Day 67-70: Frontin'

I often blog, hoping to locate a resolution within the text. Especially when I'm struggling to express myself verbally, I find that writing organises the con-fuss-ion.

It's pretty much in the same vein as when I teach my Sunday School kids. By explaining to them, I grasp the concept better. Writing amounts to explaining to the self. No wonder school teachers often insist on pupils summarising study material into their own words. Coz you figure more via that method...

Where am I going with this?
Dunno really. I'm just hoping to figure out the Easter weekend.

The last time I blogged, I thought that Shorty and I we're pretty much nearing the end of our lil escapade. In fact, I still haven't resaved his digits [just in case I turn out to be right, I guess].
The irony is that his digits now appear on my screen more than they ever did.

That translates into two things...
1. It's a wonder that I don't know his number off by heart by now. But honestly I'm making a concerted effort not to commit the last seven digits to memory. My eyes merely scan over them.
2. Somebody been reading the blog and stepped it up. Well, he admitted as much. But before we tackle that...

I was more than prepared to have to walk away. Well, my defences were/are up. And I was hella impressed with myself for having not gotten hectically physical with him. In over a month, in fact only recently, have we gotten as far as second base. That's huge for me. This whole thing is hugely different. But question is, is it good different or bad different? Now that he's putting in some effort, I really dunno what to think or feel. Does it really amount to effort or merely convenience? I mean it's not like he's going out of his way.

I don't think I like him any less but I'm still not sure if he really likes me period. Which makes me less enthusiastic. To the point where I wonder why he bothers.

Honestly I just have a wierd feeling that something's off. I only have this feeling. So I can't get serious or be serious about this. That would be dumb. I'll hang with the nigga but I ain't expecting the moon or stars. Just a good time. Like Carev [from Grey's] said, 'if it works out, great. If not, it's ok, I'll get over it. I always do!'

That pretty much sums up the past few days. I'm less than impressed by his inability to let me know when he's delayed or caught up. It feels disrespectful. In fact it reminds me of my hip hop ex. He simply was never aware of the time as far as I was concerned. In his head, it was ok to completely disregard my feelings and make me wait. Wtf? So I kicked him to the curb on numerous occasions after he pleaded for forgiveness on numerous occasions. In fact, I haven't spoken to that nigga since the beginning of the year.

Another thing that's of concern is Shorty's near discomfort around me. He ain't completely relaxed.


Oh, it tears me up/ I tried to hold on but it hurts too much/ I tried to forgive but it's not enough/ To make it all okay...
You can't play on broken strings/ You can't feel anything/ That your heart don't want to feel/ I cant tell u something that ain't real/ The truth hurts/ A lie's worse/ How can I give anymore/ When I (like) you a lil less than before...

And maybe that's the basis for my doubt. But how do I explain that or draw some answers out of him. Even though he claims to be reading this blog, he was not about to discuss it. And I was not about to push for that. He says he's a man of few words. I think he just doesn't want to hurt me. Yet, he's often said that if he didn't wanna hang out, he'd let me know... So I'm back at square one, wondering what am I missing? What is it that isn't adding up? My gut is screaming something but what?

Is he maybe still in love with an ex? [he still ain't comfortable with us holding hands. Um we make out and then act like a plutonic couple afterwards? Huh!] What? Hence my detachment. If I'm detached then whatever bombshell that's about to explode will be relatively harmless...

You know what's funny, by now, with any other guy, I'd be wondering if we are like boyfriend and girlfriend now. My head's not there now. I'm still getting my head around understanding Shorty. That's more than enough to deal with. Plus, I rather like this taking it slow thing. It's teaching me patience. And wouldn't you know, my cursing has decreased a lot except in cases of ecstasy lol. Seriously.

You know what would suck is if I found out he was seeing other people behind my back. Ya know, second basing with other girls. Maybe that's what's up...

Okay, I know that I may have portrayed a gloomy picture but really it could be worse. We are getting along well for the most part. He's actually hella humorous. Perhaps even a little more sarcastic than me. Who woulda guessed... I'm enjoying getting to know him without the pressure. It's just not as black and white as I'm accustomed to. But it's also not entirely whack. It's um- friendship with perks?

Day 66: The Curious Case of KP-Spears...

Like I was saying... It's like losing two things in one day... Boys come at a dime a dozen so I can get over Shorty... A cool job at a multi-national is proving to be a lil harder to swallow. Not because I really wanted the gig at this very time but coz it's exactly like a romantic scenario... Boy meets girl. Boy likes girl. Girl still deciding but allows it. Boy goes out with girl. Girl begins to like Boy. Boy changes mind. Boy leaves girl. Girl heartbroken.

