Day 238-244: Ain't It Funny...

One of my all time favorite J.Lo jams is the "Ain't It Funny" remix... Back when JA was still hot and I was closet J.Lo fan... Til today, I have most of her albums and I know more songs than I should ever admit to knowing... But I digress... The song goes...

Ain't it funny/ Baby that you want me/ When you had me/ Love is crazy/ I'm glad I can smile and say...

The past week began as dramatic as ever... I hardly said two words to Cutie all day not out of spite but more detached busy-ness... Well, when P caught a ride of with him that night... She let it "slip" that I had met somebody. To be honest, I expected him to react all....
Nonchalant in front of an audience...
But he was everything but... He wanted details of what Chocolate looks like, if he's cute etc.

Ya know Cutie was so curious, he didn't even wait til we had some privacy to ask me who Chocolate is. He pretty much asked in front of P! Seriously? Seriously. I was like acting dumb... Inside I'm on some... well, if you don't take care of home, somebody else will...

Later on when we were alone, he asked me what's up. I told him the truth. Met a dude who likes me a lot and quite frankly I could use the distraction. Cutie seemed to get some sort of snug satisfaction from not being entirely forgettable. He also urged me to leave Chocolate coz the timing is off. In hindsight, his advice was quite irritatingly ironic.

Coz here I am.... Contemplating a way out of my quickie relationship. Thing about Chocolate.... He is ghetto... One of them Soweto cats who are loud, obnoxious and seemingly loaded but anything but. To top it all off.... He is the complete opposite of articulate.... The past few days with him have made me realise that as much as I'm a sucker for some sun-kissed skin... I'm also into charm and fluency and a gorgeous natural smile... I'm not a fan of gold... Much less a nigga who's first language isn't English. I have no problem with a dude that speaks vernacular well but let that not come at the expense of the Queen's Language... Please.

Day 231-237 [Day 3/90]: When one door closes...

On Thursday, Cutie and I finally closed the door on us. I pleaded my case for the last time and he explained for the last time. I cried for the last time. And he held me for the last time. Twas hella painful and I wondered how I would get through a whole day of work on Friday. I hardly managed all morning. Calmed down into the afternoon and was all perked up by the evening, looking forward to dancing off all the bad vibes. I got my face made up and headed downtown, hoping for a slight case of amnesia.

I figured with some liquid courage and professional make-up, I could do like the alchies and

fake it til (I) make it

I put my hurt on the back burner and for the first hour I danced as though my life depended on it... Fortunately I got to a point where I didn't have to pretend anymore coz the DJ started playing some decent music. And then when it was time to leave.. I was keen to stay but P was keen to bounce so we did but if I could, I would have delayed the whole thing. Coz I was not keen to got to the neighbouring club and deal with ego-trippin' shlebs...

We swindle our way into the VIP coz we hadn't really planned on being there. And all the people I'd rather not see were in there. Naturally. Thank goodness for the open bar. Now that made me smile. I was also keen to head to the main section of the venue with the regular folk so that my interrupted freestyle choreography could resume... coz I was sure that I was not about to meet a new dude... I might score a make-out session but really meet a good man... hadn't even occurred to me, not in my frame of mind. In fact when I bumped into Shorty... I started to think okay cool.. .I ain't gotta deal with a new nigga, just deal with the one that fkd up before. No expectations there.

But lo and behold- his friend started hollering at me. And I'm looking at this dude like...excuse me homie but do I know you? But this nigga did not let up. And I ended up spending the next three to four hours with him. Talking n stuff... Yeah that other stuff too. But the crazy bit is that he kept saying he knows who I am but I had no freakin clue. In fact, everybody knew who the hell he was but me! I must have gotten like five thousand different description of what he does... the most accurate being that he is a SOCIALITE!? lol! ait so before I know it... I'm feelin' this dude... and I even start to think that maybe gettin' to know him wouldn't be sucha bad idea... but then I started thinkin' wtf.. I just parted ways with the guy who was supposedly the man of my dreams... moving on so quickly? is that right? shouldn't I get used to being alone first so that I don't go into this with madd issues?

anyway..excuse me for getting ahead of myself... but this nigga was already asking me out on this very night! Twas hard not to get carried away... He was like we should be together and date and stuff coz he wants to be my man! Woah! Nigga! slow yo roll! I don't even know who you are... but I'll admit I'm keen to find out... coz he was able to do the impossible... get me out of a ditch! I had fun..lots of it... and Cutie wasn't even a factor.. how's that for interesting?

