Day 297-304: Where Do Palpitating Hearts go? Part II

He had stepped out of the car and he had left his phone behind. Before this, I would never had gone through his phone but he occasionally goes through mine and I needed to see that him and M were really just friends. So I went to his inbox.

All these I LOVE YOU messages from some number saved under some weird name... Let's call it A. For a while, I stopped breathing as I quickly scanned though the texts... Lots of them. So many that it was a while til I say my name and mind you, I had texted him last night. There were so many lovey-dovey texts I got the feeling that he had to be responding or even initiating chats of a similar fashion. I quickly checked his Sent Items and there wasn't a shred of evidence. Very strange. Maybe he doesn't save his outgoing messages. Or maybe he just has much to hide. Either way, its just dodge. I have the exact same phone and all my messages are automatically saved with lil to no memory issues.

So I checked his outgoing calls and he had called A just 30 minutes before all this. I took the number and called it off my own phone after changing my settings to private number. So brat answered the phone. I figured that to be M's cheeky, disrespectful lil brother. His name must be A. He confirmed it but he wouldn't let me speak to M without me giving him a name first. I was on the verge of tears, gasping for air, so I stopped begging him and hung up.

I put Cutie's phone back in its original spot and tried to remain calm as my head spun. Cutie took forever to come back. It felt like forever. But it was probably only five minutes. I was even able to call P and sob into the phone and even calm myself. Tears only came when I spoke about it. By the time he had returned, I was calmer.

But he still took one look at me and knew that something was wrong. I couldn't even look at him. And I swear that my supper was creeping its way up my throat. Gross. I felt ill. I had the shakes. My heart was beating fast and my stomach was performing sommersaults. Not cool. I jus wanted to run at that point. Run far away. Pretend that I don't know.

He stepped out again. This time he took his phone. And that's when I knew that he knew that I knew. When he returned, I remained quiet except for when I was talking to P on the phone, tryna find out where she is so that I can tell her what just transpired.

I had so much to say to him but no words came out. My head was flooded with his betrayal. I needed to forget. So bad. No such luck hence why I'm awake at 04.12. Well, as soon as P heard the story, she was all for me calling her and getting the facts. I was too shaken to call. My voice was trembling and so was my body... In 30 degree celcios heat. For those few minutes I was a freak of nature.

So P called her. No bratty answer on the other end. M answered and after a brief explanation that Cutie is a colleague that P thinks is cheating- M was ready to talk. Although I have a feeling that she wasn't telling the entire truth as far as the depths of her relationship with him.

Discrepancy 1:
M stays in the West, not the South.
Discrepancy 2:
M says that her and Cutie are best friends. This is news to me.
Discrepancy 3:
M was sick with an ulcer not a gynea infection. He told me that's what she had.
Discrepancy 4:
M says that she hasn't seen Cutie in a week. He told me he was with her last night, dropping off meds.
Discrepancy 5:
M says that Cutie has been dating N for three years since tertiary. He's never mentioned an N and if I hadn't seen it on the pharmacy bill, I would've been even more shocked.

So now what? He missed called me at about 23.30. I was sleeping at that time. Fortunately. P's conversation with M took place just before 20.30. I'm sure M told him about the 3rd Degree. He had three hours to cook up a story. Now we wait. Coz I really don't know what to say to him. And I hate that he has forced me to play "CHEATERS" and policeman! And yet I'm hoping for an explanation but I know that's not possible. And now, I just feel like vomiting, throwing up all my bad feelings.

Day what???

***I don't even know which day we on anymore but I have finally blogged... will try again tomorrow... I think if I keep it shorter... I'll get more out... coz there'll be no pressure to be comprehensive... hopefully it makes sense....***

It's been a crazy few weeks... I mean when is it not?! So I've gone through a range of emotion. From humiliation to disgust to hate to sheer depression... I would say anger but we all know that's not a real emotion... I couldn't have hated Cutie even if I wanted to. Even after all this time. Goodness knows that he's rejected me enough times to warrant some sort of dislike. But I couldn't even manage that. Well, not in the sense that made me love him any less or care any less. Instead I'd have moments when I'd wish that I'd never met him. Coz the "outta sight outta mind" concept was not working out so well.

