Day 47 - 88 : Three Words...I Got You...

Often when I take forever to blog about whatever..its cos, I'm a lil outta sorts... I dunno what to say.. before it would be because I really was in two worlds about my feelings for Cutie.. and now... I'm just really overwhelmed.. and at the risk of repeating myself and gushing about how good he makes me feel... I decided to chill on the blogging...twas feeling hella gay...and OTT..and surreal...

But I love to write so I feel bad when I don't... especially coz I missed my bday.. .and the big move to Joburg...yes, I moved out my mom's crib.. I'm officially independent...except I gots no furniture and I feel like I be living in a cave.. seriously, it echoes when I'm on the phone..that's how quiet and hollow it is.. lol...

Back to the blog title... sometimes or even all the time... life seems to steer you in a certain direction...you see, hear things that I believe are meant to open your eyes or even make you aware of a different or even current perspective that you may not be acknowledging as well as you should...

goodness..that's sounds hella confusing... what I'm tryna say is...

There's a reason why the thought of Cutie makes my eyes water and that it scares me so much... there's a reason why he still makes me nervous and that I'd do anything to impress him.. there's a reason why I'm so overwhelmed and so in love...even though we're nine months deep... and I may not get all these reasons...

But the universe does and because I'm aching for answers..and well, sometimes, answers dont literally rain down from heaven... they come in soft, lil messages... and here we are... dissecting those...

I'm currently reading a book called "Committed" by the same chick that wrote "Eat, Pray, Love"... it's proving to be hella eye-opening... as it tackles the concept of marriage from the point of view of a heavy cynic who's also a divorcee...

so it's addressing all the questions I had...and all the doubts that I hadn't even managed to put into words... now that's a blog for another day...

not to long ago...we saw Dear John... Channing Tatum's latest flick about love during war times... yet another sob story for another day... i cried right through the movie as I recounted all the similarities between this work of fiction and our lives...

in this flick... the leading couple fall in love, basically at first sight (just like us)... it takes the guy a while to truly open up and be comfortable round the girl(just like Cutie)... the girl is close friends with a guy with an autistic kid (my brother also has development issues, although not as hectic as autism)... she sacrificed her happiness to help out her friend by marrying him when he got cancer so that his son would be looked after (For the longest time, Cutie was dealing with his ex gf, M and her unemployment situation and family problems... even though he wanted to break up with her, he wouldn't allow himself to "abandon" her...) The guy has to go way to war, a reference is made to a year (Cutie is going away for a year)... she wants to be a teacher to young kids (i'm a Sunday school teacher-liove kids!)...they send eachother love-letters (Cutie and I email/text all the time...)..they never said goodbye-it was always "see ya later" or something liek that (Cutie and I, always say later..i hate goodbyes!)...he shared things with her that he had never shared with anybody else and vice-versa (same with us, he's like my BFF lol)...they wanted to get married and have kids... (ditto!)

*tearing up*

Then there's the blog title... sometimes when you're in love, songs speak to you... in this instance Leona Lewis' new single "I Got You" took me, shook me and screamed at me...

The reason being that the three words that Cutie loves to use when he's saying goodbye are exactly that... he'll say 'I got chu neh..." and I'll smile completely reassured that he got me...

and now that he's about to go on his sabbatical... from everything including me... (oh gosh! sorry...yet another story for another day) Leona Lewis' words are even that much more heart-rending...

'Cause this is love and life
And nothing we can both control
(I got you)
And if it don't feel right
You're not losing me by letting me know
(I got you)

Go ahead and say goodbye
(Say goodbye)
I'll be alright

Go ahead and make me cry
I'll be alright
And when you need a place to run to
For better, for worse, I got you

so here I am, trying not to try... well, slightly comforted by the words to this song..coz really its ok..coz whatever happens.. I got him too...

and then there are times when I feel like I dont deserve him in my life... like its way too much good fortune..like Joss Stone put it.. I'm feel spoiled... cant even imagine my life without him... can't deal with him being away... just wanna get started on forever...

