Day 06-24: Five Stages of Grief

When I'm nervous, I bite my nails. As I type this, my left thumb nail is in my mouth, scrapping up against one of my top front-teeth. The only reason why I have yet to nibble through it, is simple really. I hate, absolutely despise, the way my fingers look once I've demolished my nails. So I'd rather not. Even though I have every reason to...

This week has possibly been the best and worst week all wrapped in one... Tuesday was good as I got my drivers license... Finally. Truth is I've lost count as to how many times I've had to take a driving test. Think I lost count at five. And in all honesty, I'd rather not recount all those failed attempts. Getting my drivers was like getting my degree. Unbelievable freedom! Feel like I'm growing up... FAST!

Anybody that has conscious been through growing-pains knows that they are almost never pleasant. And in order for the good to feel half as awesome then you gotta have some bad times to supplement that. And boy did I get my fair share of shit this week. Let me indulge in some self-pity for a sec...

On my return from my one-day leave on Wednesday, I drove to work and got stuck in the worst kinda Pretoria-Joburg traffic. The kind that makes you wish so desperately that you lived in Joburg. Goodness knows, I've been looking for accomodation near work and now that I can drive my car legally, I can widen my geographical search for a Jozi home.

Well, all this home-hunting has to take place in between work. Now before I could get carried away, I was unfortunately stuck in traffic.So I wasn't gonna go far for a while. If anything, I was only succeeding in annoying my superior. Well, to be honest, she was annoying me with nonsensical emails about my tardiness (complete with my boss copied). So rich coming from the queen of african time!

However, that's no excuse for being late. I accept that. But bitchy emails do nothing to ease the congestion on the N1 North highway. Don't even get me started on my frustration. Unless I can learn how to drive like a taxi-driver, there's no way, I can get to work on time and avoid the clogging up of my inbox... So until I've moved to Jozi, I don't think that I'll be on time for work anytime in the near future especially with the never-ending rainy weather and continuous construction on the road. She'll jussss have to be strong!

Still on the subject of exasperating motha-truckers... Oh my gosh... Traffic is bitch. Bumper-to-bumper aint no joke. It's hella tiring. After all that driving, I wanna get to work and have a power nap! I need a place fast!

Meanwhile, the adventures of Kp and Cutie are feeling more and more like the five stages of grief. And I may have mentioned this before but it feels like we're about to reach a climax... I caught the season premiere of Grey's Anatomy today. And everybody was beat up over George's death. Meredith, the narrator, spoke of Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and finally Acceptance...

After hanging out with Cutie on Friday, I felt the way I usually felt after a typical night out with him. I felt more in love (can't believe that's still possible). I felt closer to him. I felt more heart-break at having to part ways. An overwhelming sadness...

As the five stages of grief we're discussed on Grey's, I automatically equated their loss of George, to mine. The loss of us, of Cutie. I've often thought that the only way to really get past this is to deal with it like death. Coz death leaves you with no options. Eventually, you must accept and carry on.

With a(n amicable) break-up, you may circle around various stages of grief, before you actually suck it up and get over it. How many times have I been in denial? Explaining and excusing his behaviour even when he was hella deceitful. Here I am, loving him more that ever. I've also been angry more times than I care to remember. But I don't believe in anger so more accurately, it was how I dealt with feelings of rejection, being ashamed and feeling like I'm not good enough. I lashed out... And once I had calmed down, I began to bargain it out in my head. The feelings of wanting him near, would not go away so instead of dealing with it, I excused it all and figured that it wouldn't be that bad to hang out and lo and behold, like clockwork, we always picked up where we left off... And now that he's determined to take on 2010, without me by his side, in the quest to be "the man that I deserve"... He's left me so sad. It reminds me of when I was 17 and I was crazy about this guy that had a girl. He cheated with me and within weeks, deserted me. By that time, I was hooked. And I cried for months, way into my first year of varsity...

This Cutie Depression brings good news and bad news. Now that I'm at this stage, I'm clearly or theoretically getting closer to accepting the situation. On the other hand, there could be months of tears ahead especially if the past few months are anything to go by! Either way, I wish 2010 would fly by...

Day 01 - 05 : 2010- The Year of the Hustler

I realise that as per 2008, I let my life become my work during the second half of last year. I almost cared too much. Don't get me wrong.. I have learnt soooo much about TV production in the past six months and I'm at a place that I had not even dreamt of - both behind and in front of the camera... But that came at a price. Not that I regret it much I mostly regret not documenting that journey...

But even if I had had the time to do so... I doubt I would've been able to capture it the way I would have preferred to. Simply because my mind has been on Cutie 24/7 when it was not on work. Even when I was supposed to be working, I found myself drifting. Fortunately I also learned how to use work to get my mind of the drama of Kp and Cutie.


Well,that never-ending love-story may has finally had its curtain-call. It may not be the final one but it will probably be a while til Cutie and I are back on-stage together again. The last couple of weeks saw us fall soooo madly in love. In reality, we had always been in love but this time we admitted to ourselves out loud! It was so good! But then reality came a knocking and our fairy-tale was dashed by him insisting that he needs a year to get away from all the drama. All of it.Including me.

