The other day (Monday I think), my supervisor who is a lil loony walked in and said that she had a dream or nightmare that I walked into work and complained that I was anxious. The way she told the story, you could tell that she woke up in a state. To top it all off, she alluded to being right when she has "dreams" like that. I was a lil freaked but mostly dismissive coz she's so damn dramatic so I take her declarations with a pinch of salt coz they so damn laughable. It was rather absurd coz I was feeling so good, so good, so good, so good... Cutie and I were working through some thangs... I was feelin positive about my goals and the new week... I had a good rest over the weekend and my kids' Nativity play had gone very well. I was, for the lack of a better word, "happy". And mind you- I hate to just throw that word around... I guess right now, that feeling was the closest thing to happy compared to the way I'm feeling now.
Not even two days later, here I am. ANXIOUS as fk.
I've told lots of stories about Cutie's deceit before. So I'm hella embarrassed and humiliated to be here again after I had mistakenly thought that we were making progress. I was even thinking that maybe LOVE has to hurt so that you can tell how good it feels. It's like sunshine after a long bout of chilly rain. You ache for it to tingle all over your body...
Well, Cutie has been going through some things as far as his ex-gf is concerned. Lets call her M. She is apparently in a very bad space, complete with a unsupportive family, bad health and no job. The way he explained it is that even though he was over it, he felt that he couldn't just abandon her the same way that all her other tertiary buddies had. Now it takes a strong woman to be ok with the guy she digs playing Nurse to his ex. Even I couldn't deal with it but I dealt with it. I even asked to meet her. This has yet to happen. And after revelations from seven hours ago, I doubt it ever will.
So Cutie had taken M to the doc to get checked out. No medical aid means hefty private health bills so I contributed a lil something something. Despite his mild objections, he took the money and saw the doc yesterday. When he returned, he showed me some of the meds. And now that I've thought about it, when I look at the pills, I naturally checked the name on the slip, half-expecting it to say M's first name but instead it was a long-ass African name... N. I thought maybe she signed up with her real name, not her slave name so I let i go but the whole time as he was narrating the doctor's appointment, I felt that he wasn't telling me something. Just a hunch. And I said as much. He denied. I asked repeatedly and eventually just blamed it on paranoia.
Even though, I know better. My ex-flame from two years ago, who, ironically enough, has been hollering at me recently... Well, he used to say "paranoia is also instinct". I didn't get then but now I do but as I've said before, instinct is only proven after the fact...
While Cutie and I were talking and making out, my fears about M sorta disappeared. Coz he was with me, I guess. Well, during the kissing, I got all emotional and for the life of me, I couldn't understand why I was on the verge of tears... And neither could he...
I figured it out during the ride home... All that I wanted seemed like it was finally coming together... It seemed like a certain reality that we'd end up together like normal folk coz he was even talking about cutting ties with M. He said it would be "the right thing to do" even though it would hurt her. I didn't quite understand. Now I sorta do.
But back to that in a sec... My emotional moment came from me being scared of being hurt again by him coz I could feel myself fallin harder n harder. I explained that to him and apologised profusely for my girly-pants attitude... He said it's ok... I'm an awesome person. Naturally.
When we spoke today, he said that he had dropped off M's pills last night and she was coming along nicely. Relief. My show didn't go too well coz my presenter failed to pitch and had to be replaced withing five minutes to air... So imagine my sheer disappointment. Cutie tried to perk me up. And he did. Just the sight of him achieved exactly that.
Until all hell broke loose...
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Thursday, 26 November 2009
Wednesday, 18 November 2009
Day 245-297: Strength is Best!
You'd swear by my last post that my life is centred round this guy. Well, it's not. Well, not entirely. I still get go to work for an ELEVEN hour day and make live television on the daily... Four days out of five, I'll even go home after work and fight with my mother. I also get to go out with my BFF and meet dumbass niggas that are only impressive withing the first week. After those seven days, one is inclined to, as Jigga would put it, "move on to the next". Coz niggas are dismally disappointing... Or maybe I'm in love with somebody else... Details... Details...
With all this recession talk, I'm seriously suprised that nobody took the time to tell us how a bad global economy doesn't just affect your finances, it also affects your relationships. Coz what's the one thing that makes people disagree?! Money! Cold hard cash! Now that I've finally realised how money, especially the lack of it, can have such devastating effects, I'm a lil lost as what to do.
My mom and I pretty much fight on the regular about the same thing. She wants more of it from me, I'm a lil reluctant to give it. In my head, I need to save. In her head, household expenses have pretty much doubled in size and they need to be paid now, not in the future.
We've discussed... er... argued it often enough that she now wants me out the house. She figures I need to go see what it's like in the outside world without Mommy miraculously providing everything I need.
Yeah, can you believe it!? I've been kicked out of home. Ouch! Now what?! Gotta find a spot... This is also proving to be an uphill battle. A lil like getting my dam drivers license. Fuck! I'm so annoyed... Between work and everything in between, I'm pretty much just dealing with work... And Cutie.... So now what?
With all this recession talk, I'm seriously suprised that nobody took the time to tell us how a bad global economy doesn't just affect your finances, it also affects your relationships. Coz what's the one thing that makes people disagree?! Money! Cold hard cash! Now that I've finally realised how money, especially the lack of it, can have such devastating effects, I'm a lil lost as what to do.
My mom and I pretty much fight on the regular about the same thing. She wants more of it from me, I'm a lil reluctant to give it. In my head, I need to save. In her head, household expenses have pretty much doubled in size and they need to be paid now, not in the future.
We've discussed... er... argued it often enough that she now wants me out the house. She figures I need to go see what it's like in the outside world without Mommy miraculously providing everything I need.
Yeah, can you believe it!? I've been kicked out of home. Ouch! Now what?! Gotta find a spot... This is also proving to be an uphill battle. A lil like getting my dam drivers license. Fuck! I'm so annoyed... Between work and everything in between, I'm pretty much just dealing with work... And Cutie.... So now what?
Sunday, 15 November 2009
Day what???
***I don't even know which day we on anymore but I have finally blogged... will try again tomorrow... I think if I keep it shorter... I'll get more out... coz there'll be no pressure to be comprehensive... hopefully it makes sense....***
It's been a crazy few weeks... I mean when is it not?! So I've gone through a range of emotion. From humiliation to disgust to hate to sheer depression... I would say anger but we all know that's not a real emotion... I couldn't have hated Cutie even if I wanted to. Even after all this time. Goodness knows that he's rejected me enough times to warrant some sort of dislike. But I couldn't even manage that. Well, not in the sense that made me love him any less or care any less. Instead I'd have moments when I'd wish that I'd never met him. Coz the "outta sight outta mind" concept was not working out so well.
So I took to forgetting the way any other nigga would. No, not narcotics. Or even alcohol. And food really don't work for me when I'm sad. And I can only have so much chocolate. My drug of choice is male affection and attention. So I started dating some other niggas who were willing, very willing... Desperately willing, to provide everything that Cutie was failing to. I jumped at the opportunity. Dude... And it was a complete bonus that he got jealous and all weird about my swift method of moving on. As Miss Jackson would say
A part of me will admit that my heart was hoping for that sorta reaction but in my head it made no difference. There was no way that I could ever be with him again, after he had betrayed my trust like that. No matter how he explained it or how much I hoped, truth is his ex girlfriend had been apart of our pseudo-relationship since the very beginning... So what do we have, really?! What I thought we had was broken into a million lil pieces and seriously how can you even begin to fix what never existed. And that trust and friendship on which I so heavily depended upon turned out to be no friendship at all... Because of zero honesty... Dude! I couldn't even look at him coz in my mind, he was no friend of mind.
And yet my heart continued to feel for him and I wondered if I couldn't just work around this. Still be his friend even though he made for a shitty one... But we all know my heart was just seeking out a way to make him see the light.... Which is "I can be your friend and your lover... The best you've ever had"... That reverse-psychology bullshit. This made me feel sadder. Like seriously. The guy has been lying to you forever and yet you still wanna be there.... Clearly I was going through my own haphazard DABDA!
Plently DENIAL... the concept of not being good enough manifesting itself as ANGER.... We also tried some BARGAINING much to my annoyance... Just coz I didn't wanna lose him and I desperately wanted this to work coz starting again with somebody else didn't appeal to me if anything, it exhausted me. Made me never wanna fall again coz it's just way to painful. But didn't I deserve better... And you only get better once you've put in the effort... As my mom likes to say... Good things come to those who wait...
I then went through a stage when I was hella sad... Guess you could call it mild DEPRESSION... Ironically enough, I would plummet into the depths of it when I was with another dude... When these new dudes would kiss me... I would automatically pretend they were Cutie just so I could get through it.... But it was not the same. It was not him. No matter how how hard I tried or how hard I wished. It was still some random. Or worse, some sexual hit. Made me feel cheap with my emotions and mostly made me feel like a user. Like two wrongs don't make a right so karma is sure to make me pay.
Hence this final stage of ACCEPTANCE. I'm still in love with him. And kissing him the other night, after all these months, confirmed that. Coz this time, when we kissed, I wasn't picturing anybody else. It was where I've wanted to be. And here I was... Yay! This also means accepting that I can't make out with random niggas to forget him or to numb my hurt, my pain, my frustration... I have to deal with it.... Either be with it or get over huh... Either way, I'm required to do it without hurting somebody else plus it don't feel as good. It never will. And I'll keep looking for the high by doing more and more hectic things when really, he's the only one that can fill me up with what I'm really craving. Him. 
Whether we hook up or not, the truth has made me be okay with needing him and not being over it. What's meant to be will be so I gotta jus stop fighting love... And jus be.
It's been a crazy few weeks... I mean when is it not?! So I've gone through a range of emotion. From humiliation to disgust to hate to sheer depression... I would say anger but we all know that's not a real emotion... I couldn't have hated Cutie even if I wanted to. Even after all this time. Goodness knows that he's rejected me enough times to warrant some sort of dislike. But I couldn't even manage that. Well, not in the sense that made me love him any less or care any less. Instead I'd have moments when I'd wish that I'd never met him. Coz the "outta sight outta mind" concept was not working out so well.
So I took to forgetting the way any other nigga would. No, not narcotics. Or even alcohol. And food really don't work for me when I'm sad. And I can only have so much chocolate. My drug of choice is male affection and attention. So I started dating some other niggas who were willing, very willing... Desperately willing, to provide everything that Cutie was failing to. I jumped at the opportunity. Dude... And it was a complete bonus that he got jealous and all weird about my swift method of moving on. As Miss Jackson would say
"You dunno watchu got til it's gone..."
A part of me will admit that my heart was hoping for that sorta reaction but in my head it made no difference. There was no way that I could ever be with him again, after he had betrayed my trust like that. No matter how he explained it or how much I hoped, truth is his ex girlfriend had been apart of our pseudo-relationship since the very beginning... So what do we have, really?! What I thought we had was broken into a million lil pieces and seriously how can you even begin to fix what never existed. And that trust and friendship on which I so heavily depended upon turned out to be no friendship at all... Because of zero honesty... Dude! I couldn't even look at him coz in my mind, he was no friend of mind.