I'm spoiled
By your love boy
No matter how I try to change my mind
What's the point it's just a waste of time
I'm spoiled by your touch boy
The love you give is just too hard to fight
Don't want to live without you in my life
I'm spoiled

I tried to tell myself that I'd be over you in a week or two
But baby that was 'bout a year ago
I've never seen the word love so personified as I do with you
And that is why I just can't let go, oh no



Spoil me

And I would only be fooling myself if I tried to
Believe there's room for someone else in my heart
There ain't no way I'm getting over you
I don't know what I've been trying to prove
I'm hopeless, helpless when it comes to you

Day 41 - 46: Blog Challenge - Ten Things I Love about You

As you know, I've been threatening to complete this blog challenge for the past few weeks now... It took forever because I figured I couldn't do it in a hurry... Coz this is very close to my heart... well, today, right this moment, I've decided that everything can wait...


I walked in this morning to find a bunch of red roses and a box of chocolates on my desk..no card...no clue... I was genuinely surprised and my Monday was no longer blue... Cutie wasn't even on my radar coz in the run up to the Valentine's Day weekend, he was adamant about "not believing" in Vday...

So imagine my shock when I called him and he admitted that he was behind the lovely surprise on my desk... so here I am... completely and utterly keen to do this...coz I have one more very big thing to add to this list....

...10 things I love about Cutie... to Cutie...

1. I love your smile... so I make a point of making you smile/laugh all the time... coz you're so beautiful when you're doing it... I love contributing to your happiness...
2. I love the way you hold me close and send butterflies all over my body... every single time. I could never tire of holding your hand....
3. I love the way you kiss me... so gently and genuinely... and tenderly... I swear my lips were made for yours...
4. I love the way you are so caring and considerate..pretty much the exact opposite of me...you've made me want to be a better person... I wanna measure up to you...
5. I love the way you love your family...especially your sisters and mother... it's hella comforting...
6. I love the way you love your lil nephew... I love kids...um..I'll leave it there...
7. I love the way that you're able to stand up to me..balls of steel...what a MAN!
8. I love how childish you can be...completely idiotic..
9. I love the way you can be in the moment...
10. I love your desire to be bigger, better, bolder..the good way..via hardwork and such... it's motivating....
11. I love the way you always got my back, you never put me down.. you're so gentle and kind...
12. I love your sheer sexiness..omg! Nuff said!
13. I love the way you get all shy about your good looks… and compliments in general…
14. I love all of you! from your bitten finger-nails to your Denzel Washington 'fro..wouldn't change you for nothing...even though you look ten-times hotter clean cut (and who thought that was possible)
15. I love how you've accepted me for being brash, rude, cold and just wack at times..and you love me still...
16. I love how you'll pay attention and take my opinion in and still disagree with me..lol...
17. I love it when you say exactly what I'm thinking and vice-versa... or better yet, we'll say the same thing at the same time...
18. I love it when you call me/text me... at the same time as me or just as I was about to do it...
19. I love how you'll check on me and ask "u ok"?
20. I love how I can tell when something is bugging you..and then I'll have to basically drag the truth out of you..and then once you've told me... you'll feel slightly better..
21. I love being there for you...
22. I love you for letting me in...
23. I love that you still make me nervous... and gimme butterflies..after nearly a year...
24. I love that I love you more today then I ever did... and it just keeps growing...
25. I love looking into your eyes..and feeling the love...
26. I love thinking about you..and feeling the glow...
27. I love your daily texts/calls/mails...
28. I love that I don’t think that I deserve you..and the daily incredulity that surrounds the concept of “us”…
29. I love the fact that you know how to keep surprises... I could learn that too...
30. I love the way you say "I love You"..when I least expect it..when you mean it most..

so that wasn't quite ten..times that by three in fact.. and I'm sure there's much more..but for now...I'll leave it there... coz my insides feel like they've just mushed into one big potjie kos..gross...lol

Day 25 - 27: Blog Challenge- Home is where the Heart is...