Question is..is this for real? or some sort of crazy punk'd scene? it seems way to easy and I know that heartbreak is never this easy... so now what...
well, let's give this dude a pseudonym for starters.. how about 'Perkie'? Coz he managed to perk me up..plus he's perked up...if you catch my drift....

Actually... let's call him 'Chocolate' coz he has this awesome, glowing brown skin that I'm a complete sucker for.. plus I'm feeling some heartburn... it makes me forget his gold cap for a second. Yeah, I forgot to mention that...and hopefully he'll get rid of it... jus in case things get serious.. so there you go... I've met somebody..;lready.. and I'm tryin not to like him but there's huge potential (for the biggest distraction [n more])coz he's dope. But before we get ahead of ourselves..let's see what the new week brings... after a our text chat last night... during which I passed out.. mm... I know..not very nice of me...

Also had to deal with Shorty hollerin' at me when he could see that Chocolate was tryna holla! How wack! And I had no clue how to deal with it coz Shorty n I have a past and I can't be rude to him coz I just met a random dude. Twas super wierd and conflicting so even though I could see that Shorty was jus tryna cock-block his buddy out of sheer pretence not interest (he even called the following night to check if I got home all right- dodgy mothatrucka that one and I told him as much! And of cos he pleaded ignorance! Nigga please! Nobody lookin for a KanYe interuption here!), I didn't know how to deal with it coz I had no clue how to include Chocolate in the conversation which was totally irrelevant to him. At least I figured as much coz I dunno what this nigga does!

So the following day, I had to call n apologise coz truth is, as he kindly pointed out, if the roles had been reversed ie he had been ignoring me in front of his ex-flame.. I woulda flipped. He forgave me and later on, last night...he texted me and told me how much he missed me... I had passed out on the couch so I had to apologise for the delay and let him know that he had been on my mind for much of the day... coz of Jill Scott's sweet words... four minutes later, he asked which song (Not That Crazy).. by that time... I had passed out.. After church...I tried to explain to a nigga that I failed to reply timeously coz of my chronic exhaustion... he has yet to reply. I think we may be facing a subtle pay-back...

Regardless...I've decided to now extended this blog to the whole year... in fact let's break down the countdowns to mini-countdowns that include what's happening in my life. If Choc n I really do happen to make it work ie get over my excessive apologies... I am gonna go about this properly. I will follow Steve Harvey's rules, including the 90 DAY rule. And I will leave if I start hearing some dodgy things. This time, there is no room for funny behaviour coz I am wide awake from the get go.

If nigga doesn't holla back by the end of the day.. I will take that as a big fat hint! And we won't need the 90 day clock anymore. Plus that will probably kill the plans we made for Friday.. yeah..yesterday already, Nigga was on some, watchu doing on Friday... very cute....I was like I dunno..it's SATURDAY so he insisted that we stay in touch despite my 'working 24 hours a day'..that's what he calls it... it may as well be exactly that!

Day 194 - 230: Part Two....

I can't possibly have to go through meeting another dude, get excited, take the financial and emotional time to learn what he's all about, take all the necessary precautions to try to not to fall too quickly, end up fallin' anyway and be left alone picking up the pieces.

Can I just settle down already? Please? I'm tired of playing love games. I'm ready to just love and chill out a sec. Safe in the arms of love. I know this is cheesy as fuck but it's true.

Maybe that's too much pressure for Cutie. I dunno then why the fuck did we meet and connect? Why can't I stop thinking about him? Why can't we stay away from each other? Why?

Why is it that he is able to send me an emails saying that I'm always on his mind? That he misses me. How come he told me he loves me? That he loves to be around me? That when I cried about us, he cried too? Why is it that- if he's only gonna turn around and break my heart even when I'm willing to wait!? I don't understand! How can I hate him when I love him? One half of him at least. The half that understands but is clearly not willing to fight the other dude's bullshit.

This breaks my heart over and over coz I know he feels what I feel but he almost reminds me of when I had just started therapy and a recurring theme was my subconscious belief that I deserved no happiness. That I had to carry the worries of my parents, especially my mom. Cutie does that with his family and I'm no professional psychologist so I have no clue how to get through to him.

