Day 297-304: Where Do Palpitating Hearts go? Part II

He had stepped out of the car and he had left his phone behind. Before this, I would never had gone through his phone but he occasionally goes through mine and I needed to see that him and M were really just friends. So I went to his inbox.

All these I LOVE YOU messages from some number saved under some weird name... Let's call it A. For a while, I stopped breathing as I quickly scanned though the texts... Lots of them. So many that it was a while til I say my name and mind you, I had texted him last night. There were so many lovey-dovey texts I got the feeling that he had to be responding or even initiating chats of a similar fashion. I quickly checked his Sent Items and there wasn't a shred of evidence. Very strange. Maybe he doesn't save his outgoing messages. Or maybe he just has much to hide. Either way, its just dodge. I have the exact same phone and all my messages are automatically saved with lil to no memory issues.

So I checked his outgoing calls and he had called A just 30 minutes before all this. I took the number and called it off my own phone after changing my settings to private number. So brat answered the phone. I figured that to be M's cheeky, disrespectful lil brother. His name must be A. He confirmed it but he wouldn't let me speak to M without me giving him a name first. I was on the verge of tears, gasping for air, so I stopped begging him and hung up.

I put Cutie's phone back in its original spot and tried to remain calm as my head spun. Cutie took forever to come back. It felt like forever. But it was probably only five minutes. I was even able to call P and sob into the phone and even calm myself. Tears only came when I spoke about it. By the time he had returned, I was calmer.

But he still took one look at me and knew that something was wrong. I couldn't even look at him. And I swear that my supper was creeping its way up my throat. Gross. I felt ill. I had the shakes. My heart was beating fast and my stomach was performing sommersaults. Not cool. I jus wanted to run at that point. Run far away. Pretend that I don't know.

He stepped out again. This time he took his phone. And that's when I knew that he knew that I knew. When he returned, I remained quiet except for when I was talking to P on the phone, tryna find out where she is so that I can tell her what just transpired.

I had so much to say to him but no words came out. My head was flooded with his betrayal. I needed to forget. So bad. No such luck hence why I'm awake at 04.12. Well, as soon as P heard the story, she was all for me calling her and getting the facts. I was too shaken to call. My voice was trembling and so was my body... In 30 degree celcios heat. For those few minutes I was a freak of nature.

So P called her. No bratty answer on the other end. M answered and after a brief explanation that Cutie is a colleague that P thinks is cheating- M was ready to talk. Although I have a feeling that she wasn't telling the entire truth as far as the depths of her relationship with him.

Discrepancy 1:
M stays in the West, not the South.
Discrepancy 2:
M says that her and Cutie are best friends. This is news to me.
Discrepancy 3:
M was sick with an ulcer not a gynea infection. He told me that's what she had.
Discrepancy 4:
M says that she hasn't seen Cutie in a week. He told me he was with her last night, dropping off meds.
Discrepancy 5:
M says that Cutie has been dating N for three years since tertiary. He's never mentioned an N and if I hadn't seen it on the pharmacy bill, I would've been even more shocked.

So now what? He missed called me at about 23.30. I was sleeping at that time. Fortunately. P's conversation with M took place just before 20.30. I'm sure M told him about the 3rd Degree. He had three hours to cook up a story. Now we wait. Coz I really don't know what to say to him. And I hate that he has forced me to play "CHEATERS" and policeman! And yet I'm hoping for an explanation but I know that's not possible. And now, I just feel like vomiting, throwing up all my bad feelings.

Day 118-120: Finally....Radio Chapter I

**This is actually my blog from an internal site but I found it to be so spot on and a lil too honest that I just had to share it with you guys....

I've been meaning to blog about my on-air escapades for a minute... so lemme break it down a lil... It's been a week since my second attempt at GroundZero. For all intensive purposes, I killed it compared to my premiere show five days before that.




I figure that I let the hype get to me during the first show. In between the "oh my goshes" and "oh my goodneses", I pretty much failed to be the cool big sis that listeners would like to have. I was like a groupie. Dude!

Lesson learnt: Dude! just be you!

As Em would say ...

