage, I'm clearly or theoretically getting closer to accepting the situation. On the other hand, there could be months of tears ahead especially if the past few months are anything to go by! Either way, I wish 2010 would fly by...

Day 298-304: Where Do Palpitating Hearts Go? Part I

The other day (Monday I think), my supervisor who is a lil loony walked in and said that she had a dream or nightmare that I walked into work and complained that I was anxious. The way she told the story, you could tell that she woke up in a state. To top it all off, she alluded to being right when she has "dreams" like that. I was a lil freaked but mostly dismissive coz she's so damn dramatic so I take her declarations with a pinch of salt coz they so damn laughable. It was rather absurd coz I was feeling so good, so good, so good, so good... Cutie and I were working through some thangs... I was feelin positive about my goals and the new week... I had a good rest over the weekend and my kids' Nativity play had gone very well. I was, for the lack of a better word, "happy". And mind you- I hate to just throw that word around... I guess right now, that feeling was the closest thing to happy compared to the way I'm feeling now.

Not even two days later, here I am. ANXIOUS as fk.

I've told lots of stories about Cutie's deceit before. So I'm hella embarrassed and humiliated to be here again after I had mistakenly thought that we were making progress. I was even thinking that maybe LOVE has to hurt so that you can tell how good it feels. It's like sunshine after a long bout of chilly rain. You ache for it to tingle all over your body...

Well, Cutie has been going through some things as far as his ex-gf is concerned. Lets call her M. She is apparently in a very bad space, complete with a unsupportive family, bad health and no job. The way he explained it is that even though he was over it, he felt that he couldn't just abandon her the same way that all her other tertiary buddies had. Now it takes a strong woman to be ok with the guy she digs playing Nurse to his ex. Even I couldn't deal with it but I dealt with it. I even asked to meet her. This has yet to happen. And after revelations from seven hours ago, I doubt it ever will.

So Cutie had taken M to the doc to get checked out. No medical aid means hefty private health bills so I contributed a lil something something. Despite his mild objections, he took the money and saw the doc yesterday. When he returned, he showed me some of the meds. And now that I've thought about it, when I look at the pills, I naturally checked the name on the slip, half-expecting it to say M's first name but instead it was a long-ass African name... N. I thought maybe she signed up with her real name, not her slave name so I let i go but the whole time as he was narrating the doctor's appointment, I felt that he wasn't telling me something. Just a hunch. And I said as much. He denied. I asked repeatedly and eventually just blamed it on paranoia.
Even though, I know better. My ex-flame from two years ago, who, ironically enough, has been hollering at me recently... Well, he used to say "paranoia is also instinct". I didn't get then but now I do but as I've said before, instinct is only proven after the fact...

While Cutie and I were talking and making out, my fears about M sorta disappeared. Coz he was with me, I guess. Well, during the kissing, I got all emotional and for the life of me, I couldn't understand why I was on the verge of tears... And neither could he...

I figured it out during the ride home... All that I wanted seemed like it was finally coming together... It seemed like a certain reality that we'd end up together like normal folk coz he was even talking about cutting ties with M. He said it would be "the right thing to do" even though it would hurt her. I didn't quite understand. Now I sorta do.


But back to that in a sec... My emotional moment came from me being scared of being hurt again by him coz I could feel myself fallin harder n harder. I explained that to him and apologised profusely for my girly-pants attitude... He said it's ok... I'm an awesome person. Naturally.

When we spoke today, he said that he had dropped off M's pills last night and she was coming along nicely. Relief. My show didn't go too well coz my presenter failed to pitch and had to be replaced withing five minutes to air... So imagine my sheer disappointment. Cutie tried to perk me up. And he did. Just the sight of him achieved exactly that.

Until all hell broke loose...

Day 245-297: Strength is Best!

You'd swear by my last post that my life is centred round this guy. Well, it's not. Well, not entirely. I still get go to work for an ELEVEN hour day and make live television on the daily... Four days out of five, I'll even go home after work and fight with my mother. I also get to go out with my BFF and meet dumbass niggas that are only impressive withing the first week. After those seven days, one is inclined to, as Jigga would put it, "move on to the next". Coz niggas are dismally disappointing... Or maybe I'm in love with somebody else... Details... Details...

With all this recession talk, I'm seriously suprised that nobody took the time to tell us how a bad global economy doesn't just affect your finances, it also affects your relationships. Coz what's the one thing that makes people disagree?! Money! Cold hard cash! Now that I've finally realised how money, especially the lack of it, can have such devastating effects, I'm a lil lost as what to do.

My mom and I pretty much fight on the regular about the same thing. She wants more of it from me, I'm a lil reluctant to give it. In my head, I need to save. In her head, household expenses have pretty much doubled in size and they need to be paid now, not in the future.

We've discussed... er... argued it often enough that she now wants me out the house. She figures I need to go see what it's like in the outside world without Mommy miraculously providing everything I need.

Yeah, can you believe it!? I've been kicked out of home. Ouch! Now what?! Gotta find a spot... This is also proving to be an uphill battle. A lil like getting my dam drivers license. Fuck! I'm so annoyed... Between work and everything in between, I'm pretty much just dealing with work... And Cutie.... So now what?

Day 238-244: Ain't It Funny...

One of my all time favorite J.Lo jams is the "Ain't It Funny" remix... Back when JA was still hot and I was closet J.Lo fan... Til today, I have most of her albums and I know more songs than I should ever admit to knowing... But I digress... The song goes...

Ain't it funny/ Baby that you want me/ When you had me/ Love is crazy/ I'm glad I can smile and say...

The past week began as dramatic as ever... I hardly said two words to Cutie all day not out of spite but more detached busy-ness... Well, when P caught a ride of with him that night... She let it "slip" that I had met somebody. To be honest, I expected him to react all....
Nonchalant in front of an audience...
But he was everything but... He wanted details of what Chocolate looks like, if he's cute etc.

Ya know Cutie was so curious, he didn't even wait til we had some privacy to ask me who Chocolate is. He pretty much asked in front of P! Seriously? Seriously. I was like acting dumb... Inside I'm on some... well, if you don't take care of home, somebody else will...

Later on when we were alone, he asked me what's up. I told him the truth. Met a dude who likes me a lot and quite frankly I could use the distraction. Cutie seemed to get some sort of snug satisfaction from not being entirely forgettable. He also urged me to leave Chocolate coz the timing is off. In hindsight, his advice was quite irritatingly ironic.

Coz here I am.... Contemplating a way out of my quickie relationship. Thing about Chocolate.... He is ghetto... One of them Soweto cats who are loud, obnoxious and seemingly loaded but anything but. To top it all off.... He is the complete opposite of articulate.... The past few days with him have made me realise that as much as I'm a sucker for some sun-kissed skin... I'm also into charm and fluency and a gorgeous natural smile... I'm not a fan of gold... Much less a nigga who's first language isn't English. I have no problem with a dude that speaks vernacular well but let that not come at the expense of the Queen's Language... Please.

Day 194 - 230: Part Two....

I can't possibly have to go through meeting another dude, get excited, take the financial and emotional time to learn what he's all about, take all the necessary precautions to try to not to fall too quickly, end up fallin' anyway and be left alone picking up the pieces.

Can I just settle down already? Please? I'm tired of playing love games. I'm ready to just love and chill out a sec. Safe in the arms of love. I know this is cheesy as fuck but it's true.

Maybe that's too much pressure for Cutie. I dunno then why the fuck did we meet and connect? Why can't I stop thinking about him? Why can't we stay away from each other? Why?