So I took to forgetting the way any other nigga would. No, not narcotics. Or even alcohol. And food really don't work for me when I'm sad. And I can only have so much chocolate. My drug of choice is male affection and attention. So I started dating some other niggas who were willing, very willing... Desperately willing, to provide everything that Cutie was failing to. I jumped at the opportunity. Dude... And it was a complete bonus that he got jealous and all weird about my swift method of moving on. As Miss Jackson would say

"You dunno watchu got til it's gone..."

A part of me will admit that my heart was hoping for that sorta reaction but in my head it made no difference. There was no way that I could ever be with him again, after he had betrayed my trust like that. No matter how he explained it or how much I hoped, truth is his ex girlfriend had been apart of our pseudo-relationship since the very beginning... So what do we have, really?! What I thought we had was broken into a million lil pieces and seriously how can you even begin to fix what never existed. And that trust and friendship on which I so heavily depended upon turned out to be no friendship at all... Because of zero honesty... Dude! I couldn't even look at him coz in my mind, he was no friend of mind.

And yet my heart continued to feel for him and I wondered if I couldn't just work around this. Still be his friend even though he made for a shitty one... But we all know my heart was just seeking out a way to make him see the light.... Which is "I can be your friend and your lover... The best you've ever had"... That reverse-psychology bullshit. This made me feel sadder. Like seriously. The guy has been lying to you forever and yet you still wanna be there.... Clearly I was going through my own haphazard DABDA! Plently DENIAL... the concept of not being good enough manifesting itself as ANGER.... We also tried some BARGAINING much to my annoyance... Just coz I didn't wanna lose him and I desperately wanted this to work coz starting again with somebody else didn't appeal to me if anything, it exhausted me. Made me never wanna fall again coz it's just way to painful. But didn't I deserve better... And you only get better once you've put in the effort... As my mom likes to say... Good things come to those who wait...

I then went through a stage when I was hella sad... Guess you could call it mild DEPRESSION... Ironically enough, I would plummet into the depths of it when I was with another dude... When these new dudes would kiss me... I would automatically pretend they were Cutie just so I could get through it.... But it was not the same. It was not him. No matter how how hard I tried or how hard I wished. It was still some random. Or worse, some sexual hit. Made me feel cheap with my emotions and mostly made me feel like a user. Like two wrongs don't make a right so karma is sure to make me pay.

Hence this final stage of ACCEPTANCE. I'm still in love with him. And kissing him the other night, after all these months, confirmed that. Coz this time, when we kissed, I wasn't picturing anybody else. It was where I've wanted to be. And here I was... Yay! This also means accepting that I can't make out with random niggas to forget him or to numb my hurt, my pain, my frustration... I have to deal with it.... Either be with it or get over huh... Either way, I'm required to do it without hurting somebody else plus it don't feel as good. It never will. And I'll keep looking for the high by doing more and more hectic things when really, he's the only one that can fill me up with what I'm really craving. Him.
Whether we hook up or not, the truth has made me be okay with needing him and not being over it. What's meant to be will be so I gotta jus stop fighting love... And jus be.

Day 154-180 (+3): I AM KOPANO!

The last month has been insane and for the most part, I ain't where I wanna be. Sure, I'm being challenged on the daily by this new gig and I'm all about being challenged to the max. But I've never ever ever been this stressed out. I guess it's only fitting that LIVE TV is the third most stressful job in the world. Sure, I got to meet DJ DRAMA but really now...Does that make it worth it..?!
I asked to be challenged, not to go out the same way as Michael Jackson (with a dam heart attack). I mean I'm currently in a space that saw me be unable to blog for over a month because things are that hectic and crazy and insane and BUSY! And all I really wanna do is put on some Marvin Gaye and

get it on

! I would be so lucky. Cutie is still trippin'. So I'm working on moving on coz really he's awesome and everything but I am way too fwine to be dealing with another pseudo-relationship. Apparently I'm supposed to give him time.. I'm like what time, time to hurt me some more... reject me some more... how much punishment can a girl take. If there's one thing that I have learnt during the last 180 days is that you shouldn't ever waste your time with a nigga that won't be there. If he's trippin, do yourself a favour and be out! I realise that it's not that simple but I also know that waiting on him to change is stoopid especially when he has told you wassup. Let it go and let him stay with his undecided self.