You better lose yourself in the music
The moment you own it you better never let it go, oh
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Cuz opportunity comes once in a lifetime, yo
You better lose yourself in the music
The moment you own it you better never let it go, oh
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Cuz opportunity comes once in a lifetime, yo
You better...

It's really that simple. But I let the enormity of the moment/opportunity get at me and rip at me and drag me through the mud!
Twas an eye-opener. As in it made me realise that my moment, the moment that I had been dreaming about since I was a kid, had finally come and because of nerves, I was about to fuck it up momentously. Dude! Don't joke! Say it ain't so! I couldn't believe that I almost let it slip through my fingers like that...

and even today I ain't all that pleased with my performance during the second show.

Another lesson learnt...

Our lectures in the run up to the on-air stuff were quite spot-on!
As soon as I calmed down on the OMGs, I picked up on "OKay" and added some "er's and "ums" for added crutchness!it's the oddest thing that once you lose one crutch, you are bound to pick up another one! Just like that! I never say OK but now it's like my new word! Dude! like how?!

Dude!
it's hella wack hey.
my technical has been ait. As in I haven't skipped any songs, involuntarily but I did manage to gate-crash the news with a jingle. And if that wasn't enough, I didn't put up the level after front-announcing AKA's "Mistake". How apt!

You may ask...
But KP did you do anything right?

Yeah... I had a coupla tricks up my sleeve... from my totally fake, fabricated, imaginary friend that "sucks cock" to deal with stress and feel like a "strong black woman"... I don't doubt that such a female exists but she certainly ain't one of my friends.
...to my future "blind-date" with a white boy. Well, that wasn't a complete lie. An fb friend did "offer" me his white friend... but he was not keen to set us up, well not directly, he sought to rather, organise a lil chill session at his spot and then have us meet... So a blind-date with a twist... started off the show on an inquisitive note... Nice...

My links coulda been tighter if I had stuck to my prep and timings and such... but I doubted it in the moment. Stooooooopid girl.

More good news...
I've learnt to prep my own ish!
I've found a system that doesn't allow me to forget to back-announce and most of all to ID the station and my pretty lil face!

Too dope!

Now, I'm constantly jotting down ideas for links... I literally keep my notebook and pen on me... it's exciting ad it's daunting at the same time because my respect for the profession has grown tremendously ie I now see it as a proper gig. Not a hobby to be shat on! but at the same time, I'm freaked out by the intensity and how it isn't some big party on air like I sorta unconsciously perceived it to be.

Which has of cos made that crazy, totally illogical Q pop into my head. Is this what I really want? Really? really?

Part of my every being screams YES but my fear, a deep seated, unjustified, totally self-involved phobia is raising doubt, within!

So a lot of thinking is taking place. And of cos, been sussing out the competition. Totally natural especially when your turn to be on air is taking its sweet time.

But also totally a waste of time because I really shouldn't be checking for the other academics coz I'm the only horse that I should be concerned about. I can't see these other niggas coz I got my eye on the prize!

And with two shows to go... I am dying to prove my mettle. So I plan to pull out al the stops for the next show. Really. Fiery blazin links! Short sweet n punchy!

Sot he cat's out the bag but that's the thing about radio, my execution ain't like no other. At least that's the plan. To make it memorable.

We got some good news yesterday...
Not only will we be participating in a massive clean up campaign in our own internship capacities (oh joy-lol ) but we will also be having our own liners recorded! Dude! can you say too dope! With the official voice of the station!

Songs I'm loving at the moment...
Pure Surprise- Lulo Cafe (yho...he is the hottest nigga in the hood! No kidding!)
And of cos... Hottest Nigga in the Hood- Red Cafe (see the link!!!) [still!!]
Who's Real-Jada ft Swizz
Deeper- Euphonik
Return the Favour- Keri Hilson ft Timbo
My Love- The Dream ft Mariah
Rockin that Shit (Remix) -The Dream and all them niggas... [still!!!]
Good Clothes-Lil Brother [still!! stuck on that beat!]


And a host of other hottttt house tracks that I can't remember... it happens... mind you... I have yet to sleep since 9pm last night!

