Day 47 - 88 : Three Words...I Got You...

Often when I take forever to blog about whatever..its cos, I'm a lil outta sorts... I dunno what to say.. before it would be because I really was in two worlds about my feelings for Cutie.. and now... I'm just really overwhelmed.. and at the risk of repeating myself and gushing about how good he makes me feel... I decided to chill on the blogging...twas feeling hella gay...and OTT..and surreal...

But I love to write so I feel bad when I don't... especially coz I missed my bday.. .and the big move to Joburg...yes, I moved out my mom's crib.. I'm officially independent...except I gots no furniture and I feel like I be living in a cave.. seriously, it echoes when I'm on the phone..that's how quiet and hollow it is.. lol...

Back to the blog title... sometimes or even all the time... life seems to steer you in a certain direction...you see, hear things that I believe are meant to open your eyes or even make you aware of a different or even current perspective that you may not be acknowledging as well as you should...

goodness..that's sounds hella confusing... what I'm tryna say is...

There's a reason why the thought of Cutie makes my eyes water and that it scares me so much... there's a reason why he still makes me nervous and that I'd do anything to impress him.. there's a reason why I'm so overwhelmed and so in love...even though we're nine months deep... and I may not get all these reasons...

But the universe does and because I'm aching for answers..and well, sometimes, answers dont literally rain down from heaven... they come in soft, lil messages... and here we are... dissecting those...

I'm currently reading a book called "Committed" by the same chick that wrote "Eat, Pray, Love"... it's proving to be hella eye-opening... as it tackles the concept of marriage from the point of view of a heavy cynic who's also a divorcee...

so it's addressing all the questions I had...and all the doubts that I hadn't even managed to put into words... now that's a blog for another day...

not to long ago...we saw Dear John... Channing Tatum's latest flick about love during war times... yet another sob story for another day... i cried right through the movie as I recounted all the similarities between this work of fiction and our lives...

in this flick... the leading couple fall in love, basically at first sight (just like us)... it takes the guy a while to truly open up and be comfortable round the girl(just like Cutie)... the girl is close friends with a guy with an autistic kid (my brother also has development issues, although not as hectic as autism)... she sacrificed her happiness to help out her friend by marrying him when he got cancer so that his son would be looked after (For the longest time, Cutie was dealing with his ex gf, M and her unemployment situation and family problems... even though he wanted to break up with her, he wouldn't allow himself to "abandon" her...) The guy has to go way to war, a reference is made to a year (Cutie is going away for a year)... she wants to be a teacher to young kids (i'm a Sunday school teacher-liove kids!)...they send eachother love-letters (Cutie and I email/text all the time...)..they never said goodbye-it was always "see ya later" or something liek that (Cutie and I, always say later..i hate goodbyes!)...he shared things with her that he had never shared with anybody else and vice-versa (same with us, he's like my BFF lol)...they wanted to get married and have kids... (ditto!)

*tearing up*

Then there's the blog title... sometimes when you're in love, songs speak to you... in this instance Leona Lewis' new single "I Got You" took me, shook me and screamed at me...

The reason being that the three words that Cutie loves to use when he's saying goodbye are exactly that... he'll say 'I got chu neh..." and I'll smile completely reassured that he got me...

and now that he's about to go on his sabbatical... from everything including me... (oh gosh! sorry...yet another story for another day) Leona Lewis' words are even that much more heart-rending...

'Cause this is love and life
And nothing we can both control
(I got you)
And if it don't feel right
You're not losing me by letting me know
(I got you)

Go ahead and say goodbye
(Say goodbye)
I'll be alright

Go ahead and make me cry
I'll be alright
And when you need a place to run to
For better, for worse, I got you

so here I am, trying not to try... well, slightly comforted by the words to this song..coz really its ok..coz whatever happens.. I got him too...

and then there are times when I feel like I dont deserve him in my life... like its way too much good fortune..like Joss Stone put it.. I'm feel spoiled... cant even imagine my life without him... can't deal with him being away... just wanna get started on forever...

I'm spoiled
By your love boy
No matter how I try to change my mind
What's the point it's just a waste of time
I'm spoiled by your touch boy
The love you give is just too hard to fight
Don't want to live without you in my life
I'm spoiled

I tried to tell myself that I'd be over you in a week or two
But baby that was 'bout a year ago
I've never seen the word love so personified as I do with you
And that is why I just can't let go, oh no



Spoil me

And I would only be fooling myself if I tried to
Believe there's room for someone else in my heart
There ain't no way I'm getting over you
I don't know what I've been trying to prove
I'm hopeless, helpless when it comes to you

Day 131 -138: When It All Falls Down...

