Day 47 - 88 : Three Words...I Got You...

Often when I take forever to blog about whatever..its cos, I'm a lil outta sorts... I dunno what to say.. before it would be because I really was in two worlds about my feelings for Cutie.. and now... I'm just really overwhelmed.. and at the risk of repeating myself and gushing about how good he makes me feel... I decided to chill on the blogging...twas feeling hella gay...and OTT..and surreal...

But I love to write so I feel bad when I don't... especially coz I missed my bday.. .and the big move to Joburg...yes, I moved out my mom's crib.. I'm officially independent...except I gots no furniture and I feel like I be living in a cave.. seriously, it echoes when I'm on the phone..that's how quiet and hollow it is.. lol...

Back to the blog title... sometimes or even all the time... life seems to steer you in a certain direction...you see, hear things that I believe are meant to open your eyes or even make you aware of a different or even current perspective that you may not be acknowledging as well as you should...

goodness..that's sounds hella confusing... what I'm tryna say is...

There's a reason why the thought of Cutie makes my eyes water and that it scares me so much... there's a reason why he still makes me nervous and that I'd do anything to impress him.. there's a reason why I'm so overwhelmed and so in love...even though we're nine months deep... and I may not get all these reasons...

But the universe does and because I'm aching for answers..and well, sometimes, answers dont literally rain down from heaven... they come in soft, lil messages... and here we are... dissecting those...

I'm currently reading a book called "Committed" by the same chick that wrote "Eat, Pray, Love"... it's proving to be hella eye-opening... as it tackles the concept of marriage from the point of view of a heavy cynic who's also a divorcee...

so it's addressing all the questions I had...and all the doubts that I hadn't even managed to put into words... now that's a blog for another day...

not to long ago...we saw Dear John... Channing Tatum's latest flick about love during war times... yet another sob story for another day... i cried right through the movie as I recounted all the similarities between this work of fiction and our lives...

in this flick... the leading couple fall in love, basically at first sight (just like us)... it takes the guy a while to truly open up and be comfortable round the girl(just like Cutie)... the girl is close friends with a guy with an autistic kid (my brother also has development issues, although not as hectic as autism)... she sacrificed her happiness to help out her friend by marrying him when he got cancer so that his son would be looked after (For the longest time, Cutie was dealing with his ex gf, M and her unemployment situation and family problems... even though he wanted to break up with her, he wouldn't allow himself to "abandon" her...) The guy has to go way to war, a reference is made to a year (Cutie is going away for a year)... she wants to be a teacher to young kids (i'm a Sunday school teacher-liove kids!)...they send eachother love-letters (Cutie and I email/text all the time...)..they never said goodbye-it was always "see ya later" or something liek that (Cutie and I, always say later..i hate goodbyes!)...he shared things with her that he had never shared with anybody else and vice-versa (same with us, he's like my BFF lol)...they wanted to get married and have kids... (ditto!)

*tearing up*

Then there's the blog title... sometimes when you're in love, songs speak to you... in this instance Leona Lewis' new single "I Got You" took me, shook me and screamed at me...

The reason being that the three words that Cutie loves to use when he's saying goodbye are exactly that... he'll say 'I got chu neh..." and I'll smile completely reassured that he got me...

and now that he's about to go on his sabbatical... from everything including me... (oh gosh! sorry...yet another story for another day) Leona Lewis' words are even that much more heart-rending...

'Cause this is love and life
And nothing we can both control
(I got you)
And if it don't feel right
You're not losing me by letting me know
(I got you)

Go ahead and say goodbye
(Say goodbye)
I'll be alright

Go ahead and make me cry
I'll be alright
And when you need a place to run to
For better, for worse, I got you

so here I am, trying not to try... well, slightly comforted by the words to this song..coz really its ok..coz whatever happens.. I got him too...

and then there are times when I feel like I dont deserve him in my life... like its way too much good fortune..like Joss Stone put it.. I'm feel spoiled... cant even imagine my life without him... can't deal with him being away... just wanna get started on forever...

I'm spoiled
By your love boy
No matter how I try to change my mind
What's the point it's just a waste of time
I'm spoiled by your touch boy
The love you give is just too hard to fight
Don't want to live without you in my life
I'm spoiled

I tried to tell myself that I'd be over you in a week or two
But baby that was 'bout a year ago
I've never seen the word love so personified as I do with you
And that is why I just can't let go, oh no



Spoil me

And I would only be fooling myself if I tried to
Believe there's room for someone else in my heart
There ain't no way I'm getting over you
I don't know what I've been trying to prove
I'm hopeless, helpless when it comes to you

Day 41 - 46: Blog Challenge - Ten Things I Love about You

As you know, I've been threatening to complete this blog challenge for the past few weeks now... It took forever because I figured I couldn't do it in a hurry... Coz this is very close to my heart... well, today, right this moment, I've decided that everything can wait...


I walked in this morning to find a bunch of red roses and a box of chocolates on my desk..no card...no clue... I was genuinely surprised and my Monday was no longer blue... Cutie wasn't even on my radar coz in the run up to the Valentine's Day weekend, he was adamant about "not believing" in Vday...

So imagine my shock when I called him and he admitted that he was behind the lovely surprise on my desk... so here I am... completely and utterly keen to do this...coz I have one more very big thing to add to this list....

...10 things I love about Cutie... to Cutie...

