Day 01 - 05 : 2010- The Year of the Hustler

I realise that as per 2008, I let my life become my work during the second half of last year. I almost cared too much. Don't get me wrong.. I have learnt soooo much about TV production in the past six months and I'm at a place that I had not even dreamt of - both behind and in front of the camera... But that came at a price. Not that I regret it much I mostly regret not documenting that journey...

But even if I had had the time to do so... I doubt I would've been able to capture it the way I would have preferred to. Simply because my mind has been on Cutie 24/7 when it was not on work. Even when I was supposed to be working, I found myself drifting. Fortunately I also learned how to use work to get my mind of the drama of Kp and Cutie.


Well,that never-ending love-story may has finally had its curtain-call. It may not be the final one but it will probably be a while til Cutie and I are back on-stage together again. The last couple of weeks saw us fall soooo madly in love. In reality, we had always been in love but this time we admitted to ourselves out loud! It was so good! But then reality came a knocking and our fairy-tale was dashed by him insisting that he needs a year to get away from all the drama. All of it.Including me.

And as much as I wanted to be part of the solution, truth is I am very much apart of his drama-infested life. Granted I was the best part but he needs the space. And as much as I keep crying, I know it's only right that he finds himself without me clogging his mind-space. Coz I only want his happiness... Happiness with me would be a bonus.. but he's such an awesome person, he deserves to find it... like they often say.. it's gonna get much worse before it gets much better...

In his head, we'll reunite and be able to fully be together in a year's time... I'm not so sure. Coz working on a daily live celebrity show has taught me that a year is a long time. Each day is so hectic in TV-land that it feels like an entire week! Anyway, I've let him go.. I'm letting him go..civilly with his best interests at heart..it's not like I had a choice.. he's hella determined...so I'ma let him d it and see what happens..if anything, he'll realise how much he misses me. So I'ma give him the space to ache with the feeling of "need"! Lol! Seriously! He actually had the audacity to say that he hopes that I won't hook up with a random in order to get over this. I was like but dude, it's the easiest way...


Anyway.. so now I'm tryna figure how I'll keep my mind off him during the next 365 days... coz when I wasn't working, I was working him..lol..so now what?! I need a fierce distraction! Dr Phil would suggest sitting in my bad feelings til I have resolved them. Sure! What fun! Let's do exactly that! What don't kill you, only makes you stronger, right?


I have major plans for this year so that should keep me busy... and everytime I wanna holla at him, I'll be sure to do sit-ups instead! I wanna give radio another shot... take tV to another level.. push the KMS brand..get my dam drivers license..get my own crib ie move out.... it's gonna be major... and oh yes... get over Cutie!

Day 297-304: Where Do Palpitating Hearts go? Part II

He had stepped out of the car and he had left his phone behind. Before this, I would never had gone through his phone but he occasionally goes through mine and I needed to see that him and M were really just friends. So I went to his inbox.

All these I LOVE YOU messages from some number saved under some weird name... Let's call it A. For a while, I stopped breathing as I quickly scanned though the texts... Lots of them. So many that it was a while til I say my name and mind you, I had texted him last night. There were so many lovey-dovey texts I got the feeling that he had to be responding or even initiating chats of a similar fashion. I quickly checked his Sent Items and there wasn't a shred of evidence. Very strange. Maybe he doesn't save his outgoing messages. Or maybe he just has much to hide. Either way, its just dodge. I have the exact same phone and all my messages are automatically saved with lil to no memory issues.

So I checked his outgoing calls and he had called A just 30 minutes before all this. I took the number and called it off my own phone after changing my settings to private number. So brat answered the phone. I figured that to be M's cheeky, disrespectful lil brother. His name must be A. He confirmed it but he wouldn't let me speak to M without me giving him a name first. I was on the verge of tears, gasping for air, so I stopped begging him and hung up.

I put Cutie's phone back in its original spot and tried to remain calm as my head spun. Cutie took forever to come back. It felt like forever. But it was probably only five minutes. I was even able to call P and sob into the phone and even calm myself. Tears only came when I spoke about it. By the time he had returned, I was calmer.

But he still took one look at me and knew that something was wrong. I couldn't even look at him. And I swear that my supper was creeping its way up my throat. Gross. I felt ill. I had the shakes. My heart was beating fast and my stomach was performing sommersaults. Not cool. I jus wanted to run at that point. Run far away. Pretend that I don't know.

