Day 41 - 46: Blog Challenge - Ten Things I Love about You

As you know, I've been threatening to complete this blog challenge for the past few weeks now... It took forever because I figured I couldn't do it in a hurry... Coz this is very close to my heart... well, today, right this moment, I've decided that everything can wait...


I walked in this morning to find a bunch of red roses and a box of chocolates on my desk..no card...no clue... I was genuinely surprised and my Monday was no longer blue... Cutie wasn't even on my radar coz in the run up to the Valentine's Day weekend, he was adamant about "not believing" in Vday...

So imagine my shock when I called him and he admitted that he was behind the lovely surprise on my desk... so here I am... completely and utterly keen to do this...coz I have one more very big thing to add to this list....

...10 things I love about Cutie... to Cutie...

1. I love your smile... so I make a point of making you smile/laugh all the time... coz you're so beautiful when you're doing it... I love contributing to your happiness...
2. I love the way you hold me close and send butterflies all over my body... every single time. I could never tire of holding your hand....
3. I love the way you kiss me... so gently and genuinely... and tenderly... I swear my lips were made for yours...
4. I love the way you are so caring and considerate..pretty much the exact opposite of me...you've made me want to be a better person... I wanna measure up to you...
5. I love the way you love your family...especially your sisters and mother... it's hella comforting...
6. I love the way you love your lil nephew... I love kids...um..I'll leave it there...
7. I love the way that you're able to stand up to me..balls of steel...what a MAN!
8. I love how childish you can be...completely idiotic..
9. I love the way you can be in the moment...
10. I love your desire to be bigger, better, bolder..the good way..via hardwork and such... it's motivating....
11. I love the way you always got my back, you never put me down.. you're so gentle and kind...
12. I love your sheer sexiness..omg! Nuff said!
13. I love the way you get all shy about your good looks… and compliments in general…
14. I love all of you! from your bitten finger-nails to your Denzel Washington 'fro..wouldn't change you for nothing...even though you look ten-times hotter clean cut (and who thought that was possible)
15. I love how you've accepted me for being brash, rude, cold and just wack at times..and you love me still...
16. I love how you'll pay attention and take my opinion in and still disagree with me..lol...
17. I love it when you say exactly what I'm thinking and vice-versa... or better yet, we'll say the same thing at the same time...
18. I love it when you call me/text me... at the same time as me or just as I was about to do it...
19. I love how you'll check on me and ask "u ok"?
20. I love how I can tell when something is bugging you..and then I'll have to basically drag the truth out of you..and then once you've told me... you'll feel slightly better..
21. I love being there for you...
22. I love you for letting me in...
23. I love that you still make me nervous... and gimme butterflies..after nearly a year...
24. I love that I love you more today then I ever did... and it just keeps growing...
25. I love looking into your eyes..and feeling the love...
26. I love thinking about you..and feeling the glow...
27. I love your daily texts/calls/mails...
28. I love that I don’t think that I deserve you..and the daily incredulity that surrounds the concept of “us”…
29. I love the fact that you know how to keep surprises... I could learn that too...
30. I love the way you say "I love You"..when I least expect it..when you mean it most..

so that wasn't quite ten..times that by three in fact.. and I'm sure there's much more..but for now...I'll leave it there... coz my insides feel like they've just mushed into one big potjie kos..gross...lol

Day 131 -138: When It All Falls Down...

I've spoken about those life-(altering)wedgies that come and take you by surprise just when you are beginning to love life. Or at least get into a rhythm.You know those times when everything is going right. You ain't fighting with nobody. Drama is down to a minimum. You've made peace with the stuff that you can't change. You're making major strides in the departments that you can control and on top of it all, you've met a new dude who makes the old dude look like a chump. A chump that didn't deserve your time in the first place. Your favourite song(s) keeps playing (The Dream-Rockin that Thang and Every Girl- Young Money and Drake-Best I Ever Had) and your crush digs you too so much that you can hardly believe your luck. But you don't believe in luck so you can hardly believe your destiny. Complete with an atom-bomb of good vibes, lust and like infused electricity! I call it ZING, he calls it chemistry! OMG... the chemical infusion happening within can't be good for you but it feels sooooo gooood!

