Day 18-24: Where does this road lead...?

I began this blog with the noble intention of documenting my life. Mostly coz I think that they'll need this information for my E! True Life Story. Honestly, there's plenty I learn on a day to day basis and I feel that in order to truly learn anything, I gotta be conscious of it. And my awareness is reaffirmed through writing. That's my steez. I can write some poetry but things only really come full circle through writing. Although writing about oneself exclusively feels hella strange and self-involved. And shallow. I do care about the important issues but really now, how big an effect is SA's looming recession got on my life. I mean a direct deadly threat that keeps me awake at night. What's worse than conceitedly writing about yourself is writing flat, uninspired pieces. Its a waste of effort and time. So I'm back here... Writing about the self...

Truth is I haven't been able to blog as often as I been doing coz my life has reached a PG status. Which brings into question.... Should you really be doing something that you wouldn't readily share... And that dear ol scripture comes to mind...something about God knows what you been doing in the shadows, He knows everything. I don't doubt that for a second. The one that scares me is the bit about everything that you do in the dark, will come to the light. I'd rather people didn't know. Hence my reluctance to share the activities of the past week and a half. Just in case the wrong people see it and it fucks with my bigger plan.... I ain't tryna self-destruct...

But I ain't keen to just write about how I wanna share but I can't... That's a sure blog-killer and it renders me unable to even promote this blog because I don't want other people misinterpreting my thoughts, feelings and actions.

Again, I'm at a place where I'm tryna figure whats what coz up feels like down... And wrong is right. That hazy grey area has clouded everything. Maybe conveniently so....

I was innocent at first. Goodness knows I was. I was not checking for a man... But then he came.... And put a spanner in my newly acquired machine. I wasn't even checking for him. He came outta the blue. And even now as I sit here, making my way to work, I can smell his scent. Which is super strange and frustrating coz he ain't here... Plus I've just stepped out a bath with fresh clothes that he ain't ever touched... It's also hella intoxicating... He's my new thing.... I was so scared that I would be so stressed playing Survivor for the next six months but he's managed to take me out of that toxic space and I'm living a lil.... A lot... I'm free... [whose song is that again??? FREE!? Oh yeah Destiny's Child last album... That joint's fire...] And that's the effect he has on me... I believe that God bestows all that good stuff... And that feeling of liberty can only come from Him... So its pure and good... Then why oh why would God send me an unavailable man with a baby momma?! Especially when he saw how focussed I was.... Like attracts like right.... I thought I was over attracting unavailable men with lotsa luggage.... I don't wanna mess with my karma... Should I just walk away [not happening...] or see to this affair's demise.... Well after this week, I won't be seeing him as much... Which sucks but if anything, I believe that's how God planned it. I'll look back at this and know the lesson... Right now, I'm smack in the middle of class....

Is it possible to fall for somebody so quickly? But don't they say that things that start up quick, end just as swiftly and for that very reason, I can't expect him, or even demand that he leave his woman coz I don't think I can offer everything she can... ie live-in pussy, a mother, an extended family and half a decade of emotions... I'm just a girl in her early 20's[23 in a coupla days and still making the same mistakes as my late teens]... If I'm gonna wreck a home, I gots to be able to step up.... I'm not about to just let him or even us screw up so many lives for lustful purposes... And I told him as much... We gotta be sure... As much as it pains me to say that... It is what it is... Ha ha of cos my low self esteem has nothing to do with me doubting myself and what I can offer him or even a possible relationship.... [Hey, I just figured that now... You see that's why I write...]

soundtrack to this post... What it is- Ras Kass!

Day 15 - 17: oh fiddlesticks... what's happening...

End of the second day of my second fortnight in the PRODUCTION. Ironically, things aren't quite productive. I'm freakin out a lil at the concept of not doing much. Lil to no efficiency is making me a lil to hella nervous.

Plus I'm facing mountains of distraction, now that I have sorta settled in. One or two cuties are messing with my focus. So more nerves. Plus I'm studying in order to meet a month-end assignment. Many more nerves. Mm... afterthought.... I have plenty to do... So what was all of that about....

Ok ok... I'm just scared that I may be losing the focus that I so desperately wanted to achieve. And for what?!
[insert frustrated, blood curdling scream here]

now this is discontent/disconnect anxiety!

Day 13 and 14... Oh how much can change...

Life has a funny way of pulling you up by the underwear and reminding you that for the most part, you have zero control. Life wedgies tends to happen when you start walking and talking as though 'you on top of everything'... It's a leader's plight... A boss's life... More accurately, a pain in the arse! I will concede, however, that it does make for an interesting living. It saves us from the monotony of knowing everything and being suprised by nothing.

