Day 238-244: Ain't It Funny...

One of my all time favorite J.Lo jams is the "Ain't It Funny" remix... Back when JA was still hot and I was closet J.Lo fan... Til today, I have most of her albums and I know more songs than I should ever admit to knowing... But I digress... The song goes...

Ain't it funny/ Baby that you want me/ When you had me/ Love is crazy/ I'm glad I can smile and say...

The past week began as dramatic as ever... I hardly said two words to Cutie all day not out of spite but more detached busy-ness... Well, when P caught a ride of with him that night... She let it "slip" that I had met somebody. To be honest, I expected him to react all....
Nonchalant in front of an audience...
But he was everything but... He wanted details of what Chocolate looks like, if he's cute etc.

Ya know Cutie was so curious, he didn't even wait til we had some privacy to ask me who Chocolate is. He pretty much asked in front of P! Seriously? Seriously. I was like acting dumb... Inside I'm on some... well, if you don't take care of home, somebody else will...

Later on when we were alone, he asked me what's up. I told him the truth. Met a dude who likes me a lot and quite frankly I could use the distraction. Cutie seemed to get some sort of snug satisfaction from not being entirely forgettable. He also urged me to leave Chocolate coz the timing is off. In hindsight, his advice was quite irritatingly ironic.

Coz here I am.... Contemplating a way out of my quickie relationship. Thing about Chocolate.... He is ghetto... One of them Soweto cats who are loud, obnoxious and seemingly loaded but anything but. To top it all off.... He is the complete opposite of articulate.... The past few days with him have made me realise that as much as I'm a sucker for some sun-kissed skin... I'm also into charm and fluency and a gorgeous natural smile... I'm not a fan of gold... Much less a nigga who's first language isn't English. I have no problem with a dude that speaks vernacular well but let that not come at the expense of the Queen's Language... Please.

Day 194 - 230: Part Two....

I can't possibly have to go through meeting another dude, get excited, take the financial and emotional time to learn what he's all about, take all the necessary precautions to try to not to fall too quickly, end up fallin' anyway and be left alone picking up the pieces.

Can I just settle down already? Please? I'm tired of playing love games. I'm ready to just love and chill out a sec. Safe in the arms of love. I know this is cheesy as fuck but it's true.

Maybe that's too much pressure for Cutie. I dunno then why the fuck did we meet and connect? Why can't I stop thinking about him? Why can't we stay away from each other? Why?

Why is it that he is able to send me an emails saying that I'm always on his mind? That he misses me. How come he told me he loves me? That he loves to be around me? That when I cried about us, he cried too? Why is it that- if he's only gonna turn around and break my heart even when I'm willing to wait!? I don't understand! How can I hate him when I love him? One half of him at least. The half that understands but is clearly not willing to fight the other dude's bullshit.

This breaks my heart over and over coz I know he feels what I feel but he almost reminds me of when I had just started therapy and a recurring theme was my subconscious belief that I deserved no happiness. That I had to carry the worries of my parents, especially my mom. Cutie does that with his family and I'm no professional psychologist so I have no clue how to get through to him.

Plus how am I to know that that is truly the issue here? That he needs me to help him through it... Does he even want my help or am I jus being a pushy know-it-all. Dunno. I jus wanna run away at this point and forget that he ever existed or mattered.

Day 194 - 230: Part One...

Yet another month without a blog. I'm tired of making excuses for not regularly posting stuff and I'm sure you're tired of hearing it. I'll tell you this much however... Many people have been able to figure who's who behind some of my cleverly crafted pseudonyms so as much as I would love to share, it's hella difficult to do so which makes blogging a drag even when I do have time... Which is never! I find pleasure in writing with no holds barred... It's absolute freedom especially coz my life is an absolute circus but as much as I'd love to share, I can't risk the wrong people knowing too much about me or those that I innocently mention in this space. That wouldn't be fair to them or their/my hard work and endeavours. Nevertheless here goes...

Just this Friday, I found out that Cutie was busy exchanging "I miss you's" with some chic during the first month of our thing. He would also hang with her and such. I asked him about it and he said that they're just friends, been friends since high school and even though she been feelin' him, he told her, he ain't keen to go down that road with her coz of his long list of never-ending issues....

You see, there are a few things that I don't get about this nigga and because I have trouble saying what I need to say face to face ie all of these epiphanies hit me whenever he's not around, I've decided to try figure it out here. I'ma compare his two egos. Coz I almost feel that he may have some MPD situation going on.

As much as my pride hates to admit, there's a part of Cutie that lights me up from the inside out. It's ten times more lethal than the lust he makes me feel. It's the way a best friend makes you feel. That complete and utter happiness. I love to see him smile. I love making him laugh. So this side of him makes me wanna be around him all day. And we don't even have to talk. We can jus be. Watch the sky. Hold hands. Make out. Watch a movie. I remember when we first met, there was this insane electrical energy between us and when we held hands, when we kissed- sparks flew. In extreme circumstances, our eyes would meet and I would feel it too.

In the past three months that I've known him, another side has come out. A side that almost tries to kill his/our pursuit of happiness. It's the side that pushes me away. The side that tells me it doesn't wanna be with me. It's the side that's quite content to walk away.

So I do what any Miss Independent would do... I pack and I prepare to leave and everytime I'm near the door, the good side reaches out to me and begs me to stay in not so many words but actions. Maybe I see what I wanna see, I dunno but I'll try keep some distance between us and he'll come find me for some random conversations about life.

Now when you care about somebody, it goes against every fibre of your being to tell them to 'fuck off'. The last thing you wanna do is tell them to take a hike coz the reality is that you want them near. So instead of listening to logic, I'd allow him in again and when it was time to discuss us, he would push me away and gimme all these reasons why we shouldn't be together. Meanwhile I have a blogful of reasons why we must try. But he wouldn't hear it. His evil side always vetoed his inner conflicts despite my tears. Despite my pleading, my reasoning, my sex... Lol. It was all in vain and jus when I thought I can't keep doing this, I found out that he felt that I should wait for him to get his mind right.

Before, that had never even been featured as an option. Until he said that if the tables were turned, he would be honoured to wait for me. Who would fuck off after that?! I couldn't. I hadn't even been able to begin to follow through so I took a plunge in the deep end, drew some inspiration from Sade's words as she sang...
I still really really love you
Love is stronger than pride...

This went against my control freak mentality. It's like walking in the dark with all these legitimate but insane questions dizzying my head... Like what if I wait for him and he in the mean time meets somebody else? I've heard of many stories where the chic makes the nigga a better person but he goes and shares his new self with his new chic... How's that for a thank you very much?

I realise that life has no guarantees. I try to live day to day. I try to share that philosophy with him but he can't stop living in the past and even the future. So the present is fucked. And unfortunately that's where I am so we can't manage to see eye-to-eye.

There's a part of me... The logical, prudent side I guess... That is certain that I must just cut my losses and hit the road. This side reckons I'm being used and I should stop thinking about his feelings and consider the damage I'm causing to myself instead by constantly giving him a chance to reject me and hurt me over and over again.

Not even friends do that. And you're willing to wait?! Seriously! Girl wake the fuck up!

I can explain. A fairytale beginning can't possibly have sucha shitty ending. can it?!

Day 154-180 (+3): I AM KOPANO!

The last month has been insane and for the most part, I ain't where I wanna be. Sure, I'm being challenged on the daily by this new gig and I'm all about being challenged to the max. But I've never ever ever been this stressed out. I guess it's only fitting that LIVE TV is the third most stressful job in the world. Sure, I got to meet DJ DRAMA but really now...Does that make it worth it..?!
I asked to be challenged, not to go out the same way as Michael Jackson (with a dam heart attack). I mean I'm currently in a space that saw me be unable to blog for over a month because things are that hectic and crazy and insane and BUSY! And all I really wanna do is put on some Marvin Gaye and

get it on

! I would be so lucky. Cutie is still trippin'. So I'm working on moving on coz really he's awesome and everything but I am way too fwine to be dealing with another pseudo-relationship. Apparently I'm supposed to give him time.. I'm like what time, time to hurt me some more... reject me some more... how much punishment can a girl take. If there's one thing that I have learnt during the last 180 days is that you shouldn't ever waste your time with a nigga that won't be there. If he's trippin, do yourself a favour and be out! I realise that it's not that simple but I also know that waiting on him to change is stoopid especially when he has told you wassup. Let it go and let him stay with his undecided self.