Why is it that he is able to send me an emails saying that I'm always on his mind? That he misses me. How come he told me he loves me? That he loves to be around me? That when I cried about us, he cried too? Why is it that- if he's only gonna turn around and break my heart even when I'm willing to wait!? I don't understand! How can I hate him when I love him? One half of him at least. The half that understands but is clearly not willing to fight the other dude's bullshit.

This breaks my heart over and over coz I know he feels what I feel but he almost reminds me of when I had just started therapy and a recurring theme was my subconscious belief that I deserved no happiness. That I had to carry the worries of my parents, especially my mom. Cutie does that with his family and I'm no professional psychologist so I have no clue how to get through to him.

Plus how am I to know that that is truly the issue here? That he needs me to help him through it... Does he even want my help or am I jus being a pushy know-it-all. Dunno. I jus wanna run away at this point and forget that he ever existed or mattered.

Day 194 - 230: Part One...

Yet another month without a blog. I'm tired of making excuses for not regularly posting stuff and I'm sure you're tired of hearing it. I'll tell you this much however... Many people have been able to figure who's who behind some of my cleverly crafted pseudonyms so as much as I would love to share, it's hella difficult to do so which makes blogging a drag even when I do have time... Which is never! I find pleasure in writing with no holds barred... It's absolute freedom especially coz my life is an absolute circus but as much as I'd love to share, I can't risk the wrong people knowing too much about me or those that I innocently mention in this space. That wouldn't be fair to them or their/my hard work and endeavours. Nevertheless here goes...

Just this Friday, I found out that Cutie was busy exchanging "I miss you's" with some chic during the first month of our thing. He would also hang with her and such. I asked him about it and he said that they're just friends, been friends since high school and even though she been feelin' him, he told her, he ain't keen to go down that road with her coz of his long list of never-ending issues....

You see, there are a few things that I don't get about this nigga and because I have trouble saying what I need to say face to face ie all of these epiphanies hit me whenever he's not around, I've decided to try figure it out here. I'ma compare his two egos. Coz I almost feel that he may have some MPD situation going on.

As much as my pride hates to admit, there's a part of Cutie that lights me up from the inside out. It's ten times more lethal than the lust he makes me feel. It's the way a best friend makes you feel. That complete and utter happiness. I love to see him smile. I love making him laugh. So this side of him makes me wanna be around him all day. And we don't even have to talk. We can jus be. Watch the sky. Hold hands. Make out. Watch a movie. I remember when we first met, there was this insane electrical energy between us and when we held hands, when we kissed- sparks flew. In extreme circumstances, our eyes would meet and I would feel it too.

In the past three months that I've known him, another side has come out. A side that almost tries to kill his/our pursuit of happiness. It's the side that pushes me away. The side that tells me it doesn't wanna be with me. It's the side that's quite content to walk away.

So I do what any Miss Independent would do... I pack and I prepare to leave and everytime I'm near the door, the good side reaches out to me and begs me to stay in not so many words but actions. Maybe I see what I wanna see, I dunno but I'll try keep some distance between us and he'll come find me for some random conversations about life.

Now when you care about somebody, it goes against every fibre of your being to tell them to 'fuck off'. The last thing you wanna do is tell them to take a hike coz the reality is that you want them near. So instead of listening to logic, I'd allow him in again and when it was time to discuss us, he would push me away and gimme all these reasons why we shouldn't be together. Meanwhile I have a blogful of reasons why we must try. But he wouldn't hear it. His evil side always vetoed his inner conflicts despite my tears. Despite my pleading, my reasoning, my sex... Lol. It was all in vain and jus when I thought I can't keep doing this, I found out that he felt that I should wait for him to get his mind right.

Before, that had never even been featured as an option. Until he said that if the tables were turned, he would be honoured to wait for me. Who would fuck off after that?! I couldn't. I hadn't even been able to begin to follow through so I took a plunge in the deep end, drew some inspiration from Sade's words as she sang...
I still really really love you
Love is stronger than pride...

This went against my control freak mentality. It's like walking in the dark with all these legitimate but insane questions dizzying my head... Like what if I wait for him and he in the mean time meets somebody else? I've heard of many stories where the chic makes the nigga a better person but he goes and shares his new self with his new chic... How's that for a thank you very much?

I realise that life has no guarantees. I try to live day to day. I try to share that philosophy with him but he can't stop living in the past and even the future. So the present is fucked. And unfortunately that's where I am so we can't manage to see eye-to-eye.

There's a part of me... The logical, prudent side I guess... That is certain that I must just cut my losses and hit the road. This side reckons I'm being used and I should stop thinking about his feelings and consider the damage I'm causing to myself instead by constantly giving him a chance to reject me and hurt me over and over again.

Not even friends do that. And you're willing to wait?! Seriously! Girl wake the fuck up!

I can explain. A fairytale beginning can't possibly have sucha shitty ending. can it?!

Day 112-117: Seven Days Was A Long Shot!

In a day, God created man. And when the sun set that evening, he looked at Adam and said, 'Hotdam I'm rock long time...' and then he went drinking at the Eden river, with the angels, to celebrate...
It's taken double that time for me and Shorty to restart fighting after just making up. Ya neh. We couldn't even go the seven that I spoke of in my last post. There's really no point in getting into why we are fighting now [but for completeness sake, here's the jist- we were supposed to go out to some birthday gig on Thursday night and he took a unilateral decision to cancel our plans. Something about being tired and under-dressed. I was not impressed. I flipped at him for being a fader. He claimed we could do it on Friday. Nothing happened Friday. Instead he was out with his mates. Which was all apparently unplanned. I just keep thinking I'm way to pretty to be dealing with such non-issues. Plently guys wanna spend time with me. Why am I still here? For what!? When it really appears as though, I ain't wanted.] I'm just sick of it. It's like the bad is superceding the good. It's so bad, I'm thinking of drawing up a list. Either of Pro's n Con's or of things that he does that I absolutely despise. He can also draw up the latter with regards to me and if we gonna work at this, those lists must be adhered to, otherwise it's an indication of disrespect and sheer carelessness. Which speaks volumes.

I used to date guys that I fought with all the time, thinking that it adds passion to the relationship. And then I dated a nigga that I hardly ever fought with and guess what- I enjoyed that so much more. The laughing and smiling and talking really beats arguing and crying and bitching. So I can't understand how I landed up here and how come I've been at it for almost as long as my longest relationship ever [four months]?!

But everytime I think of walking away, the heartburn hits my chest. And honestly, he does he quite an effect on my mood especially when things are cool and we're talking. I jus wish we could get along for more than three days out of the week.

I was so embarrassed when my mother asked me what he thought of my Monday show. I had to meekly tell her that I hadn't received any feedback from him. Even she raised her eyebrows even though she doesn't know that we are dating. But she knows that we're friends and that I'm hella supportive of his hustle. So in her head, it made no sense as to why he is seemingly not showing luv back. Luckily she spared me any further humiliation by letting that question hang in the air. Awkward!

Saturday night/the early hours of Sunday morning, I tried to talk to him about this kak. And I swear if he hadn't claimed to be too tired to get into it, I probably would've broken up with him right then and there. Coz something don't feel right. That feeling I had at the beginning of this, has returned and it's actually suffocating me. Rather annoying. Two options: stick it out like last time til it subsides or walk away from these weird feelings. Fuck it's weird. It feels like he's hiding something...

True to his conceited self, he insisted on discussing this issue from the other night, later today. Fine. It's not like it's going anywhere. We'll discuss it eventually and if it's over- let it be.

I could use some fresh material for my blog, as it is.