And yet my heart continued to feel for him and I wondered if I couldn't just work around this. Still be his friend even though he made for a shitty one... But we all know my heart was just seeking out a way to make him see the light.... Which is "I can be your friend and your lover... The best you've ever had"... That reverse-psychology bullshit. This made me feel sadder. Like seriously. The guy has been lying to you forever and yet you still wanna be there.... Clearly I was going through my own haphazard DABDA!
Plently DENIAL... the concept of not being good enough manifesting itself as ANGER.... We also tried some BARGAINING much to my annoyance... Just coz I didn't wanna lose him and I desperately wanted this to work coz starting again with somebody else didn't appeal to me if anything, it exhausted me. Made me never wanna fall again coz it's just way to painful. But didn't I deserve better... And you only get better once you've put in the effort... As my mom likes to say... Good things come to those who wait... 
I then went through a stage when I was hella sad... Guess you could call it mild DEPRESSION... Ironically enough, I would plummet into the depths of it when I was with another dude... When these new dudes would kiss me... I would automatically pretend they were Cutie just so I could get through it.... But it was not the same. It was not him. No matter how how hard I tried or how hard I wished. It was still some random. Or worse, some sexual hit. Made me feel cheap with my emotions and mostly made me feel like a user. Like two wrongs don't make a right so karma is sure to make me pay. 
Hence this final stage of ACCEPTANCE. I'm still in love with him. And kissing him the other night, after all these months, confirmed that. Coz this time, when we kissed, I wasn't picturing anybody else. It was where I've wanted to be. And here I was... Yay! This also means accepting that I can't make out with random niggas to forget him or to numb my hurt, my pain, my frustration... I have to deal with it.... Either be with it or get over huh... Either way, I'm required to do it without hurting somebody else plus it don't feel as good. It never will. And I'll keep looking for the high by doing more and more hectic things when really, he's the only one that can fill me up with what I'm really craving. Him. 
Whether we hook up or not, the truth has made me be okay with needing him and not being over it. What's meant to be will be so I gotta jus stop fighting love... And jus be.
Tuesday, 2 June 2009
Day 118-120: Finally....Radio Chapter I
**This is actually my blog from an internal site but I found it to be so spot on and a lil too honest that I just had to share it with you guys....
I've been meaning to blog about my on-air escapades for a minute... so lemme break it down a lil... It's been a week since my second attempt at GroundZero. For all intensive purposes, I killed it compared to my premiere show five days before that.
I figure that I let the hype get to me during the first show. In between the "oh my goshes" and "oh my goodneses", I pretty much failed to be the cool big sis that listeners would like to have. I was like a groupie. Dude!
Lesson learnt: Dude! just be you!
As Em would say ...
It's really that simple. But I let the enormity of the moment/opportunity get at me and rip at me and drag me through the mud!
Twas an eye-opener. As in it made me realise that my moment, the moment that I had been dreaming about since I was a kid, had finally come and because of nerves, I was about to fuck it up momentously. Dude! Don't joke! Say it ain't so! I couldn't believe that I almost let it slip through my fingers like that...
and even today I ain't all that pleased with my performance during the second show.
Another lesson learnt...
Our lectures in the run up to the on-air stuff were quite spot-on!
As soon as I calmed down on the OMGs, I picked up on "OKay" and added some "er's and "ums" for added crutchness!it's the oddest thing that once you lose one crutch, you are bound to pick up another one! Just like that! I never say OK but now it's like my new word! Dude! like how?!
Dude!
it's hella wack hey.
my technical has been ait. As in I haven't skipped any songs, involuntarily but I did manage to gate-crash the news with a jingle. And if that wasn't enough, I didn't put up the level after front-announcing AKA's "Mistake". How apt!
You may ask...
But KP did you do anything right?
Yeah... I had a coupla tricks up my sleeve... from my totally fake, fabricated, imaginary friend that "sucks cock" to deal with stress and feel like a "strong black woman"... I don't doubt that such a female exists but she certainly ain't one of my friends.
...to my future "blind-date" with a white boy. Well, that wasn't a complete lie. An fb friend did "offer" me his white friend... but he was not keen to set us up, well not directly, he sought to rather, organise a lil chill session at his spot and then have us meet... So a blind-date with a twist... started off the show on an inquisitive note... Nice...
My links coulda been tighter if I had stuck to my prep and timings and such... but I doubted it in the moment. Stooooooopid girl.
More good news...
I've learnt to prep my own ish!
I've found a system that doesn't allow me to forget to back-announce and most of all to ID the station and my pretty lil face!
Too dope!
Now, I'm constantly jotting down ideas for links... I literally keep my notebook and pen on me... it's exciting ad it's daunting at the same time because my respect for the profession has grown tremendously ie I now see it as a proper gig. Not a hobby to be shat on! but at the same time, I'm freaked out by the intensity and how it isn't some big party on air like I sorta unconsciously perceived it to be.
Which has of cos made that crazy, totally illogical Q pop into my head. Is this what I really want? Really? really?
Part of my every being screams YES but my fear, a deep seated, unjustified, totally self-involved phobia is raising doubt, within!
So a lot of thinking is taking place. And of cos, been sussing out the competition. Totally natural especially when your turn to be on air is taking its sweet time.
But also totally a waste of time because I really shouldn't be checking for the other academics coz I'm the only horse that I should be concerned about. I can't see these other niggas coz I got my eye on the prize!
And with two shows to go... I am dying to prove my mettle. So I plan to pull out al the stops for the next show. Really. Fiery blazin links! Short sweet n punchy!
Sot he cat's out the bag but that's the thing about radio, my execution ain't like no other. At least that's the plan. To make it memorable.
We got some good news yesterday...
Not only will we be participating in a massive clean up campaign in our own internship capacities (oh joy-lol ) but we will also be having our own liners recorded! Dude! can you say too dope! With the official voice of the station!
Songs I'm loving at the moment...
Pure Surprise- Lulo Cafe (yho...he is the hottest nigga in the hood! No kidding!)
And of cos... Hottest Nigga in the Hood- Red Cafe (see the link!!!) [still!!]
Who's Real-Jada ft Swizz
Deeper- Euphonik
Return the Favour- Keri Hilson ft Timbo
My Love- The Dream ft Mariah
Rockin that Shit (Remix) -The Dream and all them niggas... [still!!!]
Good Clothes-Lil Brother [still!! stuck on that beat!]
And a host of other hottttt house tracks that I can't remember... it happens... mind you... I have yet to sleep since 9pm last night!
Since I've been absolutely self-indulgent... I guess I can get away without blogging for the next month... truth be told... I've missed talking about my passion... so you must JBS (jusssss beeee strong)!
Besides with God by my side... I can't help but shine.. wherever that may be! Funny thing about the picture below, I was loking for a star and that jumped at me! How appropriate...
That's how I know that The Script-writer is hard at work for lil ol me who deserves it the least... But would desire it regardless... pretty pretty please... I'm thinking he is liking the idea tooooo.. Well, I'ma keep the faith!
I've been meaning to blog about my on-air escapades for a minute... so lemme break it down a lil... It's been a week since my second attempt at GroundZero. For all intensive purposes, I killed it compared to my premiere show five days before that.
I figure that I let the hype get to me during the first show. In between the "oh my goshes" and "oh my goodneses", I pretty much failed to be the cool big sis that listeners would like to have. I was like a groupie. Dude!
Lesson learnt: Dude! just be you!
As Em would say ...
You better lose yourself in the music
The moment you own it you better never let it go, oh
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Cuz opportunity comes once in a lifetime, yo
You better lose yourself in the music
The moment you own it you better never let it go, oh
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Cuz opportunity comes once in a lifetime, yo
You better...
It's really that simple. But I let the enormity of the moment/opportunity get at me and rip at me and drag me through the mud!
Twas an eye-opener. As in it made me realise that my moment, the moment that I had been dreaming about since I was a kid, had finally come and because of nerves, I was about to fuck it up momentously. Dude! Don't joke! Say it ain't so! I couldn't believe that I almost let it slip through my fingers like that...
and even today I ain't all that pleased with my performance during the second show.
Another lesson learnt...
Our lectures in the run up to the on-air stuff were quite spot-on!
As soon as I calmed down on the OMGs, I picked up on "OKay" and added some "er's and "ums" for added crutchness!it's the oddest thing that once you lose one crutch, you are bound to pick up another one! Just like that! I never say OK but now it's like my new word! Dude! like how?!
Dude!
it's hella wack hey.
my technical has been ait. As in I haven't skipped any songs, involuntarily but I did manage to gate-crash the news with a jingle. And if that wasn't enough, I didn't put up the level after front-announcing AKA's "Mistake". How apt!
You may ask...
But KP did you do anything right?
Yeah... I had a coupla tricks up my sleeve... from my totally fake, fabricated, imaginary friend that "sucks cock" to deal with stress and feel like a "strong black woman"... I don't doubt that such a female exists but she certainly ain't one of my friends.
...to my future "blind-date" with a white boy. Well, that wasn't a complete lie. An fb friend did "offer" me his white friend... but he was not keen to set us up, well not directly, he sought to rather, organise a lil chill session at his spot and then have us meet... So a blind-date with a twist... started off the show on an inquisitive note... Nice...
My links coulda been tighter if I had stuck to my prep and timings and such... but I doubted it in the moment. Stooooooopid girl.
More good news...
I've learnt to prep my own ish!
I've found a system that doesn't allow me to forget to back-announce and most of all to ID the station and my pretty lil face!
Too dope!
Now, I'm constantly jotting down ideas for links... I literally keep my notebook and pen on me... it's exciting ad it's daunting at the same time because my respect for the profession has grown tremendously ie I now see it as a proper gig. Not a hobby to be shat on! but at the same time, I'm freaked out by the intensity and how it isn't some big party on air like I sorta unconsciously perceived it to be.
Which has of cos made that crazy, totally illogical Q pop into my head. Is this what I really want? Really? really?
Part of my every being screams YES but my fear, a deep seated, unjustified, totally self-involved phobia is raising doubt, within!
So a lot of thinking is taking place. And of cos, been sussing out the competition. Totally natural especially when your turn to be on air is taking its sweet time.
But also totally a waste of time because I really shouldn't be checking for the other academics coz I'm the only horse that I should be concerned about. I can't see these other niggas coz I got my eye on the prize!
And with two shows to go... I am dying to prove my mettle. So I plan to pull out al the stops for the next show. Really. Fiery blazin links! Short sweet n punchy!
Sot he cat's out the bag but that's the thing about radio, my execution ain't like no other. At least that's the plan. To make it memorable.
We got some good news yesterday...
Not only will we be participating in a massive clean up campaign in our own internship capacities (oh joy-lol ) but we will also be having our own liners recorded! Dude! can you say too dope! With the official voice of the station!
Songs I'm loving at the moment...
Pure Surprise- Lulo Cafe (yho...he is the hottest nigga in the hood! No kidding!)
