Day 238-244: Ain't It Funny...

One of my all time favorite J.Lo jams is the "Ain't It Funny" remix... Back when JA was still hot and I was closet J.Lo fan... Til today, I have most of her albums and I know more songs than I should ever admit to knowing... But I digress... The song goes...

Ain't it funny/ Baby that you want me/ When you had me/ Love is crazy/ I'm glad I can smile and say...

The past week began as dramatic as ever... I hardly said two words to Cutie all day not out of spite but more detached busy-ness... Well, when P caught a ride of with him that night... She let it "slip" that I had met somebody. To be honest, I expected him to react all....
Nonchalant in front of an audience...
But he was everything but... He wanted details of what Chocolate looks like, if he's cute etc.

Ya know Cutie was so curious, he didn't even wait til we had some privacy to ask me who Chocolate is. He pretty much asked in front of P! Seriously? Seriously. I was like acting dumb... Inside I'm on some... well, if you don't take care of home, somebody else will...

Later on when we were alone, he asked me what's up. I told him the truth. Met a dude who likes me a lot and quite frankly I could use the distraction. Cutie seemed to get some sort of snug satisfaction from not being entirely forgettable. He also urged me to leave Chocolate coz the timing is off. In hindsight, his advice was quite irritatingly ironic.

Coz here I am.... Contemplating a way out of my quickie relationship. Thing about Chocolate.... He is ghetto... One of them Soweto cats who are loud, obnoxious and seemingly loaded but anything but. To top it all off.... He is the complete opposite of articulate.... The past few days with him have made me realise that as much as I'm a sucker for some sun-kissed skin... I'm also into charm and fluency and a gorgeous natural smile... I'm not a fan of gold... Much less a nigga who's first language isn't English. I have no problem with a dude that speaks vernacular well but let that not come at the expense of the Queen's Language... Please.

Day 154-180 (+3): I AM KOPANO!

The last month has been insane and for the most part, I ain't where I wanna be. Sure, I'm being challenged on the daily by this new gig and I'm all about being challenged to the max. But I've never ever ever been this stressed out. I guess it's only fitting that LIVE TV is the third most stressful job in the world. Sure, I got to meet DJ DRAMA but really now...Does that make it worth it..?!
I asked to be challenged, not to go out the same way as Michael Jackson (with a dam heart attack). I mean I'm currently in a space that saw me be unable to blog for over a month because things are that hectic and crazy and insane and BUSY! And all I really wanna do is put on some Marvin Gaye and

get it on

! I would be so lucky. Cutie is still trippin'. So I'm working on moving on coz really he's awesome and everything but I am way too fwine to be dealing with another pseudo-relationship. Apparently I'm supposed to give him time.. I'm like what time, time to hurt me some more... reject me some more... how much punishment can a girl take. If there's one thing that I have learnt during the last 180 days is that you shouldn't ever waste your time with a nigga that won't be there. If he's trippin, do yourself a favour and be out! I realise that it's not that simple but I also know that waiting on him to change is stoopid especially when he has told you wassup. Let it go and let him stay with his undecided self.

Naturally, I'm having some trouble practicing what I preach. I can't seem to stay away from him. (And it probably doesn't help that we work together.) To the point where I'm on some maybe I should just hang out with him, he'll come around. Or maybe, we can just be friends?! Or maybe, he just ain't that into me and my punkass just needs to make peace with that! Aaaargh! The frustration! And what if I do walk away and it ends up being the biggest mistake of my life?! Like that chick from The Bachelorette, Deanna! This nigga that she was really fallin' for exasperated her to such a degree that she ended up telling him to go jump even though she dug him so! He wrote her a letter declaring his feelings but it was too late. But was it?! Should she have been a lil more enduring? DAMN Niggas who push a woman to that point!
Like
Shorty. He tried to holla at me, the other day. I was like nigga please, you done fucked up, a minute ago. It's too late! It's so late that I'm even considering cutting ties with new dude! Now here's Cutie following the exact same script. Like him and Shorty bin sharing notes! It's simple really, I'm done! The next nigga I meet, best have his story sorted. I ain't about to deal with your issues and I don't wanna hear it. You wanna be with me? Cool. You don't? Get the fuck out!

I'ma be hardcore now coz I've realised that my being open has also made me a lil naive. Fairy-tales only exist in books. I ain't the exception.

As far as my radio career is concerned, I haven't been offered anything by the station from a DJ point of view. When I found out on Thursday, I felt my world crash around me. That sucked. I was really hoping that I would be given the opportunity to take on the training slots but alas, I've been asked to submit a demo instead. Didn't know how to react to that. That hurt. But I'll do as required.

Then there's TV... dunno hey...I'm in two worlds...and boy do I need a holiday!

Day 121-127: Kiss My Swag

That's my new term. I've officially replaced "kiss my ass" with "kiss my swag". Simply in the interest of discharging the eeuuw factor.
And best of all it got published on URBANDICTIONARY.COM coz that's how much I rock... lol... and if you don't like it... you can KISS MY SWAG!

So here are the definitions if you still lost...