As for my show on Monday. I felt that it went well. So well that I walked away thinking that some of the proper DJs best be scared.... Coz I'm coming after their gigs! Unfortunately it will be a while til my next shot at presenting. Try 10 June. Dis ver! I was hoping we would have gotten an updated schedule by now, with all the non-presenters, having opened up more slots for the rest of us that want to do it.

But life ain't ever sucha breeze. Been working on scripts for a certain production from my former employer. Who woulda thought... 53 episodes by four links each. Hectic. But coming along nicely. Very exciting. Challenging. And learn-as-you-go. Very stimulating and keeps my mind off this rather immature love-life stuff. I won't lie. I'm expecting the worst.

Day 108-111: Shut Up, Just Shut Up Shut Up...

Back in high school, I dated some triflin' niggas. Popular but hella dodge tertiary guys who would cheat on me. And my fellow female pupils would be more than happy to let me in on my boyfriends' indiscretions. Coz that's how real it would get in high school. Women-on-women violence. But they would be the first to hook up with him straight afterwards despite his shady track-record. Or worse still, these girls would knowingly hook up with dude even though they knew he was unavailable...

I wish I could take the moral high ground in comparison to my boyfriends. But nah... I was only slightly better because I kept my indiscretions a secret. I never got bust. So not only did their cheating give me a legit reason to get out of a disastrous pseudo-relationship that was only wasting my (air-)time, but it also made me look like the poor victim. Aargh shame for me. In my mind, it didn't really matter what the situation really was... as long as dude felt bad and I came out smelling like roses. There really was no reason for me to tell dude that while he was messing around, so was I... It's fine. Let him think he's a piece of shit cheat. No skin off my nose coz he been a piece of shit. I won't lie, I would get upset. Mostly out of embarrassment and humiliation. Egocentric B.S that would not let me help him downplay his guilt... In fact, let's not tarnish my good image... I figured it's always better to appear to be the victim instead of the wrong-doer. Nobody likes the wrong-doer... Plus, I couldn't begin to have dude look at me the same way that I looked at him... Yeah... Like a piece of shit cheat! Lol!

All these experiences taught me one thing. Don't ever be naive enough to think that whatever you're doing on the down-low is not being done by your significant other. That's how karma works ... So it's a big deal for me to be involved and not cheat. A sorta growth and maturity of sorts. But with so many opportunities to do so, I'm sure that Shorty is facing extensive temptation of his own on the daily... Now we don't all go through the same rite of passage, so goodness knows if he been resisting.

Hence my sheer reluctance to trust a nigga. Even the one I'm seeing. Especially when he keeps fueling my paranoia... On Friday, he ignored my calls and texts. The following morning, he tried to feed me some cock-n-bull story about his phone dying. Like honestly. I was not having it. I hate being lied to but what I hate more is an apology that is accompanied by a lie. Yho! That grates my tits. What's also bad is how I've told him before if something is going on- tell me. Don't make me wait like a crazy person. Or worse- don't fuck up and think you can fix it in the morning!?

So you think I'm gullible and stoopid?! Fine. Then leave me alone in my gullibility n stoopidity coz I really ain't gotta deal with this shit.

I wonder will Shorty n I ever go a mere seven days without fighting? It's becoming such a drag. I hate repeating myself to a grown man as though I'm involved in dog-training. Oh hell no! I really dunno what can fix this but my head ain't over there right now. I gots a show in the early hours of Monday morning. Another reason why I'm so annoyed. This nigga is fucking with my focus... I should just knock him out like Charles Hamilton. His inconsideration shows jus how self-involved he is. Like dude... The world does not revolve around you! And maybe that's been my fault... You write a coupla posts about dude, he begins to feel and act as though he rules your world. F-off!

Well, I'm obviously peeved. But like I been saying, anger ain't a real emotion. I'm hella disappointed and disheartened. And I hate to say it, especially after the other day... A part of me has to laugh at that though... How fuckin unoriginal... A nigga trippin afterwards... Well that's what you get huh... Oh well... Dirt off my shoulder!

As much as I mean that... I realise that this is merely the price of caring for somebody. You become vulnerable to being hurt. Like I just heard on Grey's... Making friends makes for another loss along the way...

On to something a lil more constructive... I'm beginning to feel those nerves again, even though my show is like twelve hours away. I so need to bring it this time... Here's to some good post-show news!

Day 104-107: Kingdom Come...

A dramatic build up often concludes in an equally undramatic anti-climax! You'll walk away and be on some... That's it?! Really now? Really?! No... Seriously!

Today was a day of firsts... Let's start with my first time hosting the 4AM-5AM slot. Dude! I really thought I would be less nervous which in turn turned out to be my biggest challenge (please note that I didn't say 'difficulty'. I picked that up from a guest lecturer, the other day. It's a mere obstacle... A lil hill...) was my anxiety. Self-inflicted n absolutely self-indulgent... It appears that in those moments, I forgot the teachings from A New Earth and Dr Gary Zukav... Nerves amount to selfish energy because it makes the situation only about you. It's not only about me but also the people listening and being subjected to poor radio because I'm way too self-involved to step out of MY anxiety to give them a decent show... Now I'm feeling like even though I get the above, I've gone from selfish to self-pity... Well, either way, there's no room for egoism! Just Do It!

And that's exactly what I plan on doing on Monday morning when we do it again. Keep it simple and short but pacy n punchy... Like a manly Ryan Seacrest... I wanna say risque stuff and have listeners latching on to my every word. Did I manage that despite my stage fright? I think I did what I could, considering the situation... It's not everyone that can talk about their 'friend' who sucks dick in order to deal with stress... And it's not many people that can be open about their less-than-cool approach.

Another first occurred after the show. Shorty n I hung out at his crib. Not only were we completely alone for the very first time, but we also had some privacy outside the confines of a car or even a corridor or a movie theatre or food outlet or event... Twas crazy surreal for him for me to be in his space... For me, it was the perfect escape from the memory of a not-so-perfect radio show.

I dunno if it was too soon but I knew that we would some time. And that day came... What's meant to be will be... What's meant to happen, did!

So now that we have that out of the way... Let's double up... Lol... Now the trick will be to figure if we gonna stay together despite those typical doubtful feelings that come with the-morning-after-the-night-before...
We actually spoke about it a lil... And it was a lil reminiscent ot the the first time we kissed. When that finally happened, I sorta wished that we had waited because as much as I wanted to do it, I really missed the feeling of anticipation from those previous three weeks.

But isn't that always the case. Feeling as though you shouldn't have done what you did. But you had to do it to prove a point... Whether to cement your feelings or to cultivate further feelings... it's how society has shaped intimacy. You can't claim to be seeing/feeling somebody and you guys don't kiss or beyond. I mean what would set you apart from the next pair of friends if you guys, as a couple, aren't acting on the feelings of lust?

So what makes a relationship? According to FFB, without fucking there is no relationship therefore you might as well be close friends. He rates it solidifies things. I dunno if I concur... I'm pretty sure me and Shorty are more than "close friends" but I dunno how I know... I guess I trust that he ain't sharing the same thoughts with other women. Lol! So now he can't have a female BFF?
[Enter Alicia Keys with 'Grlfriend'... I think I'm jealous of your girl friend...]
If you have somebody that you constantly spend time with but there's no shagging then you guys are either BFFs or BF and GF. What sets that apart????


So I looked up the definition of RELATIONSHIP...

–noun 1. a connection, association, or involvement.
2. connection between persons by blood or marriage.
3. an emotional or other connection between people: the relationship between teachers and students.
4. a sexual involvement; affair.

Clearly the above didn't help...
So I looked it up in the Thesauraus...
And the following jumped at me...

connection, friendship, affinity, bond, hookup...