Naturally, I'm having some trouble practicing what I preach. I can't seem to stay away from him. (And it probably doesn't help that we work together.) To the point where I'm on some maybe I should just hang out with him, he'll come around. Or maybe, we can just be friends?! Or maybe, he just ain't that into me and my punkass just needs to make peace with that! Aaaargh! The frustration! And what if I do walk away and it ends up being the biggest mistake of my life?! Like that chick from The Bachelorette, Deanna! This nigga that she was really fallin' for exasperated her to such a degree that she ended up telling him to go jump even though she dug him so! He wrote her a letter declaring his feelings but it was too late. But was it?! Should she have been a lil more enduring? DAMN Niggas who push a woman to that point!
Like
Shorty. He tried to holla at me, the other day. I was like nigga please, you done fucked up, a minute ago. It's too late! It's so late that I'm even considering cutting ties with new dude! Now here's Cutie following the exact same script. Like him and Shorty bin sharing notes! It's simple really, I'm done! The next nigga I meet, best have his story sorted. I ain't about to deal with your issues and I don't wanna hear it. You wanna be with me? Cool. You don't? Get the fuck out!

I'ma be hardcore now coz I've realised that my being open has also made me a lil naive. Fairy-tales only exist in books. I ain't the exception.

As far as my radio career is concerned, I haven't been offered anything by the station from a DJ point of view. When I found out on Thursday, I felt my world crash around me. That sucked. I was really hoping that I would be given the opportunity to take on the training slots but alas, I've been asked to submit a demo instead. Didn't know how to react to that. That hurt. But I'll do as required.

Then there's TV... dunno hey...I'm in two worlds...and boy do I need a holiday!

Day 112-117: Seven Days Was A Long Shot!

In a day, God created man. And when the sun set that evening, he looked at Adam and said, 'Hotdam I'm rock long time...' and then he went drinking at the Eden river, with the angels, to celebrate...
It's taken double that time for me and Shorty to restart fighting after just making up. Ya neh. We couldn't even go the seven that I spoke of in my last post. There's really no point in getting into why we are fighting now [but for completeness sake, here's the jist- we were supposed to go out to some birthday gig on Thursday night and he took a unilateral decision to cancel our plans. Something about being tired and under-dressed. I was not impressed. I flipped at him for being a fader. He claimed we could do it on Friday. Nothing happened Friday. Instead he was out with his mates. Which was all apparently unplanned. I just keep thinking I'm way to pretty to be dealing with such non-issues. Plently guys wanna spend time with me. Why am I still here? For what!? When it really appears as though, I ain't wanted.] I'm just sick of it. It's like the bad is superceding the good. It's so bad, I'm thinking of drawing up a list. Either of Pro's n Con's or of things that he does that I absolutely despise. He can also draw up the latter with regards to me and if we gonna work at this, those lists must be adhered to, otherwise it's an indication of disrespect and sheer carelessness. Which speaks volumes.

I used to date guys that I fought with all the time, thinking that it adds passion to the relationship. And then I dated a nigga that I hardly ever fought with and guess what- I enjoyed that so much more. The laughing and smiling and talking really beats arguing and crying and bitching. So I can't understand how I landed up here and how come I've been at it for almost as long as my longest relationship ever [four months]?!

But everytime I think of walking away, the heartburn hits my chest. And honestly, he does he quite an effect on my mood especially when things are cool and we're talking. I jus wish we could get along for more than three days out of the week.

I was so embarrassed when my mother asked me what he thought of my Monday show. I had to meekly tell her that I hadn't received any feedback from him. Even she raised her eyebrows even though she doesn't know that we are dating. But she knows that we're friends and that I'm hella supportive of his hustle. So in her head, it made no sense as to why he is seemingly not showing luv back. Luckily she spared me any further humiliation by letting that question hang in the air. Awkward!

Saturday night/the early hours of Sunday morning, I tried to talk to him about this kak. And I swear if he hadn't claimed to be too tired to get into it, I probably would've broken up with him right then and there. Coz something don't feel right. That feeling I had at the beginning of this, has returned and it's actually suffocating me. Rather annoying. Two options: stick it out like last time til it subsides or walk away from these weird feelings. Fuck it's weird. It feels like he's hiding something...

True to his conceited self, he insisted on discussing this issue from the other night, later today. Fine. It's not like it's going anywhere. We'll discuss it eventually and if it's over- let it be.

I could use some fresh material for my blog, as it is.

As for my show on Monday. I felt that it went well. So well that I walked away thinking that some of the proper DJs best be scared.... Coz I'm coming after their gigs! Unfortunately it will be a while til my next shot at presenting. Try 10 June. Dis ver! I was hoping we would have gotten an updated schedule by now, with all the non-presenters, having opened up more slots for the rest of us that want to do it.

But life ain't ever sucha breeze. Been working on scripts for a certain production from my former employer. Who woulda thought... 53 episodes by four links each. Hectic. But coming along nicely. Very exciting. Challenging. And learn-as-you-go. Very stimulating and keeps my mind off this rather immature love-life stuff. I won't lie. I'm expecting the worst.

Day 108-111: Shut Up, Just Shut Up Shut Up...

Back in high school, I dated some triflin' niggas. Popular but hella dodge tertiary guys who would cheat on me. And my fellow female pupils would be more than happy to let me in on my boyfriends' indiscretions. Coz that's how real it would get in high school. Women-on-women violence. But they would be the first to hook up with him straight afterwards despite his shady track-record. Or worse still, these girls would knowingly hook up with dude even though they knew he was unavailable...

I wish I could take the moral high ground in comparison to my boyfriends. But nah... I was only slightly better because I kept my indiscretions a secret. I never got bust. So not only did their cheating give me a legit reason to get out of a disastrous pseudo-relationship that was only wasting my (air-)time, but it also made me look like the poor victim. Aargh shame for me. In my mind, it didn't really matter what the situation really was... as long as dude felt bad and I came out smelling like roses. There really was no reason for me to tell dude that while he was messing around, so was I... It's fine. Let him think he's a piece of shit cheat. No skin off my nose coz he been a piece of shit. I won't lie, I would get upset. Mostly out of embarrassment and humiliation. Egocentric B.S that would not let me help him downplay his guilt... In fact, let's not tarnish my good image... I figured it's always better to appear to be the victim instead of the wrong-doer. Nobody likes the wrong-doer... Plus, I couldn't begin to have dude look at me the same way that I looked at him... Yeah... Like a piece of shit cheat! Lol!

All these experiences taught me one thing. Don't ever be naive enough to think that whatever you're doing on the down-low is not being done by your significant other. That's how karma works ... So it's a big deal for me to be involved and not cheat. A sorta growth and maturity of sorts. But with so many opportunities to do so, I'm sure that Shorty is facing extensive temptation of his own on the daily... Now we don't all go through the same rite of passage, so goodness knows if he been resisting.

Hence my sheer reluctance to trust a nigga. Even the one I'm seeing. Especially when he keeps fueling my paranoia... On Friday, he ignored my calls and texts. The following morning, he tried to feed me some cock-n-bull story about his phone dying. Like honestly. I was not having it. I hate being lied to but what I hate more is an apology that is accompanied by a lie. Yho! That grates my tits. What's also bad is how I've told him before if something is going on- tell me. Don't make me wait like a crazy person. Or worse- don't fuck up and think you can fix it in the morning!?

So you think I'm gullible and stoopid?! Fine. Then leave me alone in my gullibility n stoopidity coz I really ain't gotta deal with this shit.

I wonder will Shorty n I ever go a mere seven days without fighting? It's becoming such a drag. I hate repeating myself to a grown man as though I'm involved in dog-training. Oh hell no! I really dunno what can fix this but my head ain't over there right now. I gots a show in the early hours of Monday morning. Another reason why I'm so annoyed. This nigga is fucking with my focus... I should just knock him out like Charles Hamilton. His inconsideration shows jus how self-involved he is. Like dude... The world does not revolve around you! And maybe that's been my fault... You write a coupla posts about dude, he begins to feel and act as though he rules your world. F-off!

Well, I'm obviously peeved. But like I been saying, anger ain't a real emotion. I'm hella disappointed and disheartened. And I hate to say it, especially after the other day... A part of me has to laugh at that though... How fuckin unoriginal... A nigga trippin afterwards... Well that's what you get huh... Oh well... Dirt off my shoulder!

As much as I mean that... I realise that this is merely the price of caring for somebody. You become vulnerable to being hurt. Like I just heard on Grey's... Making friends makes for another loss along the way...