I've spoken about those life-(altering)wedgies that come and take you by surprise just when you are beginning to love life. Or at least get into a rhythm.You know those times when everything is going right. You ain't fighting with nobody. Drama is down to a minimum. You've made peace with the stuff that you can't change. You're making major strides in the departments that you can control and on top of it all, you've met a new dude who makes the old dude look like a chump. A chump that didn't deserve your time in the first place. Your favourite song(s) keeps playing (The Dream-Rockin that Thang and Every Girl- Young Money and Drake-Best I Ever Had) and your crush digs you too so much that you can hardly believe your luck. But you don't believe in luck so you can hardly believe your destiny. Complete with an atom-bomb of good vibes, lust and like infused electricity! I call it ZING, he calls it chemistry! OMG... the chemical infusion happening within can't be good for you but it feels sooooo gooood!

And then all of a blue moon, the Script-Writer sends out a DEFCOM 5 [http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Defcon]! '

AY! Don't get too comfortable'

, He warns. It ain't ever that easy. It can't be, at least not for five days straight. And I know that. Well, I should. Perhaps, I was hoping for some sort of pleasant surprise. In fact, at the height of my euphoria, during the weekend, one of my tweets tentatively spoke of how...

I am a lil afraid to admit that I'm kinda sorta loving my life.

Dude! as soon as that tweet had been published, it all fell down. And yesterday, it all be came a lil too real that my life was still far from being the fairytale that I had been living for all but 24 hours. It was everything but. It was just another tear-jerking episode of a cheesy soapie. Or worse still, a reality show. Can't remember the last time I cried this hard. Heavy, soul-shaking, gut-wrenching, ugly sobs that grip at your core. You almost feel as though you could not only bawl forever but that if you weep hard enough, you'll cry out the very cancer that is making you feel so miserable. Almost hurl it up. More like sneeze it out! Not pretty I know. But I feel like this heartache is a thick chunk of black coal sitting at the bottom of my tummy. Pervading my insides.

Life perfect ain't perfect if you dunno what the struggle's for
Fallin' down ain't fallin' down if you don't cry when you hit the floor
It's called the past coz I'm getting past
And I ain't nothing like I was before...
You oughta see me now...
Yes, I was burnt so I call it a lesson learned
Mistake will return so I call it a lesoon learned
my soul has returned so I call it a lesson learned
Another lesson learned...

I guess the pressure had to get to me some time and these past couple of days proved to be the straw that broke the camel's back. From my less-than-impressive radio shows that I've been feeling less than awesome about. There's also my new nine to five which is probably at the single most dynamic production company in the country. Started there last week as a part of the content production team. So amped to be getting paid to be a creative. I get paid to write scripts and come up with ideas. Dude! How dope is that! I also work on scripts. Even though it is an opportunity and a half, I am having trouble working out a feasible timetable that will allow me ample sleep and balance. Man I need a ride!

Speaking of balance, Shorty been 'too busy' for me just when I needed some sort of escape the most, he suggested that we take it slow. If I didn't know better, I would say that he was calling things off without having to say as much. Well, actions speak louder than words and no matter how many times I tried to reach out and have him admit to wanting to end things, he won't talk about it or be man enough to say it's over. But I don't need him to confirm nothing coz one big fat indication is that we don't really see each other anymore. What's worse, I'm subjected to the occasional text. I deserve better. Luckily, I've had soooo much work to do, from the new gig to some freelancing work, that I couldn't quite deal with his stunts. But when I raised these concerns, I was met with a dismissive nonchalance. So I've done my bit really.

And just when I was tryna wrap my head around my drama, I met somebody. Like a week ago. Think Prince Charming in shining armour, (complete with the most delightful smile and the cutest ass. HOT DAMMM!) coming to remind me that life ain't all that excruciating. I'd actually forgotten what real butterflies feel like. And goodness knows that I had missed being really excited about somebody real. Besides Drake who, by the way, I'd totally marry. The mixtape So Far Gone got me through some heavy days. It polished my thick skin and reminded me that it's ok to hurt. Its ok to be disappointed. But that don't mean you should compromise on who you are. Fuck whoever that disagrees with you! Lol! But I digress...