1. I love your smile... so I make a point of making you smile/laugh all the time... coz you're so beautiful when you're doing it... I love contributing to your happiness...
2. I love the way you hold me close and send butterflies all over my body... every single time. I could never tire of holding your hand....
3. I love the way you kiss me... so gently and genuinely... and tenderly... I swear my lips were made for yours...
4. I love the way you are so caring and considerate..pretty much the exact opposite of me...you've made me want to be a better person... I wanna measure up to you...
5. I love the way you love your family...especially your sisters and mother... it's hella comforting...
6. I love the way you love your lil nephew... I love kids...um..I'll leave it there...
7. I love the way that you're able to stand up to me..balls of steel...what a MAN!
8. I love how childish you can be...completely idiotic..
9. I love the way you can be in the moment...
10. I love your desire to be bigger, better, bolder..the good way..via hardwork and such... it's motivating....
11. I love the way you always got my back, you never put me down.. you're so gentle and kind...
12. I love your sheer sexiness..omg! Nuff said!
13. I love the way you get all shy about your good looks… and compliments in general…
14. I love all of you! from your bitten finger-nails to your Denzel Washington 'fro..wouldn't change you for nothing...even though you look ten-times hotter clean cut (and who thought that was possible)
15. I love how you've accepted me for being brash, rude, cold and just wack at times..and you love me still...
16. I love how you'll pay attention and take my opinion in and still disagree with me..lol...
17. I love it when you say exactly what I'm thinking and vice-versa... or better yet, we'll say the same thing at the same time...
18. I love it when you call me/text me... at the same time as me or just as I was about to do it...
19. I love how you'll check on me and ask "u ok"?
20. I love how I can tell when something is bugging you..and then I'll have to basically drag the truth out of you..and then once you've told me... you'll feel slightly better..
21. I love being there for you...
22. I love you for letting me in...
23. I love that you still make me nervous... and gimme butterflies..after nearly a year...
24. I love that I love you more today then I ever did... and it just keeps growing...
25. I love looking into your eyes..and feeling the love...
26. I love thinking about you..and feeling the glow...
27. I love your daily texts/calls/mails...
28. I love that I don’t think that I deserve you..and the daily incredulity that surrounds the concept of “us”…
29. I love the fact that you know how to keep surprises... I could learn that too...
30. I love the way you say "I love You"..when I least expect it..when you mean it most..

so that wasn't quite ten..times that by three in fact.. and I'm sure there's much more..but for now...I'll leave it there... coz my insides feel like they've just mushed into one big potjie kos..gross...lol

Day 35 - 40: Blog Challenge - Random Meme

Here we go again... it's another blog challenge... from last week actually...hektik weekend...but I will get this out...and I really want to do the "10 Things I Love about You"..especially in light of Valentine's Day...but before we get ahead of ourselevs..here's the Random Meme...

If I could sing, I would learn how to play the piano asap! And entertain guests with various Alicia Keys renditions...

In my kitchen cupboard lies a half-eaten box of Ceerios.. they are hella sweet, especially when floating in milk. I'm not as enthusiastic anymore.


On my desk is a reminder that I need to tidy up!

Image in my head -Cutie and I living happily ever after...


In the middle of my to do list is a profile that I should have completed a while ago. Oh and plenty emails that I've been meaning to respond to.


I am dreading Cutie's sabbatical. I'ma miss him like crazy. I wonder if I'll be disciplined enough not to fall into temptation.

Right now I want to respond to all my starred emails. The was done first coz it's the most fun and doesn't feel like work...

I think that moving to Randburg is gonna make me a fully-fledged adult..possibly very broke as well.

Going to sleep seems like a very good idea right now. Can't deal with that to-do list..but I must.. HELP!

Day 28-34: One Week of Hell and Minimum Bliss...

Getting my drivers license proved to be a major highlight from last week. It happened on a Tuesday and by Thursday, things were already pear-shaped at work... I was having to learn that life can be hella unfair and that, that trusted adage still applies- its not about what you (can) do, it's about who you know....

Cue Kanye.... Wait til I get my money right.... At this stage of my career, I can't call in favours yet... Not that I roll like that but the world does so adapt or die?

I'd rather concentrate on what I can fix and change... Working hella hard to find accommodation near work so that I don't have to sit in traffic all morning... I'm hoping that I'll be able to spread my wings once I'm living in Joburg. Hopefully get started on that book...

So my work week pretty much sucked and then the weekend came and that was just filled with its own fair share of wtf!? On Friday, it was pouring and Cutie left early, much to my disappointment. Fridays are our thang...ya know... Then Saturday happened... Had an early shoot. Went shopping. Laid my eyes on the dopest kicks ever... The kind that Cutie would love... My heart said get them. My head reminded me that Cutie would probably not accept a random pair of shoes even if I had the perfect words to go with it... Such as... "new shoes for a new journey"... Cue the Johnny Walker sting- "Keep Walking"... But I got ahead of myself as usual... Not only did I not remember what size shoe he wears, I didn't wanna blow my cover so I got him size 8's- firstly coz they didn't have 7's in stock plus... If worst comes to worst- I have a brother and plenty male cousins... One of them surely wears an 8...

I got home n passed out... Driving can be hella exhausting... Especially as a newly licensed driver during my first weekend out with the car... woke up close to midnight. Woke up to my periods, missed calls, texts that couldn't come through coz of a lack of memory... Imagine the sheer irritation when Cutie said that he was not gonna see me despite being in the area. On top of that- turns out that he wears a size 7 Adidas and size 8 Nike... Let's jus say I didn't buy Nikes... I was hella unimpressed. So unimpressed that I needed a distraction bad... So we get ready to go out... As I'm leaving the parking space, I scrapped the car-door on my side against the concrete pillar... Twas hella surreal... What the hell am I gonna tell my mom?

Thank goodness for those new kicks that I "got" my brother... That should soften the blow... Man I hope they fit....well, they did! I guess that says a lot about my brother's genetics compared to Cutie's..lol! anyway....

Day 06-24: Five Stages of Grief

When I'm nervous, I bite my nails. As I type this, my left thumb nail is in my mouth, scrapping up against one of my top front-teeth. The only reason why I have yet to nibble through it, is simple really. I hate, absolutely despise, the way my fingers look once I've demolished my nails. So I'd rather not. Even though I have every reason to...

This week has possibly been the best and worst week all wrapped in one... Tuesday was good as I got my drivers license... Finally. Truth is I've lost count as to how many times I've had to take a driving test. Think I lost count at five. And in all honesty, I'd rather not recount all those failed attempts. Getting my drivers was like getting my degree. Unbelievable freedom! Feel like I'm growing up... FAST!

Anybody that has conscious been through growing-pains knows that they are almost never pleasant. And in order for the good to feel half as awesome then you gotta have some bad times to supplement that. And boy did I get my fair share of shit this week. Let me indulge in some self-pity for a sec...

On my return from my one-day leave on Wednesday, I drove to work and got stuck in the worst kinda Pretoria-Joburg traffic. The kind that makes you wish so desperately that you lived in Joburg. Goodness knows, I've been looking for accomodation near work and now that I can drive my car legally, I can widen my geographical search for a Jozi home.

