Day 104-107: Kingdom Come...

A dramatic build up often concludes in an equally undramatic anti-climax! You'll walk away and be on some... That's it?! Really now? Really?! No... Seriously!

Today was a day of firsts... Let's start with my first time hosting the 4AM-5AM slot. Dude! I really thought I would be less nervous which in turn turned out to be my biggest challenge (please note that I didn't say 'difficulty'. I picked that up from a guest lecturer, the other day. It's a mere obstacle... A lil hill...) was my anxiety. Self-inflicted n absolutely self-indulgent... It appears that in those moments, I forgot the teachings from A New Earth and Dr Gary Zukav... Nerves amount to selfish energy because it makes the situation only about you. It's not only about me but also the people listening and being subjected to poor radio because I'm way too self-involved to step out of MY anxiety to give them a decent show... Now I'm feeling like even though I get the above, I've gone from selfish to self-pity... Well, either way, there's no room for egoism! Just Do It!

And that's exactly what I plan on doing on Monday morning when we do it again. Keep it simple and short but pacy n punchy... Like a manly Ryan Seacrest... I wanna say risque stuff and have listeners latching on to my every word. Did I manage that despite my stage fright? I think I did what I could, considering the situation... It's not everyone that can talk about their 'friend' who sucks dick in order to deal with stress... And it's not many people that can be open about their less-than-cool approach.

Another first occurred after the show. Shorty n I hung out at his crib. Not only were we completely alone for the very first time, but we also had some privacy outside the confines of a car or even a corridor or a movie theatre or food outlet or event... Twas crazy surreal for him for me to be in his space... For me, it was the perfect escape from the memory of a not-so-perfect radio show.

I dunno if it was too soon but I knew that we would some time. And that day came... What's meant to be will be... What's meant to happen, did!

So now that we have that out of the way... Let's double up... Lol... Now the trick will be to figure if we gonna stay together despite those typical doubtful feelings that come with the-morning-after-the-night-before...
We actually spoke about it a lil... And it was a lil reminiscent ot the the first time we kissed. When that finally happened, I sorta wished that we had waited because as much as I wanted to do it, I really missed the feeling of anticipation from those previous three weeks.

But isn't that always the case. Feeling as though you shouldn't have done what you did. But you had to do it to prove a point... Whether to cement your feelings or to cultivate further feelings... it's how society has shaped intimacy. You can't claim to be seeing/feeling somebody and you guys don't kiss or beyond. I mean what would set you apart from the next pair of friends if you guys, as a couple, aren't acting on the feelings of lust?

So what makes a relationship? According to FFB, without fucking there is no relationship therefore you might as well be close friends. He rates it solidifies things. I dunno if I concur... I'm pretty sure me and Shorty are more than "close friends" but I dunno how I know... I guess I trust that he ain't sharing the same thoughts with other women. Lol! So now he can't have a female BFF?
[Enter Alicia Keys with 'Grlfriend'... I think I'm jealous of your girl friend...]
If you have somebody that you constantly spend time with but there's no shagging then you guys are either BFFs or BF and GF. What sets that apart????


So I looked up the definition of RELATIONSHIP...

–noun 1. a connection, association, or involvement.
2. connection between persons by blood or marriage.
3. an emotional or other connection between people: the relationship between teachers and students.
4. a sexual involvement; affair.

Clearly the above didn't help...
So I looked it up in the Thesauraus...
And the following jumped at me...

connection, friendship, affinity, bond, hookup...

An affinity... that zing that draws you and keeps you close to another person. Those butterflies that a simple BFF can't make you feel. That's what makes a relationship. Those strong, amorous feelings for another person that are often translated into the physical but don't exist because of the physical!

Ah Ha moment of note!

I'm considering calming down on the intimacy aspect until Shorty is comfortable. I don't want him doing stuff... hell... I don't wanna be doing stuff coz that's what's expected. We should be doing stuff coz that's what we wanna do...

Day 85-90: What Were You Thinking...

It's funny how when you have to study, you'll do everything but exactly that. I just came from physio... Oh my gosh such pleasure... I nearly passed out coz the various massaging techniques were so good. I should have started physio five weeks ago [since it's been approxiamately three months since the shoulder anthroscopy] but I haven't had time to find a therapist, especially one that works on the weekend, but now that I gots to study, it occurred to me that I may wanna see one. And boy am I glad.

Physio amounts to somebody playing with your hair and inducing drowsiness. Now all I wanna do is sleep. But I also gotta go get my hair did. Plus this BMW [Baby-Making Weather] is making me hella apathetic.

So I'm drowsy n lazy, watching the Crime Channel. Things been like that the entire week. Haven't even been able to blog because the famous last words proved to be exactly that. Well sorta. Well for the most part.

Saw Shorty the other day and we spoke about Friday night. He pretty much expressed my concern as per my blog. Lol that would be assuming that he's been reading it. Coz the way he spoke about labels putting pressure on us was what I said. So I nodded fiercely wondering if we on the same page or if he jus read my blog and found the perfect excuse for some triflin behaviour.

Honestly I shouldn't be bothered by all this at the moment. Coz again, gots to study. But at the rate that I'm going, you'd swear I gots all the time in the world. So the official term for us is 'we're seeing eachother/dating exclusively'. Even if some nosy numbnut insists on asking if he is my boyfriend, I'll merely respond that 'we're seeing eachother'. BOOOORIIINGGG! Lol!

I think I'm just slightly annoyed coz I had begun wrapping my head around the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing. But clearly the fact that I brought it up in a sober setting shows that I was not completely comfortable.

Speaking of discomfort, the day before May Day, my sexual frustration had hit an all time high! All that anybody was talking about and doing was sexually related. Needless to say that I and my celibate state felt a lil cheated. I called him and for the first time, I told him how I was not coping. I expected him to snigger in the face of my three-month rule but he only had empathy for me and expressed feeling equally frustrated. That made me feel ten times better. My poor baby...

Maybe it's time, he said meekly... How about no, negro?! We are doing so well and to just give in to our urges would undo months of work... I dunno what the logic is but sex just results in complications and goodness knows that we have enough complications for Africa. Plus once you become sexually active, it's easy to just have a relationship that's centred around the nookie. Right now, we are forced to get to know eachother and see eachother for what we really are. Sex blinds you. So we gonna have to wait. Coz I wanna do this differently. I can get sex anywhere but goodness knows that we've worked at this. No point in screwing it up now... Yes, pun intended.