On to something a lil more constructive... I'm beginning to feel those nerves again, even though my show is like twelve hours away. I so need to bring it this time... Here's to some good post-show news!

Day 93-103: Magic Moments Part III

And then the magic moment happened...

Well, maybe it was not so much a magic moment coz I don't think my life changed in that instance but the way I looked at a certain person, changed forever that very night. And for the first time, I admitted it to myself and him. Twas quite profound. Like looking in the mirror. But really looking... Not a passing glance...

On the way home on the Wednesday evening, my car-pool dude had his weekly night lecture. I was keen to get home after an exhausting day which saw Shorty and me ignoring each other. Literally. Dude, twas so crazy that he even ducked into the toilet when he saw me. I followed suite and jumped up from where I was sitting. My heart in my throat as I tried to shake it off! Funny thing, I had just found out when we, the interns, would be going on air so I was hella excited but I couldn't even share that with him. Twas just wack.

If you've ever sat in Joburg traffic, you'll realise that the way to make it go faster is to talk. Well that works for me coz after a day spent at a radio station, I ain't tryna hear more DJ chit-chat or high-rotation singles! So car-pool dude and I often discuss my train-smash of a love-life! No matter how embarrassing, he always gets it out of me. When I've said it all, I'll either pass out or blog! By the time, we're done with that, it's often too dark to study.

This time, I was riding with a family friend (FF). He was dying to know how things been going, especially in the love-life department so I spilled! And he turned around and took Shorty's side. SHOCK-ED! He also said that I should be careful, listening to people that may wanna just sabotage my relationship with Shorty. True. But The Girls couldn't possibly be like the other ruthless Joburg women. That's not their style. At least that's what I think/thought. In his eyes, I should just holla at dude, simply coz I do like him. I was gobsmacked, there's no way I was gonna let my feelings make a fool out of me. They will go away. They must. Needless to say, FF convinced me to holla at Shorty, despite my head screaming OH NO!

The way my heart explained it to my head is that if we gonna end this, let's end it today and if it's gonna be saved then let's stop being mad and just save it. (I must say that I really thought this was it!) But first he must know exactly how I feel... So I call him up... I swear my heartbeat was hella irregular and I thought I might pass out from the anticipation...
Wish I had recorded this telecon so that the following could be a lil more accurate...

Ring Ring [regular amount of rings. He surprisingly didn't make me wait.]
S: Hello
KP: [tentative]Hey..?
S: [equally tentative] Hi..
KP: Um...Can you talk?
S: Yeah, I can...
KP: [icebreaker] Oh crap that sucks. I was hoping you'd be busy and then I could get off the phone and not have this awkward conversation. (nervous giggle)
S: (no laughs) Dude you don't understand how hard my heart is beating right now...
KP: aaaahhh baby, me too... [tears stinging my eyes, yearning to hold him (thru the phone- tnx Soulja Boy)]
There's something I must tell you.
[Momentary amnesia. I collects herself and go through go my mental script... I tell him about that fateful Saturday night when he couldn't take me home so I got picked up. Before we left Rosebank, we headed to MacDee's for some grub. As soon as I walked in through the door, some nigga that actually has a striking resemblance to Shorty, except he's way shorter, hollered at me.

I was not impressed. More annoyed. I had had a long day of election field-reporting and didn't want to have to deal with rejecting some random at 11 PM. Well, this dude was persistent but only because he recognised me. We hooked up back in high-school. In fact, I was dating his friend and we ended up hooking up, behind his buddy's friend. Not cool. But that's what you do when you are in grade nine at a single sex school! You almost live for male attention... Well, I hadn't seen dude since. And here we were exchanging digits. A week later, we bumped into each other, again, near Nino's. Walked him to his car and we spoke about my love-life and it's heavy sexual frustration component. It was not until later that I realised that I shouldn't be discussing such with an ex-flame that still gives me bedroom eyes.

I got punished for it. He tried to kiss me. Tongue down my throat and all! But I pulled away. This cutie who ain't talking about taking it slow, wants me but I push him away. On any other day, any other year, I would've just went with it. Even if it was just for those five selfish, self-indulgent minutes, I would've done it. And simultaneously written off any prospect of my relationship with Shorty...]

KP:... in my head, if I cheat on a guy, it really means that I'm over dude. I'm not expecting much from our 'thing'.I realised three things as a result of that night. One, I really like you. And I really want this to work. Two, if guys are jumping me then girls must be jumping you too. But how are you reacting? [More temporary amnesia.. this time in real time. I can't remember what number three was. Funny coz I nearly forgot it that very night too.] And that would explain why I ain't keen to put a label on us because if we do get hella serious, I'm gonna have to trust you completely. You'll have the right to truly break my heart. All defences down. I'm no good at being vulnerable. I'm very protective of my feelings.

S: I don't wanna lose you. I told you that these groupies mean nothing. [can't remember the rest... at this point I was in a haze...]
Wanna go to a movie?

Bottom line, we ended up seeing Wolverine, the following day. Which actually turned out to be a love story. The new week saw us talking for hours on Monday night, straight into Tuesday morning. He says that he never really talks to people... Which surprised me coz boy, does he have plenty to say. Which suits me just fine because I enjoy hearing about his plans and ambitions. It's inspiring because our dream-book pretty much reads the same way. He left so late that he even missed my 4AM news bulletin. My mom also slept through it... Classy. Impressed with neither.

The irony... We are getting closer through the fighting. It's weird but true. The drama is making us tighter... He actually said that I'm like his third arm... In the moment, it was so sweet but come to think about it, nobody really needs a third arm. In fact, doctors would recommend amputation. So maybe not the best compliment or metaphor... What does it mean anyway? I need you as much as I need an extra limb. Strange. The only time, I've come across that term is when somebody says that their cellphone is like a third arm It's an extension of the self. They can't live without it. It's always there. That's deep...

Day 93-104: Magic Moments Part I

Paulo Coelho once wrote of magic moments in his highly acclaimed novel, Down By The River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept. It's a heavy love story focussing on a young woman's quest for self discovery and more specifically love. He described a magic moment as that moment when a YES or NO changes your life forever. I feel like these 180 DAYS have been a series of magic moments in themselves. Which is bad and good. Good because everyday is one hella surprise after another. I can't say that I'm bored at all. But I also can't say that I know what's really going on even on the basics front. It's almost like having sex with a blindfold on. It's cool for a bit but after a while, you just wanna know what's going on... or maybe I'm just one hella control freak! Relaxa tu! But I guess that's what life really is. a series of decisions that ultimate contribute to the Butterfly Effect whether you'd like to believe in the weight that a seemingly insignificant action may carry.

Everytime I meet somebody new and we discuss some business ventures and something comes out of it... Everytime, some nigga hollers at me and I actually don't walk away and he turns out to be another soulmate (Yes, I believe in more than one)...
Facebook/MySpace and other social networking sites have been the catalyst of several magic moments. I've (re)connected with fam and even come across some dope people. But has my life been changed? as in really altered? Or just been made more interesting?

I rate that you'll never really know the true extent of your actions. However, what I do know for sure is that the Butterfly effect exists. Everything, no matter how small, happens for a reasons so yes. Everything is connected. Everything is everything. That's what Ms Hill meant.

But for me the true magic moment, as in how I interpreted it as per the novel, occurred in the run up to my exam last Monday. For the past six years, I have been trying to finish up my BCOM: Accounting degree. The first two years were smooth sailing until my final year when I crashed and burned towards the finishing line in respect of the Tax and Financial Management modules. The following year, 2007, I bagged the Tax but the Financial Management proved to be a harder pill to swallow. I just couldn't or wouldn't understand. Last year, I decided to try finish within a semester via Unisa. I managed to two out of three of their Financial Management equivalent. I wrote a supplementary exam in October which also went badly. So badly, I had to re-apply. No supp, this time. I figure, I had trouble balancing my job and studies. Plus when you are so used to not understanding particular work, in this instance, Valuations, you're already defeated before you start. Well you feel that way and that self-fulfilling profesy comes to show.

This year, I again took up the Financial Management yolk. Partly determined to get it right this time. Partly certain that I don't really have the type of brain that grasps the curriculum therefore I should perhaps consider approaching the powers that be with the results of an aptitude test that proves that I have trouble getting my head around analytical type problems and maybe they will just give me a damn degree out of sheer pity and for my half-hearted peserverence and innovation. I don't think I could pull out the race card for this one!? ... But worse, I was considering giving up, basically at the end of the race which amounts to not having bothered to try in the first place. With the pressure that my mom was putting on me and the prospect of a life continually on the hustle sans the financial cushioning that comes with a cushy Chartered Accountant gig, I been freaking out! And that's why I been studying since February. I even handed in both my assignments which turned out to be well done. Ain't nothing like fear to motivate you.