Well, all this home-hunting has to take place in between work. Now before I could get carried away, I was unfortunately stuck in traffic.So I wasn't gonna go far for a while. If anything, I was only succeeding in annoying my superior. Well, to be honest, she was annoying me with nonsensical emails about my tardiness (complete with my boss copied). So rich coming from the queen of african time!

However, that's no excuse for being late. I accept that. But bitchy emails do nothing to ease the congestion on the N1 North highway. Don't even get me started on my frustration. Unless I can learn how to drive like a taxi-driver, there's no way, I can get to work on time and avoid the clogging up of my inbox... So until I've moved to Jozi, I don't think that I'll be on time for work anytime in the near future especially with the never-ending rainy weather and continuous construction on the road. She'll jussss have to be strong!

Still on the subject of exasperating motha-truckers... Oh my gosh... Traffic is bitch. Bumper-to-bumper aint no joke. It's hella tiring. After all that driving, I wanna get to work and have a power nap! I need a place fast!

Meanwhile, the adventures of Kp and Cutie are feeling more and more like the five stages of grief. And I may have mentioned this before but it feels like we're about to reach a climax... I caught the season premiere of Grey's Anatomy today. And everybody was beat up over George's death. Meredith, the narrator, spoke of Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and finally Acceptance...

After hanging out with Cutie on Friday, I felt the way I usually felt after a typical night out with him. I felt more in love (can't believe that's still possible). I felt closer to him. I felt more heart-break at having to part ways. An overwhelming sadness...

As the five stages of grief we're discussed on Grey's, I automatically equated their loss of George, to mine. The loss of us, of Cutie. I've often thought that the only way to really get past this is to deal with it like death. Coz death leaves you with no options. Eventually, you must accept and carry on.

With a(n amicable) break-up, you may circle around various stages of grief, before you actually suck it up and get over it. How many times have I been in denial? Explaining and excusing his behaviour even when he was hella deceitful. Here I am, loving him more that ever. I've also been angry more times than I care to remember. But I don't believe in anger so more accurately, it was how I dealt with feelings of rejection, being ashamed and feeling like I'm not good enough. I lashed out... And once I had calmed down, I began to bargain it out in my head. The feelings of wanting him near, would not go away so instead of dealing with it, I excused it all and figured that it wouldn't be that bad to hang out and lo and behold, like clockwork, we always picked up where we left off... And now that he's determined to take on 2010, without me by his side, in the quest to be "the man that I deserve"... He's left me so sad. It reminds me of when I was 17 and I was crazy about this guy that had a girl. He cheated with me and within weeks, deserted me. By that time, I was hooked. And I cried for months, way into my first year of varsity...

This Cutie Depression brings good news and bad news. Now that I'm at this stage, I'm clearly or theoretically getting closer to accepting the situation. On the other hand, there could be months of tears ahead especially if the past few months are anything to go by! Either way, I wish 2010 would fly by...

Day 01 - 05 : 2010- The Year of the Hustler

I realise that as per 2008, I let my life become my work during the second half of last year. I almost cared too much. Don't get me wrong.. I have learnt soooo much about TV production in the past six months and I'm at a place that I had not even dreamt of - both behind and in front of the camera... But that came at a price. Not that I regret it much I mostly regret not documenting that journey...

But even if I had had the time to do so... I doubt I would've been able to capture it the way I would have preferred to. Simply because my mind has been on Cutie 24/7 when it was not on work. Even when I was supposed to be working, I found myself drifting. Fortunately I also learned how to use work to get my mind of the drama of Kp and Cutie.


Well,that never-ending love-story may has finally had its curtain-call. It may not be the final one but it will probably be a while til Cutie and I are back on-stage together again. The last couple of weeks saw us fall soooo madly in love. In reality, we had always been in love but this time we admitted to ourselves out loud! It was so good! But then reality came a knocking and our fairy-tale was dashed by him insisting that he needs a year to get away from all the drama. All of it.Including me.

And as much as I wanted to be part of the solution, truth is I am very much apart of his drama-infested life. Granted I was the best part but he needs the space. And as much as I keep crying, I know it's only right that he finds himself without me clogging his mind-space. Coz I only want his happiness... Happiness with me would be a bonus.. but he's such an awesome person, he deserves to find it... like they often say.. it's gonna get much worse before it gets much better...

In his head, we'll reunite and be able to fully be together in a year's time... I'm not so sure. Coz working on a daily live celebrity show has taught me that a year is a long time. Each day is so hectic in TV-land that it feels like an entire week! Anyway, I've let him go.. I'm letting him go..civilly with his best interests at heart..it's not like I had a choice.. he's hella determined...so I'ma let him d it and see what happens..if anything, he'll realise how much he misses me. So I'ma give him the space to ache with the feeling of "need"! Lol! Seriously! He actually had the audacity to say that he hopes that I won't hook up with a random in order to get over this. I was like but dude, it's the easiest way...


Anyway.. so now I'm tryna figure how I'll keep my mind off him during the next 365 days... coz when I wasn't working, I was working him..lol..so now what?! I need a fierce distraction! Dr Phil would suggest sitting in my bad feelings til I have resolved them. Sure! What fun! Let's do exactly that! What don't kill you, only makes you stronger, right?


I have major plans for this year so that should keep me busy... and everytime I wanna holla at him, I'll be sure to do sit-ups instead! I wanna give radio another shot... take tV to another level.. push the KMS brand..get my dam drivers license..get my own crib ie move out.... it's gonna be major... and oh yes... get over Cutie!

Day 297-304: Where Do Palpitating Hearts go? Part II

He had stepped out of the car and he had left his phone behind. Before this, I would never had gone through his phone but he occasionally goes through mine and I needed to see that him and M were really just friends. So I went to his inbox.

All these I LOVE YOU messages from some number saved under some weird name... Let's call it A. For a while, I stopped breathing as I quickly scanned though the texts... Lots of them. So many that it was a while til I say my name and mind you, I had texted him last night. There were so many lovey-dovey texts I got the feeling that he had to be responding or even initiating chats of a similar fashion. I quickly checked his Sent Items and there wasn't a shred of evidence. Very strange. Maybe he doesn't save his outgoing messages. Or maybe he just has much to hide. Either way, its just dodge. I have the exact same phone and all my messages are automatically saved with lil to no memory issues.