An affinity... that zing that draws you and keeps you close to another person. Those butterflies that a simple BFF can't make you feel. That's what makes a relationship. Those strong, amorous feelings for another person that are often translated into the physical but don't exist because of the physical!

Ah Ha moment of note!

I'm considering calming down on the intimacy aspect until Shorty is comfortable. I don't want him doing stuff... hell... I don't wanna be doing stuff coz that's what's expected. We should be doing stuff coz that's what we wanna do...

Day 93-103: Magic Moments Part III

And then the magic moment happened...

Well, maybe it was not so much a magic moment coz I don't think my life changed in that instance but the way I looked at a certain person, changed forever that very night. And for the first time, I admitted it to myself and him. Twas quite profound. Like looking in the mirror. But really looking... Not a passing glance...

On the way home on the Wednesday evening, my car-pool dude had his weekly night lecture. I was keen to get home after an exhausting day which saw Shorty and me ignoring each other. Literally. Dude, twas so crazy that he even ducked into the toilet when he saw me. I followed suite and jumped up from where I was sitting. My heart in my throat as I tried to shake it off! Funny thing, I had just found out when we, the interns, would be going on air so I was hella excited but I couldn't even share that with him. Twas just wack.

If you've ever sat in Joburg traffic, you'll realise that the way to make it go faster is to talk. Well that works for me coz after a day spent at a radio station, I ain't tryna hear more DJ chit-chat or high-rotation singles! So car-pool dude and I often discuss my train-smash of a love-life! No matter how embarrassing, he always gets it out of me. When I've said it all, I'll either pass out or blog! By the time, we're done with that, it's often too dark to study.

This time, I was riding with a family friend (FF). He was dying to know how things been going, especially in the love-life department so I spilled! And he turned around and took Shorty's side. SHOCK-ED! He also said that I should be careful, listening to people that may wanna just sabotage my relationship with Shorty. True. But The Girls couldn't possibly be like the other ruthless Joburg women. That's not their style. At least that's what I think/thought. In his eyes, I should just holla at dude, simply coz I do like him. I was gobsmacked, there's no way I was gonna let my feelings make a fool out of me. They will go away. They must. Needless to say, FF convinced me to holla at Shorty, despite my head screaming OH NO!

The way my heart explained it to my head is that if we gonna end this, let's end it today and if it's gonna be saved then let's stop being mad and just save it. (I must say that I really thought this was it!) But first he must know exactly how I feel... So I call him up... I swear my heartbeat was hella irregular and I thought I might pass out from the anticipation...
Wish I had recorded this telecon so that the following could be a lil more accurate...

Ring Ring [regular amount of rings. He surprisingly didn't make me wait.]
S: Hello
KP: [tentative]Hey..?
S: [equally tentative] Hi..
KP: Um...Can you talk?
S: Yeah, I can...
KP: [icebreaker] Oh crap that sucks. I was hoping you'd be busy and then I could get off the phone and not have this awkward conversation. (nervous giggle)
S: (no laughs) Dude you don't understand how hard my heart is beating right now...
KP: aaaahhh baby, me too... [tears stinging my eyes, yearning to hold him (thru the phone- tnx Soulja Boy)]
There's something I must tell you.
[Momentary amnesia. I collects herself and go through go my mental script... I tell him about that fateful Saturday night when he couldn't take me home so I got picked up. Before we left Rosebank, we headed to MacDee's for some grub. As soon as I walked in through the door, some nigga that actually has a striking resemblance to Shorty, except he's way shorter, hollered at me.

I was not impressed. More annoyed. I had had a long day of election field-reporting and didn't want to have to deal with rejecting some random at 11 PM. Well, this dude was persistent but only because he recognised me. We hooked up back in high-school. In fact, I was dating his friend and we ended up hooking up, behind his buddy's friend. Not cool. But that's what you do when you are in grade nine at a single sex school! You almost live for male attention... Well, I hadn't seen dude since. And here we were exchanging digits. A week later, we bumped into each other, again, near Nino's. Walked him to his car and we spoke about my love-life and it's heavy sexual frustration component. It was not until later that I realised that I shouldn't be discussing such with an ex-flame that still gives me bedroom eyes.

I got punished for it. He tried to kiss me. Tongue down my throat and all! But I pulled away. This cutie who ain't talking about taking it slow, wants me but I push him away. On any other day, any other year, I would've just went with it. Even if it was just for those five selfish, self-indulgent minutes, I would've done it. And simultaneously written off any prospect of my relationship with Shorty...]

KP:... in my head, if I cheat on a guy, it really means that I'm over dude. I'm not expecting much from our 'thing'.I realised three things as a result of that night. One, I really like you. And I really want this to work. Two, if guys are jumping me then girls must be jumping you too. But how are you reacting? [More temporary amnesia.. this time in real time. I can't remember what number three was. Funny coz I nearly forgot it that very night too.] And that would explain why I ain't keen to put a label on us because if we do get hella serious, I'm gonna have to trust you completely. You'll have the right to truly break my heart. All defences down. I'm no good at being vulnerable. I'm very protective of my feelings.

S: I don't wanna lose you. I told you that these groupies mean nothing. [can't remember the rest... at this point I was in a haze...]
Wanna go to a movie?

Bottom line, we ended up seeing Wolverine, the following day. Which actually turned out to be a love story. The new week saw us talking for hours on Monday night, straight into Tuesday morning. He says that he never really talks to people... Which surprised me coz boy, does he have plenty to say. Which suits me just fine because I enjoy hearing about his plans and ambitions. It's inspiring because our dream-book pretty much reads the same way. He left so late that he even missed my 4AM news bulletin. My mom also slept through it... Classy. Impressed with neither.

The irony... We are getting closer through the fighting. It's weird but true. The drama is making us tighter... He actually said that I'm like his third arm... In the moment, it was so sweet but come to think about it, nobody really needs a third arm. In fact, doctors would recommend amputation. So maybe not the best compliment or metaphor... What does it mean anyway? I need you as much as I need an extra limb. Strange. The only time, I've come across that term is when somebody says that their cellphone is like a third arm It's an extension of the self. They can't live without it. It's always there. That's deep...

Day 93-103: Magic Moments Part II

Since Monday, I been spending every second day just catching up on sleep because every other day is spent awake for at least 24 hours. It's the most insane but exhilarating experience. Finally, our time to be on air has come. As luck would have it... but...er... I don't believe in luck so as it was written...I'm the second last to go on air, on Wednesday 20 May, as per the 4AM-5AM schedule. To date I have read news twice (once on the first day, Tues 12 May and another on Thurs 14 May because the dude that was supposed to was otherwise occupied. Score for me really so I didn't mind absconding on my content production role for the few minutes that a coupla news bulletins take up. Besides, I gots to practice and get used to speaking out loud on the new mics).

My attention has really been on my exam and of course the on-air stuff. Constantly planning links and thinking of ways to make exciting radio. You may be half-asleep during 4AM and 5AM but really I gots no business contributing to that state of mind.

So what's my plan? Well, the words of the Programming Manager keep ringing in my head. Keep your links sweet and short and punchy. But so far, everybody has done the exact opposite. I can understand their thought-process though. They want to impress with humorous, interesting banter. The more you talk, the bigger the chance to be impressive and likewise, the larger the opportunity to suck. That's when the heartburn hits my chest! But really, I gots to know how to take direction, right. So I'ma have to keep my words to a minimum. Think Ryan Seacrest's slickness and swag on the mic. Dope/Doe Boy Fresh (DBF)! I want that to be me! I plan to be exciting, spunky and all up in your face! Make you wanna get up without saying too much and I figure if I can manage that then I'm legend!