Naturally, I'm having some trouble practicing what I preach. I can't seem to stay away from him. (And it probably doesn't help that we work together.) To the point where I'm on some maybe I should just hang out with him, he'll come around. Or maybe, we can just be friends?! Or maybe, he just ain't that into me and my punkass just needs to make peace with that! Aaaargh! The frustration! And what if I do walk away and it ends up being the biggest mistake of my life?! Like that chick from The Bachelorette, Deanna! This nigga that she was really fallin' for exasperated her to such a degree that she ended up telling him to go jump even though she dug him so! He wrote her a letter declaring his feelings but it was too late. But was it?! Should she have been a lil more enduring? DAMN Niggas who push a woman to that point!
Like
Shorty. He tried to holla at me, the other day. I was like nigga please, you done fucked up, a minute ago. It's too late! It's so late that I'm even considering cutting ties with new dude! Now here's Cutie following the exact same script. Like him and Shorty bin sharing notes! It's simple really, I'm done! The next nigga I meet, best have his story sorted. I ain't about to deal with your issues and I don't wanna hear it. You wanna be with me? Cool. You don't? Get the fuck out!

I'ma be hardcore now coz I've realised that my being open has also made me a lil naive. Fairy-tales only exist in books. I ain't the exception.

As far as my radio career is concerned, I haven't been offered anything by the station from a DJ point of view. When I found out on Thursday, I felt my world crash around me. That sucked. I was really hoping that I would be given the opportunity to take on the training slots but alas, I've been asked to submit a demo instead. Didn't know how to react to that. That hurt. But I'll do as required.

Then there's TV... dunno hey...I'm in two worlds...and boy do I need a holiday!

Day 108-111: Shut Up, Just Shut Up Shut Up...

Back in high school, I dated some triflin' niggas. Popular but hella dodge tertiary guys who would cheat on me. And my fellow female pupils would be more than happy to let me in on my boyfriends' indiscretions. Coz that's how real it would get in high school. Women-on-women violence. But they would be the first to hook up with him straight afterwards despite his shady track-record. Or worse still, these girls would knowingly hook up with dude even though they knew he was unavailable...

I wish I could take the moral high ground in comparison to my boyfriends. But nah... I was only slightly better because I kept my indiscretions a secret. I never got bust. So not only did their cheating give me a legit reason to get out of a disastrous pseudo-relationship that was only wasting my (air-)time, but it also made me look like the poor victim. Aargh shame for me. In my mind, it didn't really matter what the situation really was... as long as dude felt bad and I came out smelling like roses. There really was no reason for me to tell dude that while he was messing around, so was I... It's fine. Let him think he's a piece of shit cheat. No skin off my nose coz he been a piece of shit. I won't lie, I would get upset. Mostly out of embarrassment and humiliation. Egocentric B.S that would not let me help him downplay his guilt... In fact, let's not tarnish my good image... I figured it's always better to appear to be the victim instead of the wrong-doer. Nobody likes the wrong-doer... Plus, I couldn't begin to have dude look at me the same way that I looked at him... Yeah... Like a piece of shit cheat! Lol!

All these experiences taught me one thing. Don't ever be naive enough to think that whatever you're doing on the down-low is not being done by your significant other. That's how karma works ... So it's a big deal for me to be involved and not cheat. A sorta growth and maturity of sorts. But with so many opportunities to do so, I'm sure that Shorty is facing extensive temptation of his own on the daily... Now we don't all go through the same rite of passage, so goodness knows if he been resisting.