So I checked his outgoing calls and he had called A just 30 minutes before all this. I took the number and called it off my own phone after changing my settings to private number. So brat answered the phone. I figured that to be M's cheeky, disrespectful lil brother. His name must be A. He confirmed it but he wouldn't let me speak to M without me giving him a name first. I was on the verge of tears, gasping for air, so I stopped begging him and hung up.

I put Cutie's phone back in its original spot and tried to remain calm as my head spun. Cutie took forever to come back. It felt like forever. But it was probably only five minutes. I was even able to call P and sob into the phone and even calm myself. Tears only came when I spoke about it. By the time he had returned, I was calmer.

But he still took one look at me and knew that something was wrong. I couldn't even look at him. And I swear that my supper was creeping its way up my throat. Gross. I felt ill. I had the shakes. My heart was beating fast and my stomach was performing sommersaults. Not cool. I jus wanted to run at that point. Run far away. Pretend that I don't know.

He stepped out again. This time he took his phone. And that's when I knew that he knew that I knew. When he returned, I remained quiet except for when I was talking to P on the phone, tryna find out where she is so that I can tell her what just transpired.

I had so much to say to him but no words came out. My head was flooded with his betrayal. I needed to forget. So bad. No such luck hence why I'm awake at 04.12. Well, as soon as P heard the story, she was all for me calling her and getting the facts. I was too shaken to call. My voice was trembling and so was my body... In 30 degree celcios heat. For those few minutes I was a freak of nature.

So P called her. No bratty answer on the other end. M answered and after a brief explanation that Cutie is a colleague that P thinks is cheating- M was ready to talk. Although I have a feeling that she wasn't telling the entire truth as far as the depths of her relationship with him.

Discrepancy 1:
M stays in the West, not the South.
Discrepancy 2:
M says that her and Cutie are best friends. This is news to me.
Discrepancy 3:
M was sick with an ulcer not a gynea infection. He told me that's what she had.
Discrepancy 4:
M says that she hasn't seen Cutie in a week. He told me he was with her last night, dropping off meds.
Discrepancy 5:
M says that Cutie has been dating N for three years since tertiary. He's never mentioned an N and if I hadn't seen it on the pharmacy bill, I would've been even more shocked.

So now what? He missed called me at about 23.30. I was sleeping at that time. Fortunately. P's conversation with M took place just before 20.30. I'm sure M told him about the 3rd Degree. He had three hours to cook up a story. Now we wait. Coz I really don't know what to say to him. And I hate that he has forced me to play "CHEATERS" and policeman! And yet I'm hoping for an explanation but I know that's not possible. And now, I just feel like vomiting, throwing up all my bad feelings.

Day 298-304: Where Do Palpitating Hearts Go? Part I

The other day (Monday I think), my supervisor who is a lil loony walked in and said that she had a dream or nightmare that I walked into work and complained that I was anxious. The way she told the story, you could tell that she woke up in a state. To top it all off, she alluded to being right when she has "dreams" like that. I was a lil freaked but mostly dismissive coz she's so damn dramatic so I take her declarations with a pinch of salt coz they so damn laughable. It was rather absurd coz I was feeling so good, so good, so good, so good... Cutie and I were working through some thangs... I was feelin positive about my goals and the new week... I had a good rest over the weekend and my kids' Nativity play had gone very well. I was, for the lack of a better word, "happy". And mind you- I hate to just throw that word around... I guess right now, that feeling was the closest thing to happy compared to the way I'm feeling now.

Not even two days later, here I am. ANXIOUS as fk.

I've told lots of stories about Cutie's deceit before. So I'm hella embarrassed and humiliated to be here again after I had mistakenly thought that we were making progress. I was even thinking that maybe LOVE has to hurt so that you can tell how good it feels. It's like sunshine after a long bout of chilly rain. You ache for it to tingle all over your body...

Well, Cutie has been going through some things as far as his ex-gf is concerned. Lets call her M. She is apparently in a very bad space, complete with a unsupportive family, bad health and no job. The way he explained it is that even though he was over it, he felt that he couldn't just abandon her the same way that all her other tertiary buddies had. Now it takes a strong woman to be ok with the guy she digs playing Nurse to his ex. Even I couldn't deal with it but I dealt with it. I even asked to meet her. This has yet to happen. And after revelations from seven hours ago, I doubt it ever will.

So Cutie had taken M to the doc to get checked out. No medical aid means hefty private health bills so I contributed a lil something something. Despite his mild objections, he took the money and saw the doc yesterday. When he returned, he showed me some of the meds. And now that I've thought about it, when I look at the pills, I naturally checked the name on the slip, half-expecting it to say M's first name but instead it was a long-ass African name... N. I thought maybe she signed up with her real name, not her slave name so I let i go but the whole time as he was narrating the doctor's appointment, I felt that he wasn't telling me something. Just a hunch. And I said as much. He denied. I asked repeatedly and eventually just blamed it on paranoia.
Even though, I know better. My ex-flame from two years ago, who, ironically enough, has been hollering at me recently... Well, he used to say "paranoia is also instinct". I didn't get then but now I do but as I've said before, instinct is only proven after the fact...

While Cutie and I were talking and making out, my fears about M sorta disappeared. Coz he was with me, I guess. Well, during the kissing, I got all emotional and for the life of me, I couldn't understand why I was on the verge of tears... And neither could he...

I figured it out during the ride home... All that I wanted seemed like it was finally coming together... It seemed like a certain reality that we'd end up together like normal folk coz he was even talking about cutting ties with M. He said it would be "the right thing to do" even though it would hurt her. I didn't quite understand. Now I sorta do.


But back to that in a sec... My emotional moment came from me being scared of being hurt again by him coz I could feel myself fallin harder n harder. I explained that to him and apologised profusely for my girly-pants attitude... He said it's ok... I'm an awesome person. Naturally.

When we spoke today, he said that he had dropped off M's pills last night and she was coming along nicely. Relief. My show didn't go too well coz my presenter failed to pitch and had to be replaced withing five minutes to air... So imagine my sheer disappointment. Cutie tried to perk me up. And he did. Just the sight of him achieved exactly that.

Until all hell broke loose...

Day 231-237 [Day 3/90]: When one door closes...