She wasn't really checkin for him. And now her plans are a lil haphazard now that it's over. But really, the retraction of the job offer amounts to such relief coz I really was so torn about which step to take... Now I ain't gotta decide... So Three words... SUCK IT UP! And forget the pay hike! There's a bigger plan... Door closed and another opened behind you. Now stop staring at the closed door and look around! Harder to apply, I know... But I know that the Script-Writer is one hella creative guy... And he has some sorta plan. He always does. That's the thing about good times... Even, they pass.

This is the part where you JUUUUST deal. I had yet another dosage of thought-provoking cinema today. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button left my soul reeling. All through that movie, I either cried or I thought to myself, how fortunate I am. It's a wonder that I don't consciously recognise every moment coz every single day the Script-Writer BEEN reminding me how good I got it.


Benjamin was born old. All wrinkly. He was born only to be expected to die of natural causes. Out of the womb into a death bed. And even though he appeared to be as old as the hills, he was only jus a boy inside. So a forced old soul. Or rather he was born to be an old soul... Or he was one through and through and his physicality just showed his insides in a sense. As he got older, he started to look younger. His features softened up and his hair got thicker. [Speaking of which, can I just say the Brad Pitt is the single hottest, most enchanting man, that side of the hemisphere....] So he started to look really really young. There's a scene where he looks like a college freshman but his eyes show that he's been through a lot and that he has sucha story to tell but his physicalities, again, don't reflect that. And I felt that frustration. That's probably one of the few moments that one is content with ageing but because of their physicalities, they can't help but feel the exact opposite. Nobody really embraces age for the very reasons that made Benjamin feel estranged and different. Now that was a solid Old Soul moment. Then he got to his early teens stage, acne and all but his memory was fading. And he said, 'I feel as though I should be remembering something...' now that had me bawling... All the way to the end. It was one of those, it's better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all. Or in this case, is it better to have lived than not to have experienced the curiosity that is life? Right at the end when the love of his life is now old and he has been reduced to a baby, she says that he looked her in the eyes and for the first time in a long time, she could see that he remembered their life together. And then he closed his eyes...for the last time. [insert flooding here... Ironically, the movie was also experiencing a hurricane]

I've always thought that babies have this thing. They know much more than they realise... Well, they know more than they would be able to articulate or even remember to share when they are eventually able to verbally express themselves. They often give you a knowing look and now I have a word for it... that was a 'Benjamin' moment.

So I finally got home. And then Shorty texted. I still haven't resaved his digits. Needless to say that I recognised them. Dammit! He claimed to be thinking of me. Yho Mr Smooth... Needless to say that he soften me up nicely... He hadn't been able to get the digicam earlier coz the newsroom had me running around in circles [which I absolutely loved! I'd rather be busy than be dealing with Heartbreak Hotel nonsense!] and my phone was on silent and so I missed all thirty thousand of his calls. By the time I had returned them, he was gone. But now he still needed the cam so we provided for another pick-up before the Easter weekend... What the hell am I doing? Oh... He did fail the test... Well, technically its not his fault coz the guy that hooked him up only had an extra one. I found it hilarious the way he explained the scenario considering I had merely asked if he was gonna be attending the Mos Def gig. I got more than a yes which made me think that he may be reading this blog... Ha ha... Or he just figured it out himself... Man, I'm obvious!

Again what am I doing? Oh Lover is alive and well.......... Nuff said about that subject the better... Coz we clearly got some spies up in this piece!

Day 64-65: What I Can't or Won't see...

Life is one big fat bitter-sweet moment. Often what tastes so good, can turn around and leave your mouth reeling. It's like chewing on that ol skool Wicks Bubblegum. It's all pink, sugary and gooey... Slippin n slidin all over the inside of your mouth. You basically chew your life away but it's not enough to keep it the gum in one spot so can't really feel that sweetness... And then the worst happens, just when you are getting the hang of it, your tongue gets in the way right in the middle of biting down hard... It's so sore that that the gum is now the worst thing you've ever had in your mouth... The absolute worst.... And you quickly spit it out, hoping that the pain will quickly subside. It finally does but now you have a gaping gash on your tongue. A reminder that you should've just taken your time.



Same goes for tongue burns. There's absolutely no good reason for them coz the very food that you were rushing to devour won't taste as good because your genetic taster is under going severe burns therapy. But all too often, I'll burn my tongue with tea just because I hate the taste of cold, even mildly warm, tea. Even at the expense of my super rockin tongue... Just this morning, I couldn't brush too hard over a certain spot....

My point is that I'm not so good with learning lessons. Even when I know that I'm in the middle of a tongue burning exercise, I'll still be hoping that the hot ham and melted mozarella won't scald my tongue even though I'm well aware that that's exactly what a freshly toasted sandwich does best.