But of cos, I'm beginning to doubt myself. Hella nervous! I can't wait to rock my hour but then again, I could totally wait out of sheer anxiety.

Meanwhile back at the ranch... Shorty and I had yet another fight, at the beginning of last week, over the same tired topic... There I was minding my own business on Tuesday, keen to go on study leave, glad to have finished my SAMAs piece when The Girls walked in and one of them told me how she had witnessed Shorty in a shady, compromising situation at some night-spot during the weekend.

I felt the tears sting the back of my eye-balls as she spoke about this floozy that had her arms around him and was kissing his neck. The disgust welled up in my stomach, followed by sheer self-disappointment. How can you be so stupid, I asked myself. I was so sick and tired and pissed at the timing that I typed up a text and actually sent it this time. Because of my self-blame, it was rather mild-mannered. I wasn't about to scream n shout n curse coz in my head, there would be no point coz clearly this ain't the first time. Clearly I been gettin played. So I just told him that I can't deal with all these stories of him entertaining groupies so we should just end this. He called. I switched off my phone. I won't lie but I was rather pleased that he was appearing to be freakin out but at the same time, I thought, he only ever takes me seriously when I'm at the door with my suitcase packed! I also tried to think how he would explain his way out of this one. I thought how blind am I. How stoopid must I be. How pathetic. How retarded. Like what am I waiting for- to find him in bed with somebody else? All these questions but only one answer. Go study!

Well, that was not about to happen. Well not that day. Instead I texted him again to say I wasn't tryna be rude but I know that if we talk, he's just gonna sweet-talk me out of my decision. He was actually rather mad and frustrated. From the sounds of the voice-messages that he left, demanding that I answer my phone to the texts that said he was tired of explaining himself and that we were over before we even begun (becaus of all these stories I was being fed). That stung. But that's one thing you will always receive from anger. It will make people show another side to themselves. It may be the truth or a defence mechanism. Either way, it has the potential to have some devastating repercussions.

In fact, in the midst of our heated text chat, I was having flashbacks of the last such chat I had with my BFF from varsity who hooked up with my ex flame behind my back and then turned around and accused me of jealousy when I condemned her actions. After that, I didn't see how we could ever be friends again because she just didn't get it. She was not sympathetic towards my feelings or even empathetic. It was all about her and I had to just accept her skanky behaviour. She even went on to say that she didn't even really like me and that I can only wish I was like her and no amount of therapy could fix me. That hurt because I was in therapy following my grandmother's death.... That comment proved to be the nail in the coffin! (Therapy proved to be the catalyst for my path to self discovery actually... but I digress...)

My text chat with Shorty could've easily gone that route and I could hate him right now but we handled it. And I think that's because we were both not ready to walk away. Not yet. Not now. Although I was not about to admit it at that point... I did all but beg him to confess instead because I needed to know that was not walking away from this because of a really dumb reason. Whatever that could be. Yes, I kept hoping for some sort of explanation that would make me nod my head feverishly and say 'ah yes, that explains it all.'

And then the magic moment came...

Day 93-104: Magic Moments Part I

Paulo Coelho once wrote of magic moments in his highly acclaimed novel, Down By The River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept. It's a heavy love story focussing on a young woman's quest for self discovery and more specifically love. He described a magic moment as that moment when a YES or NO changes your life forever. I feel like these 180 DAYS have been a series of magic moments in themselves. Which is bad and good. Good because everyday is one hella surprise after another. I can't say that I'm bored at all. But I also can't say that I know what's really going on even on the basics front. It's almost like having sex with a blindfold on. It's cool for a bit but after a while, you just wanna know what's going on... or maybe I'm just one hella control freak! Relaxa tu! But I guess that's what life really is. a series of decisions that ultimate contribute to the Butterfly Effect whether you'd like to believe in the weight that a seemingly insignificant action may carry.

Everytime I meet somebody new and we discuss some business ventures and something comes out of it... Everytime, some nigga hollers at me and I actually don't walk away and he turns out to be another soulmate (Yes, I believe in more than one)...
Facebook/MySpace and other social networking sites have been the catalyst of several magic moments. I've (re)connected with fam and even come across some dope people. But has my life been changed? as in really altered? Or just been made more interesting?

I rate that you'll never really know the true extent of your actions. However, what I do know for sure is that the Butterfly effect exists. Everything, no matter how small, happens for a reasons so yes. Everything is connected. Everything is everything. That's what Ms Hill meant.

But for me the true magic moment, as in how I interpreted it as per the novel, occurred in the run up to my exam last Monday. For the past six years, I have been trying to finish up my BCOM: Accounting degree. The first two years were smooth sailing until my final year when I crashed and burned towards the finishing line in respect of the Tax and Financial Management modules. The following year, 2007, I bagged the Tax but the Financial Management proved to be a harder pill to swallow. I just couldn't or wouldn't understand. Last year, I decided to try finish within a semester via Unisa. I managed to two out of three of their Financial Management equivalent. I wrote a supplementary exam in October which also went badly. So badly, I had to re-apply. No supp, this time. I figure, I had trouble balancing my job and studies. Plus when you are so used to not understanding particular work, in this instance, Valuations, you're already defeated before you start. Well you feel that way and that self-fulfilling profesy comes to show.

This year, I again took up the Financial Management yolk. Partly determined to get it right this time. Partly certain that I don't really have the type of brain that grasps the curriculum therefore I should perhaps consider approaching the powers that be with the results of an aptitude test that proves that I have trouble getting my head around analytical type problems and maybe they will just give me a damn degree out of sheer pity and for my half-hearted peserverence and innovation. I don't think I could pull out the race card for this one!? ... But worse, I was considering giving up, basically at the end of the race which amounts to not having bothered to try in the first place. With the pressure that my mom was putting on me and the prospect of a life continually on the hustle sans the financial cushioning that comes with a cushy Chartered Accountant gig, I been freaking out! And that's why I been studying since February. I even handed in both my assignments which turned out to be well done. Ain't nothing like fear to motivate you.

Last Monday was a culmination of my efforts. I spent the weekend, studying. I mucked about only on Saturday but I was sooooo focussed that I told Shorty that we couldn't hang. SHOCKING, I know. Don't even begin to think things went smoothly. They don't ever. That would be too easy... Especially where that nigga is concerned...

Day 81-84: Famous Last Words...

When I was younger (like a month ago lol) I was heavily afflicted with wanting all the things that I can't have. Mostly coz it's just human to yearn for all the stuff that aren't easily accessible. From a pair of jeans to a guy. You forget to count your blessings. It's the way of the world. And when you finally have it, you wonder if you even really wanted it in the first place...

You may truly be suffering from buyer's remorse but sometimes it's just the culmination of both self-doubt and greed- ie feeling as though you don't really deserve such pleasure for whatever inane reason, missing the thrill of the chase and wondering if you can get this, what else is in store which could be bigger n better.

Shorty asked me to be his girlfriend on Friday night/early hours of Saturday morning. Yes, I know I should just live in the moment and enjoy this. But please just indulge me for a sec....

No question about it, I'm hella flattered. I did not see it coming though. That nigga lives for suprising me, I swear. I never really know how he's gonna act, react, respond. It keeps me on my toes, I guess. And very independent in thought. I couldn't try impress him even if I tried coz I never know where his head is at. Plus, that just ain't my steez. He likes that. He said he is looking for somebody to keep him grounded... And um it appears that I'm the only one in the running coz he knows that many chicks that holla at him are doing it for superficial reasons. I know right, also shock-ed that he knows as much... Not jus a cutie...