And of cos... Hottest Nigga in the Hood- Red Cafe (see the link!!!) [still!!]
Who's Real-Jada ft Swizz
Deeper- Euphonik
Return the Favour- Keri Hilson ft Timbo
My Love- The Dream ft Mariah
Rockin that Shit (Remix) -The Dream and all them niggas... [still!!!]
Good Clothes-Lil Brother [still!! stuck on that beat!]
And a host of other hottttt house tracks that I can't remember... it happens... mind you... I have yet to sleep since 9pm last night!
Since I've been absolutely self-indulgent... I guess I can get away without blogging for the next month... truth be told... I've missed talking about my passion... so you must JBS (jusssss beeee strong)!
Besides with God by my side... I can't help but shine.. wherever that may be! Funny thing about the picture below, I was loking for a star and that jumped at me! How appropriate...
That's how I know that The Script-writer is hard at work for lil ol me who deserves it the least... But would desire it regardless... pretty pretty please... I'm thinking he is liking the idea tooooo.. Well, I'ma keep the faith!
Saturday, 30 May 2009
Day 112-117: Seven Days Was A Long Shot!
In a day, God created man. And when the sun set that evening, he looked at Adam and said, 'Hotdam I'm rock long time...' and then he went drinking at the Eden river, with the angels, to celebrate...
It's taken double that time for me and Shorty to restart fighting after just making up. Ya neh. We couldn't even go the seven that I spoke of in my last post. There's really no point in getting into why we are fighting now [but for completeness sake, here's the jist- we were supposed to go out to some birthday gig on Thursday night and he took a unilateral decision to cancel our plans. Something about being tired and under-dressed. I was not impressed. I flipped at him for being a fader. He claimed we could do it on Friday. Nothing happened Friday. Instead he was out with his mates. Which was all apparently unplanned. I just keep thinking I'm way to pretty to be dealing with such non-issues. Plently guys wanna spend time with me. Why am I still here? For what!? When it really appears as though, I ain't wanted.] I'm just sick of it. It's like the bad is superceding the good. It's so bad, I'm thinking of drawing up a list. Either of Pro's n Con's or of things that he does that I absolutely despise. He can also draw up the latter with regards to me and if we gonna work at this, those lists must be adhered to, otherwise it's an indication of disrespect and sheer carelessness. Which speaks volumes.
I used to date guys that I fought with all the time, thinking that it adds passion to the relationship. And then I dated a nigga that I hardly ever fought with and guess what- I enjoyed that so much more. The laughing and smiling and talking really beats arguing and crying and bitching. So I can't understand how I landed up here and how come I've been at it for almost as long as my longest relationship ever [four months]?!
But everytime I think of walking away, the heartburn hits my chest. And honestly, he does he quite an effect on my mood especially when things are cool and we're talking. I jus wish we could get along for more than three days out of the week.
I was so embarrassed when my mother asked me what he thought of my Monday show. I had to meekly tell her that I hadn't received any feedback from him. Even she raised her eyebrows even though she doesn't know that we are dating. But she knows that we're friends and that I'm hella supportive of his hustle. So in her head, it made no sense as to why he is seemingly not showing luv back. Luckily she spared me any further humiliation by letting that question hang in the air. Awkward!
Saturday night/the early hours of Sunday morning, I tried to talk to him about this kak. And I swear if he hadn't claimed to be too tired to get into it, I probably would've broken up with him right then and there. Coz something don't feel right. That feeling I had at the beginning of this, has returned and it's actually suffocating me. Rather annoying. Two options: stick it out like last time til it subsides or walk away from these weird feelings. Fuck it's weird. It feels like he's hiding something...
True to his conceited self, he insisted on discussing this issue from the other night, later today. Fine. It's not like it's going anywhere. We'll discuss it eventually and if it's over- let it be.
I could use some fresh material for my blog, as it is.
As for my show on Monday. I felt that it went well. So well that I walked away thinking that some of the proper DJs best be scared.... Coz I'm coming after their gigs! Unfortunately it will be a while til my next shot at presenting. Try 10 June. Dis ver! I was hoping we would have gotten an updated schedule by now, with all the non-presenters, having opened up more slots for the rest of us that want to do it.
But life ain't ever sucha breeze. Been working on scripts for a certain production from my former employer. Who woulda thought... 53 episodes by four links each. Hectic. But coming along nicely. Very exciting. Challenging. And learn-as-you-go. Very stimulating and keeps my mind off this rather immature love-life stuff. I won't lie. I'm expecting the worst.
It's taken double that time for me and Shorty to restart fighting after just making up. Ya neh. We couldn't even go the seven that I spoke of in my last post. There's really no point in getting into why we are fighting now [but for completeness sake, here's the jist- we were supposed to go out to some birthday gig on Thursday night and he took a unilateral decision to cancel our plans. Something about being tired and under-dressed. I was not impressed. I flipped at him for being a fader. He claimed we could do it on Friday. Nothing happened Friday. Instead he was out with his mates. Which was all apparently unplanned. I just keep thinking I'm way to pretty to be dealing with such non-issues. Plently guys wanna spend time with me. Why am I still here? For what!? When it really appears as though, I ain't wanted.] I'm just sick of it. It's like the bad is superceding the good. It's so bad, I'm thinking of drawing up a list. Either of Pro's n Con's or of things that he does that I absolutely despise. He can also draw up the latter with regards to me and if we gonna work at this, those lists must be adhered to, otherwise it's an indication of disrespect and sheer carelessness. Which speaks volumes.
I used to date guys that I fought with all the time, thinking that it adds passion to the relationship. And then I dated a nigga that I hardly ever fought with and guess what- I enjoyed that so much more. The laughing and smiling and talking really beats arguing and crying and bitching. So I can't understand how I landed up here and how come I've been at it for almost as long as my longest relationship ever [four months]?!
But everytime I think of walking away, the heartburn hits my chest. And honestly, he does he quite an effect on my mood especially when things are cool and we're talking. I jus wish we could get along for more than three days out of the week.
I was so embarrassed when my mother asked me what he thought of my Monday show. I had to meekly tell her that I hadn't received any feedback from him. Even she raised her eyebrows even though she doesn't know that we are dating. But she knows that we're friends and that I'm hella supportive of his hustle. So in her head, it made no sense as to why he is seemingly not showing luv back. Luckily she spared me any further humiliation by letting that question hang in the air. Awkward!
Saturday night/the early hours of Sunday morning, I tried to talk to him about this kak. And I swear if he hadn't claimed to be too tired to get into it, I probably would've broken up with him right then and there. Coz something don't feel right. That feeling I had at the beginning of this, has returned and it's actually suffocating me. Rather annoying. Two options: stick it out like last time til it subsides or walk away from these weird feelings. Fuck it's weird. It feels like he's hiding something...
True to his conceited self, he insisted on discussing this issue from the other night, later today. Fine. It's not like it's going anywhere. We'll discuss it eventually and if it's over- let it be.
I could use some fresh material for my blog, as it is.
As for my show on Monday. I felt that it went well. So well that I walked away thinking that some of the proper DJs best be scared.... Coz I'm coming after their gigs! Unfortunately it will be a while til my next shot at presenting. Try 10 June. Dis ver! I was hoping we would have gotten an updated schedule by now, with all the non-presenters, having opened up more slots for the rest of us that want to do it.
But life ain't ever sucha breeze. Been working on scripts for a certain production from my former employer. Who woulda thought... 53 episodes by four links each. Hectic. But coming along nicely. Very exciting. Challenging. And learn-as-you-go. Very stimulating and keeps my mind off this rather immature love-life stuff. I won't lie. I'm expecting the worst.
Wednesday, 20 May 2009
Day 104-107: Kingdom Come...
A dramatic build up often concludes in an equally undramatic anti-climax! You'll walk away and be on some... That's it?! Really now? Really?! No... Seriously!
Today was a day of firsts... Let's start with my first time hosting the 4AM-5AM slot. Dude! I really thought I would be less nervous which in turn turned out to be my biggest challenge (please note that I didn't say 'difficulty'. I picked that up from a guest lecturer, the other day. It's a mere obstacle... A lil hill...) was my anxiety. Self-inflicted n absolutely self-indulgent... It appears that in those moments, I forgot the teachings from A New Earth and Dr Gary Zukav... Nerves amount to selfish energy because it makes the situation only about you. It's not only about me but also the people listening and being subjected to poor radio because I'm way too self-involved to step out of MY anxiety to give them a decent show... Now I'm feeling like even though I get the above, I've gone from selfish to self-pity... Well, either way, there's no room for egoism! Just Do It!
And that's exactly what I plan on doing on Monday morning when we do it again. Keep it simple and short but pacy n punchy... Like a manly Ryan Seacrest... I wanna say risque stuff and have listeners latching on to my every word. Did I manage that despite my stage fright? I think I did what I could, considering the situation... It's not everyone that can talk about their 'friend' who sucks dick in order to deal with stress... And it's not many people that can be open about their less-than-cool approach.
Another first occurred after the show. Shorty n I hung out at his crib. Not only were we completely alone for the very first time, but we also had some privacy outside the confines of a car or even a corridor or a movie theatre or food outlet or event... Twas crazy surreal for him for me to be in his space... For me, it was the perfect escape from the memory of a not-so-perfect radio show.
I dunno if it was too soon but I knew that we would some time. And that day came... What's meant to be will be... What's meant to happen, did!
So now that we have that out of the way... Let's double up... Lol... Now the trick will be to figure if we gonna stay together despite those typical doubtful feelings that come with the-morning-after-the-night-before...
We actually spoke about it a lil... And it was a lil reminiscent ot the the first time we kissed. When that finally happened, I sorta wished that we had waited because as much as I wanted to do it, I really missed the feeling of anticipation from those previous three weeks.
But isn't that always the case. Feeling as though you shouldn't have done what you did. But you had to do it to prove a point... Whether to cement your feelings or to cultivate further feelings... it's how society has shaped intimacy. You can't claim to be seeing/feeling somebody and you guys don't kiss or beyond. I mean what would set you apart from the next pair of friends if you guys, as a couple, aren't acting on the feelings of lust?
So what makes a relationship? According to FFB, without fucking there is no relationship therefore you might as well be close friends. He rates it solidifies things. I dunno if I concur... I'm pretty sure me and Shorty are more than "close friends" but I dunno how I know... I guess I trust that he ain't sharing the same thoughts with other women. Lol! So now he can't have a female BFF?
[Enter Alicia Keys with 'Grlfriend'... I think I'm jealous of your girl friend...]
If you have somebody that you constantly spend time with but there's no shagging then you guys are either BFFs or BF and GF. What sets that apart????
So I looked up the definition of RELATIONSHIP...
Clearly the above didn't help...
So I looked it up in the Thesauraus...
And the following jumped at me...
An affinity... that zing that draws you and keeps you close to another person. Those butterflies that a simple BFF can't make you feel. That's what makes a relationship. Those strong, amorous feelings for another person that are often translated into the physical but don't exist because of the physical!
Ah Ha moment of note!