Since I've been absolutely self-indulgent... I guess I can get away without blogging for the next month... truth be told... I've missed talking about my passion... so you must JBS (jusssss beeee strong)!

Besides with God by my side... I can't help but shine.. wherever that may be! Funny thing about the picture below, I was loking for a star and that jumped at me! How appropriate... That's how I know that The Script-writer is hard at work for lil ol me who deserves it the least... But would desire it regardless... pretty pretty please... I'm thinking he is liking the idea tooooo.. Well, I'ma keep the faith!

Day 93-104: Magic Moments Part I

Paulo Coelho once wrote of magic moments in his highly acclaimed novel, Down By The River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept. It's a heavy love story focussing on a young woman's quest for self discovery and more specifically love. He described a magic moment as that moment when a YES or NO changes your life forever. I feel like these 180 DAYS have been a series of magic moments in themselves. Which is bad and good. Good because everyday is one hella surprise after another. I can't say that I'm bored at all. But I also can't say that I know what's really going on even on the basics front. It's almost like having sex with a blindfold on. It's cool for a bit but after a while, you just wanna know what's going on... or maybe I'm just one hella control freak! Relaxa tu! But I guess that's what life really is. a series of decisions that ultimate contribute to the Butterfly Effect whether you'd like to believe in the weight that a seemingly insignificant action may carry.

Everytime I meet somebody new and we discuss some business ventures and something comes out of it... Everytime, some nigga hollers at me and I actually don't walk away and he turns out to be another soulmate (Yes, I believe in more than one)...
Facebook/MySpace and other social networking sites have been the catalyst of several magic moments. I've (re)connected with fam and even come across some dope people. But has my life been changed? as in really altered? Or just been made more interesting?

I rate that you'll never really know the true extent of your actions. However, what I do know for sure is that the Butterfly effect exists. Everything, no matter how small, happens for a reasons so yes. Everything is connected. Everything is everything. That's what Ms Hill meant.

But for me the true magic moment, as in how I interpreted it as per the novel, occurred in the run up to my exam last Monday. For the past six years, I have been trying to finish up my BCOM: Accounting degree. The first two years were smooth sailing until my final year when I crashed and burned towards the finishing line in respect of the Tax and Financial Management modules. The following year, 2007, I bagged the Tax but the Financial Management proved to be a harder pill to swallow. I just couldn't or wouldn't understand. Last year, I decided to try finish within a semester via Unisa. I managed to two out of three of their Financial Management equivalent. I wrote a supplementary exam in October which also went badly. So badly, I had to re-apply. No supp, this time. I figure, I had trouble balancing my job and studies. Plus when you are so used to not understanding particular work, in this instance, Valuations, you're already defeated before you start. Well you feel that way and that self-fulfilling profesy comes to show.

This year, I again took up the Financial Management yolk. Partly determined to get it right this time. Partly certain that I don't really have the type of brain that grasps the curriculum therefore I should perhaps consider approaching the powers that be with the results of an aptitude test that proves that I have trouble getting my head around analytical type problems and maybe they will just give me a damn degree out of sheer pity and for my half-hearted peserverence and innovation. I don't think I could pull out the race card for this one!? ... But worse, I was considering giving up, basically at the end of the race which amounts to not having bothered to try in the first place. With the pressure that my mom was putting on me and the prospect of a life continually on the hustle sans the financial cushioning that comes with a cushy Chartered Accountant gig, I been freaking out! And that's why I been studying since February. I even handed in both my assignments which turned out to be well done. Ain't nothing like fear to motivate you.

Last Monday was a culmination of my efforts. I spent the weekend, studying. I mucked about only on Saturday but I was sooooo focussed that I told Shorty that we couldn't hang. SHOCKING, I know. Don't even begin to think things went smoothly. They don't ever. That would be too easy... Especially where that nigga is concerned...

Day 74-77: Breathe n Stop...

I guess it can't really end until you're ready to let go. As in, you're not still pining or reminiscing or fantasising... Until those good memories are only that and not an urge to make some more... Otherwise you are still pretty much in the thick of things despite your denial and determination to move on.