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Kiss%20My%20Swag

1. Kiss My Swag 1 thumb up A modern alternative to kiss my ass. A sarcastic comment said by those that are on the hustle and receive madd luv or madd hate for it.
Ignant Hater: I like your Lambo and all but it would look better if it was white....

Mandy: Negro please. Kiss my swag!
Ignant Hater bending over: just saying though...
Clueless Groupie: oh my gosh Jigga, I totally love that DOA joint.
Jay-Z: Go on and kiss my swag then!
Clueless Groupie: Oh my gosh! Totally!
kiss my ass fuck off whatever oh please so what
by KP-Spears Jun 6, 2009 share this

For all those that prefer to be brief and excel at text language... how's this for convenient...

http://kms.urbanup.com/4026570

2. KMS
An acronym for Kiss My Swag.
Stoopid Girl: I like your music and all but I think you need Soulja Boy on the hook...
Talib Kweli: Girl please. KMS!
Stoopid Girl, dragging on her gum with her talons: Nigga you ain't shit!

Dick Rider: Dude them kicks are too fresh!
The Man: You know This! KMS!
kiss my ass fuck off whatever oh please so what
by KP-Spears Jun 7, 2009 share this

So yeah... it appears as though that's what I been plotting for the past week. Honestly, it's the most interesting occurence. Everything else is same old. Except I met some dope Americans today. And even the most delish 20 year-old. Yeah, I might be pining for Paul... mm.. I should get some help. More about that later...

STOP THE PRESSES!

ok ok... I know how this is gonna look... but really I had no clue until I googled for a cool image by using the exact term "Kiss My Swag" like I would usually do for any of my posts...
Guess what pops up...
Like the worst damn nightmare outta the pits of hell...
CIARA
Lyrics for fuckin KISS MY SWAG from her recent album Fantasy Ride.

Imagine my embarrassment.
I wouldn't know this coz really I don't listen to Ciara but who's gonna believe that! It really is what it is. I look like I bit something when really I just had the same idea. Why would I floss about coming up with it if I knew that it was not really my own and somebody was bound to pick it up coz they are dodge enough to buy that album.

Anywho... long tale short, I only really feel bad that she came up with it first. So much for being original and creative. And now I'ma have to say great minds think alike. Mm... I looked at her lyrics and really you can tell from my examples that I made it up... well sorta.You can't really go to the moon with the definition. It's pretty much the cooler version of kiss my ass! And we all know what that means!

I don't think that I'ma stop using it. Coz I just think it's that dope! Believe what you want! Bt if you've read this blog, you know I don't lie. Ait. I believe in truth and that;s why I'm sharing this stoopid story. Really... SOML. (Story of My Life.)

so I guess I inadvertantly kissed her swag in this instance. Goodness, not happy about that!

I'm a writer NOT a biter! for myself and others.

Just sorry that I'm making some people swallow their props.. people liked it. So if they didn't even know about this damn song... how can I be expected to?!
Coz I work in radio?! Nigga please! KMS!

Besides I'd rather correct myself instead of hve some dumbass get on a high horse and finally have a reason to tune me shit.

But maybe, just maybe, great minds think alike. And maybe I should give Ciara a chance. And maybe it's ok to have the same ideas. They all do come from the same Script-Writer. Plus everything happens for a reason... so let's look to the bigger picture. It's all in the execution at the end of the day. So I'm use it the way I had planned. And if you don't like it, you can simply KISS MY SWAG!

Day 108-111: Shut Up, Just Shut Up Shut Up...

Back in high school, I dated some triflin' niggas. Popular but hella dodge tertiary guys who would cheat on me. And my fellow female pupils would be more than happy to let me in on my boyfriends' indiscretions. Coz that's how real it would get in high school. Women-on-women violence. But they would be the first to hook up with him straight afterwards despite his shady track-record. Or worse still, these girls would knowingly hook up with dude even though they knew he was unavailable...

I wish I could take the moral high ground in comparison to my boyfriends. But nah... I was only slightly better because I kept my indiscretions a secret. I never got bust. So not only did their cheating give me a legit reason to get out of a disastrous pseudo-relationship that was only wasting my (air-)time, but it also made me look like the poor victim. Aargh shame for me. In my mind, it didn't really matter what the situation really was... as long as dude felt bad and I came out smelling like roses. There really was no reason for me to tell dude that while he was messing around, so was I... It's fine. Let him think he's a piece of shit cheat. No skin off my nose coz he been a piece of shit. I won't lie, I would get upset. Mostly out of embarrassment and humiliation. Egocentric B.S that would not let me help him downplay his guilt... In fact, let's not tarnish my good image... I figured it's always better to appear to be the victim instead of the wrong-doer. Nobody likes the wrong-doer... Plus, I couldn't begin to have dude look at me the same way that I looked at him... Yeah... Like a piece of shit cheat! Lol!

All these experiences taught me one thing. Don't ever be naive enough to think that whatever you're doing on the down-low is not being done by your significant other. That's how karma works ... So it's a big deal for me to be involved and not cheat. A sorta growth and maturity of sorts. But with so many opportunities to do so, I'm sure that Shorty is facing extensive temptation of his own on the daily... Now we don't all go through the same rite of passage, so goodness knows if he been resisting.