And then all of a blue moon, the Script-Writer sends out a DEFCOM 5 [http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Defcon]! '

AY! Don't get too comfortable'

, He warns. It ain't ever that easy. It can't be, at least not for five days straight. And I know that. Well, I should. Perhaps, I was hoping for some sort of pleasant surprise. In fact, at the height of my euphoria, during the weekend, one of my tweets tentatively spoke of how...

I am a lil afraid to admit that I'm kinda sorta loving my life.

Dude! as soon as that tweet had been published, it all fell down. And yesterday, it all be came a lil too real that my life was still far from being the fairytale that I had been living for all but 24 hours. It was everything but. It was just another tear-jerking episode of a cheesy soapie. Or worse still, a reality show. Can't remember the last time I cried this hard. Heavy, soul-shaking, gut-wrenching, ugly sobs that grip at your core. You almost feel as though you could not only bawl forever but that if you weep hard enough, you'll cry out the very cancer that is making you feel so miserable. Almost hurl it up. More like sneeze it out! Not pretty I know. But I feel like this heartache is a thick chunk of black coal sitting at the bottom of my tummy. Pervading my insides.

Life perfect ain't perfect if you dunno what the struggle's for
Fallin' down ain't fallin' down if you don't cry when you hit the floor
It's called the past coz I'm getting past
And I ain't nothing like I was before...
You oughta see me now...
Yes, I was burnt so I call it a lesson learned
Mistake will return so I call it a lesoon learned
my soul has returned so I call it a lesson learned
Another lesson learned...

I guess the pressure had to get to me some time and these past couple of days proved to be the straw that broke the camel's back. From my less-than-impressive radio shows that I've been feeling less than awesome about. There's also my new nine to five which is probably at the single most dynamic production company in the country. Started there last week as a part of the content production team. So amped to be getting paid to be a creative. I get paid to write scripts and come up with ideas. Dude! How dope is that! I also work on scripts. Even though it is an opportunity and a half, I am having trouble working out a feasible timetable that will allow me ample sleep and balance. Man I need a ride!

Speaking of balance, Shorty been 'too busy' for me just when I needed some sort of escape the most, he suggested that we take it slow. If I didn't know better, I would say that he was calling things off without having to say as much. Well, actions speak louder than words and no matter how many times I tried to reach out and have him admit to wanting to end things, he won't talk about it or be man enough to say it's over. But I don't need him to confirm nothing coz one big fat indication is that we don't really see each other anymore. What's worse, I'm subjected to the occasional text. I deserve better. Luckily, I've had soooo much work to do, from the new gig to some freelancing work, that I couldn't quite deal with his stunts. But when I raised these concerns, I was met with a dismissive nonchalance. So I've done my bit really.

And just when I was tryna wrap my head around my drama, I met somebody. Like a week ago. Think Prince Charming in shining armour, (complete with the most delightful smile and the cutest ass. HOT DAMMM!) coming to remind me that life ain't all that excruciating. I'd actually forgotten what real butterflies feel like. And goodness knows that I had missed being really excited about somebody real. Besides Drake who, by the way, I'd totally marry. The mixtape So Far Gone got me through some heavy days. It polished my thick skin and reminded me that it's ok to hurt. Its ok to be disappointed. But that don't mean you should compromise on who you are. Fuck whoever that disagrees with you! Lol! But I digress...

We'll call new dude, Cutie, coz he is hella adorable. And from the moment we laid eyes on each other, I knew that I wanted to get to know him. If anything, it made me think or start to ponder upon the concept of love at first sight. Honestly it had never occurred to me that the notion was even a remote possibility yet there I was, completely engrossed in a stranger even before he had said two words to me. It makes for a dope blog and an even doper wedding story. Lol! You see how this situation had me talking crazy...