I've been meaning to do a Blog Challenge coz I'm hella sick of writing about my train-smash of a love-life. And I'm sure my followers (if they're still reading this drivel)are keen to see some variety in the new year. I missed the "Back at School" one which I really wanted to do but as usual procrastination got the best of me... and by the time I knew it, another Blog Challenge email had hit my inbox and I didn't get around to that one either...

The vicious cycle stops today.. in fact I blame my never-ending to-do (of things I never get to do) list on my Joburg mentality.

Yes, on the surface, Jozi comes across as the city of dreams where ambitions become reality... but truth is, this is the one place that is crawling with distractions. From meetings to events to lunch to movies to art galleries to fkin Gold Reef City (does anybody still go there ??!!!)

I'm a Pretoria girl at heart even though I basically spend all day in Jozi at work (and four hours on the highway in traffic).

I remember when we first arrived in Pretoria, I never thought we'd ever get around without getting lost. Especially in the CBD! And now , I'm so fond of Cap City Rap City because not only did I fall in love with hip hop over there, I also grew up there. Memories for dayssss.... especially in my green maid's outfit aka the Pretoria High School for Girls summer uniform. Plus how beautiful is it when Spring has bloomed and the Jacaranda flowers have brightened up the streets... It's so picturesque that you can't help but forget about the mess they make under your shoes...

I'm also in love, absolutely in love with Cape Town, Port Elizabeth, Durban... I just love the South African coastline. It smells different down there..sweeter, kinder, refreshing...

But there's only one city that I dream of visiting all the time despite the terrorist threats...my passion and sheer need to visit New York could possibly just be the result of some clever marketing.. either way I'm sold...

Jay-Z and Alicia Keys have cemented my "Empire State of Mind".

Day 01 - 05 : 2010- The Year of the Hustler

I realise that as per 2008, I let my life become my work during the second half of last year. I almost cared too much. Don't get me wrong.. I have learnt soooo much about TV production in the past six months and I'm at a place that I had not even dreamt of - both behind and in front of the camera... But that came at a price. Not that I regret it much I mostly regret not documenting that journey...

But even if I had had the time to do so... I doubt I would've been able to capture it the way I would have preferred to. Simply because my mind has been on Cutie 24/7 when it was not on work. Even when I was supposed to be working, I found myself drifting. Fortunately I also learned how to use work to get my mind of the drama of Kp and Cutie.


Well,that never-ending love-story may has finally had its curtain-call. It may not be the final one but it will probably be a while til Cutie and I are back on-stage together again. The last couple of weeks saw us fall soooo madly in love. In reality, we had always been in love but this time we admitted to ourselves out loud! It was so good! But then reality came a knocking and our fairy-tale was dashed by him insisting that he needs a year to get away from all the drama. All of it.Including me.

And as much as I wanted to be part of the solution, truth is I am very much apart of his drama-infested life. Granted I was the best part but he needs the space. And as much as I keep crying, I know it's only right that he finds himself without me clogging his mind-space. Coz I only want his happiness... Happiness with me would be a bonus.. but he's such an awesome person, he deserves to find it... like they often say.. it's gonna get much worse before it gets much better...

In his head, we'll reunite and be able to fully be together in a year's time... I'm not so sure. Coz working on a daily live celebrity show has taught me that a year is a long time. Each day is so hectic in TV-land that it feels like an entire week! Anyway, I've let him go.. I'm letting him go..civilly with his best interests at heart..it's not like I had a choice.. he's hella determined...so I'ma let him d it and see what happens..if anything, he'll realise how much he misses me. So I'ma give him the space to ache with the feeling of "need"! Lol! Seriously! He actually had the audacity to say that he hopes that I won't hook up with a random in order to get over this. I was like but dude, it's the easiest way...