Hence my sheer reluctance to trust a nigga. Even the one I'm seeing. Especially when he keeps fueling my paranoia... On Friday, he ignored my calls and texts. The following morning, he tried to feed me some cock-n-bull story about his phone dying. Like honestly. I was not having it. I hate being lied to but what I hate more is an apology that is accompanied by a lie. Yho! That grates my tits. What's also bad is how I've told him before if something is going on- tell me. Don't make me wait like a crazy person. Or worse- don't fuck up and think you can fix it in the morning!?

So you think I'm gullible and stoopid?! Fine. Then leave me alone in my gullibility n stoopidity coz I really ain't gotta deal with this shit.

I wonder will Shorty n I ever go a mere seven days without fighting? It's becoming such a drag. I hate repeating myself to a grown man as though I'm involved in dog-training. Oh hell no! I really dunno what can fix this but my head ain't over there right now. I gots a show in the early hours of Monday morning. Another reason why I'm so annoyed. This nigga is fucking with my focus... I should just knock him out like Charles Hamilton. His inconsideration shows jus how self-involved he is. Like dude... The world does not revolve around you! And maybe that's been my fault... You write a coupla posts about dude, he begins to feel and act as though he rules your world. F-off!

Well, I'm obviously peeved. But like I been saying, anger ain't a real emotion. I'm hella disappointed and disheartened. And I hate to say it, especially after the other day... A part of me has to laugh at that though... How fuckin unoriginal... A nigga trippin afterwards... Well that's what you get huh... Oh well... Dirt off my shoulder!

As much as I mean that... I realise that this is merely the price of caring for somebody. You become vulnerable to being hurt. Like I just heard on Grey's... Making friends makes for another loss along the way...

On to something a lil more constructive... I'm beginning to feel those nerves again, even though my show is like twelve hours away. I so need to bring it this time... Here's to some good post-show news!

Day 93-103: Magic Moments Part II

Since Monday, I been spending every second day just catching up on sleep because every other day is spent awake for at least 24 hours. It's the most insane but exhilarating experience. Finally, our time to be on air has come. As luck would have it... but...er... I don't believe in luck so as it was written...I'm the second last to go on air, on Wednesday 20 May, as per the 4AM-5AM schedule. To date I have read news twice (once on the first day, Tues 12 May and another on Thurs 14 May because the dude that was supposed to was otherwise occupied. Score for me really so I didn't mind absconding on my content production role for the few minutes that a coupla news bulletins take up. Besides, I gots to practice and get used to speaking out loud on the new mics).

My attention has really been on my exam and of course the on-air stuff. Constantly planning links and thinking of ways to make exciting radio. You may be half-asleep during 4AM and 5AM but really I gots no business contributing to that state of mind.

So what's my plan? Well, the words of the Programming Manager keep ringing in my head. Keep your links sweet and short and punchy. But so far, everybody has done the exact opposite. I can understand their thought-process though. They want to impress with humorous, interesting banter. The more you talk, the bigger the chance to be impressive and likewise, the larger the opportunity to suck. That's when the heartburn hits my chest! But really, I gots to know how to take direction, right. So I'ma have to keep my words to a minimum. Think Ryan Seacrest's slickness and swag on the mic. Dope/Doe Boy Fresh (DBF)! I want that to be me! I plan to be exciting, spunky and all up in your face! Make you wanna get up without saying too much and I figure if I can manage that then I'm legend!


But of cos, I'm beginning to doubt myself. Hella nervous! I can't wait to rock my hour but then again, I could totally wait out of sheer anxiety.

Meanwhile back at the ranch... Shorty and I had yet another fight, at the beginning of last week, over the same tired topic... There I was minding my own business on Tuesday, keen to go on study leave, glad to have finished my SAMAs piece when The Girls walked in and one of them told me how she had witnessed Shorty in a shady, compromising situation at some night-spot during the weekend.

I felt the tears sting the back of my eye-balls as she spoke about this floozy that had her arms around him and was kissing his neck. The disgust welled up in my stomach, followed by sheer self-disappointment. How can you be so stupid, I asked myself. I was so sick and tired and pissed at the timing that I typed up a text and actually sent it this time. Because of my self-blame, it was rather mild-mannered. I wasn't about to scream n shout n curse coz in my head, there would be no point coz clearly this ain't the first time. Clearly I been gettin played. So I just told him that I can't deal with all these stories of him entertaining groupies so we should just end this. He called. I switched off my phone. I won't lie but I was rather pleased that he was appearing to be freakin out but at the same time, I thought, he only ever takes me seriously when I'm at the door with my suitcase packed! I also tried to think how he would explain his way out of this one. I thought how blind am I. How stoopid must I be. How pathetic. How retarded. Like what am I waiting for- to find him in bed with somebody else? All these questions but only one answer. Go study!