Well, those were the ol good days. That's the thing about falling quickly. You make the hurt that much more potent within a shorter period of time. But before we get to the bad part, Cutie and I went on our first and only date on Friday. Twas awesome. I completely immersed myself in this 'Something New'. I forgot Shorty, I forgot the world and I was allowed to be myself for the first time in a long time. And that's the most profound piece of this puzzle. I realise that I was beginning to lose myself by being in a dead-end relationship. Whether I was not really in it to begin with makes no difference because it took up my time, attention and energy, it had an effect whether I was aware of it or not. It was toxic and as much as I wanna deny it, it was killing my spirit and making me feel ashamed that I'm not in the sort of relationship that I would like for myself. I was not allowed to be me.

Dude I almost fell off my chair when Cutie hollered at me to say goodnight on Sunday. Shorty has never bothered to do that. It was such a foreign concept to me that I was completely shell-shocked and that's when it really dawned on me that I allowed myself to be treated like less for a while now.

During my brief time with Cutie, I remembered that I like to hold hands and make out and share and spend time with my significant other. With Shorty, I've had to curb my enthusiasm under the disguise of patience education coz he ain't a fan of PDA. Dude, it got to a point where the relationship was centred around him. And I didn't even realise but I hardly told him of my dreams and ambitions and worse, he never asked. Yeah, I learned to be patient but I also learned how to allow a nigga to run circles around me 101. Too whack. So I'm out. Can't believe I stood for it.

Well, as soon as Cutie had taught me that lesson, he also headed for the nearest exit. By last night, I was near tears as he told me how he didn't feel that he could be emotionally available for me coz he has to deal with his own crazy drama which includes getting over a two year relationship, his fear of being hurt again and the self-healing that he thinks he needs to embark on alone. I couldn't believe my ears. Like don't you feel what I'm feeling. How do you walk away when this is so so so special. And yet, he felt that was what's best. So I let him coz I can't force him. I don't know who to resent for feeling this way. The Script-Writer for making the feelings so strong? Or Cutie for not feeling that he can go the mile with me?

And as Drake asks... Is anything I'm doing Brand New? I wonder if my reaction to the Cutie situation was a lil OTT? Probably. and if so, why was I affected so? Why did I feel it? What's the lesson? I haven't felt like this and had to just shake it off. It's always been a faggot nigga that caused the drama and I always knew better than to pine for him but this is different. Or is it? I dunno anymore.

I guess it is time to try be alone. I think I been avoiding that status for a minute. Nobody wants to be lonely and single especially in the grip of a terrible winter but I know better than to waste my time on whackness just so that I can say that I'm dating somebody. Time to re-focus and re-arm and remember that this is about me. Couplin' would be cool but we will survive. Lol!

I've also been reading soon excerpts from Steve Harvey's Act Like A Lady, Date Like A Man. I've been compromising on my standards. It's so embarrassing to realise that I ain't been acting like the keeper that I be. It's fine. You live, you learn. So let the practicals begin...

And let's try get some stuff right this time...

Day 104-107: Kingdom Come...

A dramatic build up often concludes in an equally undramatic anti-climax! You'll walk away and be on some... That's it?! Really now? Really?! No... Seriously!

Today was a day of firsts... Let's start with my first time hosting the 4AM-5AM slot. Dude! I really thought I would be less nervous which in turn turned out to be my biggest challenge (please note that I didn't say 'difficulty'. I picked that up from a guest lecturer, the other day. It's a mere obstacle... A lil hill...) was my anxiety. Self-inflicted n absolutely self-indulgent... It appears that in those moments, I forgot the teachings from A New Earth and Dr Gary Zukav... Nerves amount to selfish energy because it makes the situation only about you. It's not only about me but also the people listening and being subjected to poor radio because I'm way too self-involved to step out of MY anxiety to give them a decent show... Now I'm feeling like even though I get the above, I've gone from selfish to self-pity... Well, either way, there's no room for egoism! Just Do It!