Last Monday was a culmination of my efforts. I spent the weekend, studying. I mucked about only on Saturday but I was sooooo focussed that I told Shorty that we couldn't hang. SHOCKING, I know. Don't even begin to think things went smoothly. They don't ever. That would be too easy... Especially where that nigga is concerned...

Day 81-84: Famous Last Words...

When I was younger (like a month ago lol) I was heavily afflicted with wanting all the things that I can't have. Mostly coz it's just human to yearn for all the stuff that aren't easily accessible. From a pair of jeans to a guy. You forget to count your blessings. It's the way of the world. And when you finally have it, you wonder if you even really wanted it in the first place...

You may truly be suffering from buyer's remorse but sometimes it's just the culmination of both self-doubt and greed- ie feeling as though you don't really deserve such pleasure for whatever inane reason, missing the thrill of the chase and wondering if you can get this, what else is in store which could be bigger n better.

Shorty asked me to be his girlfriend on Friday night/early hours of Saturday morning. Yes, I know I should just live in the moment and enjoy this. But please just indulge me for a sec....

No question about it, I'm hella flattered. I did not see it coming though. That nigga lives for suprising me, I swear. I never really know how he's gonna act, react, respond. It keeps me on my toes, I guess. And very independent in thought. I couldn't try impress him even if I tried coz I never know where his head is at. Plus, that just ain't my steez. He likes that. He said he is looking for somebody to keep him grounded... And um it appears that I'm the only one in the running coz he knows that many chicks that holla at him are doing it for superficial reasons. I know right, also shock-ed that he knows as much... Not jus a cutie...

So am I having second thoughts? Not really. Just thinking how crazy the past two months been and if being his gf will prove to be easier. Or will the pressure of a relationship tear us apart for good. Doesn't it amount to getting hitched even when you're in troubled waters. Or throwing a baby into the mix. That's jus stoopid!

I really had just gotten my head around us just dating. As in only dating. Nothing hectic or serious. I thought we'd do an extended version of that beginning part of hooking up. Dating without expecting much. I hate to put it that way but I thought we'd be like friends that hang out and make out.

Slightly better than 'friends with benefits' but certainly on the same (lack of) accountability level. I was so over expecting something half-decent from him and our lil set-up coz those expectations and hopes gave me mild heart-burn. So I let go a tad. And lo and behold, it made him realise that this is where he wanna be. I think. Hell, I hope. But lately he's been dropping that 'I don't wanna lose you' line.

I remember using that line on a few occasions when I could feel that I was about to lose my partner.
I wish I could say I planned it all. As if! And even as I joke, I know this ain't gonna be easy but we really been working hard at this. Yes, everyone been saying that there shouldn't be any difficulty in the beginning. I say well, there is no hard n fast rule. Again, what's meant to be will be.

I figured that I should resave his digits. It's weird seeing his name on my screen now. It's weird being somebody's girlfriend again considering that I was not looking to get involved. I guess that's the best kinda situation... Um... I dunno why I think that. I JUST DO. I figure it to be serendipity... A pleasant suprise. I don't like talking about this coz I really ain't sure where my head's at.

Like I said in a tweet, it's like getting new spectacles when you didn't really know that your vision was blurry. Now everything is clearer but now you don't have the words to describe what you are seeing... Make sense...?

Yeah... Not so much? So until we can use words (heard this on Supernanny. A mother talking to one of her tantrum-prone twins) , we will be enjoying it. Until we have reason or the rationale to feel otherwise... Wow... That sounds dodge simply coz with matters of the heart, logic gets thrown out the window so why am I feeling heartburn? Do I wanna do this or not? Aaaargh... Oh goodness... Heartburn!

I'm scared that I'll put down my walls for Shorty and I'll only get hurt. Only so much a girl can take. And in a relationship, you can't be mucking about. Get real or get out! You see!? Aaaargh! So we ready for that? Really? Eish... Let's ride and see... I know I can do it. I jus wonder about him. And really... should I be getting hectically involved with somebody I wonder about? Can't believe I'm still asking these questions. You know when I'm around him, I can't find these words. When I'm around him, his eyes reassure me. And all this amounts to paranoia. Ain't it funny.

Day 78: Girl Talk- Blessin' or Bitchin'?

I come from an all girls high school. That background shaped much of my personality. There are two types of females in a single sex institution- the strong, bossy Miss Independent type versus the shrunken violet type who's hella vulnerable and tries to impress her peers by engaging in dodgy behaviour.

From my black n white view of the situation, many situations, it's clear that I fall into the former category. I consciously avoided being friends with many girls, especially plastics because of the lack of trustworthiness and the fierce competitive spirit that was enforced upon us via academic and extra-curricular colours and awards.

Put in work/ If you don't want the girl to talk/ And you don't want your feelings hurt/ Put in work/ Cause if you don't/ That girl's just gon' go spreadin' the word

Even though I am able to share some laughs with Ms Fabulous and The Girls... Hell even though Ms Fabulous shares my birthday... Truth is we couldn't be more different. I don't do weaves or wigs or make-up or jangly jewellery or gold chains or black-berries or tight fitting denim or hectic gym or heels or open slingy sandals or skimpy dresses. That sorta outward glam is just not my steez.

Ever since I can remember, I've never been crazy about the concept of money. And even though I adore being spoilt by a man, I cringe everytime the bill comes. I have to literally fight the urge to reach inside my purse. Come to think of it, I get the same feeling when I pass a hobo or a street musician. Even when I'm broke so broke that I literally can't afford to give away a rand, I sometimes will, hoping that Mother Dearest will sort me out later. I actually try not to give out less than R5 coz anything less really amounts to nothing in today's inflation. But if I ain't got it, oh well, it's better than giving nothing. I feel so bad when I don't give. I feel worse when I allow a nigga to cover everything... When I'm that chick that gets picked up and dropped off and paid off... I mean dude... I feel like I'm using dude... Or like dude is investing time and money and I'm just there... A financial burden. Relationships aren't cheap... And with my (just below) two grand stipend, two series and residence in Pretoria (50km away from the events hub that is Jozi), I can't afford much right now. Especially now that I've taken an extended hiatus from writing:) And because I'm an accountant at heart (and academically), I'm accustomed to working for my own money instead of accepting hand-outs from Mother-Dearest. I often have to stop my brain from automatically calculating the costs that my date may be incurring. So when Shorty told me that he wouldn't be able to take me home on Saturday coz of a tight financial situation, I was not over the moon but I was understanding. I was also mildly impressed at his candour but I mostly found myself cringing, as usual, at the mere mention of money.

The Girls figure that I'm wasting my time on a dead-end situation with Shorty and I should be getting pampered and spoilt by a more 'financially-focussed' man who can wine and dine me to my heart's content.


Now I'ain't sayin she a goldigga/ But she ain't messing with a broke nigga...

It takes a lot to pull at my heart-strings. And money is the absolute last thing on my list... Hell did I even mention it on to the list, last time?

Paul was my broke-ass toy-boy and while I was ok with playing the sugar-momma to a 20 year-old, I couldn't help but resent the way that he couldn't just spoil me whenever. But I felt worse for expecting something, anything when he was clearly unable to afford it. So I would pay even when he wanted to coz the-accountant-in-me wouldn't allow him to spend what could possibly be his last monies.

So you can imagine what a significant adjustment it has been to date someone who actually can afford to treat me to a thing or two (well... Most of the time...)

Funny thing happened, The Girls were so determined to have me move on and move up (lol like I BEEN threatening to) that one of them typed out a break up text. I wasn't about to send it. Atleast not yet. That's the thing about calling something off, you gots to be prepared to be done for good. I don't break up with people for reactions anymore. It's important to mean it coz you dealing with another human being, they are known to be unpredictable when their backs are against the wall. Plus at the end of the day, you gots to live with your decision, not your friends. If I am making a mistake, atleast I made it myself so I'll take full responsibility for it. But living through others can only result in unwarranted resentment. I'm a grown ass woman. Umma do me!

So where's the line? Nigga gots to have a job right. You ain't gotta make millions but can we atleast check out a play at the State Theatre!?

Day 74-77: Breathe n Stop...