Well, that was not about to happen. Well not that day. Instead I texted him again to say I wasn't tryna be rude but I know that if we talk, he's just gonna sweet-talk me out of my decision. He was actually rather mad and frustrated. From the sounds of the voice-messages that he left, demanding that I answer my phone to the texts that said he was tired of explaining himself and that we were over before we even begun (becaus of all these stories I was being fed). That stung. But that's one thing you will always receive from anger. It will make people show another side to themselves. It may be the truth or a defence mechanism. Either way, it has the potential to have some devastating repercussions.

In fact, in the midst of our heated text chat, I was having flashbacks of the last such chat I had with my BFF from varsity who hooked up with my ex flame behind my back and then turned around and accused me of jealousy when I condemned her actions. After that, I didn't see how we could ever be friends again because she just didn't get it. She was not sympathetic towards my feelings or even empathetic. It was all about her and I had to just accept her skanky behaviour. She even went on to say that she didn't even really like me and that I can only wish I was like her and no amount of therapy could fix me. That hurt because I was in therapy following my grandmother's death.... That comment proved to be the nail in the coffin! (Therapy proved to be the catalyst for my path to self discovery actually... but I digress...)

My text chat with Shorty could've easily gone that route and I could hate him right now but we handled it. And I think that's because we were both not ready to walk away. Not yet. Not now. Although I was not about to admit it at that point... I did all but beg him to confess instead because I needed to know that was not walking away from this because of a really dumb reason. Whatever that could be. Yes, I kept hoping for some sort of explanation that would make me nod my head feverishly and say 'ah yes, that explains it all.'

And then the magic moment came...

Day 79-80: Make Your Mark!

Disclaimer: South Africa is currently at the height of election fever so be prepared for a few too many election puns... Let's go! But now that I'm fully conscious of not tryna slip one in, I bet I'll have none... Um... Forget I said nothing...

Meanwhile back at the ranch...

Shakespeare said that 'some men are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.'

I figure that Shakespeare was born great or maybe even just achieved greatness. But you must be hella special from birth to have the whole world consider you the greatest writer that ever lived. I wonder if he realised his worth or even struggled to make sense of his thoughts... You think he ever suffered from writer's block and if so, how did he curb it? Or maybe he experienced the exact opposite, an overwhelming array of thought... What about his confidence? Did he ever doubt his gift or his work? Or did he just do what comes naturally?

Doesn't it in many ways, read like the Benjamin Button story? Benji was born old, hella special but does that neccesarily equal great? Or was greatness thrust upon him?


I figure I'm one of those people that's has to toil through the mud, fight off the flies just to achieve the greatness... So I can't be surprised when many people view my blog as though it's the pscho ramblings of a desperately lonely, unispired individual...

I hear that the nosy newsroom been discussing the particulars of my blog. They tryna figure who is who. I guess the pseudonyms aren't as obvious as I thought.

Either way, Brandy figures that I should be careful about what I put up coz all kinds of people are getting an insight into my life.

There really is no way that I'm shutting down this blog. When I write my posts, I really don't consider the audience. Yes, I realise that I share some hella personal details and inner most thoughts but it is what it is. And I figure that anybody on any self-discovery journey appreciates the honesty coz we all experience drama in our lives.

Yes, I'm honest. Maybe a lil too honest. But where's the line? I'd rather be over the top I guess. Truthfully, I'd rather be laughed at for being honest than be honoured for buying face.

Go hard or go home! That's my word. What's meant to be will be. Many people been tryna tell me that I should not just focus on being a DJ and should instead set my eyes on something that will get my foot in the door. I dunno hey. I gots my eye on the ball and I ain't tryna settle for second best. Aim for the moon so that you when you fall you can land on a star.

We've been covering the elections and chasing stories. It's been hectic. I rather enjoyed being out on the field, writing stories from there. That was fun and intense. Hella exciting. And that feeling that I live for, that excitement was rushing through my body. Loved it! But I know that being a DJ is ten times that so I can I possibly settle... mmm... so why am I settling when it comes to a man... Good Question... Will tackle that later...

Day 71-72: Spear-o-damus

Whenever you are just about to go on your periods, life sorta colludes in making the PMS that much more potent.

My gal,Ms Fabulous,was kind enough to let me in on a little secret. Albeit five days later. As Mother Dearest would say, 'molato ga o bole'. The spelling is probably incorrect but the Tswana loosely translates into 'a problem never rots/goes bad no matter how long it's been there'. She often says it when we are watching a soapie or those Forgive and Forget type shows when the victim finally gets retribution or more specifically, the evil woman gets bust for all her plotting. The idiom couldn't be more fitting right now, with nearly a week having passed.



It turns out that Shorty was all cuddly-couple on Thursday at Mos Def. And I have a sneaky suspicion that this is the same short shorts Miss Thang from that one do we attended together, end of last month. Remember he disappeared for a minute. And had some cock n bull story to go with it.

On top of that, this chick was apparently using my digicam to snap pictures with him! So that would explain why he still hasn't returned the cam coz it's probably still filled with incriminating evidence. It's actually quite pitiful. Besides being filled with his indiscretions, the cam also probably has some dope pics of Thursday's performances... But this numb-nut can't begin to share these coz Miss Thang will probably wonder where the rest of the luvey-dovey pictures are.