I'm considering calming down on the intimacy aspect until Shorty is comfortable. I don't want him doing stuff... hell... I don't wanna be doing stuff coz that's what's expected. We should be doing stuff coz that's what we wanna do...
Today was a day of firsts... Let's start with my first time hosting the 4AM-5AM slot. Dude! I really thought I would be less nervous which in turn turned out to be my biggest challenge (please note that I didn't say 'difficulty'. I picked that up from a guest lecturer, the other day. It's a mere obstacle... A lil hill...) was my anxiety. Self-inflicted n absolutely self-indulgent... It appears that in those moments, I forgot the teachings from A New Earth and Dr Gary Zukav... Nerves amount to selfish energy because it makes the situation only about you. It's not only about me but also the people listening and being subjected to poor radio because I'm way too self-involved to step out of MY anxiety to give them a decent show... Now I'm feeling like even though I get the above, I've gone from selfish to self-pity... Well, either way, there's no room for egoism! Just Do It!
And that's exactly what I plan on doing on Monday morning when we do it again. Keep it simple and short but pacy n punchy... Like a manly Ryan Seacrest... I wanna say risque stuff and have listeners latching on to my every word. Did I manage that despite my stage fright? I think I did what I could, considering the situation... It's not everyone that can talk about their 'friend' who sucks dick in order to deal with stress... And it's not many people that can be open about their less-than-cool approach.
Another first occurred after the show. Shorty n I hung out at his crib. Not only were we completely alone for the very first time, but we also had some privacy outside the confines of a car or even a corridor or a movie theatre or food outlet or event... Twas crazy surreal for him for me to be in his space... For me, it was the perfect escape from the memory of a not-so-perfect radio show.
I dunno if it was too soon but I knew that we would some time. And that day came... What's meant to be will be... What's meant to happen, did!
So now that we have that out of the way... Let's double up... Lol... Now the trick will be to figure if we gonna stay together despite those typical doubtful feelings that come with the-morning-after-the-night-before...
We actually spoke about it a lil... And it was a lil reminiscent ot the the first time we kissed. When that finally happened, I sorta wished that we had waited because as much as I wanted to do it, I really missed the feeling of anticipation from those previous three weeks.
But isn't that always the case. Feeling as though you shouldn't have done what you did. But you had to do it to prove a point... Whether to cement your feelings or to cultivate further feelings... it's how society has shaped intimacy. You can't claim to be seeing/feeling somebody and you guys don't kiss or beyond. I mean what would set you apart from the next pair of friends if you guys, as a couple, aren't acting on the feelings of lust?
So what makes a relationship? According to FFB, without fucking there is no relationship therefore you might as well be close friends. He rates it solidifies things. I dunno if I concur... I'm pretty sure me and Shorty are more than "close friends" but I dunno how I know... I guess I trust that he ain't sharing the same thoughts with other women. Lol! So now he can't have a female BFF?
[Enter Alicia Keys with 'Grlfriend'... I think I'm jealous of your girl friend...]
If you have somebody that you constantly spend time with but there's no shagging then you guys are either BFFs or BF and GF. What sets that apart????
So I looked up the definition of RELATIONSHIP...
–noun 1. a connection, association, or involvement.
2. connection between persons by blood or marriage.
3. an emotional or other connection between people: the relationship between teachers and students.
4. a sexual involvement; affair.
Clearly the above didn't help...
So I looked it up in the Thesauraus...
And the following jumped at me...
connection, friendship, affinity, bond, hookup...
An affinity... that zing that draws you and keeps you close to another person. Those butterflies that a simple BFF can't make you feel. That's what makes a relationship. Those strong, amorous feelings for another person that are often translated into the physical but don't exist because of the physical!
Ah Ha moment of note!
I'm considering calming down on the intimacy aspect until Shorty is comfortable. I don't want him doing stuff... hell... I don't wanna be doing stuff coz that's what's expected. We should be doing stuff coz that's what we wanna do...
Saturday, 16 May 2009
Day 93-103: Magic Moments Part III
And then the magic moment happened...
Well, maybe it was not so much a magic moment coz I don't think my life changed in that instance but the way I looked at a certain person, changed forever that very night. And for the first time, I admitted it to myself and him. Twas quite profound. Like looking in the mirror. But really looking... Not a passing glance...
On the way home on the Wednesday evening, my car-pool dude had his weekly night lecture. I was keen to get home after an exhausting day which saw Shorty and me ignoring each other. Literally. Dude, twas so crazy that he even ducked into the toilet when he saw me. I followed suite and jumped up from where I was sitting. My heart in my throat as I tried to shake it off! Funny thing, I had just found out when we, the interns, would be going on air so I was hella excited but I couldn't even share that with him. Twas just wack.
If you've ever sat in Joburg traffic, you'll realise that the way to make it go faster is to talk. Well that works for me coz after a day spent at a radio station, I ain't tryna hear more DJ chit-chat or high-rotation singles! So car-pool dude and I often discuss my train-smash of a love-life! No matter how embarrassing, he always gets it out of me. When I've said it all, I'll either pass out or blog! By the time, we're done with that, it's often too dark to study.
This time, I was riding with a family friend (FF). He was dying to know how things been going, especially in the love-life department so I spilled! And he turned around and took Shorty's side. SHOCK-ED! He also said that I should be careful, listening to people that may wanna just sabotage my relationship with Shorty. True. But The Girls couldn't possibly be like the other ruthless Joburg women. That's not their style. At least that's what I think/thought. In his eyes, I should just holla at dude, simply coz I do like him. I was gobsmacked, there's no way I was gonna let my feelings make a fool out of me. They will go away. They must. Needless to say, FF convinced me to holla at Shorty, despite my head screaming OH NO!
The way my heart explained it to my head is that if we gonna end this, let's end it today and if it's gonna be saved then let's stop being mad and just save it. (I must say that I really thought this was it!) But first he must know exactly how I feel... So I call him up... I swear my heartbeat was hella irregular and I thought I might pass out from the anticipation...
Wish I had recorded this telecon so that the following could be a lil more accurate...
Bottom line, we ended up seeing Wolverine, the following day. Which actually turned out to be a love story. The new week saw us talking for hours on Monday night, straight into Tuesday morning. He says that he never really talks to people... Which surprised me coz boy, does he have plenty to say. Which suits me just fine because I enjoy hearing about his plans and ambitions. It's inspiring because our dream-book pretty much reads the same way. He left so late that he even missed my 4AM news bulletin. My mom also slept through it... Classy. Impressed with neither.
The irony... We are getting closer through the fighting. It's weird but true. The drama is making us tighter... He actually said that I'm like his third arm... In the moment, it was so sweet but come to think about it, nobody really needs a third arm. In fact, doctors would recommend amputation. So maybe not the best compliment or metaphor... What does it mean anyway? I need you as much as I need an extra limb. Strange. The only time, I've come across that term is when somebody says that their cellphone is like a third arm It's an extension of the self. They can't live without it. It's always there. That's deep...
Well, maybe it was not so much a magic moment coz I don't think my life changed in that instance but the way I looked at a certain person, changed forever that very night. And for the first time, I admitted it to myself and him. Twas quite profound. Like looking in the mirror. But really looking... Not a passing glance...
On the way home on the Wednesday evening, my car-pool dude had his weekly night lecture. I was keen to get home after an exhausting day which saw Shorty and me ignoring each other. Literally. Dude, twas so crazy that he even ducked into the toilet when he saw me. I followed suite and jumped up from where I was sitting. My heart in my throat as I tried to shake it off! Funny thing, I had just found out when we, the interns, would be going on air so I was hella excited but I couldn't even share that with him. Twas just wack.
If you've ever sat in Joburg traffic, you'll realise that the way to make it go faster is to talk. Well that works for me coz after a day spent at a radio station, I ain't tryna hear more DJ chit-chat or high-rotation singles! So car-pool dude and I often discuss my train-smash of a love-life! No matter how embarrassing, he always gets it out of me. When I've said it all, I'll either pass out or blog! By the time, we're done with that, it's often too dark to study.
This time, I was riding with a family friend (FF). He was dying to know how things been going, especially in the love-life department so I spilled! And he turned around and took Shorty's side. SHOCK-ED! He also said that I should be careful, listening to people that may wanna just sabotage my relationship with Shorty. True. But The Girls couldn't possibly be like the other ruthless Joburg women. That's not their style. At least that's what I think/thought. In his eyes, I should just holla at dude, simply coz I do like him. I was gobsmacked, there's no way I was gonna let my feelings make a fool out of me. They will go away. They must. Needless to say, FF convinced me to holla at Shorty, despite my head screaming OH NO!
The way my heart explained it to my head is that if we gonna end this, let's end it today and if it's gonna be saved then let's stop being mad and just save it. (I must say that I really thought this was it!) But first he must know exactly how I feel... So I call him up... I swear my heartbeat was hella irregular and I thought I might pass out from the anticipation...
Wish I had recorded this telecon so that the following could be a lil more accurate...
Ring Ring [regular amount of rings. He surprisingly didn't make me wait.]
S: Hello
KP: [tentative]Hey..?
S: [equally tentative] Hi..
KP: Um...Can you talk?
S: Yeah, I can...
KP: [icebreaker] Oh crap that sucks. I was hoping you'd be busy and then I could get off the phone and not have this awkward conversation. (nervous giggle)
S: (no laughs) Dude you don't understand how hard my heart is beating right now...
KP: aaaahhh baby, me too... [tears stinging my eyes, yearning to hold him (thru the phone- tnx Soulja Boy)]
There's something I must tell you.
[Momentary amnesia. I collects herself and go through go my mental script... I tell him about that fateful Saturday night when he couldn't take me home so I got picked up. Before we left Rosebank, we headed to MacDee's for some grub. As soon as I walked in through the door, some nigga that actually has a striking resemblance to Shorty, except he's way shorter, hollered at me.
I was not impressed. More annoyed. I had had a long day of election field-reporting and didn't want to have to deal with rejecting some random at 11 PM. Well, this dude was persistent but only because he recognised me. We hooked up back in high-school. In fact, I was dating his friend and we ended up hooking up, behind his buddy's friend. Not cool. But that's what you do when you are in grade nine at a single sex school! You almost live for male attention... Well, I hadn't seen dude since. And here we were exchanging digits. A week later, we bumped into each other, again, near Nino's. Walked him to his car and we spoke about my love-life and it's heavy sexual frustration component. It was not until later that I realised that I shouldn't be discussing such with an ex-flame that still gives me bedroom eyes.
I got punished for it. He tried to kiss me. Tongue down my throat and all! But I pulled away. This cutie who ain't talking about taking it slow, wants me but I push him away. On any other day, any other year, I would've just went with it. Even if it was just for those five selfish, self-indulgent minutes, I would've done it. And simultaneously written off any prospect of my relationship with Shorty...]