On Thursday, Cutie and I finally closed the door on us. I pleaded my case for the last time and he explained for the last time. I cried for the last time. And he held me for the last time. Twas hella painful and I wondered how I would get through a whole day of work on Friday. I hardly managed all morning. Calmed down into the afternoon and was all perked up by the evening, looking forward to dancing off all the bad vibes. I got my face made up and headed downtown, hoping for a slight case of amnesia.

I figured with some liquid courage and professional make-up, I could do like the alchies and

fake it til (I) make it

I put my hurt on the back burner and for the first hour I danced as though my life depended on it... Fortunately I got to a point where I didn't have to pretend anymore coz the DJ started playing some decent music. And then when it was time to leave.. I was keen to stay but P was keen to bounce so we did but if I could, I would have delayed the whole thing. Coz I was not keen to got to the neighbouring club and deal with ego-trippin' shlebs...

We swindle our way into the VIP coz we hadn't really planned on being there. And all the people I'd rather not see were in there. Naturally. Thank goodness for the open bar. Now that made me smile. I was also keen to head to the main section of the venue with the regular folk so that my interrupted freestyle choreography could resume... coz I was sure that I was not about to meet a new dude... I might score a make-out session but really meet a good man... hadn't even occurred to me, not in my frame of mind. In fact when I bumped into Shorty... I started to think okay cool.. .I ain't gotta deal with a new nigga, just deal with the one that fkd up before. No expectations there.

But lo and behold- his friend started hollering at me. And I'm looking at this dude like...excuse me homie but do I know you? But this nigga did not let up. And I ended up spending the next three to four hours with him. Talking n stuff... Yeah that other stuff too. But the crazy bit is that he kept saying he knows who I am but I had no freakin clue. In fact, everybody knew who the hell he was but me! I must have gotten like five thousand different description of what he does... the most accurate being that he is a SOCIALITE!? lol! ait so before I know it... I'm feelin' this dude... and I even start to think that maybe gettin' to know him wouldn't be sucha bad idea... but then I started thinkin' wtf.. I just parted ways with the guy who was supposedly the man of my dreams... moving on so quickly? is that right? shouldn't I get used to being alone first so that I don't go into this with madd issues?

anyway..excuse me for getting ahead of myself... but this nigga was already asking me out on this very night! Twas hard not to get carried away... He was like we should be together and date and stuff coz he wants to be my man! Woah! Nigga! slow yo roll! I don't even know who you are... but I'll admit I'm keen to find out... coz he was able to do the impossible... get me out of a ditch! I had fun..lots of it... and Cutie wasn't even a factor.. how's that for interesting?

Question is..is this for real? or some sort of crazy punk'd scene? it seems way to easy and I know that heartbreak is never this easy... so now what...
well, let's give this dude a pseudonym for starters.. how about 'Perkie'? Coz he managed to perk me up..plus he's perked up...if you catch my drift....

Actually... let's call him 'Chocolate' coz he has this awesome, glowing brown skin that I'm a complete sucker for.. plus I'm feeling some heartburn... it makes me forget his gold cap for a second. Yeah, I forgot to mention that...and hopefully he'll get rid of it... jus in case things get serious.. so there you go... I've met somebody..;lready.. and I'm tryin not to like him but there's huge potential (for the biggest distraction [n more])coz he's dope. But before we get ahead of ourselves..let's see what the new week brings... after a our text chat last night... during which I passed out.. mm... I know..not very nice of me...

Also had to deal with Shorty hollerin' at me when he could see that Chocolate was tryna holla! How wack! And I had no clue how to deal with it coz Shorty n I have a past and I can't be rude to him coz I just met a random dude. Twas super wierd and conflicting so even though I could see that Shorty was jus tryna cock-block his buddy out of sheer pretence not interest (he even called the following night to check if I got home all right- dodgy mothatrucka that one and I told him as much! And of cos he pleaded ignorance! Nigga please! Nobody lookin for a KanYe interuption here!), I didn't know how to deal with it coz I had no clue how to include Chocolate in the conversation which was totally irrelevant to him. At least I figured as much coz I dunno what this nigga does!

So the following day, I had to call n apologise coz truth is, as he kindly pointed out, if the roles had been reversed ie he had been ignoring me in front of his ex-flame.. I woulda flipped. He forgave me and later on, last night...he texted me and told me how much he missed me... I had passed out on the couch so I had to apologise for the delay and let him know that he had been on my mind for much of the day... coz of Jill Scott's sweet words... four minutes later, he asked which song (Not That Crazy).. by that time... I had passed out.. After church...I tried to explain to a nigga that I failed to reply timeously coz of my chronic exhaustion... he has yet to reply. I think we may be facing a subtle pay-back...

Regardless...I've decided to now extended this blog to the whole year... in fact let's break down the countdowns to mini-countdowns that include what's happening in my life. If Choc n I really do happen to make it work ie get over my excessive apologies... I am gonna go about this properly. I will follow Steve Harvey's rules, including the 90 DAY rule. And I will leave if I start hearing some dodgy things. This time, there is no room for funny behaviour coz I am wide awake from the get go.

If nigga doesn't holla back by the end of the day.. I will take that as a big fat hint! And we won't need the 90 day clock anymore. Plus that will probably kill the plans we made for Friday.. yeah..yesterday already, Nigga was on some, watchu doing on Friday... very cute....I was like I dunno..it's SATURDAY so he insisted that we stay in touch despite my 'working 24 hours a day'..that's what he calls it... it may as well be exactly that!

Day 194 - 230: Part Two....

I can't possibly have to go through meeting another dude, get excited, take the financial and emotional time to learn what he's all about, take all the necessary precautions to try to not to fall too quickly, end up fallin' anyway and be left alone picking up the pieces.

Can I just settle down already? Please? I'm tired of playing love games. I'm ready to just love and chill out a sec. Safe in the arms of love. I know this is cheesy as fuck but it's true.

Maybe that's too much pressure for Cutie. I dunno then why the fuck did we meet and connect? Why can't I stop thinking about him? Why can't we stay away from each other? Why?

Why is it that he is able to send me an emails saying that I'm always on his mind? That he misses me. How come he told me he loves me? That he loves to be around me? That when I cried about us, he cried too? Why is it that- if he's only gonna turn around and break my heart even when I'm willing to wait!? I don't understand! How can I hate him when I love him? One half of him at least. The half that understands but is clearly not willing to fight the other dude's bullshit.