And that's exactly what I plan on doing on Monday morning when we do it again. Keep it simple and short but pacy n punchy... Like a manly Ryan Seacrest... I wanna say risque stuff and have listeners latching on to my every word. Did I manage that despite my stage fright? I think I did what I could, considering the situation... It's not everyone that can talk about their 'friend' who sucks dick in order to deal with stress... And it's not many people that can be open about their less-than-cool approach.

Another first occurred after the show. Shorty n I hung out at his crib. Not only were we completely alone for the very first time, but we also had some privacy outside the confines of a car or even a corridor or a movie theatre or food outlet or event... Twas crazy surreal for him for me to be in his space... For me, it was the perfect escape from the memory of a not-so-perfect radio show.

I dunno if it was too soon but I knew that we would some time. And that day came... What's meant to be will be... What's meant to happen, did!

So now that we have that out of the way... Let's double up... Lol... Now the trick will be to figure if we gonna stay together despite those typical doubtful feelings that come with the-morning-after-the-night-before...
We actually spoke about it a lil... And it was a lil reminiscent ot the the first time we kissed. When that finally happened, I sorta wished that we had waited because as much as I wanted to do it, I really missed the feeling of anticipation from those previous three weeks.

But isn't that always the case. Feeling as though you shouldn't have done what you did. But you had to do it to prove a point... Whether to cement your feelings or to cultivate further feelings... it's how society has shaped intimacy. You can't claim to be seeing/feeling somebody and you guys don't kiss or beyond. I mean what would set you apart from the next pair of friends if you guys, as a couple, aren't acting on the feelings of lust?

So what makes a relationship? According to FFB, without fucking there is no relationship therefore you might as well be close friends. He rates it solidifies things. I dunno if I concur... I'm pretty sure me and Shorty are more than "close friends" but I dunno how I know... I guess I trust that he ain't sharing the same thoughts with other women. Lol! So now he can't have a female BFF?
[Enter Alicia Keys with 'Grlfriend'... I think I'm jealous of your girl friend...]
If you have somebody that you constantly spend time with but there's no shagging then you guys are either BFFs or BF and GF. What sets that apart????


So I looked up the definition of RELATIONSHIP...

–noun 1. a connection, association, or involvement.
2. connection between persons by blood or marriage.
3. an emotional or other connection between people: the relationship between teachers and students.
4. a sexual involvement; affair.

Clearly the above didn't help...
So I looked it up in the Thesauraus...
And the following jumped at me...

connection, friendship, affinity, bond, hookup...

An affinity... that zing that draws you and keeps you close to another person. Those butterflies that a simple BFF can't make you feel. That's what makes a relationship. Those strong, amorous feelings for another person that are often translated into the physical but don't exist because of the physical!

Ah Ha moment of note!

I'm considering calming down on the intimacy aspect until Shorty is comfortable. I don't want him doing stuff... hell... I don't wanna be doing stuff coz that's what's expected. We should be doing stuff coz that's what we wanna do...

Day 57-58: oh goodness...

You know when you like somebody so much that you sorta gag after talking to them coz you are so sure that you made an utter fool of yourself during that lil conversation. Or when they call at night and they are brazen enough to figure, out loud, that they are the reason for your insomnia. On the flip side, you cleverly realise that besides them being aware of how absolutely smitten you are, their call also indicates that they may be suffering from a similar affliction because of a lil thing called you... That's when your tummy gets tied up into so many knots that you wanna sit on it, somehow and squash those damn butterflies. You're certain that you could literally pass out from experiencing this overwhelming emotion... But then you realise that it's just gas... Once that's passed... You go back to wishing he was there, kissing you, holding you, talking, laughing, staring... Then your toes curl in... You think back to that earlier conversation... And the gag reflex kicks in...
It's a vicious, highly contradictory cycle which makes you wish, with much hesitation, that the situation would just plateau so that you may ultimately be able to get some sleep.