KP:... in my head, if I cheat on a guy, it really means that I'm over dude. I'm not expecting much from our 'thing'.I realised three things as a result of that night. One, I really like you. And I really want this to work. Two, if guys are jumping me then girls must be jumping you too. But how are you reacting? [More temporary amnesia.. this time in real time. I can't remember what number three was. Funny coz I nearly forgot it that very night too.] And that would explain why I ain't keen to put a label on us because if we do get hella serious, I'm gonna have to trust you completely. You'll have the right to truly break my heart. All defences down. I'm no good at being vulnerable. I'm very protective of my feelings.
S: I don't wanna lose you. I told you that these groupies mean nothing. [can't remember the rest... at this point I was in a haze...]
Wanna go to a movie?
Bottom line, we ended up seeing Wolverine, the following day. Which actually turned out to be a love story. The new week saw us talking for hours on Monday night, straight into Tuesday morning. He says that he never really talks to people... Which surprised me coz boy, does he have plenty to say. Which suits me just fine because I enjoy hearing about his plans and ambitions. It's inspiring because our dream-book pretty much reads the same way. He left so late that he even missed my 4AM news bulletin. My mom also slept through it... Classy. Impressed with neither.
The irony... We are getting closer through the fighting. It's weird but true. The drama is making us tighter... He actually said that I'm like his third arm... In the moment, it was so sweet but come to think about it, nobody really needs a third arm. In fact, doctors would recommend amputation. So maybe not the best compliment or metaphor... What does it mean anyway? I need you as much as I need an extra limb. Strange. The only time, I've come across that term is when somebody says that their cellphone is like a third arm It's an extension of the self. They can't live without it. It's always there. That's deep...
Day 93-103: Magic Moments Part II
Since Monday, I been spending every second day just catching up on sleep because every other day is spent awake for at least 24 hours. It's the most insane but exhilarating experience. Finally, our time to be on air has come. As luck would have it... but...er... I don't believe in luck so as it was written...I'm the second last to go on air, on Wednesday 20 May, as per the 4AM-5AM schedule. To date I have read news twice (once on the first day, Tues 12 May and another on Thurs 14 May because the dude that was supposed to was otherwise occupied. Score for me really so I didn't mind absconding on my content production role for the few minutes that a coupla news bulletins take up. Besides, I gots to practice and get used to speaking out loud on the new mics).
My attention has really been on my exam and of course the on-air stuff. Constantly planning links and thinking of ways to make exciting radio. You may be half-asleep during 4AM and 5AM but really I gots no business contributing to that state of mind.
So what's my plan? Well, the words of the Programming Manager keep ringing in my head. Keep your links sweet and short and punchy. But so far, everybody has done the exact opposite. I can understand their thought-process though. They want to impress with humorous, interesting banter. The more you talk, the bigger the chance to be impressive and likewise, the larger the opportunity to suck. That's when the heartburn hits my chest!
But really, I gots to know how to take direction, right. So I'ma have to keep my words to a minimum. Think Ryan Seacrest's slickness and swag on the mic. Dope/Doe Boy Fresh (DBF)! I want that to be me! I plan to be exciting, spunky and all up in your face! Make you wanna get up without saying too much and I figure if I can manage that then I'm legend!
But of cos, I'm beginning to doubt myself. Hella nervous! I can't wait to rock my hour but then again, I could totally wait out of sheer anxiety.
Meanwhile back at the ranch... Shorty and I had yet another fight, at the beginning of last week, over the same tired topic... There I was minding my own business on Tuesday, keen to go on study leave, glad to have finished my SAMAs piece when The Girls walked in and one of them told me how she had witnessed Shorty in a shady, compromising situation at some night-spot during the weekend.
I felt the tears sting the back of my eye-balls as she spoke about this floozy that had her arms around him and was kissing his neck. The disgust welled up in my stomach, followed by sheer self-disappointment. How can you be so stupid, I asked myself. I was so sick and tired and pissed at the timing that I typed up a text and actually sent it this time. Because of my self-blame, it was rather mild-mannered. I wasn't about to scream n shout n curse coz in my head, there would be no point coz clearly this ain't the first time. Clearly I been gettin played. So I just told him that I can't deal with all these stories of him entertaining groupies so we should just end this. He called. I switched off my phone. I won't lie but I was rather pleased that he was appearing to be freakin out but at the same time, I thought, he only ever takes me seriously when I'm at the door with my suitcase packed! I also tried to think how he would explain his way out of this one. I thought how blind am I. How stoopid must I be. How pathetic. How retarded. Like what am I waiting for- to find him in bed with somebody else?
All these questions but only one answer. Go study!
Well, that was not about to happen. Well not that day. Instead I texted him again to say I wasn't tryna be rude but I know that if we talk, he's just gonna sweet-talk me out of my decision. He was actually rather mad and frustrated. From the sounds of the voice-messages that he left, demanding that I answer my phone to the texts that said he was tired of explaining himself and that we were over before we even begun (becaus of all these stories I was being fed). That stung. But that's one thing you will always receive from anger. It will make people show another side to themselves. It may be the truth or a defence mechanism. Either way, it has the potential to have some devastating repercussions.
In fact, in the midst of our heated text chat, I was having flashbacks of the last such chat I had with my BFF from varsity who hooked up with my ex flame behind my back and then turned around and accused me of jealousy when I condemned her actions. After that, I didn't see how we could ever be friends again because she just didn't get it. She was not sympathetic towards my feelings or even empathetic. It was all about her and I had to just accept her skanky behaviour. She even went on to say that she didn't even really like me and that I can only wish I was like her and no amount of therapy could fix me. That hurt because I was in therapy following my grandmother's death.... That comment proved to be the nail in the coffin! (Therapy proved to be the catalyst for my path to self discovery actually... but I digress...)
My text chat with Shorty could've easily gone that route and I could hate him right now but we handled it. And I think that's because we were both not ready to walk away. Not yet. Not now. Although I was not about to admit it at that point... I did all but beg him to confess instead because I needed to know that was not walking away from this because of a really dumb reason. Whatever that could be. Yes, I kept hoping for some sort of explanation that would make me nod my head feverishly and say 'ah yes, that explains it all.'
And then the magic moment came...
My attention has really been on my exam and of course the on-air stuff. Constantly planning links and thinking of ways to make exciting radio. You may be half-asleep during 4AM and 5AM but really I gots no business contributing to that state of mind.
So what's my plan? Well, the words of the Programming Manager keep ringing in my head. Keep your links sweet and short and punchy. But so far, everybody has done the exact opposite. I can understand their thought-process though. They want to impress with humorous, interesting banter. The more you talk, the bigger the chance to be impressive and likewise, the larger the opportunity to suck. That's when the heartburn hits my chest!
But really, I gots to know how to take direction, right. So I'ma have to keep my words to a minimum. Think Ryan Seacrest's slickness and swag on the mic. Dope/Doe Boy Fresh (DBF)! I want that to be me! I plan to be exciting, spunky and all up in your face! Make you wanna get up without saying too much and I figure if I can manage that then I'm legend!
But of cos, I'm beginning to doubt myself. Hella nervous! I can't wait to rock my hour but then again, I could totally wait out of sheer anxiety.
Meanwhile back at the ranch... Shorty and I had yet another fight, at the beginning of last week, over the same tired topic... There I was minding my own business on Tuesday, keen to go on study leave, glad to have finished my SAMAs piece when The Girls walked in and one of them told me how she had witnessed Shorty in a shady, compromising situation at some night-spot during the weekend.
I felt the tears sting the back of my eye-balls as she spoke about this floozy that had her arms around him and was kissing his neck. The disgust welled up in my stomach, followed by sheer self-disappointment. How can you be so stupid, I asked myself. I was so sick and tired and pissed at the timing that I typed up a text and actually sent it this time. Because of my self-blame, it was rather mild-mannered. I wasn't about to scream n shout n curse coz in my head, there would be no point coz clearly this ain't the first time. Clearly I been gettin played. So I just told him that I can't deal with all these stories of him entertaining groupies so we should just end this. He called. I switched off my phone. I won't lie but I was rather pleased that he was appearing to be freakin out but at the same time, I thought, he only ever takes me seriously when I'm at the door with my suitcase packed! I also tried to think how he would explain his way out of this one. I thought how blind am I. How stoopid must I be. How pathetic. How retarded. Like what am I waiting for- to find him in bed with somebody else?
All these questions but only one answer. Go study!Well, that was not about to happen. Well not that day. Instead I texted him again to say I wasn't tryna be rude but I know that if we talk, he's just gonna sweet-talk me out of my decision. He was actually rather mad and frustrated. From the sounds of the voice-messages that he left, demanding that I answer my phone to the texts that said he was tired of explaining himself and that we were over before we even begun (becaus of all these stories I was being fed). That stung. But that's one thing you will always receive from anger. It will make people show another side to themselves. It may be the truth or a defence mechanism. Either way, it has the potential to have some devastating repercussions.
In fact, in the midst of our heated text chat, I was having flashbacks of the last such chat I had with my BFF from varsity who hooked up with my ex flame behind my back and then turned around and accused me of jealousy when I condemned her actions. After that, I didn't see how we could ever be friends again because she just didn't get it. She was not sympathetic towards my feelings or even empathetic. It was all about her and I had to just accept her skanky behaviour. She even went on to say that she didn't even really like me and that I can only wish I was like her and no amount of therapy could fix me. That hurt because I was in therapy following my grandmother's death.... That comment proved to be the nail in the coffin! (Therapy proved to be the catalyst for my path to self discovery actually... but I digress...)
My text chat with Shorty could've easily gone that route and I could hate him right now but we handled it. And I think that's because we were both not ready to walk away. Not yet. Not now. Although I was not about to admit it at that point... I did all but beg him to confess instead because I needed to know that was not walking away from this because of a really dumb reason. Whatever that could be. Yes, I kept hoping for some sort of explanation that would make me nod my head feverishly and say 'ah yes, that explains it all.'
And then the magic moment came...
Sunday, 5 April 2009
Day 60-63: what now?!
The past few days have been hella taxing. Personally and professionally. Good and bad. The day after April Fools Day marked the end of a very dramatic two months. None of what has transpired on the road to 180 Days ever occurred to me as a possibility. Not even a remote one.
Before we tackle the present and what the remaining 120 may bring, let's recap...Lol!
So I broke up with my boyfriend at the beginning of the year, only to keep in contact well into the end of January. Cut off the communication on the day before I began this hot internship which was sure to be my ticket to a successful radio career (but I quickly realised that it wouldn't be as smooth a ride).
So there I was, competing for top honors with eleven other eager beavers at work and completely cut off from my ex-soul-mate. Ok maybe not completely but we certainly don't talk as much as we used to. Not even a fraction. Recently, it's hardly ever, which is good considering that by the second week of February, somebody new had caught my eye.
It was not the plan but a few niggas had caught my eye. From a light-skinned cutie at a campus radio staff party who managed to screw up my Valentine's Day with his 'ex'-gf drama to the excruciating baby-momma drama of an unavailable chocolate brotha with the sweetest, most sensitive n compassionate persona that I've ever seen. Sexual chemistry for days! Needless to say, Lover had to do him so I did me!