We'll call new dude, Cutie, coz he is hella adorable. And from the moment we laid eyes on each other, I knew that I wanted to get to know him. If anything, it made me think or start to ponder upon the concept of love at first sight. Honestly it had never occurred to me that the notion was even a remote possibility yet there I was, completely engrossed in a stranger even before he had said two words to me. It makes for a dope blog and an even doper wedding story. Lol! You see how this situation had me talking crazy...

Well, those were the ol good days. That's the thing about falling quickly. You make the hurt that much more potent within a shorter period of time. But before we get to the bad part, Cutie and I went on our first and only date on Friday. Twas awesome. I completely immersed myself in this 'Something New'. I forgot Shorty, I forgot the world and I was allowed to be myself for the first time in a long time. And that's the most profound piece of this puzzle. I realise that I was beginning to lose myself by being in a dead-end relationship. Whether I was not really in it to begin with makes no difference because it took up my time, attention and energy, it had an effect whether I was aware of it or not. It was toxic and as much as I wanna deny it, it was killing my spirit and making me feel ashamed that I'm not in the sort of relationship that I would like for myself. I was not allowed to be me.

Dude I almost fell off my chair when Cutie hollered at me to say goodnight on Sunday. Shorty has never bothered to do that. It was such a foreign concept to me that I was completely shell-shocked and that's when it really dawned on me that I allowed myself to be treated like less for a while now.

During my brief time with Cutie, I remembered that I like to hold hands and make out and share and spend time with my significant other. With Shorty, I've had to curb my enthusiasm under the disguise of patience education coz he ain't a fan of PDA. Dude, it got to a point where the relationship was centred around him. And I didn't even realise but I hardly told him of my dreams and ambitions and worse, he never asked. Yeah, I learned to be patient but I also learned how to allow a nigga to run circles around me 101. Too whack. So I'm out. Can't believe I stood for it.

Well, as soon as Cutie had taught me that lesson, he also headed for the nearest exit. By last night, I was near tears as he told me how he didn't feel that he could be emotionally available for me coz he has to deal with his own crazy drama which includes getting over a two year relationship, his fear of being hurt again and the self-healing that he thinks he needs to embark on alone. I couldn't believe my ears. Like don't you feel what I'm feeling. How do you walk away when this is so so so special. And yet, he felt that was what's best. So I let him coz I can't force him. I don't know who to resent for feeling this way. The Script-Writer for making the feelings so strong? Or Cutie for not feeling that he can go the mile with me?

And as Drake asks... Is anything I'm doing Brand New? I wonder if my reaction to the Cutie situation was a lil OTT? Probably. and if so, why was I affected so? Why did I feel it? What's the lesson? I haven't felt like this and had to just shake it off. It's always been a faggot nigga that caused the drama and I always knew better than to pine for him but this is different. Or is it? I dunno anymore.

I guess it is time to try be alone. I think I been avoiding that status for a minute. Nobody wants to be lonely and single especially in the grip of a terrible winter but I know better than to waste my time on whackness just so that I can say that I'm dating somebody. Time to re-focus and re-arm and remember that this is about me. Couplin' would be cool but we will survive. Lol!

I've also been reading soon excerpts from Steve Harvey's Act Like A Lady, Date Like A Man. I've been compromising on my standards. It's so embarrassing to realise that I ain't been acting like the keeper that I be. It's fine. You live, you learn. So let the practicals begin...

And let's try get some stuff right this time...

Day 66: The Curious Case of KP-Spears...

Like I was saying... It's like losing two things in one day... Boys come at a dime a dozen so I can get over Shorty... A cool job at a multi-national is proving to be a lil harder to swallow. Not because I really wanted the gig at this very time but coz it's exactly like a romantic scenario... Boy meets girl. Boy likes girl. Girl still deciding but allows it. Boy goes out with girl. Girl begins to like Boy. Boy changes mind. Boy leaves girl. Girl heartbroken.

She wasn't really checkin for him. And now her plans are a lil haphazard now that it's over. But really, the retraction of the job offer amounts to such relief coz I really was so torn about which step to take... Now I ain't gotta decide... So Three words... SUCK IT UP! And forget the pay hike! There's a bigger plan... Door closed and another opened behind you. Now stop staring at the closed door and look around! Harder to apply, I know... But I know that the Script-Writer is one hella creative guy... And he has some sorta plan. He always does. That's the thing about good times... Even, they pass.

This is the part where you JUUUUST deal. I had yet another dosage of thought-provoking cinema today. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button left my soul reeling. All through that movie, I either cried or I thought to myself, how fortunate I am. It's a wonder that I don't consciously recognise every moment coz every single day the Script-Writer BEEN reminding me how good I got it.