I guess it can't really end until you're ready to let go. As in, you're not still pining or reminiscing or fantasising... Until those good memories are only that and not an urge to make some more... Otherwise you are still pretty much in the thick of things despite your denial and determination to move on.

As much as I wanna just be over this Shorty saga, truth is that the disgust has returned to just being good ol typical mistrust-fueled con-fuss-ion.

I don't know what's right and what's real anymore/ I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore/ And when do you think that it will all become clear/ Coz I'm being taken over by The Fear...

The very day after I wrote my last blog, Shorty again failed to return my stuff even though I had expressly reminded him and he had expressly committed to doing so. But I guess what did I expect, nigga BEEN flakey! That was what I thought to my myself as he pitched up empty-handed on yet another occasion.

Honestly, I was more bothered by the fact that I'd have to deal with him again when he finally sticks to his word. I had no clue how that would pan out coz just the sight of him disgusted me. No, he had not turned ugly overnight but the thought of his betrayal had me trippin. So I kept my words to a minimum. I must have managed about five. Whenever he was within my proximity, I walked away. I knew that if I opened my mouth to exchange more than a greeting, I'd scream at him and maybe even make a scene. Dude, I was fuming. My insides were puffed up and the blood was boiling. I felt my ears get hot and forced myself to get some water from the kitchen.

He did well to seem unaware of my mood by not bothering to enquire about it. Which was just as well coz I needed to cool it clearly.

The following day was hella busy in the newsroom. Whoopdedoo! This time, Short pitched with my stuff. SUPRISED, SUPRISE! You coulda knocked me over with a feather. An ambiguous feeling fell over me. Firstly, Joy coz my damn camera was safely back in my possession and as I flipped through the pictures, I was a lil disappointed to find no evidence of his deception. Dammit this nigga managed to delete everything, I thought. Not that it's a difficult device to navigate but really Shorty has no clue when it comes to technology. It's quite laughable. One hella juxtaposition compared to his modern appearance and vibe. And boy did he look good. Hotdammm! It left me wondering where the disgust had gone. Actually the disgust faded when he denied all the allegations levelled against him [Yho the newsroom gots me talking crazy]. Goodness how gullible am I? Or rather, how hectically do I want this nigga to be in the clear? Or worse, how bad have I got it?

Exit Lily Allen stage left.
Enter Keri Hilson stage right.

Sometimes [like] comes around/ And it knocks you down/ Get back up/ When it knocks you down/ Knocks you down....

The plaster was only coming off my walls because I had anticipated the worst and the worst had not quite arrived. Yeah... Come to think of it, it was rather silly of me to think that he would admit to having his arms around another woman. And I actually articulated as much but I was more relieved for his denial than anything. He may have thought to be dismissive but as soon as he saw how I was not budging or smiling, he decided against it and adopted the ' you know I'm crazy about you' stance....

Exit Keri Hilson.
Enter the Cadbury man...
'...And all resistance crumbles...'

Dude! You telling me that I gots to get mad just so that this nigga can gimme some proper attention. Obviously I wasn't thinking all of that at the time. Unfortunately, rationality is hella sparse during times like these.

I don't know how but he managed to cast doubt over Ms Fabulous's observations. It's as logical as reckoning that she needs to get her eyes checked. He figures that he wouldn't be hollering at some girl if he knew Ms Fabulous was looking. He also spoke of how he appreciates me being in his corner and he wouldn't wanna mess that up.

Exit Cadbury Man.
Insert puppy dog eyes here.

That Friday night he drunk-dialled me and pretty much reiterated his words from the afternoon. Frankly we've heard these before... That he'll make it up to me (um, what's he gonna fix if he didn't do anything wrong... Oh for not telling the Mos Def chick to go fly a kite instead of 'tacitly' entertaining it) and he is gonna work harder at this. He said everything but declare his undying love. And when he called Saturday morning, he was well-aware of the late-night telecon. [insert RELIEF here]

I been giggly since.
[insert Lily Allen ENCORE here]

I dunno hey. I really don't. I like him so much that I'm being blind or rather, I'm choosing to turn a blind eye and make up excuses for days... That's some power he got over me...

I hope to goodness, I'm wrong about this dread and mistrust. To goodness. As much as I'd hate to be a fool, I'd hate to have to change the way I look at him more...

Day 73: Move on! Move up with Mr Spears!

You know this ain't the first time/ This has happened to me/ This love sick thing/ I like serious relationships/ And a girl like me don't stay single for long/ Coz when a boyfriend and I break up/ My world is crushed and I'm all alone/ The love bug crawls right back and bites me/ And I'm back... She can't help it/ She just can't help it/ Can't help it/ Jus can't help it...

It's funny how when you put yourself back on the on the market, you start to notice other people that you probably never really noticed before. They make you wonder why you ever removed yourself in the first place. Why you settled for less and more specifically, everything you ever promised to never be party to again? Why you volunteeringly put yourself in a straneous situation? After really beating yourself up about it, you finally get back on the horse and lo and behold, there's a welcoming committee.

I'm gonna say what I been saying since the beginning of the 180 day journey, I ain't looking to get involved but I ain't looking to get used either. Niggas take advantage of that. So I can't just be throwing it around. Maybe I should engage that non-exclusive dating that Ms Fabulous suggests. But truth is that I live for human connections. The real kind. They don't have to be really deep but simply delightful. Whenever you can laugh with somebody, connect with somebody, empathise... That's the human connection.

So what am I looking for in a man? I'm a sucker for a man that has an interest in the arts. Somebody who's face beams up in an art gallery or at a hot design... Hell, an appreciation for music especially the deeper stuff... Somebody who not only sees the complexity and simplicity of life but also appreciates it through plays, books, artsy fartsy movies and music. Somebody I can party with, laugh with, cry with, talk with.... I should be comfortable enough to do my wack booty hop around him. And not cringe when he rocks his own two-step. I should feel desired for my entire being, physical and religious and spiritual. Especially the last two.

I should look forward to being around him and when it happens, I should want it to never end. He should help me improve myself. Have that sort of self-appreciating effect without being overwhelming or obnoxious. Be wary of my sensitivities and hardcore, unintentional insensitivity. He must please be funny. I love to laugh. Carefree with a warped sense of the world.
He must be religious and spiritual. Aching for a higher calling. Understanding my proclivity to be celibate. He should feel free to touch my hair. Or hold my hand. Or share. Talk back! Stand for something, anything substantially.

Some fashion sense for goodness sake. Have an eye for beauty without being self-indulgent. Enjoy watching live cricket, footbabll, basketball. Willing to engage in my random spurts of energy. When I demand that you race me to the corner just because... you best saddle up and do it.

But please he must be able to say no coz I can be handful. It's all about balance, I guess. Well more balance than not.

Now for my favourite part and probably the first and last line of red tape for most guys.... Lol... The physical. Obviously not cut and dry.... Simply- tall, dark n handsome. Chocolate skin. A lil to some muscular definition. Flat stomach. Swag for days. Good fashion sense. Dope kicks. Cute, tight ass for his ass flattering jeans. Fitting shirts. Brush cut. Intoxicating Cologne. He best be able to handle his alcohol and shy away from getting trashed especially via drug abuse. Some humility coupled with confidence. Introspective n perceptive. Patient and kind. Likely to suprise me out of the blue. Listens. Able to apply his mind and look out for me. Feeling secure, I mean protected/safe, around him is hella important.

If this guy comes along, how can I possibly say no even though I ain't looking...

As for Shorty, I'm still waiting to get my stuff back. Haven't seen him all week. While FFB is looking less and less like an option. I'll pass. Now there's this other dude. Hella intelligent and intriguing. But unavailable and apparently a baby daddy despite his tiny wiener... I haven't seen it but I gots the info on good authority... Lets call him Lil Man... Let's see if he remains an extra in the background... Lover was tryna hook up... I haven't had the time or nothing plus this Shorty situation gots me feeling hella turned off men in general. Just as well. I been a lil guy crazy of late.

Day 71-72: Spear-o-damus

Whenever you are just about to go on your periods, life sorta colludes in making the PMS that much more potent.

My gal,Ms Fabulous,was kind enough to let me in on a little secret. Albeit five days later. As Mother Dearest would say, 'molato ga o bole'. The spelling is probably incorrect but the Tswana loosely translates into 'a problem never rots/goes bad no matter how long it's been there'. She often says it when we are watching a soapie or those Forgive and Forget type shows when the victim finally gets retribution or more specifically, the evil woman gets bust for all her plotting. The idiom couldn't be more fitting right now, with nearly a week having passed.