Even with my right arm in a sling, the world been to just shower me with excitement and I quickly shrugged off the tears for Lover. FFB (Footsie Footsie Boy) started to holla in between some fancy footwork. And so did a range of other men who were or are seemingly just interested in a fresh shag. And for that very reason, they are not worth a mention or a holla back.
Now you may wonder why there's hardly any mention of work. Honestly it was not half as exciting. Yes, I was in the thick of things, being inside the machine is nothing like being part of the machine. I'm learning all the technicalities but I really just wanna be a technicality! That's all I'm dying to do... Be on air again! So please don't think that I'm obsessed with the opposite sex coz quite the vice-versa is true... ha ha... And boy is it an ego-trippin experience...
But I'm hardly all about ego rubbing. Niggas come at a dime a dozen... Atleast that's what my head thinks... My heart is a lil more stubborn about accepting that notion.
So before FFB could up his game, Shorty entered the picture. During Lover's last days, Shorty had been an extra, somewhere in the background, quick to greet with nothing much to say. Once Lover was out the picture, Shorty quickly became a front-runner despite his dodgy pick-up lines... Out of nowhere, there was this affinity between us during the beginning of March. As much as I thought that my bleedin' heart was being provided with the best get-out-of-jail free card, I quickly realised that this convenience came with complications despite his single status.
In between his alleged ex-fling drama, psycho chick 'friends' and take-it-slow nonchalance, I struggled to figure if we were coming or going. I was also introduced to the world of delayed physical intimacy. Wow! So how do you tell if he likes you? You can't really! Well not in the typical way. Only way to say is by him spending time with you, I guess and perhaps his word. Faith, really. It's like believing in God. It's blind faith and probably the most terrifyingly naive n in depth.
My career has also been asking for some faith. A job offer has me reeling. It's a tremendous opportunity to infiltrate Marketing, an industry that I've always been fascinated in. But I'm wondering if I should pounce on it or not considering that I want to be on air! Will it be a lil detour or a blessing? I dunno. But I always figured that if an offer came through than God expects me to take it coz he provided it. He knows I wouldn't be able to say no. He knows that I wouldn't know what to do...
Short of Him talking to me... Directly... I really dunno but I'ma go with the above. It will be hard to leave but new adventures await... I was supposed to give an answer on Friday already but they have yet to furnish me with the contract terms. Plus, with the elections coming up, the interns been deployed to the newsroom after a hectic Saturday workshop which saw one of the interns, 'Alicia Keys' spit fire at the news boss, much to his disgust! It's pretty much down to eleven now.
I'm hoping that even if I leave, I'll still be granted an opportunity to go on air but what the chances... What am I losing out on here? That's the gamble! You dunno what you got til its gone...
Another possible loss could come in the form of Shorty. He ain't too happy with my attitude and demands an adjustment. I don't like to believe astrology but the claims surrounding the dynamics between an Aries man-FIRE and a Pisces woman-WATER, kinda explain why fight so much... To be contd...
Before we tackle the present and what the remaining 120 may bring, let's recap...Lol!
So I broke up with my boyfriend at the beginning of the year, only to keep in contact well into the end of January. Cut off the communication on the day before I began this hot internship which was sure to be my ticket to a successful radio career (but I quickly realised that it wouldn't be as smooth a ride).
So there I was, competing for top honors with eleven other eager beavers at work and completely cut off from my ex-soul-mate. Ok maybe not completely but we certainly don't talk as much as we used to. Not even a fraction. Recently, it's hardly ever, which is good considering that by the second week of February, somebody new had caught my eye.
It was not the plan but a few niggas had caught my eye. From a light-skinned cutie at a campus radio staff party who managed to screw up my Valentine's Day with his 'ex'-gf drama to the excruciating baby-momma drama of an unavailable chocolate brotha with the sweetest, most sensitive n compassionate persona that I've ever seen. Sexual chemistry for days! Needless to say, Lover had to do him so I did me!
Even with my right arm in a sling, the world been to just shower me with excitement and I quickly shrugged off the tears for Lover. FFB (Footsie Footsie Boy) started to holla in between some fancy footwork. And so did a range of other men who were or are seemingly just interested in a fresh shag. And for that very reason, they are not worth a mention or a holla back.
Now you may wonder why there's hardly any mention of work. Honestly it was not half as exciting. Yes, I was in the thick of things, being inside the machine is nothing like being part of the machine. I'm learning all the technicalities but I really just wanna be a technicality! That's all I'm dying to do... Be on air again! So please don't think that I'm obsessed with the opposite sex coz quite the vice-versa is true... ha ha... And boy is it an ego-trippin experience...
But I'm hardly all about ego rubbing. Niggas come at a dime a dozen... Atleast that's what my head thinks... My heart is a lil more stubborn about accepting that notion.
So before FFB could up his game, Shorty entered the picture. During Lover's last days, Shorty had been an extra, somewhere in the background, quick to greet with nothing much to say. Once Lover was out the picture, Shorty quickly became a front-runner despite his dodgy pick-up lines... Out of nowhere, there was this affinity between us during the beginning of March. As much as I thought that my bleedin' heart was being provided with the best get-out-of-jail free card, I quickly realised that this convenience came with complications despite his single status.
In between his alleged ex-fling drama, psycho chick 'friends' and take-it-slow nonchalance, I struggled to figure if we were coming or going. I was also introduced to the world of delayed physical intimacy. Wow! So how do you tell if he likes you? You can't really! Well not in the typical way. Only way to say is by him spending time with you, I guess and perhaps his word. Faith, really. It's like believing in God. It's blind faith and probably the most terrifyingly naive n in depth.
My career has also been asking for some faith. A job offer has me reeling. It's a tremendous opportunity to infiltrate Marketing, an industry that I've always been fascinated in. But I'm wondering if I should pounce on it or not considering that I want to be on air! Will it be a lil detour or a blessing? I dunno. But I always figured that if an offer came through than God expects me to take it coz he provided it. He knows I wouldn't be able to say no. He knows that I wouldn't know what to do...
Short of Him talking to me... Directly... I really dunno but I'ma go with the above. It will be hard to leave but new adventures await... I was supposed to give an answer on Friday already but they have yet to furnish me with the contract terms. Plus, with the elections coming up, the interns been deployed to the newsroom after a hectic Saturday workshop which saw one of the interns, 'Alicia Keys' spit fire at the news boss, much to his disgust! It's pretty much down to eleven now.
I'm hoping that even if I leave, I'll still be granted an opportunity to go on air but what the chances... What am I losing out on here? That's the gamble! You dunno what you got til its gone...
Another possible loss could come in the form of Shorty. He ain't too happy with my attitude and demands an adjustment. I don't like to believe astrology but the claims surrounding the dynamics between an Aries man-FIRE and a Pisces woman-WATER, kinda explain why fight so much... To be contd...
Wednesday, 1 April 2009
Day 59: Sinful...
Today I auditioned for the newsreader position. And even went to the music committee meeting... Aah something to do... So I was glad to be a little constructive. It beats fighting the urge to pull my hair out. It beats dealing with the funny looks. It beats engaging in long-winded, unproductive skinner sessions.
I'm done with that. So much so that it feels as though my brain is turning to mush.
I haven't written an article in so long. And when I do try, I only get as far as trying to apply all the stuff that I've been taught. Instead of applying the instincts of a God-given talent, I'm using my brain. A mind that's been, for the most part, jaded. I'm no longer the writer I was.... Um... Of cos I am but I'm having trouble balancing what comes easiest to me and the awesome lessons I've learnt. Price of immaturity or maybe 'WE DON'T NEED NO EDUCATION!'... Maybe somebody else's lessons are merely that... SOMEBODY ELSE'S... I mean who taught that person and the person before... Sorry I'm sounding like those philosophical stoner rebels without a cause... Not the intention... Just saying though....
Because of Shorty's unavailability, I had planned on going to a movie but he left hella late so I couldn't catch one... As I'm walking past the local watering hole, I see FFB and some other mutual acquaintances. He's keen to keep me company til nine so we hang. His plan is to blunt and get crunk... Not just coz that's what he does on a regular basis but also to lessen his hurt. His aunt aka second mom is literally on her death bed. So he's in a state plus work is hectic.... The timing couldn't be worse. And he ain't so good with sharing those kinda feelings... My heart bled for him.... Even when he was poppin pills... Dude!
I dunno hey... Where the hell am I... Where people are doing drugs... Willy nilly... Like it ain't no thing... Am I gonna become like that? Is this what they call the fast life in Jozi? I ain't keen then...
I'm done with that. So much so that it feels as though my brain is turning to mush.I haven't written an article in so long. And when I do try, I only get as far as trying to apply all the stuff that I've been taught. Instead of applying the instincts of a God-given talent, I'm using my brain. A mind that's been, for the most part, jaded. I'm no longer the writer I was.... Um... Of cos I am but I'm having trouble balancing what comes easiest to me and the awesome lessons I've learnt. Price of immaturity or maybe 'WE DON'T NEED NO EDUCATION!'... Maybe somebody else's lessons are merely that... SOMEBODY ELSE'S... I mean who taught that person and the person before... Sorry I'm sounding like those philosophical stoner rebels without a cause... Not the intention... Just saying though....
Because of Shorty's unavailability, I had planned on going to a movie but he left hella late so I couldn't catch one... As I'm walking past the local watering hole, I see FFB and some other mutual acquaintances. He's keen to keep me company til nine so we hang. His plan is to blunt and get crunk... Not just coz that's what he does on a regular basis but also to lessen his hurt. His aunt aka second mom is literally on her death bed. So he's in a state plus work is hectic.... The timing couldn't be worse. And he ain't so good with sharing those kinda feelings... My heart bled for him.... Even when he was poppin pills... Dude!
I dunno hey... Where the hell am I... Where people are doing drugs... Willy nilly... Like it ain't no thing... Am I gonna become like that? Is this what they call the fast life in Jozi? I ain't keen then...
Sunday, 29 March 2009
Day 54-56: Weekend tremors...
_(CD1).jpg)
I've never been a fan of the initial stages of THE MAN-WOMAN BOOGIE, simply because everything is so fragile. It's like wearing your heart on your sleeve and hoping that your beau doesn't notice. Two reasons. You don't want him to get freaked out by any slight detection of how hectic your feelings may be. This is not Hollywood! You can't be fallin within 85 minutes. You wanna look cool but not disinterested. You wanna look interested but not psycho. It's plenty juggling. And feelings are bound to get hurt coz at the end of the day, it's a matter of two strangers attempting diplomatic romance.
Shorty takes my breathe away. As cliche as that sounds, he still makes me think before I speak and I'm irrationally worried that he can't possibly dig me at all. Never mind as much as I dig him. In my eyes, I ain't nearly as intoxicating or interesting or beautifully complex and strangely simple as he is. In fact, I don't feel like I'm good enough for him. He can do better. And I wouldn't be surprised if he figures as much. Now the rational me figures that those are clearly the crazy rhetorics of a cupid-struck loser. The Kimora in me knows that he best be in awe of me coz not many niggas are lucky enough to get this close but she says this in a rather meek n not-so-fabulous voice.