Hence my sheer reluctance to trust a nigga. Even the one I'm seeing. Especially when he keeps fueling my paranoia... On Friday, he ignored my calls and texts. The following morning, he tried to feed me some cock-n-bull story about his phone dying. Like honestly. I was not having it. I hate being lied to but what I hate more is an apology that is accompanied by a lie. Yho! That grates my tits. What's also bad is how I've told him before if something is going on- tell me. Don't make me wait like a crazy person. Or worse- don't fuck up and think you can fix it in the morning!?

So you think I'm gullible and stoopid?! Fine. Then leave me alone in my gullibility n stoopidity coz I really ain't gotta deal with this shit.

I wonder will Shorty n I ever go a mere seven days without fighting? It's becoming such a drag. I hate repeating myself to a grown man as though I'm involved in dog-training. Oh hell no! I really dunno what can fix this but my head ain't over there right now. I gots a show in the early hours of Monday morning. Another reason why I'm so annoyed. This nigga is fucking with my focus... I should just knock him out like Charles Hamilton. His inconsideration shows jus how self-involved he is. Like dude... The world does not revolve around you! And maybe that's been my fault... You write a coupla posts about dude, he begins to feel and act as though he rules your world. F-off!

Well, I'm obviously peeved. But like I been saying, anger ain't a real emotion. I'm hella disappointed and disheartened. And I hate to say it, especially after the other day... A part of me has to laugh at that though... How fuckin unoriginal... A nigga trippin afterwards... Well that's what you get huh... Oh well... Dirt off my shoulder!

As much as I mean that... I realise that this is merely the price of caring for somebody. You become vulnerable to being hurt. Like I just heard on Grey's... Making friends makes for another loss along the way...

On to something a lil more constructive... I'm beginning to feel those nerves again, even though my show is like twelve hours away. I so need to bring it this time... Here's to some good post-show news!

Day 71-72: Spear-o-damus

Whenever you are just about to go on your periods, life sorta colludes in making the PMS that much more potent.

My gal,Ms Fabulous,was kind enough to let me in on a little secret. Albeit five days later. As Mother Dearest would say, 'molato ga o bole'. The spelling is probably incorrect but the Tswana loosely translates into 'a problem never rots/goes bad no matter how long it's been there'. She often says it when we are watching a soapie or those Forgive and Forget type shows when the victim finally gets retribution or more specifically, the evil woman gets bust for all her plotting. The idiom couldn't be more fitting right now, with nearly a week having passed.



It turns out that Shorty was all cuddly-couple on Thursday at Mos Def. And I have a sneaky suspicion that this is the same short shorts Miss Thang from that one do we attended together, end of last month. Remember he disappeared for a minute. And had some cock n bull story to go with it.

On top of that, this chick was apparently using my digicam to snap pictures with him! So that would explain why he still hasn't returned the cam coz it's probably still filled with incriminating evidence. It's actually quite pitiful. Besides being filled with his indiscretions, the cam also probably has some dope pics of Thursday's performances... But this numb-nut can't begin to share these coz Miss Thang will probably wonder where the rest of the luvey-dovey pictures are.

Dirt of my shoulder. Finally the tongue-burn has occurred. About damn time. And again, thank goodness, I never gave it up. To think I felt bad for comforting FFB coz of his ailing aunt meanwhile, Mr Man is playing with my feelings. Ait. I been helping get his stuff together, offering some advice, only to be repaid like this.

But now that nigga got my shit. My camera. My charger and plug. My jersey. My lip-gloss. Lol... Dude, this would explain why he didn't want me to go fetch his phone when he had forgotten it in the car, on Sunday. His guilty conscious. I wouldn't have looked through it but I guess he would rather be safe than sorry. With my luck, it probably would've rang in my hands.

Now, I hate to say I told you so. But I did. I been saying that something's off. That I don't trust this nigga. Now I know. So my gut is working. Relief. Thank goodness it ain't paranoia. I really couldn't deal.

What's worse is that I'm apparently the other woman, [yet again! After specifically telling this nigga that I don't want drama. Ya neh. So much for respecting my quest for truth]. This chic is apparently widely known as his girlfriend. Classy. Poor chick. Poor me.