It's almost as though, I prefer just finding out for sure... every single time! Isn't that insanity?!.... Like those women in the movie I watched today. 'HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU' made me remember what I always knew... That hot tea and Bubaloo bubblegum should be tackled at the consumer's own risk. Same goes for love. So maybe it is all fair in love [and war]. Haven't decided on the latter though.

Time for the truth. I really don't think that Shorty likes me all that much. At least not enough. I may have alluded to it in previous blogs but now my whole being is nodding in agreement and singing 'Praise Hallelujah!'.

Funny thing is that as I was typing this blog, he called... quick digression...

[I think I have some powers of some sort that make it possible to WILL him over. Earlier, just before the movie, I left the office for Nouveau. Once at the front of the line, after queuing for over 15 minutes, I realised that my massive handbag is carrying everything but my dam purse. So I call 'Alicia Keys' at the office, she has a look around and lo and behold, she spots it on one of the work desks. So I tell the cashier my situation and he promises me a free pass to the front ofthe line upon my return. I rush back to the office, get my purse but now I gots to pee. Been holding it in for a minute and in my rush to the cinema, I had avoided going to the toilet as not to waste any time and not be late for yet another movie. And as I sat on the toilet seat, I thought to myself... why are all these d8iversions happening? is the scriptwriter planning for me to bump into Shorty? "Oh hush, that's not possible, I thought to myself. Stop dreaming!" I thought to myself. So I grabbed my stuff and left. And as I'm saying goodbye at the door, he walks in. My heart stops. We exchanged a greeting and I left. oh he looked soooooo good! Anyway, I called him en route back to the cinema. He sounded less than excited. And I was happy that I had not bothered to shower him with attention just to be tacitly rejected. I'm feeling hella vunerable at the moment and I figure I gots to build up my defences.]

If he wasn't on MTN then I probably would not have recognised his number coz during the movie screening, I deleted every inch of him from my phone. So he calls right and I think to myself 'oh my gosh, I could be wrong about this one'... So I crossed my fingers and listened as he went into how he had called to check up on me and all that... At this point, I like a lil baby, all goo-gaa-gaa... Lovin the luv... The glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel! And then it went all dark again when... he asked me what time I'm coming in tomorrow. Now I'm thinking, he wants to come see me! Oh my gosh! But I kept it together... 'Why?' I asked coolly, keen to suppress any pre-mature joy...

And boy was it uncalled for coz he only wanted to know if he can borrow my digicam for the Mos Def press con tomorrow. I fought the urge to ask him if that was his sole intention for calling. A part of me is wishing that I had just asked but after the tense weekend and Monday [we fought about me being way too crude and rude after I made a comment about his dodgy looking friend on Saturday. Yho, he was basically screaming at me. Twas hectic. Yesterday, I thought for sure that he was gonna tell me that we should quit hangin out. He told me to cool it though. He says I'm the one complicating things. Right. Coz I'm the only one in this hey. I nearly walked away myself. But I kept my words to a minimum and let him blow his fuse. What came out of it is that we should be patient with each other and I should curb my vulgarity] that we had, I guess I'm hoping to be wrong about him one more time. Clearly I didn't get the premise of the movie. Or the very lesson at the beginning of this text.

Besides, I have one clear cut way of figuring this out. He has two tickets to the event on Thursday. Question is will he invite me? A no means curtains. A yes could mean a possible winner. My gut is telling me to be prepared for a huge disappoint. And after this weekend and yesterday, I'm about ready to be set free from the chains of this thing. Honestly coz I'm missing the good vibes. There's more bad than good and because of it, I ain't feeling the way I should. My gut is screaming 'run!'. My eyes are saying but 'He's so cute, don't be an idiot.' Oh well. We'll see what the future holds... Either way, I'll be ait. Maybe losing two things in one day is just ok.

Day 60-63: what now?!

The past few days have been hella taxing. Personally and professionally. Good and bad. The day after April Fools Day marked the end of a very dramatic two months. None of what has transpired on the road to 180 Days ever occurred to me as a possibility. Not even a remote one.

Before we tackle the present and what the remaining 120 may bring, let's recap...Lol!

So I broke up with my boyfriend at the beginning of the year, only to keep in contact well into the end of January. Cut off the communication on the day before I began this hot internship which was sure to be my ticket to a successful radio career (but I quickly realised that it wouldn't be as smooth a ride).

So there I was, competing for top honors with eleven other eager beavers at work and completely cut off from my ex-soul-mate. Ok maybe not completely but we certainly don't talk as much as we used to. Not even a fraction. Recently, it's hardly ever, which is good considering that by the second week of February, somebody new had caught my eye.

It was not the plan but a few niggas had caught my eye. From a light-skinned cutie at a campus radio staff party who managed to screw up my Valentine's Day with his 'ex'-gf drama to the excruciating baby-momma drama of an unavailable chocolate brotha with the sweetest, most sensitive n compassionate persona that I've ever seen. Sexual chemistry for days! Needless to say, Lover had to do him so I did me!