As much as I wanna just be over this Shorty saga, truth is that the disgust has returned to just being good ol typical mistrust-fueled con-fuss-ion.

I don't know what's right and what's real anymore/ I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore/ And when do you think that it will all become clear/ Coz I'm being taken over by The Fear...

The very day after I wrote my last blog, Shorty again failed to return my stuff even though I had expressly reminded him and he had expressly committed to doing so. But I guess what did I expect, nigga BEEN flakey! That was what I thought to my myself as he pitched up empty-handed on yet another occasion.

Honestly, I was more bothered by the fact that I'd have to deal with him again when he finally sticks to his word. I had no clue how that would pan out coz just the sight of him disgusted me. No, he had not turned ugly overnight but the thought of his betrayal had me trippin. So I kept my words to a minimum. I must have managed about five. Whenever he was within my proximity, I walked away. I knew that if I opened my mouth to exchange more than a greeting, I'd scream at him and maybe even make a scene. Dude, I was fuming. My insides were puffed up and the blood was boiling. I felt my ears get hot and forced myself to get some water from the kitchen.

He did well to seem unaware of my mood by not bothering to enquire about it. Which was just as well coz I needed to cool it clearly.

The following day was hella busy in the newsroom. Whoopdedoo! This time, Short pitched with my stuff. SUPRISED, SUPRISE! You coulda knocked me over with a feather. An ambiguous feeling fell over me. Firstly, Joy coz my damn camera was safely back in my possession and as I flipped through the pictures, I was a lil disappointed to find no evidence of his deception. Dammit this nigga managed to delete everything, I thought. Not that it's a difficult device to navigate but really Shorty has no clue when it comes to technology. It's quite laughable. One hella juxtaposition compared to his modern appearance and vibe. And boy did he look good. Hotdammm! It left me wondering where the disgust had gone. Actually the disgust faded when he denied all the allegations levelled against him [Yho the newsroom gots me talking crazy]. Goodness how gullible am I? Or rather, how hectically do I want this nigga to be in the clear? Or worse, how bad have I got it?

Exit Lily Allen stage left.
Enter Keri Hilson stage right.

Sometimes [like] comes around/ And it knocks you down/ Get back up/ When it knocks you down/ Knocks you down....

The plaster was only coming off my walls because I had anticipated the worst and the worst had not quite arrived. Yeah... Come to think of it, it was rather silly of me to think that he would admit to having his arms around another woman. And I actually articulated as much but I was more relieved for his denial than anything. He may have thought to be dismissive but as soon as he saw how I was not budging or smiling, he decided against it and adopted the ' you know I'm crazy about you' stance....

Exit Keri Hilson.
Enter the Cadbury man...
'...And all resistance crumbles...'

Dude! You telling me that I gots to get mad just so that this nigga can gimme some proper attention. Obviously I wasn't thinking all of that at the time. Unfortunately, rationality is hella sparse during times like these.

I don't know how but he managed to cast doubt over Ms Fabulous's observations. It's as logical as reckoning that she needs to get her eyes checked. He figures that he wouldn't be hollering at some girl if he knew Ms Fabulous was looking. He also spoke of how he appreciates me being in his corner and he wouldn't wanna mess that up.

Exit Cadbury Man.
Insert puppy dog eyes here.

That Friday night he drunk-dialled me and pretty much reiterated his words from the afternoon. Frankly we've heard these before... That he'll make it up to me (um, what's he gonna fix if he didn't do anything wrong... Oh for not telling the Mos Def chick to go fly a kite instead of 'tacitly' entertaining it) and he is gonna work harder at this. He said everything but declare his undying love. And when he called Saturday morning, he was well-aware of the late-night telecon. [insert RELIEF here]

I been giggly since.
[insert Lily Allen ENCORE here]

I dunno hey. I really don't. I like him so much that I'm being blind or rather, I'm choosing to turn a blind eye and make up excuses for days... That's some power he got over me...

I hope to goodness, I'm wrong about this dread and mistrust. To goodness. As much as I'd hate to be a fool, I'd hate to have to change the way I look at him more...