Yeah, that's enough self-pity. In fact, I ain't privy to any. I knew. I did. You probably knew too. I broke every rule of the how to tell that 'He's Just Not That Into You' list by listening to him claim to be digging me, missing me, trusting me... And most of all being single and tryna see where we go. I listened to him. Instead of my gut.

I'm tired. Absolutely exhausted. This nigga managed to play me despite my best intentions. So it is kinda like Paul again. In fact it is. I trusted somebody who is clearly not to be trusted. Dude! And how many times did I tell him that honesty is the single most important thing to me? Oh but he made so much effort to see me? Ms Fabulous says that playas get off looking as though they put in some effort. It ain't nothin but a thing to them. I'm easily impressed, clearly. I mean he saw this chic Thursday night only to call me the following day and hang with me that night. And Sunday night. He apologised for not doing so yesterday. Wow. And drive me home. And pick me up.

So now that we know he's triflin', do we call him and scream into the phone? Nah, not my style. Anger ain't a real emotion. I'm hurting. Down but not out. So I need to chill. This been going on for a minute so what's it gonna hurt to only voice my hurt later? Coz I may be nicer later? Nice ain't truth when I really just wanna hang him by his fat-ass.

Not my style either. Any guy that deserves to make you feel like literally killing him, doesn't deserve your time. You giving him way more attention than he deserves so walk away.

So my way of venting is blogging coz life will sort him out. It ain't my steez to teach a grown man. It took a lot for me to call him today and not call him a big fat liar. I played it cool and even cold but requested that he please bring my cam back coz I need it. Bull. He promised tomorrow. I just wanted to get off the phone quickly so it completely slipped my mind to ask him to drop my stuff off with security if he happens to go past the office tonight.

I'm not up to seeing him. I'm hella disgusted. The thought of second base is even having the opposite effect. Not even a lil smile.

So how am I gonna deal with this? If the opportunity presents itself, I'll tell him what I know and that I'm out. Either way, by reading this, he'll know that I'm done. Peace nucca!

Day 54-56: Weekend tremors... Part II

This weekend, Shorty screwed up. So bad that I feel as though trusting him would be hella naive....

On Friday, we were at some event together and hotdamn did he look good. So good that he made my outfit look wack! Lol! This is crazy. Anywho, some chick in her short shorts, heels and curly-sue braids was clearly hollering at him. Pulling him by the hand. Grinding on him. Now this brought back memories of my MBA ex at the Wordsworth Party People last year. That night really changed the vibe of our thang or rather, more accurately, I woke up and finally read the 'IT'S BEEN OVER' sign. [Which would explain why I ain't keen to holla back at him coz it took me a minute to get over his stunts.] Technically, I couldn't get mad coz we were glorified friends with benefits. He couldn't or rather wouldn't deal with having a 'girlfriend' and having to be responsible for someone else's feelings' [insert a blood curdling 'HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU' here!]

So yeah, I knew as much and to see deja-vu in action in broad-daylight, I was about to have a BF for real. Armed with liquid courage, I pulled him to the side and asked him wtf with sheer vindication on the outside and sheer dread on the inside.

I half-expected him to tune that he ain't gotta explain nothin to me. He saved me the embarrassment but his dismissive reaction was equally as icy. 'Don't worry about that. That's what people do around here!'

Ya neh! Next thing, he's gone off somewhere and this new Miss Thang is also MIA! [Plus, I'm left to babysit his friend who was hella cute, might I add. Chocolate skin and all... But Shorty got me checkin for nobody else really....] My blood began to boil... Mind you, I gots to go home with this nigga.... Aaaaaargh! Typical!

When he finally returned he claimed to be getting some takeaways for his fam. I was hella sceptical.... But then he smiled at me reassuringly... And when he touched me, I melted like a gullible fool. We drove home in some Adele-fied ambience (he liked my gift, he was hella floored that I got him the album for his bday) and our parting shot was our SECOND kiss. About dam time! Lol. This is a lot of work.

The following day, the plan was to hit yet another gig but my cousin's parents' pending divorce had her in a state so she wasn't about to come out. Lil Sis figured I should tell Shorty to come get me. I hate asking for such stuff. Being the typical chic, waiting to be picked up by her man. I've never wanted my own ride so badly! Needless to say he didn't respond to my text or calls. I was livid all the way into Sunday morning when he finally called.