Benjamin was born old. All wrinkly. He was born only to be expected to die of natural causes. Out of the womb into a death bed. And even though he appeared to be as old as the hills, he was only jus a boy inside. So a forced old soul. Or rather he was born to be an old soul... Or he was one through and through and his physicality just showed his insides in a sense. As he got older, he started to look younger. His features softened up and his hair got thicker. [Speaking of which, can I just say the Brad Pitt is the single hottest, most enchanting man, that side of the hemisphere....] So he started to look really really young. There's a scene where he looks like a college freshman but his eyes show that he's been through a lot and that he has sucha story to tell but his physicalities, again, don't reflect that. And I felt that frustration. That's probably one of the few moments that one is content with ageing but because of their physicalities, they can't help but feel the exact opposite. Nobody really embraces age for the very reasons that made Benjamin feel estranged and different. Now that was a solid Old Soul moment. Then he got to his early teens stage, acne and all but his memory was fading. And he said, 'I feel as though I should be remembering something...' now that had me bawling... All the way to the end. It was one of those, it's better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all. Or in this case, is it better to have lived than not to have experienced the curiosity that is life? Right at the end when the love of his life is now old and he has been reduced to a baby, she says that he looked her in the eyes and for the first time in a long time, she could see that he remembered their life together. And then he closed his eyes...for the last time. [insert flooding here... Ironically, the movie was also experiencing a hurricane]

I've always thought that babies have this thing. They know much more than they realise... Well, they know more than they would be able to articulate or even remember to share when they are eventually able to verbally express themselves. They often give you a knowing look and now I have a word for it... that was a 'Benjamin' moment.

So I finally got home. And then Shorty texted. I still haven't resaved his digits. Needless to say that I recognised them. Dammit! He claimed to be thinking of me. Yho Mr Smooth... Needless to say that he soften me up nicely... He hadn't been able to get the digicam earlier coz the newsroom had me running around in circles [which I absolutely loved! I'd rather be busy than be dealing with Heartbreak Hotel nonsense!] and my phone was on silent and so I missed all thirty thousand of his calls. By the time I had returned them, he was gone. But now he still needed the cam so we provided for another pick-up before the Easter weekend... What the hell am I doing? Oh... He did fail the test... Well, technically its not his fault coz the guy that hooked him up only had an extra one. I found it hilarious the way he explained the scenario considering I had merely asked if he was gonna be attending the Mos Def gig. I got more than a yes which made me think that he may be reading this blog... Ha ha... Or he just figured it out himself... Man, I'm obvious!

Again what am I doing? Oh Lover is alive and well.......... Nuff said about that subject the better... Coz we clearly got some spies up in this piece!

Days 5 to 8... Disabled-emotionally and physically

My op finally came and went like a summer storm that leaves you shivering with flu. My right arm is currently in a sling. Sorry, a mother of a sling. This thing is so big, you could house a small family up in there. So imagine the comfort levels that correlate with lugging around something this bulky. Its like one of those aching fat zits smack, in the middle of your face that is un-pick-able. Speaking of squeezing zits, I no longer have the pleasure. Using just my left hand is not half as satisfying as the use of both index fingers.

As I type this, my left hand is cramping up. Something righty wouldn't dream of. I do have the use of my right fingers but the phone appears to be too heavy for the recovering digits. Also a sweaty armpit that can't be managed is hectically frustrating. I feel so helpless. This must be how old people feel. Just an uneducated, wholly prejudice estimation...

That's the post-op run-down. Well, the abridged version. Turns out that different surgeries can affect one in different ways. The last time I was in the theatre, a benign lump was removed from my breastisis. Right-side as well. That was a relative walk in the park.

This time, you have bones, muscles, ligaments, nerves involved. It's not nice. And when my body finally realised what had happened, I freaked out. I just started to cry for no good reason. Imagine you have been watching the saddest love story and the credits are rolling. That was me x 50! Twas incredibly surreal.

While my neighbour in the ward who had gone for a similar op was in high spirits and completely happy. Unlike me, she didn't have a near 'BALE OUT' moment. Her husband reckons that I was not emotionally prepared for the op and my post-reaction confirms as much.

My mom agrees. Remember, I was not too happy about the timing of the surgery considering my new job. I even thought of postponing it. Now that I am in the middle of recovery, I only wish to get over the next six weeks as quickly as possible.

Paul came to Pretoria, exclusively for me... More of that, later...