And as much as I wanted to be part of the solution, truth is I am very much apart of his drama-infested life. Granted I was the best part but he needs the space. And as much as I keep crying, I know it's only right that he finds himself without me clogging his mind-space. Coz I only want his happiness... Happiness with me would be a bonus.. but he's such an awesome person, he deserves to find it... like they often say.. it's gonna get much worse before it gets much better...

In his head, we'll reunite and be able to fully be together in a year's time... I'm not so sure. Coz working on a daily live celebrity show has taught me that a year is a long time. Each day is so hectic in TV-land that it feels like an entire week! Anyway, I've let him go.. I'm letting him go..civilly with his best interests at heart..it's not like I had a choice.. he's hella determined...so I'ma let him d it and see what happens..if anything, he'll realise how much he misses me. So I'ma give him the space to ache with the feeling of "need"! Lol! Seriously! He actually had the audacity to say that he hopes that I won't hook up with a random in order to get over this. I was like but dude, it's the easiest way...


Anyway.. so now I'm tryna figure how I'll keep my mind off him during the next 365 days... coz when I wasn't working, I was working him..lol..so now what?! I need a fierce distraction! Dr Phil would suggest sitting in my bad feelings til I have resolved them. Sure! What fun! Let's do exactly that! What don't kill you, only makes you stronger, right?


I have major plans for this year so that should keep me busy... and everytime I wanna holla at him, I'll be sure to do sit-ups instead! I wanna give radio another shot... take tV to another level.. push the KMS brand..get my dam drivers license..get my own crib ie move out.... it's gonna be major... and oh yes... get over Cutie!

Day 297-304: Where Do Palpitating Hearts go? Part II

He had stepped out of the car and he had left his phone behind. Before this, I would never had gone through his phone but he occasionally goes through mine and I needed to see that him and M were really just friends. So I went to his inbox.

All these I LOVE YOU messages from some number saved under some weird name... Let's call it A. For a while, I stopped breathing as I quickly scanned though the texts... Lots of them. So many that it was a while til I say my name and mind you, I had texted him last night. There were so many lovey-dovey texts I got the feeling that he had to be responding or even initiating chats of a similar fashion. I quickly checked his Sent Items and there wasn't a shred of evidence. Very strange. Maybe he doesn't save his outgoing messages. Or maybe he just has much to hide. Either way, its just dodge. I have the exact same phone and all my messages are automatically saved with lil to no memory issues.

So I checked his outgoing calls and he had called A just 30 minutes before all this. I took the number and called it off my own phone after changing my settings to private number. So brat answered the phone. I figured that to be M's cheeky, disrespectful lil brother. His name must be A. He confirmed it but he wouldn't let me speak to M without me giving him a name first. I was on the verge of tears, gasping for air, so I stopped begging him and hung up.

I put Cutie's phone back in its original spot and tried to remain calm as my head spun. Cutie took forever to come back. It felt like forever. But it was probably only five minutes. I was even able to call P and sob into the phone and even calm myself. Tears only came when I spoke about it. By the time he had returned, I was calmer.

But he still took one look at me and knew that something was wrong. I couldn't even look at him. And I swear that my supper was creeping its way up my throat. Gross. I felt ill. I had the shakes. My heart was beating fast and my stomach was performing sommersaults. Not cool. I jus wanted to run at that point. Run far away. Pretend that I don't know.

He stepped out again. This time he took his phone. And that's when I knew that he knew that I knew. When he returned, I remained quiet except for when I was talking to P on the phone, tryna find out where she is so that I can tell her what just transpired.

I had so much to say to him but no words came out. My head was flooded with his betrayal. I needed to forget. So bad. No such luck hence why I'm awake at 04.12. Well, as soon as P heard the story, she was all for me calling her and getting the facts. I was too shaken to call. My voice was trembling and so was my body... In 30 degree celcios heat. For those few minutes I was a freak of nature.

So P called her. No bratty answer on the other end. M answered and after a brief explanation that Cutie is a colleague that P thinks is cheating- M was ready to talk. Although I have a feeling that she wasn't telling the entire truth as far as the depths of her relationship with him.

Discrepancy 1:
M stays in the West, not the South.
Discrepancy 2:
M says that her and Cutie are best friends. This is news to me.
Discrepancy 3:
M was sick with an ulcer not a gynea infection. He told me that's what she had.
Discrepancy 4:
M says that she hasn't seen Cutie in a week. He told me he was with her last night, dropping off meds.
Discrepancy 5:
M says that Cutie has been dating N for three years since tertiary. He's never mentioned an N and if I hadn't seen it on the pharmacy bill, I would've been even more shocked.

So now what? He missed called me at about 23.30. I was sleeping at that time. Fortunately. P's conversation with M took place just before 20.30. I'm sure M told him about the 3rd Degree. He had three hours to cook up a story. Now we wait. Coz I really don't know what to say to him. And I hate that he has forced me to play "CHEATERS" and policeman! And yet I'm hoping for an explanation but I know that's not possible. And now, I just feel like vomiting, throwing up all my bad feelings.