This breaks my heart over and over coz I know he feels what I feel but he almost reminds me of when I had just started therapy and a recurring theme was my subconscious belief that I deserved no happiness. That I had to carry the worries of my parents, especially my mom. Cutie does that with his family and I'm no professional psychologist so I have no clue how to get through to him.

Plus how am I to know that that is truly the issue here? That he needs me to help him through it... Does he even want my help or am I jus being a pushy know-it-all. Dunno. I jus wanna run away at this point and forget that he ever existed or mattered.

Day 194 - 230: Part One...

Yet another month without a blog. I'm tired of making excuses for not regularly posting stuff and I'm sure you're tired of hearing it. I'll tell you this much however... Many people have been able to figure who's who behind some of my cleverly crafted pseudonyms so as much as I would love to share, it's hella difficult to do so which makes blogging a drag even when I do have time... Which is never! I find pleasure in writing with no holds barred... It's absolute freedom especially coz my life is an absolute circus but as much as I'd love to share, I can't risk the wrong people knowing too much about me or those that I innocently mention in this space. That wouldn't be fair to them or their/my hard work and endeavours. Nevertheless here goes...

Just this Friday, I found out that Cutie was busy exchanging "I miss you's" with some chic during the first month of our thing. He would also hang with her and such. I asked him about it and he said that they're just friends, been friends since high school and even though she been feelin' him, he told her, he ain't keen to go down that road with her coz of his long list of never-ending issues....

You see, there are a few things that I don't get about this nigga and because I have trouble saying what I need to say face to face ie all of these epiphanies hit me whenever he's not around, I've decided to try figure it out here. I'ma compare his two egos. Coz I almost feel that he may have some MPD situation going on.

As much as my pride hates to admit, there's a part of Cutie that lights me up from the inside out. It's ten times more lethal than the lust he makes me feel. It's the way a best friend makes you feel. That complete and utter happiness. I love to see him smile. I love making him laugh. So this side of him makes me wanna be around him all day. And we don't even have to talk. We can jus be. Watch the sky. Hold hands. Make out. Watch a movie. I remember when we first met, there was this insane electrical energy between us and when we held hands, when we kissed- sparks flew. In extreme circumstances, our eyes would meet and I would feel it too.

In the past three months that I've known him, another side has come out. A side that almost tries to kill his/our pursuit of happiness. It's the side that pushes me away. The side that tells me it doesn't wanna be with me. It's the side that's quite content to walk away.

So I do what any Miss Independent would do... I pack and I prepare to leave and everytime I'm near the door, the good side reaches out to me and begs me to stay in not so many words but actions. Maybe I see what I wanna see, I dunno but I'll try keep some distance between us and he'll come find me for some random conversations about life.

Now when you care about somebody, it goes against every fibre of your being to tell them to 'fuck off'. The last thing you wanna do is tell them to take a hike coz the reality is that you want them near. So instead of listening to logic, I'd allow him in again and when it was time to discuss us, he would push me away and gimme all these reasons why we shouldn't be together. Meanwhile I have a blogful of reasons why we must try. But he wouldn't hear it. His evil side always vetoed his inner conflicts despite my tears. Despite my pleading, my reasoning, my sex... Lol. It was all in vain and jus when I thought I can't keep doing this, I found out that he felt that I should wait for him to get his mind right.

Before, that had never even been featured as an option. Until he said that if the tables were turned, he would be honoured to wait for me. Who would fuck off after that?! I couldn't. I hadn't even been able to begin to follow through so I took a plunge in the deep end, drew some inspiration from Sade's words as she sang...
I still really really love you
Love is stronger than pride...

This went against my control freak mentality. It's like walking in the dark with all these legitimate but insane questions dizzying my head... Like what if I wait for him and he in the mean time meets somebody else? I've heard of many stories where the chic makes the nigga a better person but he goes and shares his new self with his new chic... How's that for a thank you very much?

I realise that life has no guarantees. I try to live day to day. I try to share that philosophy with him but he can't stop living in the past and even the future. So the present is fucked. And unfortunately that's where I am so we can't manage to see eye-to-eye.

There's a part of me... The logical, prudent side I guess... That is certain that I must just cut my losses and hit the road. This side reckons I'm being used and I should stop thinking about his feelings and consider the damage I'm causing to myself instead by constantly giving him a chance to reject me and hurt me over and over again.

Not even friends do that. And you're willing to wait?! Seriously! Girl wake the fuck up!

I can explain. A fairytale beginning can't possibly have sucha shitty ending. can it?!

Day 154-180 (+3): I AM KOPANO!

The last month has been insane and for the most part, I ain't where I wanna be. Sure, I'm being challenged on the daily by this new gig and I'm all about being challenged to the max. But I've never ever ever been this stressed out. I guess it's only fitting that LIVE TV is the third most stressful job in the world. Sure, I got to meet DJ DRAMA but really now...Does that make it worth it..?!
I asked to be challenged, not to go out the same way as Michael Jackson (with a dam heart attack). I mean I'm currently in a space that saw me be unable to blog for over a month because things are that hectic and crazy and insane and BUSY! And all I really wanna do is put on some Marvin Gaye and

get it on

! I would be so lucky. Cutie is still trippin'. So I'm working on moving on coz really he's awesome and everything but I am way too fwine to be dealing with another pseudo-relationship. Apparently I'm supposed to give him time.. I'm like what time, time to hurt me some more... reject me some more... how much punishment can a girl take. If there's one thing that I have learnt during the last 180 days is that you shouldn't ever waste your time with a nigga that won't be there. If he's trippin, do yourself a favour and be out! I realise that it's not that simple but I also know that waiting on him to change is stoopid especially when he has told you wassup. Let it go and let him stay with his undecided self.