Dirt of my shoulder. Finally the tongue-burn has occurred. About damn time. And again, thank goodness, I never gave it up. To think I felt bad for comforting FFB coz of his ailing aunt meanwhile, Mr Man is playing with my feelings. Ait. I been helping get his stuff together, offering some advice, only to be repaid like this.

But now that nigga got my shit. My camera. My charger and plug. My jersey. My lip-gloss. Lol... Dude, this would explain why he didn't want me to go fetch his phone when he had forgotten it in the car, on Sunday. His guilty conscious. I wouldn't have looked through it but I guess he would rather be safe than sorry. With my luck, it probably would've rang in my hands.

Now, I hate to say I told you so. But I did. I been saying that something's off. That I don't trust this nigga. Now I know. So my gut is working. Relief. Thank goodness it ain't paranoia. I really couldn't deal.

What's worse is that I'm apparently the other woman, [yet again! After specifically telling this nigga that I don't want drama. Ya neh. So much for respecting my quest for truth]. This chic is apparently widely known as his girlfriend. Classy. Poor chick. Poor me.

Yeah, that's enough self-pity. In fact, I ain't privy to any. I knew. I did. You probably knew too. I broke every rule of the how to tell that 'He's Just Not That Into You' list by listening to him claim to be digging me, missing me, trusting me... And most of all being single and tryna see where we go. I listened to him. Instead of my gut.

I'm tired. Absolutely exhausted. This nigga managed to play me despite my best intentions. So it is kinda like Paul again. In fact it is. I trusted somebody who is clearly not to be trusted. Dude! And how many times did I tell him that honesty is the single most important thing to me? Oh but he made so much effort to see me? Ms Fabulous says that playas get off looking as though they put in some effort. It ain't nothin but a thing to them. I'm easily impressed, clearly. I mean he saw this chic Thursday night only to call me the following day and hang with me that night. And Sunday night. He apologised for not doing so yesterday. Wow. And drive me home. And pick me up.

So now that we know he's triflin', do we call him and scream into the phone? Nah, not my style. Anger ain't a real emotion. I'm hurting. Down but not out. So I need to chill. This been going on for a minute so what's it gonna hurt to only voice my hurt later? Coz I may be nicer later? Nice ain't truth when I really just wanna hang him by his fat-ass.

Not my style either. Any guy that deserves to make you feel like literally killing him, doesn't deserve your time. You giving him way more attention than he deserves so walk away.

So my way of venting is blogging coz life will sort him out. It ain't my steez to teach a grown man. It took a lot for me to call him today and not call him a big fat liar. I played it cool and even cold but requested that he please bring my cam back coz I need it. Bull. He promised tomorrow. I just wanted to get off the phone quickly so it completely slipped my mind to ask him to drop my stuff off with security if he happens to go past the office tonight.

I'm not up to seeing him. I'm hella disgusted. The thought of second base is even having the opposite effect. Not even a lil smile.

So how am I gonna deal with this? If the opportunity presents itself, I'll tell him what I know and that I'm out. Either way, by reading this, he'll know that I'm done. Peace nucca!

Day 53: The Morning After The Night Before...

I've been meaning to discuss this but other facets of my life been rather pressing.... But here it is... Finally...

For the most part, the Thursday lectures are the highlight of my week from an academic point of view. Today, the topic of subconscious crutches perked my interest. I know I 'um' and 'er' alot. Hardly ever in general (I think) but especially on air. It's the price of being ill-prepared when you switch on that red light...

It's also the plight of my approach. I take on radio, in the same manner that I would take on writing. Raw, uneducated and hella ignorant. Now that I'm learning all these various techniques, I'm starting to wonder if I'm up to it... Perhaps even my writing skills need some refinement. I mean even the grandest of singing talents take voice-coaching lessons.

This self-doubt isn't as bad as it was a month ago but it's still as frustrating as the urge to pee. The difference between writing and radio is that the lil gems that I create can be edited and refined when doing the former but with the latter, if you flub it up once, you're done. You must get it right every time. It's no longer funny on your second attempt.

As much as I think that scripting an entire three-hour show would make things run smoother, I'm really not all that acquainted with my wit and sense of humour. I even suprise myself and laugh at myself.... [Like Weezy would say, 'I should throw myself a suprise party for every line'] 'Oh, you're hilarious', I'll say to myself... Nine times out of ten the really funny stuff is not planned and when it is, it's not nearly as ticklish. So I can't script coz my organised-humour sucks balls! Yes, I haven't tried but not the point right now!

Wait... actually, come to think of it, when I write articles, I'm hella funny... And for the most part, an article is 'planned' ie done in advance. It's not like they publish the very first draft that very day, that very moment as you write it. So maybe scripting is just lil articles in one.... Mm... I just had an aha-moment whilst typing this. With this blog, I always publish the first draft and edit it here and there. But mostly grammar and such, hardly ever chunks of text. I think a different approach maybe needed for the on-air product. Shorty figures the scripting does not have to be hella detailed. Key-words may work better. I concur. Maybe a mixture of both. Coz most of the time with scripts, whatever you plan to say, you never do. That on-air button throws you right off. But maybe in between the 'ums', I'll remember the prep and do it some justice.