Even with my right arm in a sling, the world been to just shower me with excitement and I quickly shrugged off the tears for Lover. FFB (Footsie Footsie Boy) started to holla in between some fancy footwork. And so did a range of other men who were or are seemingly just interested in a fresh shag. And for that very reason, they are not worth a mention or a holla back.

Now you may wonder why there's hardly any mention of work. Honestly it was not half as exciting. Yes, I was in the thick of things, being inside the machine is nothing like being part of the machine. I'm learning all the technicalities but I really just wanna be a technicality! That's all I'm dying to do... Be on air again! So please don't think that I'm obsessed with the opposite sex coz quite the vice-versa is true... ha ha... And boy is it an ego-trippin experience...

But I'm hardly all about ego rubbing. Niggas come at a dime a dozen... Atleast that's what my head thinks... My heart is a lil more stubborn about accepting that notion.

So before FFB could up his game, Shorty entered the picture. During Lover's last days, Shorty had been an extra, somewhere in the background, quick to greet with nothing much to say. Once Lover was out the picture, Shorty quickly became a front-runner despite his dodgy pick-up lines... Out of nowhere, there was this affinity between us during the beginning of March. As much as I thought that my bleedin' heart was being provided with the best get-out-of-jail free card, I quickly realised that this convenience came with complications despite his single status.

In between his alleged ex-fling drama, psycho chick 'friends' and take-it-slow nonchalance, I struggled to figure if we were coming or going. I was also introduced to the world of delayed physical intimacy. Wow! So how do you tell if he likes you? You can't really! Well not in the typical way. Only way to say is by him spending time with you, I guess and perhaps his word. Faith, really. It's like believing in God. It's blind faith and probably the most terrifyingly naive n in depth.

My career has also been asking for some faith. A job offer has me reeling. It's a tremendous opportunity to infiltrate Marketing, an industry that I've always been fascinated in. But I'm wondering if I should pounce on it or not considering that I want to be on air! Will it be a lil detour or a blessing? I dunno. But I always figured that if an offer came through than God expects me to take it coz he provided it. He knows I wouldn't be able to say no. He knows that I wouldn't know what to do...

Short of Him talking to me... Directly... I really dunno but I'ma go with the above. It will be hard to leave but new adventures await... I was supposed to give an answer on Friday already but they have yet to furnish me with the contract terms. Plus, with the elections coming up, the interns been deployed to the newsroom after a hectic Saturday workshop which saw one of the interns, 'Alicia Keys' spit fire at the news boss, much to his disgust! It's pretty much down to eleven now.



I'm hoping that even if I leave, I'll still be granted an opportunity to go on air but what the chances... What am I losing out on here? That's the gamble! You dunno what you got til its gone...

Another possible loss could come in the form of Shorty. He ain't too happy with my attitude and demands an adjustment. I don't like to believe astrology but the claims surrounding the dynamics between an Aries man-FIRE and a Pisces woman-WATER, kinda explain why fight so much... To be contd...

Day 59: Sinful...

Today I auditioned for the newsreader position. And even went to the music committee meeting... Aah something to do... So I was glad to be a little constructive. It beats fighting the urge to pull my hair out. It beats dealing with the funny looks. It beats engaging in long-winded, unproductive skinner sessions. I'm done with that. So much so that it feels as though my brain is turning to mush.

I haven't written an article in so long. And when I do try, I only get as far as trying to apply all the stuff that I've been taught. Instead of applying the instincts of a God-given talent, I'm using my brain. A mind that's been, for the most part, jaded. I'm no longer the writer I was.... Um... Of cos I am but I'm having trouble balancing what comes easiest to me and the awesome lessons I've learnt. Price of immaturity or maybe 'WE DON'T NEED NO EDUCATION!'... Maybe somebody else's lessons are merely that... SOMEBODY ELSE'S... I mean who taught that person and the person before... Sorry I'm sounding like those philosophical stoner rebels without a cause... Not the intention... Just saying though....

Because of Shorty's unavailability, I had planned on going to a movie but he left hella late so I couldn't catch one... As I'm walking past the local watering hole, I see FFB and some other mutual acquaintances. He's keen to keep me company til nine so we hang. His plan is to blunt and get crunk... Not just coz that's what he does on a regular basis but also to lessen his hurt. His aunt aka second mom is literally on her death bed. So he's in a state plus work is hectic.... The timing couldn't be worse. And he ain't so good with sharing those kinda feelings... My heart bled for him.... Even when he was poppin pills... Dude!

I dunno hey... Where the hell am I... Where people are doing drugs... Willy nilly... Like it ain't no thing... Am I gonna become like that? Is this what they call the fast life in Jozi? I ain't keen then...