Naturally, I'm having some trouble practicing what I preach. I can't seem to stay away from him. (And it probably doesn't help that we work together.) To the point where I'm on some maybe I should just hang out with him, he'll come around. Or maybe, we can just be friends?! Or maybe, he just ain't that into me and my punkass just needs to make peace with that! Aaaargh! The frustration! And what if I do walk away and it ends up being the biggest mistake of my life?! Like that chick from The Bachelorette, Deanna! This nigga that she was really fallin' for exasperated her to such a degree that she ended up telling him to go jump even though she dug him so! He wrote her a letter declaring his feelings but it was too late. But was it?! Should she have been a lil more enduring? DAMN Niggas who push a woman to that point!
Like
Shorty. He tried to holla at me, the other day. I was like nigga please, you done fucked up, a minute ago. It's too late! It's so late that I'm even considering cutting ties with new dude! Now here's Cutie following the exact same script. Like him and Shorty bin sharing notes! It's simple really, I'm done! The next nigga I meet, best have his story sorted. I ain't about to deal with your issues and I don't wanna hear it. You wanna be with me? Cool. You don't? Get the fuck out!

I'ma be hardcore now coz I've realised that my being open has also made me a lil naive. Fairy-tales only exist in books. I ain't the exception.

As far as my radio career is concerned, I haven't been offered anything by the station from a DJ point of view. When I found out on Thursday, I felt my world crash around me. That sucked. I was really hoping that I would be given the opportunity to take on the training slots but alas, I've been asked to submit a demo instead. Didn't know how to react to that. That hurt. But I'll do as required.

Then there's TV... dunno hey...I'm in two worlds...and boy do I need a holiday!

Day 139-153: Untitled.

I've always thought it to be such a cop-out when artists can't just name their products. I've always found the use of the term 'untitled' to be the unnecessary pretence of so called 'depth' within the arts. And here I am, using the very same word. how hypocritical. Truth is, it's been a minute since I last blogged so I finding it difficult to reduce the past fortnight into a silly phrase especially since the 180 Days are drawing to an end. So In spite of my being conscious that I may be thinking emotionally because of my PMS, I now see how artists may feel that a title, in its simple words, fails to honor the experience, whether good or bad. If anything, the words disrespect it by being so shallow. And that's where the depth of thought lies. Well, if writers felt so strongly about everything, they would probably never write. Hence writer's block. The insistence on the perfect translation. And that's why film was created...

That just dawned on me now... Speaking of which... Let's recap... With the radio internship winding down, I'm happy to say I'm creating the best radio of my life. My links are short and punchy and fun and cool... although I gots to work on my um's and er's and slickness... but for the most part, I really believe that I'm sounding better than ever. I even received my first batch of hate mail, thanx to the internet humour surrounding MJ's passing. Now you know what they say, you ain't ish until you've got haters. I've finally relaxed enough to allow the real me to come out through my radio links. And for me that's the biggest accomplishment. I'm hopin that they gimme a proper on-air gig once the internship is over. I'm do my darnest to make it happen. If only there were enough hours in the day because since my new job, my radio endeavours have taken a beating... which makes me wonder... what is it that I really want? Could I possibly be biting of my nose to spite my face? Should I be concentrating on my radio gig especially as the gig draws to an end or concentrate on my new gig because of the latter?

As far as my new job is concerned... I just started at a TV production company on this brand new show. Unlike my previous TV gig... I work on content full-time now. I would prefer to be writing scripts and have far more control over content but they say that will come. Quite a bit goes into a TV show and I'm learning quite a bit. Very exciting to be part of something that has so much potential.

As far as Cutie is concerned... It's plenty deja-vu. Dating without the intimacy and titles. Like where do I meet these 'different' niggas that are commitment-phobic with trunks of baggage? Seriously? Is this God's way of telling me to stay away from the opposite sex. or is the Script-Writer outta ideas? I mean like attracts like... If these niggas be on that tip then clearly I ain't ready for a relationship either but then why am I so convinced of the opposite. How come I feel that I can be with one dude.. and make it work?! And yet I keep hitting a brick-wall by connecting with niggas that make me want to fall in love and be with them when they aren't so keen to do the same... What the hell is going on?

What I do know for sure is that beyond these niggas hold the key to my personal-development... I think... well, I hope... there's gots to be some sorta convoluted reason for all this drama... In which ever capacity. I wouldn't be able to deal with Cutie if I hadn't dealt with Shorty. But maybe I would prefer to not have had to deal with either dude... as much as I love zinging with new dude... I can't stand ll the drama! Can't I just meet a normal dude that digs me back and wants me without any hesitations or a haunting past!? Cumon already!

As far as my career is concerned... I just started at a TV production company on this brand new show. Unlike my previous TV gig... I work on content full-time now. I would prefer to be writing scripts and have far more control over content but they say that will come. Quite a bit goes into a TV show and I'm learning quite a bit. Very exciting to be part of something that has so much potential. And boy are we working hard to unleash it...

what else... I got as ride but I can't drive it coz I don't have a driver's license... lol...come to think of it... it's very much like dating somebody that you can't kiss and you can't call your boyfriend. Imagine all the pent up frustration! Dammit! I ain't about to return my car, instead, I'ma work at getting the right papers... is that how one should deal with Cutie? Get me some papers? the cred? the qualification? Earn the respect perhaps? Show my commitment? mm...

Day 131 -138: When It All Falls Down...

I've spoken about those life-(altering)wedgies that come and take you by surprise just when you are beginning to love life. Or at least get into a rhythm.You know those times when everything is going right. You ain't fighting with nobody. Drama is down to a minimum. You've made peace with the stuff that you can't change. You're making major strides in the departments that you can control and on top of it all, you've met a new dude who makes the old dude look like a chump. A chump that didn't deserve your time in the first place. Your favourite song(s) keeps playing (The Dream-Rockin that Thang and Every Girl- Young Money and Drake-Best I Ever Had) and your crush digs you too so much that you can hardly believe your luck. But you don't believe in luck so you can hardly believe your destiny. Complete with an atom-bomb of good vibes, lust and like infused electricity! I call it ZING, he calls it chemistry! OMG... the chemical infusion happening within can't be good for you but it feels sooooo gooood!

And then all of a blue moon, the Script-Writer sends out a DEFCOM 5 [http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Defcon]! '

AY! Don't get too comfortable'

, He warns. It ain't ever that easy. It can't be, at least not for five days straight. And I know that. Well, I should. Perhaps, I was hoping for some sort of pleasant surprise. In fact, at the height of my euphoria, during the weekend, one of my tweets tentatively spoke of how...

I am a lil afraid to admit that I'm kinda sorta loving my life.