So am I having second thoughts? Not really. Just thinking how crazy the past two months been and if being his gf will prove to be easier. Or will the pressure of a relationship tear us apart for good. Doesn't it amount to getting hitched even when you're in troubled waters. Or throwing a baby into the mix. That's jus stoopid!

I really had just gotten my head around us just dating. As in only dating. Nothing hectic or serious. I thought we'd do an extended version of that beginning part of hooking up. Dating without expecting much. I hate to put it that way but I thought we'd be like friends that hang out and make out.

Slightly better than 'friends with benefits' but certainly on the same (lack of) accountability level. I was so over expecting something half-decent from him and our lil set-up coz those expectations and hopes gave me mild heart-burn. So I let go a tad. And lo and behold, it made him realise that this is where he wanna be. I think. Hell, I hope. But lately he's been dropping that 'I don't wanna lose you' line.

I remember using that line on a few occasions when I could feel that I was about to lose my partner.
I wish I could say I planned it all. As if! And even as I joke, I know this ain't gonna be easy but we really been working hard at this. Yes, everyone been saying that there shouldn't be any difficulty in the beginning. I say well, there is no hard n fast rule. Again, what's meant to be will be.

I figured that I should resave his digits. It's weird seeing his name on my screen now. It's weird being somebody's girlfriend again considering that I was not looking to get involved. I guess that's the best kinda situation... Um... I dunno why I think that. I JUST DO. I figure it to be serendipity... A pleasant suprise. I don't like talking about this coz I really ain't sure where my head's at.

Like I said in a tweet, it's like getting new spectacles when you didn't really know that your vision was blurry. Now everything is clearer but now you don't have the words to describe what you are seeing... Make sense...?

Yeah... Not so much? So until we can use words (heard this on Supernanny. A mother talking to one of her tantrum-prone twins) , we will be enjoying it. Until we have reason or the rationale to feel otherwise... Wow... That sounds dodge simply coz with matters of the heart, logic gets thrown out the window so why am I feeling heartburn? Do I wanna do this or not? Aaaargh... Oh goodness... Heartburn!

I'm scared that I'll put down my walls for Shorty and I'll only get hurt. Only so much a girl can take. And in a relationship, you can't be mucking about. Get real or get out! You see!? Aaaargh! So we ready for that? Really? Eish... Let's ride and see... I know I can do it. I jus wonder about him. And really... should I be getting hectically involved with somebody I wonder about? Can't believe I'm still asking these questions. You know when I'm around him, I can't find these words. When I'm around him, his eyes reassure me. And all this amounts to paranoia. Ain't it funny.

Day 78: Girl Talk- Blessin' or Bitchin'?

I come from an all girls high school. That background shaped much of my personality. There are two types of females in a single sex institution- the strong, bossy Miss Independent type versus the shrunken violet type who's hella vulnerable and tries to impress her peers by engaging in dodgy behaviour.

From my black n white view of the situation, many situations, it's clear that I fall into the former category. I consciously avoided being friends with many girls, especially plastics because of the lack of trustworthiness and the fierce competitive spirit that was enforced upon us via academic and extra-curricular colours and awards.

Put in work/ If you don't want the girl to talk/ And you don't want your feelings hurt/ Put in work/ Cause if you don't/ That girl's just gon' go spreadin' the word

Even though I am able to share some laughs with Ms Fabulous and The Girls... Hell even though Ms Fabulous shares my birthday... Truth is we couldn't be more different. I don't do weaves or wigs or make-up or jangly jewellery or gold chains or black-berries or tight fitting denim or hectic gym or heels or open slingy sandals or skimpy dresses. That sorta outward glam is just not my steez.

Ever since I can remember, I've never been crazy about the concept of money. And even though I adore being spoilt by a man, I cringe everytime the bill comes. I have to literally fight the urge to reach inside my purse. Come to think of it, I get the same feeling when I pass a hobo or a street musician. Even when I'm broke so broke that I literally can't afford to give away a rand, I sometimes will, hoping that Mother Dearest will sort me out later. I actually try not to give out less than R5 coz anything less really amounts to nothing in today's inflation. But if I ain't got it, oh well, it's better than giving nothing. I feel so bad when I don't give. I feel worse when I allow a nigga to cover everything... When I'm that chick that gets picked up and dropped off and paid off... I mean dude... I feel like I'm using dude... Or like dude is investing time and money and I'm just there... A financial burden. Relationships aren't cheap... And with my (just below) two grand stipend, two series and residence in Pretoria (50km away from the events hub that is Jozi), I can't afford much right now. Especially now that I've taken an extended hiatus from writing:) And because I'm an accountant at heart (and academically), I'm accustomed to working for my own money instead of accepting hand-outs from Mother-Dearest. I often have to stop my brain from automatically calculating the costs that my date may be incurring. So when Shorty told me that he wouldn't be able to take me home on Saturday coz of a tight financial situation, I was not over the moon but I was understanding. I was also mildly impressed at his candour but I mostly found myself cringing, as usual, at the mere mention of money.

The Girls figure that I'm wasting my time on a dead-end situation with Shorty and I should be getting pampered and spoilt by a more 'financially-focussed' man who can wine and dine me to my heart's content.


Now I'ain't sayin she a goldigga/ But she ain't messing with a broke nigga...

It takes a lot to pull at my heart-strings. And money is the absolute last thing on my list... Hell did I even mention it on to the list, last time?

Paul was my broke-ass toy-boy and while I was ok with playing the sugar-momma to a 20 year-old, I couldn't help but resent the way that he couldn't just spoil me whenever. But I felt worse for expecting something, anything when he was clearly unable to afford it. So I would pay even when he wanted to coz the-accountant-in-me wouldn't allow him to spend what could possibly be his last monies.

So you can imagine what a significant adjustment it has been to date someone who actually can afford to treat me to a thing or two (well... Most of the time...)

Funny thing happened, The Girls were so determined to have me move on and move up (lol like I BEEN threatening to) that one of them typed out a break up text. I wasn't about to send it. Atleast not yet. That's the thing about calling something off, you gots to be prepared to be done for good. I don't break up with people for reactions anymore. It's important to mean it coz you dealing with another human being, they are known to be unpredictable when their backs are against the wall. Plus at the end of the day, you gots to live with your decision, not your friends. If I am making a mistake, atleast I made it myself so I'll take full responsibility for it. But living through others can only result in unwarranted resentment. I'm a grown ass woman. Umma do me!

So where's the line? Nigga gots to have a job right. You ain't gotta make millions but can we atleast check out a play at the State Theatre!?

Day 74-77: Breathe n Stop...

I guess it can't really end until you're ready to let go. As in, you're not still pining or reminiscing or fantasising... Until those good memories are only that and not an urge to make some more... Otherwise you are still pretty much in the thick of things despite your denial and determination to move on.

As much as I wanna just be over this Shorty saga, truth is that the disgust has returned to just being good ol typical mistrust-fueled con-fuss-ion.

I don't know what's right and what's real anymore/ I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore/ And when do you think that it will all become clear/ Coz I'm being taken over by The Fear...

The very day after I wrote my last blog, Shorty again failed to return my stuff even though I had expressly reminded him and he had expressly committed to doing so. But I guess what did I expect, nigga BEEN flakey! That was what I thought to my myself as he pitched up empty-handed on yet another occasion.

Honestly, I was more bothered by the fact that I'd have to deal with him again when he finally sticks to his word. I had no clue how that would pan out coz just the sight of him disgusted me. No, he had not turned ugly overnight but the thought of his betrayal had me trippin. So I kept my words to a minimum. I must have managed about five. Whenever he was within my proximity, I walked away. I knew that if I opened my mouth to exchange more than a greeting, I'd scream at him and maybe even make a scene. Dude, I was fuming. My insides were puffed up and the blood was boiling. I felt my ears get hot and forced myself to get some water from the kitchen.