Anyway.. so now I'm tryna figure how I'll keep my mind off him during the next 365 days... coz when I wasn't working, I was working him..lol..so now what?! I need a fierce distraction! Dr Phil would suggest sitting in my bad feelings til I have resolved them. Sure! What fun! Let's do exactly that! What don't kill you, only makes you stronger, right?


I have major plans for this year so that should keep me busy... and everytime I wanna holla at him, I'll be sure to do sit-ups instead! I wanna give radio another shot... take tV to another level.. push the KMS brand..get my dam drivers license..get my own crib ie move out.... it's gonna be major... and oh yes... get over Cutie!

Day 298-304: Where Do Palpitating Hearts Go? Part I

The other day (Monday I think), my supervisor who is a lil loony walked in and said that she had a dream or nightmare that I walked into work and complained that I was anxious. The way she told the story, you could tell that she woke up in a state. To top it all off, she alluded to being right when she has "dreams" like that. I was a lil freaked but mostly dismissive coz she's so damn dramatic so I take her declarations with a pinch of salt coz they so damn laughable. It was rather absurd coz I was feeling so good, so good, so good, so good... Cutie and I were working through some thangs... I was feelin positive about my goals and the new week... I had a good rest over the weekend and my kids' Nativity play had gone very well. I was, for the lack of a better word, "happy". And mind you- I hate to just throw that word around... I guess right now, that feeling was the closest thing to happy compared to the way I'm feeling now.

Not even two days later, here I am. ANXIOUS as fk.

I've told lots of stories about Cutie's deceit before. So I'm hella embarrassed and humiliated to be here again after I had mistakenly thought that we were making progress. I was even thinking that maybe LOVE has to hurt so that you can tell how good it feels. It's like sunshine after a long bout of chilly rain. You ache for it to tingle all over your body...

Well, Cutie has been going through some things as far as his ex-gf is concerned. Lets call her M. She is apparently in a very bad space, complete with a unsupportive family, bad health and no job. The way he explained it is that even though he was over it, he felt that he couldn't just abandon her the same way that all her other tertiary buddies had. Now it takes a strong woman to be ok with the guy she digs playing Nurse to his ex. Even I couldn't deal with it but I dealt with it. I even asked to meet her. This has yet to happen. And after revelations from seven hours ago, I doubt it ever will.

So Cutie had taken M to the doc to get checked out. No medical aid means hefty private health bills so I contributed a lil something something. Despite his mild objections, he took the money and saw the doc yesterday. When he returned, he showed me some of the meds. And now that I've thought about it, when I look at the pills, I naturally checked the name on the slip, half-expecting it to say M's first name but instead it was a long-ass African name... N. I thought maybe she signed up with her real name, not her slave name so I let i go but the whole time as he was narrating the doctor's appointment, I felt that he wasn't telling me something. Just a hunch. And I said as much. He denied. I asked repeatedly and eventually just blamed it on paranoia.
Even though, I know better. My ex-flame from two years ago, who, ironically enough, has been hollering at me recently... Well, he used to say "paranoia is also instinct". I didn't get then but now I do but as I've said before, instinct is only proven after the fact...

While Cutie and I were talking and making out, my fears about M sorta disappeared. Coz he was with me, I guess. Well, during the kissing, I got all emotional and for the life of me, I couldn't understand why I was on the verge of tears... And neither could he...

I figured it out during the ride home... All that I wanted seemed like it was finally coming together... It seemed like a certain reality that we'd end up together like normal folk coz he was even talking about cutting ties with M. He said it would be "the right thing to do" even though it would hurt her. I didn't quite understand. Now I sorta do.


But back to that in a sec... My emotional moment came from me being scared of being hurt again by him coz I could feel myself fallin harder n harder. I explained that to him and apologised profusely for my girly-pants attitude... He said it's ok... I'm an awesome person. Naturally.