Why am I so shy around you/ Why am I so shy/ Why do I take care to astound you/ Why do I even try...

Shorty finds it incredulous that I, so dope and hella interesting, feels that way about him. Which is hella humbling coz I feel that way about him. Every time I expect him to tune me some story about me coming on too strong or suffocating him, he doesn't. Or the worst thing that a man can say, 'I'm not ready for a relationship.' He even says our hand-holding feels natural. Yes, he says all the right things... [insert deep, long, heavy sigh here]... And yet I doubt...

Today, I was labelled a playa by one of the fellow interns. She and some other dude starting counting all the guys with whom I've ever shared a hug (only two have really gotten more). But the truth is, It makes no difference to me if ten guys dig me at once coz much of the time, my definition of 'dig' is usually a lil different from theirs. Being objectified sucks. Its the price of beauty. The price of lust. The price of being a woman really. And it only just adds to our paranoia and mistrust of men in general. It's funny how I understand that from my point of view but I struggle when I try see it from where Shorty is standing.

Side-thought: I dunno where I'm going with this... So maybe I should just start with Monday...

His wicked sense of humour/ Suggests/ Exciting sex/ His fingers/ They focus on her/ Touches/ Venus as a boy... He believes in beauty/ He's Venus as a boy...
He's exploring/ The taste of her/ Arousal so accurate/ He sets off/ The beauty in her/ He's Venus/ Venus as a boy...

Ok that was the last digression...
My memory is a lil hazy but Shorty took me home coz car-pool-dude was off sick. Plus he had to make it up to me, right... Another session on the road in traffic.... And before I knew it, we were pullin up to my crib....

Tuesday began before dawn at an Outside Broadcast in Soweto. Once back at the office, there was nil to do so I went in search of physiotherapist. Oh and some deo.... Just before heading to my 1 'o clock at my former employer. They won't be giving me the other position but a marketing co-ordinator position. Dope! Slight problem, they are keen for me to start, like yesterday. But wait, what about my radio dream... Mm... Dunno hey...

Day 44-45: Part2 - Sunshine promises rain...

Tuesday was the big day and before I knew it, I had to start heading off to Hyde Park. One of my BFF's who had actually suggested me for the job, to the powers that be, called to check on my state on mind. She also mentioned one possible obstacle. My lack of mobility. It wasn't til she mentioned that, that my proposal lost its lustre and appeal. And I left, near complete deflation.

Once in the boardroom, the HR chic was in another meeting and thus couldn't be part of the panel. SCORE! And I was with some familiar friendly faces... Gotta love the sling! And my charm... Lol... Who am I kidding... My legs had adopted a life of their own... Shaking uncontrollably... But really, it went well... And from what I heard, they are looking for someone just like me... That lives the brand and is looking to forge relationships...

My life's about to get complicated... I think... But what's new!? I mean, I hate to count my chickens before they hatch but really....
Ok... Once back at the Zone, I head to Clicks for my flu shot. The nurse was a lil peculiar. She took the injection out the packaging and then started looking for some document. Meanwhile the naked needle is hazardedly pointed up. This went on for a good 5 minutes and I started to wonder about its hygiene. She must've read my mind coz she mentioned how she was still recovering from a car accident which would explain her rather odd behaviour. I was relieved?! Not even. But then she stuck the needle in and it was over. The quick band-aid rip-off trick. I got my free supply of vitamin C and as I was about to leave, she mentioned family-planning. First consult for 50 bucks... Um, thanx... I swear this woman is psychic!

Back at the office, music department, still not bumping. I was not missed. We did a recording for the teaser campaign with the official voice. Twas dope to hear some of my liners come to life.

As we came out the studio, at about 2pm, I see that Shorty is around. I decide to white-flag it and go say hi. And the butterflies zinged with energy as he hugged me and his hand lingered on my lower back. ST! ST! ST! Now there's a reason to stick around....