It turns out that Shorty was all cuddly-couple on Thursday at Mos Def. And I have a sneaky suspicion that this is the same short shorts Miss Thang from that one do we attended together, end of last month. Remember he disappeared for a minute. And had some cock n bull story to go with it.

On top of that, this chick was apparently using my digicam to snap pictures with him! So that would explain why he still hasn't returned the cam coz it's probably still filled with incriminating evidence. It's actually quite pitiful. Besides being filled with his indiscretions, the cam also probably has some dope pics of Thursday's performances... But this numb-nut can't begin to share these coz Miss Thang will probably wonder where the rest of the luvey-dovey pictures are.

Dirt of my shoulder. Finally the tongue-burn has occurred. About damn time. And again, thank goodness, I never gave it up. To think I felt bad for comforting FFB coz of his ailing aunt meanwhile, Mr Man is playing with my feelings. Ait. I been helping get his stuff together, offering some advice, only to be repaid like this.

But now that nigga got my shit. My camera. My charger and plug. My jersey. My lip-gloss. Lol... Dude, this would explain why he didn't want me to go fetch his phone when he had forgotten it in the car, on Sunday. His guilty conscious. I wouldn't have looked through it but I guess he would rather be safe than sorry. With my luck, it probably would've rang in my hands.

Now, I hate to say I told you so. But I did. I been saying that something's off. That I don't trust this nigga. Now I know. So my gut is working. Relief. Thank goodness it ain't paranoia. I really couldn't deal.

What's worse is that I'm apparently the other woman, [yet again! After specifically telling this nigga that I don't want drama. Ya neh. So much for respecting my quest for truth]. This chic is apparently widely known as his girlfriend. Classy. Poor chick. Poor me.

Yeah, that's enough self-pity. In fact, I ain't privy to any. I knew. I did. You probably knew too. I broke every rule of the how to tell that 'He's Just Not That Into You' list by listening to him claim to be digging me, missing me, trusting me... And most of all being single and tryna see where we go. I listened to him. Instead of my gut.

I'm tired. Absolutely exhausted. This nigga managed to play me despite my best intentions. So it is kinda like Paul again. In fact it is. I trusted somebody who is clearly not to be trusted. Dude! And how many times did I tell him that honesty is the single most important thing to me? Oh but he made so much effort to see me? Ms Fabulous says that playas get off looking as though they put in some effort. It ain't nothin but a thing to them. I'm easily impressed, clearly. I mean he saw this chic Thursday night only to call me the following day and hang with me that night. And Sunday night. He apologised for not doing so yesterday. Wow. And drive me home. And pick me up.

So now that we know he's triflin', do we call him and scream into the phone? Nah, not my style. Anger ain't a real emotion. I'm hurting. Down but not out. So I need to chill. This been going on for a minute so what's it gonna hurt to only voice my hurt later? Coz I may be nicer later? Nice ain't truth when I really just wanna hang him by his fat-ass.

Not my style either. Any guy that deserves to make you feel like literally killing him, doesn't deserve your time. You giving him way more attention than he deserves so walk away.

So my way of venting is blogging coz life will sort him out. It ain't my steez to teach a grown man. It took a lot for me to call him today and not call him a big fat liar. I played it cool and even cold but requested that he please bring my cam back coz I need it. Bull. He promised tomorrow. I just wanted to get off the phone quickly so it completely slipped my mind to ask him to drop my stuff off with security if he happens to go past the office tonight.

I'm not up to seeing him. I'm hella disgusted. The thought of second base is even having the opposite effect. Not even a lil smile.

So how am I gonna deal with this? If the opportunity presents itself, I'll tell him what I know and that I'm out. Either way, by reading this, he'll know that I'm done. Peace nucca!

Day 67-70: Frontin'

I often blog, hoping to locate a resolution within the text. Especially when I'm struggling to express myself verbally, I find that writing organises the con-fuss-ion.

It's pretty much in the same vein as when I teach my Sunday School kids. By explaining to them, I grasp the concept better. Writing amounts to explaining to the self. No wonder school teachers often insist on pupils summarising study material into their own words. Coz you figure more via that method...

Where am I going with this?
Dunno really. I'm just hoping to figure out the Easter weekend.

The last time I blogged, I thought that Shorty and I we're pretty much nearing the end of our lil escapade. In fact, I still haven't resaved his digits [just in case I turn out to be right, I guess].
The irony is that his digits now appear on my screen more than they ever did.

That translates into two things...
1. It's a wonder that I don't know his number off by heart by now. But honestly I'm making a concerted effort not to commit the last seven digits to memory. My eyes merely scan over them.
2. Somebody been reading the blog and stepped it up. Well, he admitted as much. But before we tackle that...

I was more than prepared to have to walk away. Well, my defences were/are up. And I was hella impressed with myself for having not gotten hectically physical with him. In over a month, in fact only recently, have we gotten as far as second base. That's huge for me. This whole thing is hugely different. But question is, is it good different or bad different? Now that he's putting in some effort, I really dunno what to think or feel. Does it really amount to effort or merely convenience? I mean it's not like he's going out of his way.

I don't think I like him any less but I'm still not sure if he really likes me period. Which makes me less enthusiastic. To the point where I wonder why he bothers.

Honestly I just have a wierd feeling that something's off. I only have this feeling. So I can't get serious or be serious about this. That would be dumb. I'll hang with the nigga but I ain't expecting the moon or stars. Just a good time. Like Carev [from Grey's] said, 'if it works out, great. If not, it's ok, I'll get over it. I always do!'

That pretty much sums up the past few days. I'm less than impressed by his inability to let me know when he's delayed or caught up. It feels disrespectful. In fact it reminds me of my hip hop ex. He simply was never aware of the time as far as I was concerned. In his head, it was ok to completely disregard my feelings and make me wait. Wtf? So I kicked him to the curb on numerous occasions after he pleaded for forgiveness on numerous occasions. In fact, I haven't spoken to that nigga since the beginning of the year.

Another thing that's of concern is Shorty's near discomfort around me. He ain't completely relaxed.


Oh, it tears me up/ I tried to hold on but it hurts too much/ I tried to forgive but it's not enough/ To make it all okay...
You can't play on broken strings/ You can't feel anything/ That your heart don't want to feel/ I cant tell u something that ain't real/ The truth hurts/ A lie's worse/ How can I give anymore/ When I (like) you a lil less than before...

And maybe that's the basis for my doubt. But how do I explain that or draw some answers out of him. Even though he claims to be reading this blog, he was not about to discuss it. And I was not about to push for that. He says he's a man of few words. I think he just doesn't want to hurt me. Yet, he's often said that if he didn't wanna hang out, he'd let me know... So I'm back at square one, wondering what am I missing? What is it that isn't adding up? My gut is screaming something but what?

Is he maybe still in love with an ex? [he still ain't comfortable with us holding hands. Um we make out and then act like a plutonic couple afterwards? Huh!] What? Hence my detachment. If I'm detached then whatever bombshell that's about to explode will be relatively harmless...

You know what's funny, by now, with any other guy, I'd be wondering if we are like boyfriend and girlfriend now. My head's not there now. I'm still getting my head around understanding Shorty. That's more than enough to deal with. Plus, I rather like this taking it slow thing. It's teaching me patience. And wouldn't you know, my cursing has decreased a lot except in cases of ecstasy lol. Seriously.

You know what would suck is if I found out he was seeing other people behind my back. Ya know, second basing with other girls. Maybe that's what's up...

Okay, I know that I may have portrayed a gloomy picture but really it could be worse. We are getting along well for the most part. He's actually hella humorous. Perhaps even a little more sarcastic than me. Who woulda guessed... I'm enjoying getting to know him without the pressure. It's just not as black and white as I'm accustomed to. But it's also not entirely whack. It's um- friendship with perks?

Day 66: The Curious Case of KP-Spears...

Like I was saying... It's like losing two things in one day... Boys come at a dime a dozen so I can get over Shorty... A cool job at a multi-national is proving to be a lil harder to swallow. Not because I really wanted the gig at this very time but coz it's exactly like a romantic scenario... Boy meets girl. Boy likes girl. Girl still deciding but allows it. Boy goes out with girl. Girl begins to like Boy. Boy changes mind. Boy leaves girl. Girl heartbroken.