When we spoke today, he said that he had dropped off M's pills last night and she was coming along nicely. Relief. My show didn't go too well coz my presenter failed to pitch and had to be replaced withing five minutes to air... So imagine my sheer disappointment. Cutie tried to perk me up. And he did. Just the sight of him achieved exactly that.

Until all hell broke loose...

Day 194 - 230: Part Two....

I can't possibly have to go through meeting another dude, get excited, take the financial and emotional time to learn what he's all about, take all the necessary precautions to try to not to fall too quickly, end up fallin' anyway and be left alone picking up the pieces.

Can I just settle down already? Please? I'm tired of playing love games. I'm ready to just love and chill out a sec. Safe in the arms of love. I know this is cheesy as fuck but it's true.

Maybe that's too much pressure for Cutie. I dunno then why the fuck did we meet and connect? Why can't I stop thinking about him? Why can't we stay away from each other? Why?

Why is it that he is able to send me an emails saying that I'm always on his mind? That he misses me. How come he told me he loves me? That he loves to be around me? That when I cried about us, he cried too? Why is it that- if he's only gonna turn around and break my heart even when I'm willing to wait!? I don't understand! How can I hate him when I love him? One half of him at least. The half that understands but is clearly not willing to fight the other dude's bullshit.

This breaks my heart over and over coz I know he feels what I feel but he almost reminds me of when I had just started therapy and a recurring theme was my subconscious belief that I deserved no happiness. That I had to carry the worries of my parents, especially my mom. Cutie does that with his family and I'm no professional psychologist so I have no clue how to get through to him.

Plus how am I to know that that is truly the issue here? That he needs me to help him through it... Does he even want my help or am I jus being a pushy know-it-all. Dunno. I jus wanna run away at this point and forget that he ever existed or mattered.

Day 194 - 230: Part One...

Yet another month without a blog. I'm tired of making excuses for not regularly posting stuff and I'm sure you're tired of hearing it. I'll tell you this much however... Many people have been able to figure who's who behind some of my cleverly crafted pseudonyms so as much as I would love to share, it's hella difficult to do so which makes blogging a drag even when I do have time... Which is never! I find pleasure in writing with no holds barred... It's absolute freedom especially coz my life is an absolute circus but as much as I'd love to share, I can't risk the wrong people knowing too much about me or those that I innocently mention in this space. That wouldn't be fair to them or their/my hard work and endeavours. Nevertheless here goes...

Just this Friday, I found out that Cutie was busy exchanging "I miss you's" with some chic during the first month of our thing. He would also hang with her and such. I asked him about it and he said that they're just friends, been friends since high school and even though she been feelin' him, he told her, he ain't keen to go down that road with her coz of his long list of never-ending issues....

You see, there are a few things that I don't get about this nigga and because I have trouble saying what I need to say face to face ie all of these epiphanies hit me whenever he's not around, I've decided to try figure it out here. I'ma compare his two egos. Coz I almost feel that he may have some MPD situation going on.

As much as my pride hates to admit, there's a part of Cutie that lights me up from the inside out. It's ten times more lethal than the lust he makes me feel. It's the way a best friend makes you feel. That complete and utter happiness. I love to see him smile. I love making him laugh. So this side of him makes me wanna be around him all day. And we don't even have to talk. We can jus be. Watch the sky. Hold hands. Make out. Watch a movie. I remember when we first met, there was this insane electrical energy between us and when we held hands, when we kissed- sparks flew. In extreme circumstances, our eyes would meet and I would feel it too.

In the past three months that I've known him, another side has come out. A side that almost tries to kill his/our pursuit of happiness. It's the side that pushes me away. The side that tells me it doesn't wanna be with me. It's the side that's quite content to walk away.

So I do what any Miss Independent would do... I pack and I prepare to leave and everytime I'm near the door, the good side reaches out to me and begs me to stay in not so many words but actions. Maybe I see what I wanna see, I dunno but I'll try keep some distance between us and he'll come find me for some random conversations about life.