Plus how am I to know that that is truly the issue here? That he needs me to help him through it... Does he even want my help or am I jus being a pushy know-it-all. Dunno. I jus wanna run away at this point and forget that he ever existed or mattered.

Day 194 - 230: Part One...

Yet another month without a blog. I'm tired of making excuses for not regularly posting stuff and I'm sure you're tired of hearing it. I'll tell you this much however... Many people have been able to figure who's who behind some of my cleverly crafted pseudonyms so as much as I would love to share, it's hella difficult to do so which makes blogging a drag even when I do have time... Which is never! I find pleasure in writing with no holds barred... It's absolute freedom especially coz my life is an absolute circus but as much as I'd love to share, I can't risk the wrong people knowing too much about me or those that I innocently mention in this space. That wouldn't be fair to them or their/my hard work and endeavours. Nevertheless here goes...

Just this Friday, I found out that Cutie was busy exchanging "I miss you's" with some chic during the first month of our thing. He would also hang with her and such. I asked him about it and he said that they're just friends, been friends since high school and even though she been feelin' him, he told her, he ain't keen to go down that road with her coz of his long list of never-ending issues....

You see, there are a few things that I don't get about this nigga and because I have trouble saying what I need to say face to face ie all of these epiphanies hit me whenever he's not around, I've decided to try figure it out here. I'ma compare his two egos. Coz I almost feel that he may have some MPD situation going on.

As much as my pride hates to admit, there's a part of Cutie that lights me up from the inside out. It's ten times more lethal than the lust he makes me feel. It's the way a best friend makes you feel. That complete and utter happiness. I love to see him smile. I love making him laugh. So this side of him makes me wanna be around him all day. And we don't even have to talk. We can jus be. Watch the sky. Hold hands. Make out. Watch a movie. I remember when we first met, there was this insane electrical energy between us and when we held hands, when we kissed- sparks flew. In extreme circumstances, our eyes would meet and I would feel it too.

In the past three months that I've known him, another side has come out. A side that almost tries to kill his/our pursuit of happiness. It's the side that pushes me away. The side that tells me it doesn't wanna be with me. It's the side that's quite content to walk away.

So I do what any Miss Independent would do... I pack and I prepare to leave and everytime I'm near the door, the good side reaches out to me and begs me to stay in not so many words but actions. Maybe I see what I wanna see, I dunno but I'll try keep some distance between us and he'll come find me for some random conversations about life.

Now when you care about somebody, it goes against every fibre of your being to tell them to 'fuck off'. The last thing you wanna do is tell them to take a hike coz the reality is that you want them near. So instead of listening to logic, I'd allow him in again and when it was time to discuss us, he would push me away and gimme all these reasons why we shouldn't be together. Meanwhile I have a blogful of reasons why we must try. But he wouldn't hear it. His evil side always vetoed his inner conflicts despite my tears. Despite my pleading, my reasoning, my sex... Lol. It was all in vain and jus when I thought I can't keep doing this, I found out that he felt that I should wait for him to get his mind right.

Before, that had never even been featured as an option. Until he said that if the tables were turned, he would be honoured to wait for me. Who would fuck off after that?! I couldn't. I hadn't even been able to begin to follow through so I took a plunge in the deep end, drew some inspiration from Sade's words as she sang...
I still really really love you
Love is stronger than pride...

This went against my control freak mentality. It's like walking in the dark with all these legitimate but insane questions dizzying my head... Like what if I wait for him and he in the mean time meets somebody else? I've heard of many stories where the chic makes the nigga a better person but he goes and shares his new self with his new chic... How's that for a thank you very much?

I realise that life has no guarantees. I try to live day to day. I try to share that philosophy with him but he can't stop living in the past and even the future. So the present is fucked. And unfortunately that's where I am so we can't manage to see eye-to-eye.

There's a part of me... The logical, prudent side I guess... That is certain that I must just cut my losses and hit the road. This side reckons I'm being used and I should stop thinking about his feelings and consider the damage I'm causing to myself instead by constantly giving him a chance to reject me and hurt me over and over again.

Not even friends do that. And you're willing to wait?! Seriously! Girl wake the fuck up!

I can explain. A fairytale beginning can't possibly have sucha shitty ending. can it?!