He did well to seem unaware of my mood by not bothering to enquire about it. Which was just as well coz I needed to cool it clearly.

The following day was hella busy in the newsroom. Whoopdedoo! This time, Short pitched with my stuff. SUPRISED, SUPRISE! You coulda knocked me over with a feather. An ambiguous feeling fell over me. Firstly, Joy coz my damn camera was safely back in my possession and as I flipped through the pictures, I was a lil disappointed to find no evidence of his deception. Dammit this nigga managed to delete everything, I thought. Not that it's a difficult device to navigate but really Shorty has no clue when it comes to technology. It's quite laughable. One hella juxtaposition compared to his modern appearance and vibe. And boy did he look good. Hotdammm! It left me wondering where the disgust had gone. Actually the disgust faded when he denied all the allegations levelled against him [Yho the newsroom gots me talking crazy]. Goodness how gullible am I? Or rather, how hectically do I want this nigga to be in the clear? Or worse, how bad have I got it?

Exit Lily Allen stage left.
Enter Keri Hilson stage right.

Sometimes [like] comes around/ And it knocks you down/ Get back up/ When it knocks you down/ Knocks you down....

The plaster was only coming off my walls because I had anticipated the worst and the worst had not quite arrived. Yeah... Come to think of it, it was rather silly of me to think that he would admit to having his arms around another woman. And I actually articulated as much but I was more relieved for his denial than anything. He may have thought to be dismissive but as soon as he saw how I was not budging or smiling, he decided against it and adopted the ' you know I'm crazy about you' stance....

Exit Keri Hilson.
Enter the Cadbury man...
'...And all resistance crumbles...'

Dude! You telling me that I gots to get mad just so that this nigga can gimme some proper attention. Obviously I wasn't thinking all of that at the time. Unfortunately, rationality is hella sparse during times like these.

I don't know how but he managed to cast doubt over Ms Fabulous's observations. It's as logical as reckoning that she needs to get her eyes checked. He figures that he wouldn't be hollering at some girl if he knew Ms Fabulous was looking. He also spoke of how he appreciates me being in his corner and he wouldn't wanna mess that up.

Exit Cadbury Man.
Insert puppy dog eyes here.

That Friday night he drunk-dialled me and pretty much reiterated his words from the afternoon. Frankly we've heard these before... That he'll make it up to me (um, what's he gonna fix if he didn't do anything wrong... Oh for not telling the Mos Def chick to go fly a kite instead of 'tacitly' entertaining it) and he is gonna work harder at this. He said everything but declare his undying love. And when he called Saturday morning, he was well-aware of the late-night telecon. [insert RELIEF here]

I been giggly since.
[insert Lily Allen ENCORE here]

I dunno hey. I really don't. I like him so much that I'm being blind or rather, I'm choosing to turn a blind eye and make up excuses for days... That's some power he got over me...

I hope to goodness, I'm wrong about this dread and mistrust. To goodness. As much as I'd hate to be a fool, I'd hate to have to change the way I look at him more...

Day 73: Move on! Move up with Mr Spears!

You know this ain't the first time/ This has happened to me/ This love sick thing/ I like serious relationships/ And a girl like me don't stay single for long/ Coz when a boyfriend and I break up/ My world is crushed and I'm all alone/ The love bug crawls right back and bites me/ And I'm back... She can't help it/ She just can't help it/ Can't help it/ Jus can't help it...

It's funny how when you put yourself back on the on the market, you start to notice other people that you probably never really noticed before. They make you wonder why you ever removed yourself in the first place. Why you settled for less and more specifically, everything you ever promised to never be party to again? Why you volunteeringly put yourself in a straneous situation? After really beating yourself up about it, you finally get back on the horse and lo and behold, there's a welcoming committee.

I'm gonna say what I been saying since the beginning of the 180 day journey, I ain't looking to get involved but I ain't looking to get used either. Niggas take advantage of that. So I can't just be throwing it around. Maybe I should engage that non-exclusive dating that Ms Fabulous suggests. But truth is that I live for human connections. The real kind. They don't have to be really deep but simply delightful. Whenever you can laugh with somebody, connect with somebody, empathise... That's the human connection.

So what am I looking for in a man? I'm a sucker for a man that has an interest in the arts. Somebody who's face beams up in an art gallery or at a hot design... Hell, an appreciation for music especially the deeper stuff... Somebody who not only sees the complexity and simplicity of life but also appreciates it through plays, books, artsy fartsy movies and music. Somebody I can party with, laugh with, cry with, talk with.... I should be comfortable enough to do my wack booty hop around him. And not cringe when he rocks his own two-step. I should feel desired for my entire being, physical and religious and spiritual. Especially the last two.

I should look forward to being around him and when it happens, I should want it to never end. He should help me improve myself. Have that sort of self-appreciating effect without being overwhelming or obnoxious. Be wary of my sensitivities and hardcore, unintentional insensitivity. He must please be funny. I love to laugh. Carefree with a warped sense of the world.
He must be religious and spiritual. Aching for a higher calling. Understanding my proclivity to be celibate. He should feel free to touch my hair. Or hold my hand. Or share. Talk back! Stand for something, anything substantially.

Some fashion sense for goodness sake. Have an eye for beauty without being self-indulgent. Enjoy watching live cricket, footbabll, basketball. Willing to engage in my random spurts of energy. When I demand that you race me to the corner just because... you best saddle up and do it.

But please he must be able to say no coz I can be handful. It's all about balance, I guess. Well more balance than not.

Now for my favourite part and probably the first and last line of red tape for most guys.... Lol... The physical. Obviously not cut and dry.... Simply- tall, dark n handsome. Chocolate skin. A lil to some muscular definition. Flat stomach. Swag for days. Good fashion sense. Dope kicks. Cute, tight ass for his ass flattering jeans. Fitting shirts. Brush cut. Intoxicating Cologne. He best be able to handle his alcohol and shy away from getting trashed especially via drug abuse. Some humility coupled with confidence. Introspective n perceptive. Patient and kind. Likely to suprise me out of the blue. Listens. Able to apply his mind and look out for me. Feeling secure, I mean protected/safe, around him is hella important.

If this guy comes along, how can I possibly say no even though I ain't looking...

As for Shorty, I'm still waiting to get my stuff back. Haven't seen him all week. While FFB is looking less and less like an option. I'll pass. Now there's this other dude. Hella intelligent and intriguing. But unavailable and apparently a baby daddy despite his tiny wiener... I haven't seen it but I gots the info on good authority... Lets call him Lil Man... Let's see if he remains an extra in the background... Lover was tryna hook up... I haven't had the time or nothing plus this Shorty situation gots me feeling hella turned off men in general. Just as well. I been a lil guy crazy of late.

Day 71-72: Spear-o-damus

Whenever you are just about to go on your periods, life sorta colludes in making the PMS that much more potent.

My gal,Ms Fabulous,was kind enough to let me in on a little secret. Albeit five days later. As Mother Dearest would say, 'molato ga o bole'. The spelling is probably incorrect but the Tswana loosely translates into 'a problem never rots/goes bad no matter how long it's been there'. She often says it when we are watching a soapie or those Forgive and Forget type shows when the victim finally gets retribution or more specifically, the evil woman gets bust for all her plotting. The idiom couldn't be more fitting right now, with nearly a week having passed.



It turns out that Shorty was all cuddly-couple on Thursday at Mos Def. And I have a sneaky suspicion that this is the same short shorts Miss Thang from that one do we attended together, end of last month. Remember he disappeared for a minute. And had some cock n bull story to go with it.