Now when you care about somebody, it goes against every fibre of your being to tell them to 'fuck off'. The last thing you wanna do is tell them to take a hike coz the reality is that you want them near. So instead of listening to logic, I'd allow him in again and when it was time to discuss us, he would push me away and gimme all these reasons why we shouldn't be together. Meanwhile I have a blogful of reasons why we must try. But he wouldn't hear it. His evil side always vetoed his inner conflicts despite my tears. Despite my pleading, my reasoning, my sex... Lol. It was all in vain and jus when I thought I can't keep doing this, I found out that he felt that I should wait for him to get his mind right.

Before, that had never even been featured as an option. Until he said that if the tables were turned, he would be honoured to wait for me. Who would fuck off after that?! I couldn't. I hadn't even been able to begin to follow through so I took a plunge in the deep end, drew some inspiration from Sade's words as she sang...
I still really really love you
Love is stronger than pride...

This went against my control freak mentality. It's like walking in the dark with all these legitimate but insane questions dizzying my head... Like what if I wait for him and he in the mean time meets somebody else? I've heard of many stories where the chic makes the nigga a better person but he goes and shares his new self with his new chic... How's that for a thank you very much?

I realise that life has no guarantees. I try to live day to day. I try to share that philosophy with him but he can't stop living in the past and even the future. So the present is fucked. And unfortunately that's where I am so we can't manage to see eye-to-eye.

There's a part of me... The logical, prudent side I guess... That is certain that I must just cut my losses and hit the road. This side reckons I'm being used and I should stop thinking about his feelings and consider the damage I'm causing to myself instead by constantly giving him a chance to reject me and hurt me over and over again.

Not even friends do that. And you're willing to wait?! Seriously! Girl wake the fuck up!

I can explain. A fairytale beginning can't possibly have sucha shitty ending. can it?!

Day 48-49: Con-FUSS-ed!

Saturday was dedicated to my 'adopted' lil sis. Double score coz it would get my mind off Shorty. Especially coz she's in the middle of a pregnancy scare and we needed to get her checked. Also, needed to catch up... It's been a minute since I saw her and telephonic chats just ain't the same. Last time I saw her, she was a virgin... Now she's late. I'm not the best big sister I guess but now that things are a lil more chilled, I'ma be there especially now that she's nearly done with high school and she's tryna figure out where to go, what to do.

During the conversation, after the pregnancy tests, we discussed her PUSHER bf and how patient she has to be with him when he doesn't call because he apparently has family issues. She reckons that I should be more patient with Shorty coz I never know what's going on with him, that's got him all quiet. Imagine! This 17 year-old child giving me advice. Talk about role reversal. I WAS LESS THAN IMPRESSED TO BE TOLD, for all intensive purposes, to chase after a triflin nigga! Those six words flooding my mind, 'HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU!'... My heart hoped that the opposite was true so that I wouldn't have to start building that bridge...

I put my pride to the side... With Sade (Love is Stronger than Pride) in the background and lil one urging me on... I called him, absolutely certain that a verbal altercation would ensue... Apparently, I was so freaked that I was shaking... However, he was in high spirits, heading to the bank. 'But it's closed,' he moaned... Well duh, it's after twelve on a Saturday, Sparky!

Ok... Good news... We talking about everyday stuff... Bad news... We talking as though things been normal since Thursday... So I broke the ice by saying just how suprised I am that he's cool coz he's been giving me the silent treatment. He in turn, mentioned his phantom text from Thursday night which he says was sent at the same time that mine came in. He even thought that my text was a replying to his.

The double texting must have screwed with the matrix coz I never got his text. Which is hella sucky coz I've been hating him for two days. Imagine if I hadn't heeded the counsel of a teenager.... He resent the text which contained an apology for being 'an idiot', he just doesn't feel like company when he is pissed! He also aired some grievances. He feels like 'I want him to do things that I want him to do'! I really don't get that so I'm gonna ask when I see him... But I guess I gotta cool it on the Miss Independent tip.... So I'ma compromise... I'm glad that we sorted stuff out coz I'm keen to spoil him for his birthday, which is in a week. Who knows, I might even get a kiss out of it... Actually, at this rate, I'll be lucky to get a handshake...