We duked it out. Cleared the air. He didn't come through coz he had to clean his sneakers. How disconcerting. I said as much. Furthermore, brightspark had forgotten about our date.... Disturbia...

But after I had made myself heard, I let it go. Coz he makes me feel that good... Without even tryin... I'm sucha pushover! If I didn't know better, I'd say I was whipped... Despite the crap that people are saying about him... Not that I'm discounting it... I really dunno who to trust but what I know for sure is what I feel for him... And how he makes me glow... So for now, illogically enough, everybody else can kiss my ass! Like the song says.... SO WHAT!?

The drive to the State Theatre took forever so we arrived late. They wouldn't let us in and he took it quite badly. The good thing is that we spent the time in traffic talking and I even told him about Lover. But wait for it... He already knew... Somebody who I thought was a friend, beat me to it, despite being aware that I was reluctantly planning on doing exactly that, on Saturday already. She also told him that he should stay away from me coz I'm hectic! What!? Our theory is that she feelin him! Well, join the queue Heffa! Needless to say that I ain't talkin to her as much anymore. But I ain't gonna confront her... Funny, she's the one that was advising me to stay away from him. What? Did she think we don't talk!? Stoopid girl!

He was still hella shocked by my confirmation of the Lover story so I'm glad I could clear it up... After being bounced from the theatre, we decided to head to Hatfield which was packed on a Tuesday night!? What kind?! So we found no parking and headed to Brooklyn. It started to rain. Co-fi was empty and I thought it a good idea to drink something on an empty stomach... Needless to say T-Pain started singing 'Tipsy'... Luda belted out 'One More Drink' and Jamie and I 'Blamed it' on the alcohol as I embarrassingly pulled in for a kiss only to be met with a big fat no entry sign. The date turned awkward right there.... Me and my stupid urges.... I was so embarrassed. And when he dropped me off, we discussed it. He likes to digest while I like to do. We are hella different. I'm not used to this...

Oh, he also figures that our butterflies are only different in the sense that, if we got a chance to be alone, we'd go buckwild... Lol... How comforting... It's his birthday next week... So who knows...

It must be criminal to write so much about a nigga but I'm enjoying getting to know him so much that I gots to share... Hopefully, the next post won't be so obsessive... Hopefully, the next date won't get rained out...

P.s. How dope is it that we have yet to kiss? No thanx to me. But nevertheless the case... By now, I've already jumped a nigga.... Not that I haven't tried-Lol! But you know what I mean!

Day 40: Girl feelin boy...

It's not everyday that I feel like The Bachelorette.... Much of the time, my various unplanned engagements with unavailable men has left me feeling like the desperate-for-love/damsel-in-distress but hella fiesty type that realises too late that she can't play Miss Independent and be one of the hopelessly needy contestants that are fallin for The Bachelor . Sometimes it hits you in a rush... Sometimes in waves... Either way you will cry...

Now feelin like the Bachelorette, that feels hella better. Coz you are the wanted NOT the wantee. Be the flame NOT the moths. The only bummer is that you don't know what's true and what's not. Does mr X really dig me or is he merely digging the thought of a challenge?

So Shorty is back in the picture with more swag than I can handle while Lover and I have painstakingly decided to cut our losses. While Footsie-Footsie dude omitted to tell me about his girlfriend. So Friday movies ain't happening.
I'm still pretty excited about Shorty despite my dismissive attitude following his 'lack of interest'. In fact, I get some mild heart-burn when I'm around him. Which isn't necessarily S.T... More butterflies... The innocent type that makes it feel like your insides are floating. It's nice... For the lack of a better word. When I compare it to the way Lover makes me feel.... Now that's S.T... On another level... The butterflies are electrocuted by the sheer electric chemisty between us. So that's the difference. Honestly, the S.T seems to lack the longevity, not that I would wish a swift death on my feelings for Lover. Jus sayin though...