Just like a star across my sky/ Just like an angel off the page/ You have appeared to my life/ Feel like I'll never be the same/ Just like a song in my heart/ Just like oil on my hands...
It's so bad, I don't wanna be mad at him for nothing. I'm so whipped. And I'm pissed about it.
Ok anger is not a real emotion so I'm truly fearful of being so into him that when he does disappoint me, I'll hurt so bad. It'll rip at my insides and hang them on a washing line [dunno where that imagery came from...sorry].
The last time I felt this way was early last year with my ex. I was so scared of 'losing' him, I broke up with him twice to halt my over-flowing emotions. It really annoyed me! Or rather made me feel too good. So good it terrified me... If that makes sense...
Thursday, 26 March 2009
Day 53: The Morning After The Night Before...
I've been meaning to discuss this but other facets of my life been rather pressing.... But here it is... Finally...
For the most part, the Thursday lectures are the highlight of my week from an academic point of view. Today, the topic of subconscious crutches perked my interest. I know I 'um' and 'er' alot. Hardly ever in general (I think) but especially on air. It's the price of being ill-prepared when you switch on that red light...
It's also the plight of my approach. I take on radio, in the same manner that I would take on writing. Raw, uneducated and hella ignorant. Now that I'm learning all these various techniques, I'm starting to wonder if I'm up to it... Perhaps even my writing skills need some refinement. I mean even the grandest of singing talents take voice-coaching lessons.
This self-doubt isn't as bad as it was a month ago but it's still as frustrating as the urge to pee. The difference between writing and radio is that the lil gems that I create can be edited and refined when doing the former but with the latter, if you flub it up once, you're done. You must get it right every time. It's no longer funny on your second attempt.
As much as I think that scripting an entire three-hour show would make things run smoother, I'm really not all that acquainted with my wit and sense of humour. I even suprise myself and laugh at myself.... [Like Weezy would say, 'I should throw myself a suprise party for every line'] 'Oh, you're hilarious', I'll say to myself... Nine times out of ten the really funny stuff is not planned and when it is, it's not nearly as ticklish. So I can't script coz my organised-humour sucks balls! Yes, I haven't tried but not the point right now!
Wait... actually, come to think of it, when I write articles, I'm hella funny... And for the most part, an article is 'planned' ie done in advance. It's not like they publish the very first draft that very day, that very moment as you write it. So maybe scripting is just lil articles in one.... Mm... I just had an aha-moment whilst typing this. With this blog, I always publish the first draft and edit it here and there. But mostly grammar and such, hardly ever chunks of text. I think a different approach maybe needed for the on-air product. Shorty figures the scripting does not have to be hella detailed. Key-words may work better. I concur. Maybe a mixture of both. Coz most of the time with scripts, whatever you plan to say, you never do. That on-air button throws you right off. But maybe in between the 'ums', I'll remember the prep and do it some justice.
Well, I'm gonna freak out, maybe I should try meditation instead....
Goodness I'm so excited about going on air soon. I'm hella keen to not only prove myself but also apply what I've learnt...
Last week, we were encouraged to research our listeners and also go figure what makes you distinct, unique, different! Everyone can back-announce, id the station and ride off a 'good radio voice' but really what makes you stand out from that 'I WANNA BE ON RADIO' crowd??!
Armed with a pen, I picked the brains of Lil Sis, Ma, my cousin, some fellow interns, Shorty and FFB (writing out 'Footsie-Footsie Boy' takes forever! Yes, I'm well-aware that the acronym amounts to BFF backwards. How appropriate. Shame that nigga is dope! Too bad he says he ain't tryna be friends coz I think we could totally be best buddies! Oh well...)
Once I got the feedback, I compared it to my own list of the things I reckon I'm good at. Um... Not many people said 'funny'. Hella disappointing. Instead straight-forward, assertive, opinionated, self-absorbed came up....
Nice... So the listeners are gonna love to hate me!
Saw Shorty yet again. We went, or rather, he went shopping again and I tagged along... but more about that later. We didn't kiss. Goodness, we didn't even hug. Like I've said before, this is like high school luvin'! I won't be suprised if we don't kiss again until next month. Ok ok I'm probably pushing it.... But I'm jus saying though...
A mutual girl friend of ours apparently hit the roof when she saw an fb message that I had sent him. She claimed me to be 'her territory' thus he should stay away. Funny coz she BEEN dating my ex on some clandestine tip. So why the hell is she catching feelings!? Actually, we long figured that she BEEN feelin Shorty for a minute... Like most psychos do... Never a dull moment in that nigga's life!
Monday, 23 March 2009
Day 50: Suprise Surprise...
Cause everybody knows/ That nobody really knows/ How to make it work/ Or how to ease the hurt/ We've heard it all before/ That everybody knows/ How to make it work/ I wish we gave it one more try...
I was hoping that today's blog wouldn't even sniff at Shorty. But alas... Bear with me though. This won't be as long-winded coz I'm just so deflated... Shorty suprised me by 'bumping' into me today... Even 'Alicia Keys' said we suit eachother... That was the good part... My guy friend, whom Miss Thang confided in, is convinced that I'm being played. Not-so-good part! Well, he may have the most complicated love-life, next to mine but I still respect his opinion. I'm well aware just how illogical and irrational emotions can make one, no matter how much one trusts What's-His-Face. My buddy figures that 'There's no smoke without fire!'.... After spending fifty days in the cut-throat setting of Northern Joburg, I know that not everyone is normal. They lie, cheat, steal, screw around to get their way. I also know that you can't trust anybody. Even if that somebody is highly convincing, complete with heavy emotion and threatening remarks. Everyone's on Broadway! Shorty once said he doesn't wanna confront Miss Thang coz it'll turn ugly (like her... Lol). She apparently declared that I better leave her man alone or else... 'Oh, you jus mad coz I'm stylin' on ya!...'
This all makes me think of MacBeth and how ambition turned him into a murderous monster... Is it worth it? I mean, is it worth it to bear the brunt of somebody's determination... Shouldn't I just step out the way?
Back to my point.... There's no smoke without fire? Or is there? Shorty may claim to be the victim of defamation and goodness knows that I would love to believe that with all my heart... But if he is being honest then naturally or even far-fetchedly so, it follows that Jacob Zuma really could be the victim of a heavy conspiracy...? An underground movement that is keen to see him go down. He may not have done anything, even remotely wrong. He may just have gotten in the way of a hectically motivated individual... Can life be that bizarre? Or are the facts that simple... And the truth hardly complicated... Short of calling on a Sherlock Holmes and flipping through some phone records or even Shorty's phone, I have no way of proving anything without becoming psycho myself... I only have my gut feel... Is it worth it to deal with so much drama? Juliette got herself killed coz of it...
Good dude/ Bad night/ Right place/ Wrong time/ In the blink of an eye/ His whole life changed/ If you could feel how my face felt/ You'd know how Mase felt/ Thank God, I ain't too cool for the safe belt...
Last year, Paul cheated, towards the end of our first month together. He kept it up for a few weeks. I only found out a month later. My gut failed me. Atleast that's how I felt. Cheated. Absolutely swindled. Fooled. Stoopid. Hella betrayed. All that security and validation that a woman works so hard to achieve within a relationship, all shattered. Broken as though it never ever existed. As though I had imagined it all. And in many ways, I had. It was all in my inflated head. Hubristic [New word from Grey's lol] coz I thought he was so whipped. I wasn't bothered into paying any real attention to our relationship. I didn't have to work at it much coz I felt that he couldn't be anymore impressed with my persona. Pride comes before a fall hey... Besides I was way too caught up in my job. My relationship amounted to rent-a-friend. Someone that's there to fill up the moments when you aren't working, sleeping, eating, washing up, reading... So maybe my gut didn't fail me. Maybe there was no smoke but a massive fire that I was too self-involved too notice...
I dunno... I really don't coz when I was in it, I really did feel like an active (ok maybe only 60% active) part of the relationship. Because of that balls-up, I'm a lil more cautious... I'm scared that this time, my gut may 'fail' me again. I may be so into this guy that I wouldn't recognise Deception even if he came up and dislocated my other shoulder...
Aaaaaargh! So now what?
No answers there. Footsie-Footsie Boy got a new ride and he's keen to do movies this Thursday... Complete with a ride home... Full steam ahead... I'm hella chaffed, dunno if I'll do it though... My ex has also been 'checkin on me'... Dunno hey... Moved on and moved up... Lol... My long-lost-love-from-another-life-time, Bots-Boy, who I have yet to meet, f-b'd and it turns out that he's been reading my blog... He and other folks too... I know I wrote this so that y'all could read it but really, I'm hella freaked by all the people that do take the time to read this soap-opera. Dankie baie!
I really wish work was more interesting, at the moment so that I could stop writing about men... It makes me feel so flat to be gaaning aan about one and the same subject! But it is what it is/ And the way it is/ Is kinda fucked up!
Sunday, 22 March 2009
Day 48-49: Con-FUSS-ed!
Saturday was dedicated to my 'adopted' lil sis. Double score coz it would get my mind off Shorty. Especially coz she's in the middle of a pregnancy scare and we needed to get her checked. Also, needed to catch up... It's been a minute since I saw her and telephonic chats just ain't the same. Last time I saw her, she was a virgin... Now she's late. I'm not the best big sister I guess but now that things are a lil more chilled, I'ma be there especially now that she's nearly done with high school and she's tryna figure out where to go, what to do.
During the conversation, after the pregnancy tests, we discussed her PUSHER bf and how patient she has to be with him when he doesn't call because he apparently has family issues. She reckons that I should be more patient with Shorty coz I never know what's going on with him, that's got him all quiet. Imagine! This 17 year-old child giving me advice. Talk about role reversal. I WAS LESS THAN IMPRESSED TO BE TOLD, for all intensive purposes, to chase after a triflin nigga! Those six words flooding my mind, 'HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU!'... My heart hoped that the opposite was true so that I wouldn't have to start building that bridge...
I put my pride to the side... With Sade (Love is Stronger than Pride) in the background and lil one urging me on... I called him, absolutely certain that a verbal altercation would ensue... Apparently, I was so freaked that I was shaking... However, he was in high spirits, heading to the bank. 'But it's closed,' he moaned... Well duh, it's after twelve on a Saturday, Sparky!
Ok... Good news... We talking about everyday stuff... Bad news... We talking as though things been normal since Thursday... So I broke the ice by saying just how suprised I am that he's cool coz he's been giving me the silent treatment. He in turn, mentioned his phantom text from Thursday night which he says was sent at the same time that mine came in. He even thought that my text was a replying to his.
The double texting must have screwed with the matrix coz I never got his text. Which is hella sucky coz I've been hating him for two days. Imagine if I hadn't heeded the counsel of a teenager.... He resent the text which contained an apology for being 'an idiot', he just doesn't feel like company when he is pissed! He also aired some grievances. He feels like 'I want him to do things that I want him to do'! I really don't get that so I'm gonna ask when I see him... But I guess I gotta cool it on the Miss Independent tip.... So I'ma compromise... I'm glad that we sorted stuff out coz I'm keen to spoil him for his birthday, which is in a week. Who knows, I might even get a kiss out of it... Actually, at this rate, I'll be lucky to get a handshake...