On top of that, this chick was apparently using my digicam to snap pictures with him! So that would explain why he still hasn't returned the cam coz it's probably still filled with incriminating evidence. It's actually quite pitiful. Besides being filled with his indiscretions, the cam also probably has some dope pics of Thursday's performances... But this numb-nut can't begin to share these coz Miss Thang will probably wonder where the rest of the luvey-dovey pictures are.

Dirt of my shoulder. Finally the tongue-burn has occurred. About damn time. And again, thank goodness, I never gave it up. To think I felt bad for comforting FFB coz of his ailing aunt meanwhile, Mr Man is playing with my feelings. Ait. I been helping get his stuff together, offering some advice, only to be repaid like this.

But now that nigga got my shit. My camera. My charger and plug. My jersey. My lip-gloss. Lol... Dude, this would explain why he didn't want me to go fetch his phone when he had forgotten it in the car, on Sunday. His guilty conscious. I wouldn't have looked through it but I guess he would rather be safe than sorry. With my luck, it probably would've rang in my hands.

Now, I hate to say I told you so. But I did. I been saying that something's off. That I don't trust this nigga. Now I know. So my gut is working. Relief. Thank goodness it ain't paranoia. I really couldn't deal.

What's worse is that I'm apparently the other woman, [yet again! After specifically telling this nigga that I don't want drama. Ya neh. So much for respecting my quest for truth]. This chic is apparently widely known as his girlfriend. Classy. Poor chick. Poor me.

Yeah, that's enough self-pity. In fact, I ain't privy to any. I knew. I did. You probably knew too. I broke every rule of the how to tell that 'He's Just Not That Into You' list by listening to him claim to be digging me, missing me, trusting me... And most of all being single and tryna see where we go. I listened to him. Instead of my gut.

I'm tired. Absolutely exhausted. This nigga managed to play me despite my best intentions. So it is kinda like Paul again. In fact it is. I trusted somebody who is clearly not to be trusted. Dude! And how many times did I tell him that honesty is the single most important thing to me? Oh but he made so much effort to see me? Ms Fabulous says that playas get off looking as though they put in some effort. It ain't nothin but a thing to them. I'm easily impressed, clearly. I mean he saw this chic Thursday night only to call me the following day and hang with me that night. And Sunday night. He apologised for not doing so yesterday. Wow. And drive me home. And pick me up.

So now that we know he's triflin', do we call him and scream into the phone? Nah, not my style. Anger ain't a real emotion. I'm hurting. Down but not out. So I need to chill. This been going on for a minute so what's it gonna hurt to only voice my hurt later? Coz I may be nicer later? Nice ain't truth when I really just wanna hang him by his fat-ass.

Not my style either. Any guy that deserves to make you feel like literally killing him, doesn't deserve your time. You giving him way more attention than he deserves so walk away.

So my way of venting is blogging coz life will sort him out. It ain't my steez to teach a grown man. It took a lot for me to call him today and not call him a big fat liar. I played it cool and even cold but requested that he please bring my cam back coz I need it. Bull. He promised tomorrow. I just wanted to get off the phone quickly so it completely slipped my mind to ask him to drop my stuff off with security if he happens to go past the office tonight.

I'm not up to seeing him. I'm hella disgusted. The thought of second base is even having the opposite effect. Not even a lil smile.

So how am I gonna deal with this? If the opportunity presents itself, I'll tell him what I know and that I'm out. Either way, by reading this, he'll know that I'm done. Peace nucca!

Day 67-70: Frontin'

I often blog, hoping to locate a resolution within the text. Especially when I'm struggling to express myself verbally, I find that writing organises the con-fuss-ion.

It's pretty much in the same vein as when I teach my Sunday School kids. By explaining to them, I grasp the concept better. Writing amounts to explaining to the self. No wonder school teachers often insist on pupils summarising study material into their own words. Coz you figure more via that method...

Where am I going with this?
Dunno really. I'm just hoping to figure out the Easter weekend.

The last time I blogged, I thought that Shorty and I we're pretty much nearing the end of our lil escapade. In fact, I still haven't resaved his digits [just in case I turn out to be right, I guess].
The irony is that his digits now appear on my screen more than they ever did.

That translates into two things...
1. It's a wonder that I don't know his number off by heart by now. But honestly I'm making a concerted effort not to commit the last seven digits to memory. My eyes merely scan over them.
2. Somebody been reading the blog and stepped it up. Well, he admitted as much. But before we tackle that...

I was more than prepared to have to walk away. Well, my defences were/are up. And I was hella impressed with myself for having not gotten hectically physical with him. In over a month, in fact only recently, have we gotten as far as second base. That's huge for me. This whole thing is hugely different. But question is, is it good different or bad different? Now that he's putting in some effort, I really dunno what to think or feel. Does it really amount to effort or merely convenience? I mean it's not like he's going out of his way.

I don't think I like him any less but I'm still not sure if he really likes me period. Which makes me less enthusiastic. To the point where I wonder why he bothers.

Honestly I just have a wierd feeling that something's off. I only have this feeling. So I can't get serious or be serious about this. That would be dumb. I'll hang with the nigga but I ain't expecting the moon or stars. Just a good time. Like Carev [from Grey's] said, 'if it works out, great. If not, it's ok, I'll get over it. I always do!'

That pretty much sums up the past few days. I'm less than impressed by his inability to let me know when he's delayed or caught up. It feels disrespectful. In fact it reminds me of my hip hop ex. He simply was never aware of the time as far as I was concerned. In his head, it was ok to completely disregard my feelings and make me wait. Wtf? So I kicked him to the curb on numerous occasions after he pleaded for forgiveness on numerous occasions. In fact, I haven't spoken to that nigga since the beginning of the year.

Another thing that's of concern is Shorty's near discomfort around me. He ain't completely relaxed.


Oh, it tears me up/ I tried to hold on but it hurts too much/ I tried to forgive but it's not enough/ To make it all okay...
You can't play on broken strings/ You can't feel anything/ That your heart don't want to feel/ I cant tell u something that ain't real/ The truth hurts/ A lie's worse/ How can I give anymore/ When I (like) you a lil less than before...

And maybe that's the basis for my doubt. But how do I explain that or draw some answers out of him. Even though he claims to be reading this blog, he was not about to discuss it. And I was not about to push for that. He says he's a man of few words. I think he just doesn't want to hurt me. Yet, he's often said that if he didn't wanna hang out, he'd let me know... So I'm back at square one, wondering what am I missing? What is it that isn't adding up? My gut is screaming something but what?

Is he maybe still in love with an ex? [he still ain't comfortable with us holding hands. Um we make out and then act like a plutonic couple afterwards? Huh!] What? Hence my detachment. If I'm detached then whatever bombshell that's about to explode will be relatively harmless...

You know what's funny, by now, with any other guy, I'd be wondering if we are like boyfriend and girlfriend now. My head's not there now. I'm still getting my head around understanding Shorty. That's more than enough to deal with. Plus, I rather like this taking it slow thing. It's teaching me patience. And wouldn't you know, my cursing has decreased a lot except in cases of ecstasy lol. Seriously.

You know what would suck is if I found out he was seeing other people behind my back. Ya know, second basing with other girls. Maybe that's what's up...

Okay, I know that I may have portrayed a gloomy picture but really it could be worse. We are getting along well for the most part. He's actually hella humorous. Perhaps even a little more sarcastic than me. Who woulda guessed... I'm enjoying getting to know him without the pressure. It's just not as black and white as I'm accustomed to. But it's also not entirely whack. It's um- friendship with perks?