Day 40: Girl feelin boy...

It's not everyday that I feel like The Bachelorette.... Much of the time, my various unplanned engagements with unavailable men has left me feeling like the desperate-for-love/damsel-in-distress but hella fiesty type that realises too late that she can't play Miss Independent and be one of the hopelessly needy contestants that are fallin for The Bachelor . Sometimes it hits you in a rush... Sometimes in waves... Either way you will cry...

Now feelin like the Bachelorette, that feels hella better. Coz you are the wanted NOT the wantee. Be the flame NOT the moths. The only bummer is that you don't know what's true and what's not. Does mr X really dig me or is he merely digging the thought of a challenge?

So Shorty is back in the picture with more swag than I can handle while Lover and I have painstakingly decided to cut our losses. While Footsie-Footsie dude omitted to tell me about his girlfriend. So Friday movies ain't happening.
I'm still pretty excited about Shorty despite my dismissive attitude following his 'lack of interest'. In fact, I get some mild heart-burn when I'm around him. Which isn't necessarily S.T... More butterflies... The innocent type that makes it feel like your insides are floating. It's nice... For the lack of a better word. When I compare it to the way Lover makes me feel.... Now that's S.T... On another level... The butterflies are electrocuted by the sheer electric chemisty between us. So that's the difference. Honestly, the S.T seems to lack the longevity, not that I would wish a swift death on my feelings for Lover. Jus sayin though...

Day 37-39: Get up and Go!

There aren't many things in this world that are truly inspiring and motivating. As I get older, more cynical, jaded and hella clued up, I realise that it takes quite a bit to move me. Which sets the bar really high for the usual entertainment-worthy stuff like tv shows, movies, music and of cause the opposite sex. My family and church, on the other hand, manage to do so without much effort while the other catagories pretty much struggle to make me sit up and take notice.

Let's begin with the opposite sex. Because of a little thing called Oepidus Complex, any significant liasion has been at the hands of a chocolate-skinned, tallish, handsome nigga with an air of arrogance and smoker's breathe. He don't give a rat's ass and can articulate as much. Humorous and engaging. Great smile with awesome teeth. Good vibes. Brush cut. He also only really becomes emotional around me. And makes me feel like an eight year old girl, believes in me and makes me believe it. That's my DAD. Summed up.

That's a grand order for any man. Nevermind one that has spent much time in the sun. If he's lucky I'll settle but then I'll be out before the four months are through so settling really does nobody any favours. (four months = my longest relationship period).

Truth is I probably painted a madd idealic picture of The One (HE/SHE lies within by the way). But wait... there's more... He must be honest, ambitious, self-sufficient and most importantly, God-fearing. Spit facts, hustle, go after your dreams and have a lil faith... Faitha faitha faitha.... My list is not all that impossible coz I have met guys that fit most of the bill. Finding a cutie who checks out the whole list, now that's the tricky part. And chances are, he'll only live in my son for now. [speaking of offspring, my cousin gave birth over the week. Which probably explains the dream. Hopefully. Such a premonition would suck.]


Lover comes madd close, I must say. So close, I'm thinking how will I ever get over him? Especially after today. Thankfully, of late, everytime I meet a new guy, he is that much closer to what I'd like to see in my man. So I'm keen to see what the future holds in that department. Well not right now, in a few months time.

Day 31-36: Three's a crowd... Four's jus down right insane!