She wasn't really checkin for him. And now her plans are a lil haphazard now that it's over. But really, the retraction of the job offer amounts to such relief coz I really was so torn about which step to take... Now I ain't gotta decide... So Three words... SUCK IT UP! And forget the pay hike! There's a bigger plan... Door closed and another opened behind you. Now stop staring at the closed door and look around! Harder to apply, I know... But I know that the Script-Writer is one hella creative guy... And he has some sorta plan. He always does. That's the thing about good times... Even, they pass.

This is the part where you JUUUUST deal. I had yet another dosage of thought-provoking cinema today. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button left my soul reeling. All through that movie, I either cried or I thought to myself, how fortunate I am. It's a wonder that I don't consciously recognise every moment coz every single day the Script-Writer BEEN reminding me how good I got it.


Benjamin was born old. All wrinkly. He was born only to be expected to die of natural causes. Out of the womb into a death bed. And even though he appeared to be as old as the hills, he was only jus a boy inside. So a forced old soul. Or rather he was born to be an old soul... Or he was one through and through and his physicality just showed his insides in a sense. As he got older, he started to look younger. His features softened up and his hair got thicker. [Speaking of which, can I just say the Brad Pitt is the single hottest, most enchanting man, that side of the hemisphere....] So he started to look really really young. There's a scene where he looks like a college freshman but his eyes show that he's been through a lot and that he has sucha story to tell but his physicalities, again, don't reflect that. And I felt that frustration. That's probably one of the few moments that one is content with ageing but because of their physicalities, they can't help but feel the exact opposite. Nobody really embraces age for the very reasons that made Benjamin feel estranged and different. Now that was a solid Old Soul moment. Then he got to his early teens stage, acne and all but his memory was fading. And he said, 'I feel as though I should be remembering something...' now that had me bawling... All the way to the end. It was one of those, it's better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all. Or in this case, is it better to have lived than not to have experienced the curiosity that is life? Right at the end when the love of his life is now old and he has been reduced to a baby, she says that he looked her in the eyes and for the first time in a long time, she could see that he remembered their life together. And then he closed his eyes...for the last time. [insert flooding here... Ironically, the movie was also experiencing a hurricane]

I've always thought that babies have this thing. They know much more than they realise... Well, they know more than they would be able to articulate or even remember to share when they are eventually able to verbally express themselves. They often give you a knowing look and now I have a word for it... that was a 'Benjamin' moment.

So I finally got home. And then Shorty texted. I still haven't resaved his digits. Needless to say that I recognised them. Dammit! He claimed to be thinking of me. Yho Mr Smooth... Needless to say that he soften me up nicely... He hadn't been able to get the digicam earlier coz the newsroom had me running around in circles [which I absolutely loved! I'd rather be busy than be dealing with Heartbreak Hotel nonsense!] and my phone was on silent and so I missed all thirty thousand of his calls. By the time I had returned them, he was gone. But now he still needed the cam so we provided for another pick-up before the Easter weekend... What the hell am I doing? Oh... He did fail the test... Well, technically its not his fault coz the guy that hooked him up only had an extra one. I found it hilarious the way he explained the scenario considering I had merely asked if he was gonna be attending the Mos Def gig. I got more than a yes which made me think that he may be reading this blog... Ha ha... Or he just figured it out himself... Man, I'm obvious!

Again what am I doing? Oh Lover is alive and well.......... Nuff said about that subject the better... Coz we clearly got some spies up in this piece!

Day 64-65: What I Can't or Won't see...

Life is one big fat bitter-sweet moment. Often what tastes so good, can turn around and leave your mouth reeling. It's like chewing on that ol skool Wicks Bubblegum. It's all pink, sugary and gooey... Slippin n slidin all over the inside of your mouth. You basically chew your life away but it's not enough to keep it the gum in one spot so can't really feel that sweetness... And then the worst happens, just when you are getting the hang of it, your tongue gets in the way right in the middle of biting down hard... It's so sore that that the gum is now the worst thing you've ever had in your mouth... The absolute worst.... And you quickly spit it out, hoping that the pain will quickly subside. It finally does but now you have a gaping gash on your tongue. A reminder that you should've just taken your time.



Same goes for tongue burns. There's absolutely no good reason for them coz the very food that you were rushing to devour won't taste as good because your genetic taster is under going severe burns therapy. But all too often, I'll burn my tongue with tea just because I hate the taste of cold, even mildly warm, tea. Even at the expense of my super rockin tongue... Just this morning, I couldn't brush too hard over a certain spot....

My point is that I'm not so good with learning lessons. Even when I know that I'm in the middle of a tongue burning exercise, I'll still be hoping that the hot ham and melted mozarella won't scald my tongue even though I'm well aware that that's exactly what a freshly toasted sandwich does best.

It's almost as though, I prefer just finding out for sure... every single time! Isn't that insanity?!.... Like those women in the movie I watched today. 'HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU' made me remember what I always knew... That hot tea and Bubaloo bubblegum should be tackled at the consumer's own risk. Same goes for love. So maybe it is all fair in love [and war]. Haven't decided on the latter though.

Time for the truth. I really don't think that Shorty likes me all that much. At least not enough. I may have alluded to it in previous blogs but now my whole being is nodding in agreement and singing 'Praise Hallelujah!'.

Funny thing is that as I was typing this blog, he called... quick digression...

[I think I have some powers of some sort that make it possible to WILL him over. Earlier, just before the movie, I left the office for Nouveau. Once at the front of the line, after queuing for over 15 minutes, I realised that my massive handbag is carrying everything but my dam purse. So I call 'Alicia Keys' at the office, she has a look around and lo and behold, she spots it on one of the work desks. So I tell the cashier my situation and he promises me a free pass to the front ofthe line upon my return. I rush back to the office, get my purse but now I gots to pee. Been holding it in for a minute and in my rush to the cinema, I had avoided going to the toilet as not to waste any time and not be late for yet another movie. And as I sat on the toilet seat, I thought to myself... why are all these d8iversions happening? is the scriptwriter planning for me to bump into Shorty? "Oh hush, that's not possible, I thought to myself. Stop dreaming!" I thought to myself. So I grabbed my stuff and left. And as I'm saying goodbye at the door, he walks in. My heart stops. We exchanged a greeting and I left. oh he looked soooooo good! Anyway, I called him en route back to the cinema. He sounded less than excited. And I was happy that I had not bothered to shower him with attention just to be tacitly rejected. I'm feeling hella vunerable at the moment and I figure I gots to build up my defences.]

If he wasn't on MTN then I probably would not have recognised his number coz during the movie screening, I deleted every inch of him from my phone. So he calls right and I think to myself 'oh my gosh, I could be wrong about this one'... So I crossed my fingers and listened as he went into how he had called to check up on me and all that... At this point, I like a lil baby, all goo-gaa-gaa... Lovin the luv... The glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel! And then it went all dark again when... he asked me what time I'm coming in tomorrow. Now I'm thinking, he wants to come see me! Oh my gosh! But I kept it together... 'Why?' I asked coolly, keen to suppress any pre-mature joy...

And boy was it uncalled for coz he only wanted to know if he can borrow my digicam for the Mos Def press con tomorrow. I fought the urge to ask him if that was his sole intention for calling. A part of me is wishing that I had just asked but after the tense weekend and Monday [we fought about me being way too crude and rude after I made a comment about his dodgy looking friend on Saturday. Yho, he was basically screaming at me. Twas hectic. Yesterday, I thought for sure that he was gonna tell me that we should quit hangin out. He told me to cool it though. He says I'm the one complicating things. Right. Coz I'm the only one in this hey. I nearly walked away myself. But I kept my words to a minimum and let him blow his fuse. What came out of it is that we should be patient with each other and I should curb my vulgarity] that we had, I guess I'm hoping to be wrong about him one more time. Clearly I didn't get the premise of the movie. Or the very lesson at the beginning of this text.

Besides, I have one clear cut way of figuring this out. He has two tickets to the event on Thursday. Question is will he invite me? A no means curtains. A yes could mean a possible winner. My gut is telling me to be prepared for a huge disappoint. And after this weekend and yesterday, I'm about ready to be set free from the chains of this thing. Honestly coz I'm missing the good vibes. There's more bad than good and because of it, I ain't feeling the way I should. My gut is screaming 'run!'. My eyes are saying but 'He's so cute, don't be an idiot.' Oh well. We'll see what the future holds... Either way, I'll be ait. Maybe losing two things in one day is just ok.

Day 60-63: what now?!

The past few days have been hella taxing. Personally and professionally. Good and bad. The day after April Fools Day marked the end of a very dramatic two months. None of what has transpired on the road to 180 Days ever occurred to me as a possibility. Not even a remote one.