Dude! as soon as that tweet had been published, it all fell down. And yesterday, it all be came a lil too real that my life was still far from being the fairytale that I had been living for all but 24 hours. It was everything but. It was just another tear-jerking episode of a cheesy soapie. Or worse still, a reality show. Can't remember the last time I cried this hard. Heavy, soul-shaking, gut-wrenching, ugly sobs that grip at your core. You almost feel as though you could not only bawl forever but that if you weep hard enough, you'll cry out the very cancer that is making you feel so miserable. Almost hurl it up. More like sneeze it out! Not pretty I know. But I feel like this heartache is a thick chunk of black coal sitting at the bottom of my tummy. Pervading my insides.

Life perfect ain't perfect if you dunno what the struggle's for
Fallin' down ain't fallin' down if you don't cry when you hit the floor
It's called the past coz I'm getting past
And I ain't nothing like I was before...
You oughta see me now...
Yes, I was burnt so I call it a lesson learned
Mistake will return so I call it a lesoon learned
my soul has returned so I call it a lesson learned
Another lesson learned...

I guess the pressure had to get to me some time and these past couple of days proved to be the straw that broke the camel's back. From my less-than-impressive radio shows that I've been feeling less than awesome about. There's also my new nine to five which is probably at the single most dynamic production company in the country. Started there last week as a part of the content production team. So amped to be getting paid to be a creative. I get paid to write scripts and come up with ideas. Dude! How dope is that! I also work on scripts. Even though it is an opportunity and a half, I am having trouble working out a feasible timetable that will allow me ample sleep and balance. Man I need a ride!

Speaking of balance, Shorty been 'too busy' for me just when I needed some sort of escape the most, he suggested that we take it slow. If I didn't know better, I would say that he was calling things off without having to say as much. Well, actions speak louder than words and no matter how many times I tried to reach out and have him admit to wanting to end things, he won't talk about it or be man enough to say it's over. But I don't need him to confirm nothing coz one big fat indication is that we don't really see each other anymore. What's worse, I'm subjected to the occasional text. I deserve better. Luckily, I've had soooo much work to do, from the new gig to some freelancing work, that I couldn't quite deal with his stunts. But when I raised these concerns, I was met with a dismissive nonchalance. So I've done my bit really.

And just when I was tryna wrap my head around my drama, I met somebody. Like a week ago. Think Prince Charming in shining armour, (complete with the most delightful smile and the cutest ass. HOT DAMMM!) coming to remind me that life ain't all that excruciating. I'd actually forgotten what real butterflies feel like. And goodness knows that I had missed being really excited about somebody real. Besides Drake who, by the way, I'd totally marry. The mixtape So Far Gone got me through some heavy days. It polished my thick skin and reminded me that it's ok to hurt. Its ok to be disappointed. But that don't mean you should compromise on who you are. Fuck whoever that disagrees with you! Lol! But I digress...

We'll call new dude, Cutie, coz he is hella adorable. And from the moment we laid eyes on each other, I knew that I wanted to get to know him. If anything, it made me think or start to ponder upon the concept of love at first sight. Honestly it had never occurred to me that the notion was even a remote possibility yet there I was, completely engrossed in a stranger even before he had said two words to me. It makes for a dope blog and an even doper wedding story. Lol! You see how this situation had me talking crazy...

Well, those were the ol good days. That's the thing about falling quickly. You make the hurt that much more potent within a shorter period of time. But before we get to the bad part, Cutie and I went on our first and only date on Friday. Twas awesome. I completely immersed myself in this 'Something New'. I forgot Shorty, I forgot the world and I was allowed to be myself for the first time in a long time. And that's the most profound piece of this puzzle. I realise that I was beginning to lose myself by being in a dead-end relationship. Whether I was not really in it to begin with makes no difference because it took up my time, attention and energy, it had an effect whether I was aware of it or not. It was toxic and as much as I wanna deny it, it was killing my spirit and making me feel ashamed that I'm not in the sort of relationship that I would like for myself. I was not allowed to be me.

Dude I almost fell off my chair when Cutie hollered at me to say goodnight on Sunday. Shorty has never bothered to do that. It was such a foreign concept to me that I was completely shell-shocked and that's when it really dawned on me that I allowed myself to be treated like less for a while now.

During my brief time with Cutie, I remembered that I like to hold hands and make out and share and spend time with my significant other. With Shorty, I've had to curb my enthusiasm under the disguise of patience education coz he ain't a fan of PDA. Dude, it got to a point where the relationship was centred around him. And I didn't even realise but I hardly told him of my dreams and ambitions and worse, he never asked. Yeah, I learned to be patient but I also learned how to allow a nigga to run circles around me 101. Too whack. So I'm out. Can't believe I stood for it.

Well, as soon as Cutie had taught me that lesson, he also headed for the nearest exit. By last night, I was near tears as he told me how he didn't feel that he could be emotionally available for me coz he has to deal with his own crazy drama which includes getting over a two year relationship, his fear of being hurt again and the self-healing that he thinks he needs to embark on alone. I couldn't believe my ears. Like don't you feel what I'm feeling. How do you walk away when this is so so so special. And yet, he felt that was what's best. So I let him coz I can't force him. I don't know who to resent for feeling this way. The Script-Writer for making the feelings so strong? Or Cutie for not feeling that he can go the mile with me?

And as Drake asks... Is anything I'm doing Brand New? I wonder if my reaction to the Cutie situation was a lil OTT? Probably. and if so, why was I affected so? Why did I feel it? What's the lesson? I haven't felt like this and had to just shake it off. It's always been a faggot nigga that caused the drama and I always knew better than to pine for him but this is different. Or is it? I dunno anymore.

I guess it is time to try be alone. I think I been avoiding that status for a minute. Nobody wants to be lonely and single especially in the grip of a terrible winter but I know better than to waste my time on whackness just so that I can say that I'm dating somebody. Time to re-focus and re-arm and remember that this is about me. Couplin' would be cool but we will survive. Lol!

I've also been reading soon excerpts from Steve Harvey's Act Like A Lady, Date Like A Man. I've been compromising on my standards. It's so embarrassing to realise that I ain't been acting like the keeper that I be. It's fine. You live, you learn. So let the practicals begin...

And let's try get some stuff right this time...