Friday, 20 March 2009
Day 47: It Doesn't Rain, It Flash-Floods!
Oh you're the reason why I'm thinking/ I don't wanna smoke on these cigarettes no more/ I guess that's what I get for wishful thinking/ Shoulda never let you enter my door/ Next time you wanna go on and leave/ I should just let you go on and do it/ It's not amusing like I believe...
It may have been the end of the week but Friday was not about to go out quietly. In fact, Friday the 13th was a week late and fiercer than it's ever been.
Not only was my direct Rosebank taxi taken off the rank coz there were hardly any people to take it but once in the Alex taxi, it took us over half an hour to get onto the highway because of some or other Metro Police detour! Good times!
Not that I'm condoning the measures that Taxi-drivers resort to in order to not 'waste' time but really if it wasn't for those 'reckless' offenders, I'd get to work, much much later. Well, today we got one of the conservative, ol fashioned types with countless peek-a-boo's of grey on his head. This driver was not tryna break the law so I took the time to catch up on some sleep... While the other passengers, called in late.
Once in Joburg, I could see a mother of a cloud hanging over Sandton City. Funny coz the highway was only partly cloudy with some sunshine, creating one hella false sense of security for the me and my naked calves!
The script-writer/director finally cued the rain. And I mean rain! One moment it was sunny, the next it was hailing hard. So hard that water was splashed into the taxi when a car drove past. That's when many wished they had called in sick instead. Couldn't believe the amount of water. Visibility was to the minimum and getting off the taxi was like crossing a river. As much as I have been ignoring 'The Inconvenient Truth', can't help but reckon that we experienced the price of Global Warming...
By the time we got to my stop, the rain had stopped and the risk of flash-floods had greatly subsided. In less than thirty minutes. But it was way after nine! Luckily I'm currently in a lax department. Nobody raised an eyebrow.
I tried not to think about what's-his-face but my crappy morning had spun me straight into a messed up mood, compounded by his stubbornness and lack of compassion! So I was hella sad especially when I was recounting last night's events to 'Rihanna'. Oh, I think it's officially over between Lover and me. We haven't communicated all week basically. So I'm pretty much single, for real, for real. Maybe Shorty trippin is a good thing... I can get my focus back. Men are stoopid! I've decided! Here I am... Fighting love again... Oh well... I'll be fine. This isn't a first. Men BEEN stoopid. The next one just better be less stoopid!
Wednesday, 18 March 2009
Day 44-45: Part2 - Sunshine promises rain...
Tuesday was the big day and before I knew it, I had to start heading off to Hyde Park. One of my BFF's who had actually suggested me for the job, to the powers that be, called to check on my state on mind. She also mentioned one possible obstacle. My lack of mobility. It wasn't til she mentioned that, that my proposal lost its lustre and appeal. And I left, near complete deflation.
Once in the boardroom, the HR chic was in another meeting and thus couldn't be part of the panel. SCORE! And I was with some familiar friendly faces... Gotta love the sling! And my charm... Lol... Who am I kidding... My legs had adopted a life of their own... Shaking uncontrollably... But really, it went well... And from what I heard, they are looking for someone just like me... That lives the brand and is looking to forge relationships...
My life's about to get complicated... I think... But what's new!? I mean, I hate to count my chickens before they hatch but really....
Ok... Once back at the Zone, I head to Clicks for my flu shot. The nurse was a lil peculiar. She took the injection out the packaging and then started looking for some document. Meanwhile the naked needle is hazardedly pointed up. This went on for a good 5 minutes and I started to wonder about its hygiene. She must've read my mind coz she mentioned how she was still recovering from a car accident which would explain her rather odd behaviour. I was relieved?! Not even. But then she stuck the needle in and it was over. The quick band-aid rip-off trick. I got my free supply of vitamin C and as I was about to leave, she mentioned family-planning. First consult for 50 bucks... Um, thanx... I swear this woman is psychic!
Back at the office, music department, still not bumping. I was not missed. We did a recording for the teaser campaign with the official voice. Twas dope to hear some of my liners come to life.
As we came out the studio, at about 2pm, I see that Shorty is around. I decide to white-flag it and go say hi. And the butterflies zinged with energy as he hugged me and his hand lingered on my lower back. ST! ST! ST! Now there's a reason to stick around....
We duked it out. Cleared the air. He didn't come through coz he had to clean his sneakers. How disconcerting. I said as much. Furthermore, brightspark had forgotten about our date.... Disturbia...
But after I had made myself heard, I let it go. Coz he makes me feel that good... Without even tryin... I'm sucha pushover! If I didn't know better, I'd say I was whipped... Despite the crap that people are saying about him... Not that I'm discounting it... I really dunno who to trust but what I know for sure is what I feel for him... And how he makes me glow... So for now, illogically enough, everybody else can kiss my ass! Like the song says.... SO WHAT!?
The drive to the State Theatre took forever so we arrived late. They wouldn't let us in and he took it quite badly. The good thing is that we spent the time in traffic talking and I even told him about Lover. But wait for it... He already knew... Somebody who I thought was a friend, beat me to it, despite being aware that I was reluctantly planning on doing exactly that, on Saturday already. She also told him that he should stay away from me coz I'm hectic! What!? Our theory is that she feelin him! Well, join the queue Heffa! Needless to say that I ain't talkin to her as much anymore. But I ain't gonna confront her... Funny, she's the one that was advising me to stay away from him. What? Did she think we don't talk!? Stoopid girl!
He was still hella shocked by my confirmation of the Lover story so I'm glad I could clear it up... After being bounced from the theatre, we decided to head to Hatfield which was packed on a Tuesday night!? What kind?! So we found no parking and headed to Brooklyn. It started to rain. Co-fi was empty and I thought it a good idea to drink something on an empty stomach... Needless to say T-Pain started singing 'Tipsy'... Luda belted out 'One More Drink' and Jamie and I 'Blamed it' on the alcohol as I embarrassingly pulled in for a kiss only to be met with a big fat no entry sign. The date turned awkward right there.... Me and my stupid urges.... I was so embarrassed. And when he dropped me off, we discussed it. He likes to digest while I like to do. We are hella different. I'm not used to this...
Oh, he also figures that our butterflies are only different in the sense that, if we got a chance to be alone, we'd go buckwild... Lol... How comforting... It's his birthday next week... So who knows...
It must be criminal to write so much about a nigga but I'm enjoying getting to know him so much that I gots to share... Hopefully, the next post won't be so obsessive... Hopefully, the next date won't get rained out...
P.s. How dope is it that we have yet to kiss? No thanx to me. But nevertheless the case... By now, I've already jumped a nigga.... Not that I haven't tried-Lol! But you know what I mean!
Day 44-45: Part1 - Rain promises a Rainbow...
Monday was anything but a good day. I missed the direct taxi to Rosebank and only just made it to the lecture which turned out to be yet another self-indulgent, long-winded artist-based flick from the 80s. This time we were treated to the majesty that is Prince and the artistic joke that is Purple Rain the movie. Another artist that thought he could act so he called up all his out-of-work, non-actor friends to hooked them up with paying gigs. As much as I delight in some charity, I was anything but delighted to be put through 90 minutes of that. And to top it all off... My all time favourite Prince song, 'Diamonds and Pearls' was not showcased in the movie. So I sat through that huffin n puffin for no climax....
So my morning was fucked! The weather was deteriorating fast. Fortunately, I was dressed for it with my sandals and peddle-pushers... Cute but not during chilly, cloudy temperatures! The music department was far from buzzing. And just when I thought things were picking up, it started to pour. Inside and out. The weather and the person. A good idea went horribly wrong.
There I was conversing with the Programming guy and my pending job interview came up which resulted im him listening to some of my radio links from my Top Stereo days. Granted, it wasn't great radio but it was what it was. And boy, was he unimpressed. My heart bled. Little did I know that it literally was bleeding out.... Red Robot! Once I had managed to tear myself from that office, I finally realised that Day One of a different kind had begun. Two types of emotions... I'm not pregnant- Yay! Babies are instant career killers! And oh, no wonder I been feeling like shit- Aaaaah [insert pout here].
The only thing that kept my spirit up was that Shorty was gonna come through and I'd be able to see his glow and unload on him. But it was already getting late and I was hella anxious already. Interview tomorrow. Right decision even?! All these damn questions... So to pass the time, I logged on to net, hustling for SA Blog Awards nominations... Then the email came in... That messed up my day... One simple, innocent request from my side, unleashed a tyrant from a highly sensitive stranger. 'not even a greeting. Is that the way to speak to a stranger?' she asked. Now this is
was the final straw!? So I picked up the phone and attempted to make my intentions clear. My mom assured me that I had every right to ask questions and I figured Miss Thang must be having a Day One of her own...
Shorty was MIA well into my bedtime, while I was preparing my Presentation... Needless to say that after my wack day, I was about to blow. I may have been slightly afraid of a confrontation but I knew that it had to come to a head, sometime...
In his text, he mentioned having thoughts of me and how sorry he is for not coming through today. Something came up. I, in turn, told him he sucked and that I was having the worst day and I had been looking forward to seeing him but because of my state it was probably a bad idea to see him coz I was feelin so needy earlier. You see... A guilt trip and independent woman tip in one text! Hella smart! He replied with 'I'm sorry about that'... That's when I flipped... I flatly stated how I really dunno why he bothers coz he clearly don't care. That's when he asked what's wrong and I said I'm tired of feeling like I'm chasing (coz it ain't my steez) and I'm about ready to walk. He insisted that I stick around coz it will be worth the wait. I just gotta be patient with him coz he's just scared and stuff.
In my highly irrational and emotional state, all I thought was 'wank, wank'... What wack excuses and I told him, it's no reason to stay. He didn't reply. And I was left wondering if I still had a date to FOREPLAY'S premiere, the following night with Ne-yo's Mad in the background....
I slugged through my proposal and went to bed for a measly five hours of sleep, feeling hella accomplished in the career department but hella stoopid in the romance department....... My heart was hella sore but my head was hella content... Can't win them all...
Tuesday, 17 February 2009
Day 15 - 17: oh fiddlesticks... what's happening...
End of the second day of my second fortnight in the PRODUCTION. Ironically, things aren't quite productive. I'm freakin out a lil at the concept of not doing much. Lil to no efficiency is making me a lil to hella nervous.
Plus I'm facing mountains of distraction, now that I have sorta settled in. One or two cuties are messing with my focus. So more nerves. Plus I'm studying in order to meet a month-end assignment. Many more nerves. Mm... afterthought.... I have plenty to do... So what was all of that about....
Ok ok... I'm just scared that I may be losing the focus that I so desperately wanted to achieve. And for what?!
[insert frustrated, blood curdling scream here]
now this is discontent/disconnect anxiety!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)