Day 298-304: Where Do Palpitating Hearts Go? Part I

The other day (Monday I think), my supervisor who is a lil loony walked in and said that she had a dream or nightmare that I walked into work and complained that I was anxious. The way she told the story, you could tell that she woke up in a state. To top it all off, she alluded to being right when she has "dreams" like that. I was a lil freaked but mostly dismissive coz she's so damn dramatic so I take her declarations with a pinch of salt coz they so damn laughable. It was rather absurd coz I was feeling so good, so good, so good, so good... Cutie and I were working through some thangs... I was feelin positive about my goals and the new week... I had a good rest over the weekend and my kids' Nativity play had gone very well. I was, for the lack of a better word, "happy". And mind you- I hate to just throw that word around... I guess right now, that feeling was the closest thing to happy compared to the way I'm feeling now.

Not even two days later, here I am. ANXIOUS as fk.

I've told lots of stories about Cutie's deceit before. So I'm hella embarrassed and humiliated to be here again after I had mistakenly thought that we were making progress. I was even thinking that maybe LOVE has to hurt so that you can tell how good it feels. It's like sunshine after a long bout of chilly rain. You ache for it to tingle all over your body...

Well, Cutie has been going through some things as far as his ex-gf is concerned. Lets call her M. She is apparently in a very bad space, complete with a unsupportive family, bad health and no job. The way he explained it is that even though he was over it, he felt that he couldn't just abandon her the same way that all her other tertiary buddies had. Now it takes a strong woman to be ok with the guy she digs playing Nurse to his ex. Even I couldn't deal with it but I dealt with it. I even asked to meet her. This has yet to happen. And after revelations from seven hours ago, I doubt it ever will.

So Cutie had taken M to the doc to get checked out. No medical aid means hefty private health bills so I contributed a lil something something. Despite his mild objections, he took the money and saw the doc yesterday. When he returned, he showed me some of the meds. And now that I've thought about it, when I look at the pills, I naturally checked the name on the slip, half-expecting it to say M's first name but instead it was a long-ass African name... N. I thought maybe she signed up with her real name, not her slave name so I let i go but the whole time as he was narrating the doctor's appointment, I felt that he wasn't telling me something. Just a hunch. And I said as much. He denied. I asked repeatedly and eventually just blamed it on paranoia.
Even though, I know better. My ex-flame from two years ago, who, ironically enough, has been hollering at me recently... Well, he used to say "paranoia is also instinct". I didn't get then but now I do but as I've said before, instinct is only proven after the fact...

While Cutie and I were talking and making out, my fears about M sorta disappeared. Coz he was with me, I guess. Well, during the kissing, I got all emotional and for the life of me, I couldn't understand why I was on the verge of tears... And neither could he...

I figured it out during the ride home... All that I wanted seemed like it was finally coming together... It seemed like a certain reality that we'd end up together like normal folk coz he was even talking about cutting ties with M. He said it would be "the right thing to do" even though it would hurt her. I didn't quite understand. Now I sorta do.


But back to that in a sec... My emotional moment came from me being scared of being hurt again by him coz I could feel myself fallin harder n harder. I explained that to him and apologised profusely for my girly-pants attitude... He said it's ok... I'm an awesome person. Naturally.

When we spoke today, he said that he had dropped off M's pills last night and she was coming along nicely. Relief. My show didn't go too well coz my presenter failed to pitch and had to be replaced withing five minutes to air... So imagine my sheer disappointment. Cutie tried to perk me up. And he did. Just the sight of him achieved exactly that.

Until all hell broke loose...

Day 245-297: Strength is Best!

You'd swear by my last post that my life is centred round this guy. Well, it's not. Well, not entirely. I still get go to work for an ELEVEN hour day and make live television on the daily... Four days out of five, I'll even go home after work and fight with my mother. I also get to go out with my BFF and meet dumbass niggas that are only impressive withing the first week. After those seven days, one is inclined to, as Jigga would put it, "move on to the next". Coz niggas are dismally disappointing... Or maybe I'm in love with somebody else... Details... Details...

With all this recession talk, I'm seriously suprised that nobody took the time to tell us how a bad global economy doesn't just affect your finances, it also affects your relationships. Coz what's the one thing that makes people disagree?! Money! Cold hard cash! Now that I've finally realised how money, especially the lack of it, can have such devastating effects, I'm a lil lost as what to do.

My mom and I pretty much fight on the regular about the same thing. She wants more of it from me, I'm a lil reluctant to give it. In my head, I need to save. In her head, household expenses have pretty much doubled in size and they need to be paid now, not in the future.

We've discussed... er... argued it often enough that she now wants me out the house. She figures I need to go see what it's like in the outside world without Mommy miraculously providing everything I need.

Yeah, can you believe it!? I've been kicked out of home. Ouch! Now what?! Gotta find a spot... This is also proving to be an uphill battle. A lil like getting my dam drivers license. Fuck! I'm so annoyed... Between work and everything in between, I'm pretty much just dealing with work... And Cutie.... So now what?