Before we tackle the present and what the remaining 120 may bring, let's recap...Lol!

So I broke up with my boyfriend at the beginning of the year, only to keep in contact well into the end of January. Cut off the communication on the day before I began this hot internship which was sure to be my ticket to a successful radio career (but I quickly realised that it wouldn't be as smooth a ride).

So there I was, competing for top honors with eleven other eager beavers at work and completely cut off from my ex-soul-mate. Ok maybe not completely but we certainly don't talk as much as we used to. Not even a fraction. Recently, it's hardly ever, which is good considering that by the second week of February, somebody new had caught my eye.

It was not the plan but a few niggas had caught my eye. From a light-skinned cutie at a campus radio staff party who managed to screw up my Valentine's Day with his 'ex'-gf drama to the excruciating baby-momma drama of an unavailable chocolate brotha with the sweetest, most sensitive n compassionate persona that I've ever seen. Sexual chemistry for days! Needless to say, Lover had to do him so I did me!

Even with my right arm in a sling, the world been to just shower me with excitement and I quickly shrugged off the tears for Lover. FFB (Footsie Footsie Boy) started to holla in between some fancy footwork. And so did a range of other men who were or are seemingly just interested in a fresh shag. And for that very reason, they are not worth a mention or a holla back.

Now you may wonder why there's hardly any mention of work. Honestly it was not half as exciting. Yes, I was in the thick of things, being inside the machine is nothing like being part of the machine. I'm learning all the technicalities but I really just wanna be a technicality! That's all I'm dying to do... Be on air again! So please don't think that I'm obsessed with the opposite sex coz quite the vice-versa is true... ha ha... And boy is it an ego-trippin experience...

But I'm hardly all about ego rubbing. Niggas come at a dime a dozen... Atleast that's what my head thinks... My heart is a lil more stubborn about accepting that notion.

So before FFB could up his game, Shorty entered the picture. During Lover's last days, Shorty had been an extra, somewhere in the background, quick to greet with nothing much to say. Once Lover was out the picture, Shorty quickly became a front-runner despite his dodgy pick-up lines... Out of nowhere, there was this affinity between us during the beginning of March. As much as I thought that my bleedin' heart was being provided with the best get-out-of-jail free card, I quickly realised that this convenience came with complications despite his single status.

In between his alleged ex-fling drama, psycho chick 'friends' and take-it-slow nonchalance, I struggled to figure if we were coming or going. I was also introduced to the world of delayed physical intimacy. Wow! So how do you tell if he likes you? You can't really! Well not in the typical way. Only way to say is by him spending time with you, I guess and perhaps his word. Faith, really. It's like believing in God. It's blind faith and probably the most terrifyingly naive n in depth.

My career has also been asking for some faith. A job offer has me reeling. It's a tremendous opportunity to infiltrate Marketing, an industry that I've always been fascinated in. But I'm wondering if I should pounce on it or not considering that I want to be on air! Will it be a lil detour or a blessing? I dunno. But I always figured that if an offer came through than God expects me to take it coz he provided it. He knows I wouldn't be able to say no. He knows that I wouldn't know what to do...

Short of Him talking to me... Directly... I really dunno but I'ma go with the above. It will be hard to leave but new adventures await... I was supposed to give an answer on Friday already but they have yet to furnish me with the contract terms. Plus, with the elections coming up, the interns been deployed to the newsroom after a hectic Saturday workshop which saw one of the interns, 'Alicia Keys' spit fire at the news boss, much to his disgust! It's pretty much down to eleven now.



I'm hoping that even if I leave, I'll still be granted an opportunity to go on air but what the chances... What am I losing out on here? That's the gamble! You dunno what you got til its gone...

Another possible loss could come in the form of Shorty. He ain't too happy with my attitude and demands an adjustment. I don't like to believe astrology but the claims surrounding the dynamics between an Aries man-FIRE and a Pisces woman-WATER, kinda explain why fight so much... To be contd...

Day 59: Sinful...

Today I auditioned for the newsreader position. And even went to the music committee meeting... Aah something to do... So I was glad to be a little constructive. It beats fighting the urge to pull my hair out. It beats dealing with the funny looks. It beats engaging in long-winded, unproductive skinner sessions. I'm done with that. So much so that it feels as though my brain is turning to mush.

I haven't written an article in so long. And when I do try, I only get as far as trying to apply all the stuff that I've been taught. Instead of applying the instincts of a God-given talent, I'm using my brain. A mind that's been, for the most part, jaded. I'm no longer the writer I was.... Um... Of cos I am but I'm having trouble balancing what comes easiest to me and the awesome lessons I've learnt. Price of immaturity or maybe 'WE DON'T NEED NO EDUCATION!'... Maybe somebody else's lessons are merely that... SOMEBODY ELSE'S... I mean who taught that person and the person before... Sorry I'm sounding like those philosophical stoner rebels without a cause... Not the intention... Just saying though....

Because of Shorty's unavailability, I had planned on going to a movie but he left hella late so I couldn't catch one... As I'm walking past the local watering hole, I see FFB and some other mutual acquaintances. He's keen to keep me company til nine so we hang. His plan is to blunt and get crunk... Not just coz that's what he does on a regular basis but also to lessen his hurt. His aunt aka second mom is literally on her death bed. So he's in a state plus work is hectic.... The timing couldn't be worse. And he ain't so good with sharing those kinda feelings... My heart bled for him.... Even when he was poppin pills... Dude!

I dunno hey... Where the hell am I... Where people are doing drugs... Willy nilly... Like it ain't no thing... Am I gonna become like that? Is this what they call the fast life in Jozi? I ain't keen then...

Day 57-58: oh goodness...

You know when you like somebody so much that you sorta gag after talking to them coz you are so sure that you made an utter fool of yourself during that lil conversation. Or when they call at night and they are brazen enough to figure, out loud, that they are the reason for your insomnia. On the flip side, you cleverly realise that besides them being aware of how absolutely smitten you are, their call also indicates that they may be suffering from a similar affliction because of a lil thing called you... That's when your tummy gets tied up into so many knots that you wanna sit on it, somehow and squash those damn butterflies. You're certain that you could literally pass out from experiencing this overwhelming emotion... But then you realise that it's just gas... Once that's passed... You go back to wishing he was there, kissing you, holding you, talking, laughing, staring... Then your toes curl in... You think back to that earlier conversation... And the gag reflex kicks in...
It's a vicious, highly contradictory cycle which makes you wish, with much hesitation, that the situation would just plateau so that you may ultimately be able to get some sleep.

Why am I so shy around you/ Why am I so shy/ Why do I take care to astound you/ Why do I even try...

Shorty finds it incredulous that I, so dope and hella interesting, feels that way about him. Which is hella humbling coz I feel that way about him. Every time I expect him to tune me some story about me coming on too strong or suffocating him, he doesn't. Or the worst thing that a man can say, 'I'm not ready for a relationship.' He even says our hand-holding feels natural. Yes, he says all the right things... [insert deep, long, heavy sigh here]... And yet I doubt...

Today, I was labelled a playa by one of the fellow interns. She and some other dude starting counting all the guys with whom I've ever shared a hug (only two have really gotten more). But the truth is, It makes no difference to me if ten guys dig me at once coz much of the time, my definition of 'dig' is usually a lil different from theirs. Being objectified sucks. Its the price of beauty. The price of lust. The price of being a woman really. And it only just adds to our paranoia and mistrust of men in general. It's funny how I understand that from my point of view but I struggle when I try see it from where Shorty is standing.

Side-thought: I dunno where I'm going with this... So maybe I should just start with Monday...

His wicked sense of humour/ Suggests/ Exciting sex/ His fingers/ They focus on her/ Touches/ Venus as a boy... He believes in beauty/ He's Venus as a boy...
He's exploring/ The taste of her/ Arousal so accurate/ He sets off/ The beauty in her/ He's Venus/ Venus as a boy...

Ok that was the last digression...
My memory is a lil hazy but Shorty took me home coz car-pool-dude was off sick. Plus he had to make it up to me, right... Another session on the road in traffic.... And before I knew it, we were pullin up to my crib....

Tuesday began before dawn at an Outside Broadcast in Soweto. Once back at the office, there was nil to do so I went in search of physiotherapist. Oh and some deo.... Just before heading to my 1 'o clock at my former employer. They won't be giving me the other position but a marketing co-ordinator position. Dope! Slight problem, they are keen for me to start, like yesterday. But wait, what about my radio dream... Mm... Dunno hey...