Well, I'm gonna freak out, maybe I should try meditation instead....

Goodness I'm so excited about going on air soon. I'm hella keen to not only prove myself but also apply what I've learnt...

Last week, we were encouraged to research our listeners and also go figure what makes you distinct, unique, different! Everyone can back-announce, id the station and ride off a 'good radio voice' but really what makes you stand out from that 'I WANNA BE ON RADIO' crowd??!

Armed with a pen, I picked the brains of Lil Sis, Ma, my cousin, some fellow interns, Shorty and FFB (writing out 'Footsie-Footsie Boy' takes forever! Yes, I'm well-aware that the acronym amounts to BFF backwards. How appropriate. Shame that nigga is dope! Too bad he says he ain't tryna be friends coz I think we could totally be best buddies! Oh well...)

Once I got the feedback, I compared it to my own list of the things I reckon I'm good at. Um... Not many people said 'funny'. Hella disappointing. Instead straight-forward, assertive, opinionated, self-absorbed came up....
Nice... So the listeners are gonna love to hate me!

Saw Shorty yet again. We went, or rather, he went shopping again and I tagged along... but more about that later. We didn't kiss. Goodness, we didn't even hug. Like I've said before, this is like high school luvin'! I won't be suprised if we don't kiss again until next month. Ok ok I'm probably pushing it.... But I'm jus saying though...

A mutual girl friend of ours apparently hit the roof when she saw an fb message that I had sent him. She claimed me to be 'her territory' thus he should stay away. Funny coz she BEEN dating my ex on some clandestine tip. So why the hell is she catching feelings!? Actually, we long figured that she BEEN feelin Shorty for a minute... Like most psychos do... Never a dull moment in that nigga's life!

Day 50: Suprise Surprise...

Cause everybody knows/ That nobody really knows/ How to make it work/ Or how to ease the hurt/ We've heard it all before/ That everybody knows/ How to make it work/ I wish we gave it one more try...

I was hoping that today's blog wouldn't even sniff at Shorty. But alas... Bear with me though. This won't be as long-winded coz I'm just so deflated... Shorty suprised me by 'bumping' into me today... Even 'Alicia Keys' said we suit eachother... That was the good part... My guy friend, whom Miss Thang confided in, is convinced that I'm being played. Not-so-good part! Well, he may have the most complicated love-life, next to mine but I still respect his opinion. I'm well aware just how illogical and irrational emotions can make one, no matter how much one trusts What's-His-Face. My buddy figures that 'There's no smoke without fire!'.... After spending fifty days in the cut-throat setting of Northern Joburg, I know that not everyone is normal. They lie, cheat, steal, screw around to get their way. I also know that you can't trust anybody. Even if that somebody is highly convincing, complete with heavy emotion and threatening remarks. Everyone's on Broadway! Shorty once said he doesn't wanna confront Miss Thang coz it'll turn ugly (like her... Lol). She apparently declared that I better leave her man alone or else... 'Oh, you jus mad coz I'm stylin' on ya!...'

This all makes me think of MacBeth and how ambition turned him into a murderous monster... Is it worth it? I mean, is it worth it to bear the brunt of somebody's determination... Shouldn't I just step out the way?

Back to my point.... There's no smoke without fire? Or is there? Shorty may claim to be the victim of defamation and goodness knows that I would love to believe that with all my heart... But if he is being honest then naturally or even far-fetchedly so, it follows that Jacob Zuma really could be the victim of a heavy conspiracy...? An underground movement that is keen to see him go down. He may not have done anything, even remotely wrong. He may just have gotten in the way of a hectically motivated individual... Can life be that bizarre? Or are the facts that simple... And the truth hardly complicated... Short of calling on a Sherlock Holmes and flipping through some phone records or even Shorty's phone, I have no way of proving anything without becoming psycho myself... I only have my gut feel... Is it worth it to deal with so much drama? Juliette got herself killed coz of it...

Good dude/ Bad night/ Right place/ Wrong time/ In the blink of an eye/ His whole life changed/ If you could feel how my face felt/ You'd know how Mase felt/ Thank God, I ain't too cool for the safe belt...

Last year, Paul cheated, towards the end of our first month together. He kept it up for a few weeks. I only found out a month later. My gut failed me. Atleast that's how I felt. Cheated. Absolutely swindled. Fooled. Stoopid. Hella betrayed. All that security and validation that a woman works so hard to achieve within a relationship, all shattered. Broken as though it never ever existed. As though I had imagined it all. And in many ways, I had. It was all in my inflated head. Hubristic [New word from Grey's lol] coz I thought he was so whipped. I wasn't bothered into paying any real attention to our relationship. I didn't have to work at it much coz I felt that he couldn't be anymore impressed with my persona. Pride comes before a fall hey... Besides I was way too caught up in my job. My relationship amounted to rent-a-friend. Someone that's there to fill up the moments when you aren't working, sleeping, eating, washing up, reading... So maybe my gut didn't fail me. Maybe there was no smoke but a massive fire that I was too self-involved too notice...