There are various ways to get over someone. And I think that in the past week I may have exhausted all avenues. Think of a TV game... Let's say Tekken 3... The only game, I've ever really enjoyed playing. Mostly coz I had the biggest crush on the karate kid with the thick red hair and killer abs. His name started with an H and he also rode a motorbike, decked out in tight near gay fitting leather... I know, it's strange, diggin on a computer generated being. But honestly, I hope there's a man out there that looks like that...even a slight resemblance would do. Ok I know... Not the point of this post but one more thing... Wasn't Eddy super suave with his smooth Brazilian ass kickin... Still attracted to his digital sex appeal... And then there's the female him with a slammin body and the hottest tits and naughty smile... Lol wow I'm like a step away from being a Pottin Trekie!

Back to my point... Think of a TV game... Actually Tekken was a bad example but you got to see my perverted side so not a complete waste of time. Think of Donkey Kong... You were steadedly making your way through the stages, with all three lives still in play, only to get to a part in the game with a tricky set up and you end up losing your lives in quick succession. GAME OVER! And no, you don't have a memory card. So you gotta start over.

Getting back to the premise, I figure I may have gone into overdrive too fast too soon in an attempt to purge myself of Lover, after Monday's flooding.

The plan for Tuesday, day 32, was to draw on the get-up-and-go attitude of early Monday morning, before being unceremoniously dumped. Of cos, this was bound to fail coz Lover was to stop by during the day. I was nervous and wondering anxiously if our spark still existed. I figured, if it was dead then I could move on quicker now that the tears have been taken care of. If the opposite was true, then I foresaw more tearful episodes in the future. Not a fan of the latter so with a heavy heart, I hoped for the former. And that's when I sub-consciously started building the walls. I couldn't even just talk to him like I used to. That sucked coz our connection is much more than a two week fling that died of cardiac arrest. So that hurt and without even realising it, I began to plaster the very walls I was building... He was high, tryna cope. I was fighting back tears, tryna perk up.

At the end of it, I handed over my gift- Estelle's Shine 'I SHINE, YOU SHINE, WE SHINE TOGETHER'... more like, 'I CRY, YOU CRY, WE CRY TOGETHER'....and hoped that it was over but not...

I know what I want but it's way too beautiful to be nurtured in a deceitful space and for that reason, the walls went up well into the end of the week. By Friday, I was focussing on work and trying not to think about him or talk about him or even communicate with him all as much in an feeble attempt to build that bridge and get over all of this. But most of all, I was and am determined not to cry. Coz I never wanna return to that place again. Like I told him and as dramatic as it sounds, I thought, I'd die from the heartache. Which is absurd but by day 34, the ultimate way to get over anyone, strolled through the door. Not even my type ie not tall dark and handsome but rather the opposite except for the handsome bit. And a lil chunky but also charming with the cutest smile. Clearly I was sold like any vulnerable person would be. So how many times must I meet somebody else whilst I'm still feeling somebody else. Isn't that merely a transfer of those feelings, from A onto B. Is that legit? Or is that a creative take on the Get-Out-of-Jail free card?

Well, long story short, light-skinned Shorty turned out to be an ass who doesn't look half as interested as im did on Friday or even in the weeks leading up to our official 'I DIGS YOU' talk. His sweet words were all for nought. I have also been flirting up a storm with another half-interested cutie or two so it serves me right. It would be too easy.

So I came clean with Lover about my sheer inability to continue being the other woman. He refuses to let go. Our breaking up on Monday pretty much didn't stick. The plan is to meet up soon. And I'ma stop ordering bags of cement. As for Shorty, he can kiss my sweet behind. And stay away from me coz I ain't tryna curse this week either. Should be hella interesting... I finally sent my demo to some people that work with corporate radio, voice-overs and such... And I'm hoping to start writing soon. I did the show all by myself on Saturday and was not too happy with it. Probably coz I'm hella worried about applying what I've learnt in lectures. Spinning head! RIGHT ROUND! Finally finished my first academic assignment, wish I hadn't spotted but alas... This week, we work hard and work at strengthening my arm. The sling will be coming off in about two weeks. Exciting.

Yesterday, I dreamt I was pregnant... I have a few theories about that... Will unpack those in the next post....