God's grace lives within those moments of serendipity. It's when He is having a grand ol chuckle at presumed human intelligence. It's when I realise, for the umpteenth time, that what's meant to be will be, despite my actions.
But if I choose to be obsessive about something, I can be sure to forget to enjoy the experience and really only notice that I'm no good at doing the very thing that I'd rather not do. Just like The Secret says. Elementary, my dear Wandile!

Ok, let me get to you up to speed. On Friday, our first fortnight at work, expired. In retrospect, my attempt at being focussed and disassociated from work politics pretty much failed. Well, the way I sorta see it.... I had to know what's going on without being in the thick of things. In order to suss out some people. But really, we are all just sussing eachother out. But what's the point of that? Getting bogged down in the utterances and even indiscretions of a fellow contestant. That's not gonna help you win. If anything, that's hella unfocussed. I only gotta really worry about impressing the final decision-makers. Not my rivals. They have no say.

And isn't that like this life. Being concerned with Joe Soap next door really ain't gonna score points with God. And He ain't gonna wanna hear about him during his one-on-one with you. So I need to maximise my actions and stop being so obsessed with a false sense of security ie playing the game. This isn't a reality show. Although it may feel like it, complete with a competitive edge. Truth is reality shows are all fiction. TV IS A LIE. And you'd think I'd know that...

The rest of Feb will see me right in the hub of radio. Production. I didn't plan on being there so quick but everything happens for a reason right. So I'm hella excited to learn some technical stuff, such as recording etc. Who knows, I could do a voice-over. Now that I'm (slightly a lil more) open to the experience, I plan on taking it on in bite-size chunks. Fortnight by fortnight. And forget the six month up hill climb ahead. Step by step. Day by day. Or else, I could very well collapse from information overload, brain freeze or even constant anxiety. I can do this! Because I am here, I am worthy.

When I started writing this, I really had no clue as to where I was going with it. Now that it's out, I'm suprised and a lil relieved that I didn't touch on the activities that made these past coupla days so damn menacing. I'd rather not say. But I spent Vday alone and Friday's party, my first proper outing all year, was hella fun and eye-opening. My search for the self continues and I'm finding pieces of me in many of the new people coming my way... It's nice... And by the time I turn 23 in two weeks, I'll hopefully be walking into 2009 with a more steadY strut! A la Manhattan....

Day 9 to 12.... We gettin' up.... Been throwing up....

I've been hectically unmotivated to write since the week began. My last post was supposed to have a part two but Monday saw me struggling to keep down copious amounts of bitter bile, inching its way up my oesophogus.... Ultimately, the motion sickness got me and I hurled the liquid into a plastic folder. Good times!
That was the tone for the day pretty much sorted. Couldn't eat much. No. Couldn't eat anything but dry brown toast. My sense of smell was so incredibly intensified that I wanted to cut it off. Or atleast get 'Chris-Browned' right on it!

So why the hell did I head to work in the first place because in Survivor, as one of the girls put it, injured contestants get the boot. I ain't about to be sent home because of an ill-timed op. So I sucked it up. Bile and all. Ok not so much the bile but the discomfort, pain and lack of appetite and even a long winded lecture or two. Everyone gots an opinion nowadays. No, everyone likes the sound of their own voice.
All in a days work.

Days 5 to 8... Disabled-emotionally and physically

My op finally came and went like a summer storm that leaves you shivering with flu. My right arm is currently in a sling. Sorry, a mother of a sling. This thing is so big, you could house a small family up in there. So imagine the comfort levels that correlate with lugging around something this bulky. Its like one of those aching fat zits smack, in the middle of your face that is un-pick-able. Speaking of squeezing zits, I no longer have the pleasure. Using just my left hand is not half as satisfying as the use of both index fingers.

As I type this, my left hand is cramping up. Something righty wouldn't dream of. I do have the use of my right fingers but the phone appears to be too heavy for the recovering digits. Also a sweaty armpit that can't be managed is hectically frustrating. I feel so helpless. This must be how old people feel. Just an uneducated, wholly prejudice estimation...

That's the post-op run-down. Well, the abridged version. Turns out that different surgeries can affect one in different ways. The last time I was in the theatre, a benign lump was removed from my breastisis. Right-side as well. That was a relative walk in the park.

This time, you have bones, muscles, ligaments, nerves involved. It's not nice. And when my body finally realised what had happened, I freaked out. I just started to cry for no good reason. Imagine you have been watching the saddest love story and the credits are rolling. That was me x 50! Twas incredibly surreal.

While my neighbour in the ward who had gone for a similar op was in high spirits and completely happy. Unlike me, she didn't have a near 'BALE OUT' moment. Her husband reckons that I was not emotionally prepared for the op and my post-reaction confirms as much.

My mom agrees. Remember, I was not too happy about the timing of the surgery considering my new job. I even thought of postponing it. Now that I am in the middle of recovery, I only wish to get over the next six weeks as quickly as possible.

Paul came to Pretoria, exclusively for me... More of that, later...