I dunno... I really don't coz when I was in it, I really did feel like an active (ok maybe only 60% active) part of the relationship. Because of that balls-up, I'm a lil more cautious... I'm scared that this time, my gut may 'fail' me again. I may be so into this guy that I wouldn't recognise Deception even if he came up and dislocated my other shoulder...

Aaaaaargh! So now what?

No answers there. Footsie-Footsie Boy got a new ride and he's keen to do movies this Thursday... Complete with a ride home... Full steam ahead... I'm hella chaffed, dunno if I'll do it though... My ex has also been 'checkin on me'... Dunno hey... Moved on and moved up... Lol... My long-lost-love-from-another-life-time, Bots-Boy, who I have yet to meet, f-b'd and it turns out that he's been reading my blog... He and other folks too... I know I wrote this so that y'all could read it but really, I'm hella freaked by all the people that do take the time to read this soap-opera. Dankie baie!

I really wish work was more interesting, at the moment so that I could stop writing about men... It makes me feel so flat to be gaaning aan about one and the same subject! But it is what it is/ And the way it is/ Is kinda fucked up!

Day 47: It Doesn't Rain, It Flash-Floods!

Oh you're the reason why I'm thinking/ I don't wanna smoke on these cigarettes no more/ I guess that's what I get for wishful thinking/ Shoulda never let you enter my door/ Next time you wanna go on and leave/ I should just let you go on and do it/ It's not amusing like I believe...

It may have been the end of the week but Friday was not about to go out quietly. In fact, Friday the 13th was a week late and fiercer than it's ever been.

Not only was my direct Rosebank taxi taken off the rank coz there were hardly any people to take it but once in the Alex taxi, it took us over half an hour to get onto the highway because of some or other Metro Police detour! Good times!

Not that I'm condoning the measures that Taxi-drivers resort to in order to not 'waste' time but really if it wasn't for those 'reckless' offenders, I'd get to work, much much later. Well, today we got one of the conservative, ol fashioned types with countless peek-a-boo's of grey on his head. This driver was not tryna break the law so I took the time to catch up on some sleep... While the other passengers, called in late.

Once in Joburg, I could see a mother of a cloud hanging over Sandton City. Funny coz the highway was only partly cloudy with some sunshine, creating one hella false sense of security for the me and my naked calves!

The script-writer/director finally cued the rain. And I mean rain! One moment it was sunny, the next it was hailing hard. So hard that water was splashed into the taxi when a car drove past. That's when many wished they had called in sick instead. Couldn't believe the amount of water. Visibility was to the minimum and getting off the taxi was like crossing a river. As much as I have been ignoring 'The Inconvenient Truth', can't help but reckon that we experienced the price of Global Warming...

By the time we got to my stop, the rain had stopped and the risk of flash-floods had greatly subsided. In less than thirty minutes. But it was way after nine! Luckily I'm currently in a lax department. Nobody raised an eyebrow.

I tried not to think about what's-his-face but my crappy morning had spun me straight into a messed up mood, compounded by his stubbornness and lack of compassion! So I was hella sad especially when I was recounting last night's events to 'Rihanna'. Oh, I think it's officially over between Lover and me. We haven't communicated all week basically. So I'm pretty much single, for real, for real. Maybe Shorty trippin is a good thing... I can get my focus back. Men are stoopid! I've decided! Here I am... Fighting love again... Oh well... I'll be fine. This isn't a first. Men BEEN stoopid. The next one just better be less stoopid!

Day 46: Really now?! Really... No... Seriously!?

It's funny how just when you are attempting to avoid Drama... She comes knocking at your door in a pair of cheap heels, a mop of plastic hair, a face plastered with unflattering make-up... 'Loud as a motor-bike but couldn't bust a grape in a fruit fight' Looking like a trashy, hot, ghetto mess! It's nasty. And the heffa ain't even embarrassed.... Stoopid girl!

Or maybe I'm the stupid one. How can Shorty come with so much drama in a matter of days... And it's not just Miss Thang and her 'I'm tryna jack her man' allegations, he is also hella sensitive and moody and impatient and always ready to flip. Is it not simpler to just engage with unavailable men? I mean in that sorta situation you don't have to deal with a nigga's PMS! You focus on the good times coz they are few and far between.

Because of an RSVP'ing miscommunication, he couldn't get in so I couldn't get in to an industry event. This translates into a worse date than the previous one. Whoever thought that was possible?! Dude!

This nigga got so mad that he hardly spoke to me during the trip home. IT WAS SO AWKWARD... I tried to sleep through it but couldn't manage. I tried to find the words so that we can atleast begin to resolve the issues... Ko kae!?! He was not having it... I hated feeling like I gotta walk on egg-shells... I'm never afraid but every time we have some sorta confrontation, he brings up stuff that never seemed to bother him before! Or stuff that's flat out me! Like how I tend to exaggerate out of jest and even call him an ass! Dude! Now he has a problem with that! He even flipped when I rubbed his arm.... So I'm dealing with two psychos at the moment... I really wasn't tryna deal with that especially after another crappy date! Pretoria has never seemed far away...