He had some or other excuse. And to distract me, he also mentioned how one of my fellow interns, cornered him on Saturday night, telling him that he must tell me what he really wants. Huh!? Dude! I had not even sent her. Not impressed coz I doubt it came from a genuinely compassionate space. She was on some sabotage tip. Or am I paranoid!? It's jus hella strange. Anyway... He promised to make it up to me by coming over, after dropping off his lil sister, in the afternoon.

The afternoon came and went, my excitement came and went... and during the cricket just when we thought SA was about to be handed her ass in a nail-biting Pro-20 game, he finally called or rather drunk-dialled me. Fun! And again, I couldn't be mad. Fuuuuuuuuck! But I did try state my case. He said he'd make it up to me....um...make it up to me for failing to make it up it me?! How about no more promises!? "whatever. Clearly I can't trust you." I said, hoping that I hadn't hurt him too much with such piercing words.... Can you believe it?!

I tried to be mad. I tried to state my case.
I tried.
I still feel stoopid. But I still feel him.
If its fucked, so be it. And may it end soon.

Day 30: And it and it begins...

He walks outside for a cigarette break/ And thinks how many cigarettes does it take/ He takes a long drag with the sun in his eye/ He squints, he thinks, he starts to sigh/ Sometimes he cry/ When he thinks about his girlfriend on his side/ She held it down/ She made him better/ Fought the love through fucked up weather/ And she thinking about her life/ With no more work, just being a wife/ But instead her love, she gave it to a man/ Who fought against her lovely plans/ So when she go to work plus go to school/ Plus fight the love, she must feel like a fool/ She want the ease to come after pain/ She fight for love, that's her campaign/ We fight, we love...
[Q-tip ft Raphael Saddiq... We Fight, We Love]

I may have been raring to go yesterday but after barely getting through the day... I'm deflated and emotionally exhausted... Pretty much the personification of a Blue Monday... [The same way, according to some guy on the radio, that Obama is the personification of globalisation because of his 360 degree view of the world ie not jus Europe inclined like his predecessor was... That's one helluva compliment... But I digress...]

I started off the day with a session with one the country's leading radio brains. Not only is Bob Mabena, four decades of prime rib experience, he is also hella easy on the eye. That never hurts. Although, his daughter is a mere three years younger than me... Hectic.

During the smoke break, I checked up on fb like any normal fb fundi would do. And to my suprise Lover had sent me a message, dripping with pain, sadness... expressing his guilt and tacit reluctance to continue creeping... My heart sank... The end is nigh I thought... So I called him... To get a clearer picture? Probably to put the nails in the coffin... He sounded the way I felt. The weight of the world on his shoulders. He'd seen his kid during the weekend and the episode had made him think hard about putting her in a broken home.

And of cos, I understood. Its logic and totally reasonable. That doesn't make it any less hurtful. If anything, I shouldn't be in this situation to begin with. But alas... Plus everything happens for a reason.... Right?! Please! That didn't stop the tears. And my day was screwed from that moment. A random chat with somebody, got the waterworks going. And I never cry in front of people. Especially in a work space. In fact at my last job, it took five months for my breakdown to occur. Four weeks is a personal record. On three different occasions during the afternoon, I bawled [twice in a toilet, the last one was just before I went home... That ugly sort of cry that makes it look like you got beat up and makes you sound like someone died...luckily I had a trucker hat on...]

So now I threw myself at God's mercy coz even though, I messed up... The cool thing about being in a bad place, you can only look up... Tough times draw you closer to God... So maybe that's the lesson... I dunno... I'm clutching at straws here... Once again, I've managed to hurt myself. With even more intensity than before. But I've also managed to feel more... So much... So good... And I wouldn't trade those moments for nothing... Maybe another time... Coz honestly, that affinity wouldn't allow me to pull away. And his sadness, our sadness confirms that...

But that's that. My footprint moment. This too shall pass. He'll carry me through... He always does.