When its good, its fantastic. When its bad, its hell and it's only been a coupla weeks.... I'm not aiming to get involved into a psycho affair. He better ship up or I'll ship out!

He didn't even reply to my text, hoping that he had a safe trip. Whatever! Like I said to him, it makes no sense that when I'm away from him, I miss him so much. But when we together, its like this?! Wtf! Smh!?
Cue Ne-yo's Mad...

Oh that dreaded Q came up... From him... What is this? What's going on between us? I said, isn't it too early to be labelling this....?!
He concurred... Good answer he said.... Kiss my ass! As far as I'm concerned, hooking up with a guy that acts like a snot-nosed six year-old is not on my to-do list.

Day 44-45: Part2 - Sunshine promises rain...

Tuesday was the big day and before I knew it, I had to start heading off to Hyde Park. One of my BFF's who had actually suggested me for the job, to the powers that be, called to check on my state on mind. She also mentioned one possible obstacle. My lack of mobility. It wasn't til she mentioned that, that my proposal lost its lustre and appeal. And I left, near complete deflation.

Once in the boardroom, the HR chic was in another meeting and thus couldn't be part of the panel. SCORE! And I was with some familiar friendly faces... Gotta love the sling! And my charm... Lol... Who am I kidding... My legs had adopted a life of their own... Shaking uncontrollably... But really, it went well... And from what I heard, they are looking for someone just like me... That lives the brand and is looking to forge relationships...

My life's about to get complicated... I think... But what's new!? I mean, I hate to count my chickens before they hatch but really....
Ok... Once back at the Zone, I head to Clicks for my flu shot. The nurse was a lil peculiar. She took the injection out the packaging and then started looking for some document. Meanwhile the naked needle is hazardedly pointed up. This went on for a good 5 minutes and I started to wonder about its hygiene. She must've read my mind coz she mentioned how she was still recovering from a car accident which would explain her rather odd behaviour. I was relieved?! Not even. But then she stuck the needle in and it was over. The quick band-aid rip-off trick. I got my free supply of vitamin C and as I was about to leave, she mentioned family-planning. First consult for 50 bucks... Um, thanx... I swear this woman is psychic!

Back at the office, music department, still not bumping. I was not missed. We did a recording for the teaser campaign with the official voice. Twas dope to hear some of my liners come to life.

As we came out the studio, at about 2pm, I see that Shorty is around. I decide to white-flag it and go say hi. And the butterflies zinged with energy as he hugged me and his hand lingered on my lower back. ST! ST! ST! Now there's a reason to stick around....

We duked it out. Cleared the air. He didn't come through coz he had to clean his sneakers. How disconcerting. I said as much. Furthermore, brightspark had forgotten about our date.... Disturbia...

But after I had made myself heard, I let it go. Coz he makes me feel that good... Without even tryin... I'm sucha pushover! If I didn't know better, I'd say I was whipped... Despite the crap that people are saying about him... Not that I'm discounting it... I really dunno who to trust but what I know for sure is what I feel for him... And how he makes me glow... So for now, illogically enough, everybody else can kiss my ass! Like the song says.... SO WHAT!?

The drive to the State Theatre took forever so we arrived late. They wouldn't let us in and he took it quite badly. The good thing is that we spent the time in traffic talking and I even told him about Lover. But wait for it... He already knew... Somebody who I thought was a friend, beat me to it, despite being aware that I was reluctantly planning on doing exactly that, on Saturday already. She also told him that he should stay away from me coz I'm hectic! What!? Our theory is that she feelin him! Well, join the queue Heffa! Needless to say that I ain't talkin to her as much anymore. But I ain't gonna confront her... Funny, she's the one that was advising me to stay away from him. What? Did she think we don't talk!? Stoopid girl!

He was still hella shocked by my confirmation of the Lover story so I'm glad I could clear it up... After being bounced from the theatre, we decided to head to Hatfield which was packed on a Tuesday night!? What kind?! So we found no parking and headed to Brooklyn. It started to rain. Co-fi was empty and I thought it a good idea to drink something on an empty stomach... Needless to say T-Pain started singing 'Tipsy'... Luda belted out 'One More Drink' and Jamie and I 'Blamed it' on the alcohol as I embarrassingly pulled in for a kiss only to be met with a big fat no entry sign. The date turned awkward right there.... Me and my stupid urges.... I was so embarrassed. And when he dropped me off, we discussed it. He likes to digest while I like to do. We are hella different. I'm not used to this...

Oh, he also figures that our butterflies are only different in the sense that, if we got a chance to be alone, we'd go buckwild... Lol... How comforting... It's his birthday next week... So who knows...

It must be criminal to write so much about a nigga but I'm enjoying getting to know him so much that I gots to share... Hopefully, the next post won't be so obsessive... Hopefully, the next date won't get rained out...

P.s. How dope is it that we have yet to kiss? No thanx to me. But nevertheless the case... By now, I've already jumped a nigga.... Not that I haven't tried-Lol! But you know what I mean!