He stepped out again. This time he took his phone. And that's when I knew that he knew that I knew. When he returned, I remained quiet except for when I was talking to P on the phone, tryna find out where she is so that I can tell her what just transpired.

I had so much to say to him but no words came out. My head was flooded with his betrayal. I needed to forget. So bad. No such luck hence why I'm awake at 04.12. Well, as soon as P heard the story, she was all for me calling her and getting the facts. I was too shaken to call. My voice was trembling and so was my body... In 30 degree celcios heat. For those few minutes I was a freak of nature.

So P called her. No bratty answer on the other end. M answered and after a brief explanation that Cutie is a colleague that P thinks is cheating- M was ready to talk. Although I have a feeling that she wasn't telling the entire truth as far as the depths of her relationship with him.

Discrepancy 1:
M stays in the West, not the South.
Discrepancy 2:
M says that her and Cutie are best friends. This is news to me.
Discrepancy 3:
M was sick with an ulcer not a gynea infection. He told me that's what she had.
Discrepancy 4:
M says that she hasn't seen Cutie in a week. He told me he was with her last night, dropping off meds.
Discrepancy 5:
M says that Cutie has been dating N for three years since tertiary. He's never mentioned an N and if I hadn't seen it on the pharmacy bill, I would've been even more shocked.

So now what? He missed called me at about 23.30. I was sleeping at that time. Fortunately. P's conversation with M took place just before 20.30. I'm sure M told him about the 3rd Degree. He had three hours to cook up a story. Now we wait. Coz I really don't know what to say to him. And I hate that he has forced me to play "CHEATERS" and policeman! And yet I'm hoping for an explanation but I know that's not possible. And now, I just feel like vomiting, throwing up all my bad feelings.

Day 112-117: Seven Days Was A Long Shot!

In a day, God created man. And when the sun set that evening, he looked at Adam and said, 'Hotdam I'm rock long time...' and then he went drinking at the Eden river, with the angels, to celebrate...
It's taken double that time for me and Shorty to restart fighting after just making up. Ya neh. We couldn't even go the seven that I spoke of in my last post. There's really no point in getting into why we are fighting now [but for completeness sake, here's the jist- we were supposed to go out to some birthday gig on Thursday night and he took a unilateral decision to cancel our plans. Something about being tired and under-dressed. I was not impressed. I flipped at him for being a fader. He claimed we could do it on Friday. Nothing happened Friday. Instead he was out with his mates. Which was all apparently unplanned. I just keep thinking I'm way to pretty to be dealing with such non-issues. Plently guys wanna spend time with me. Why am I still here? For what!? When it really appears as though, I ain't wanted.] I'm just sick of it. It's like the bad is superceding the good. It's so bad, I'm thinking of drawing up a list. Either of Pro's n Con's or of things that he does that I absolutely despise. He can also draw up the latter with regards to me and if we gonna work at this, those lists must be adhered to, otherwise it's an indication of disrespect and sheer carelessness. Which speaks volumes.

I used to date guys that I fought with all the time, thinking that it adds passion to the relationship. And then I dated a nigga that I hardly ever fought with and guess what- I enjoyed that so much more. The laughing and smiling and talking really beats arguing and crying and bitching. So I can't understand how I landed up here and how come I've been at it for almost as long as my longest relationship ever [four months]?!

But everytime I think of walking away, the heartburn hits my chest. And honestly, he does he quite an effect on my mood especially when things are cool and we're talking. I jus wish we could get along for more than three days out of the week.

I was so embarrassed when my mother asked me what he thought of my Monday show. I had to meekly tell her that I hadn't received any feedback from him. Even she raised her eyebrows even though she doesn't know that we are dating. But she knows that we're friends and that I'm hella supportive of his hustle. So in her head, it made no sense as to why he is seemingly not showing luv back. Luckily she spared me any further humiliation by letting that question hang in the air. Awkward!

Saturday night/the early hours of Sunday morning, I tried to talk to him about this kak. And I swear if he hadn't claimed to be too tired to get into it, I probably would've broken up with him right then and there. Coz something don't feel right. That feeling I had at the beginning of this, has returned and it's actually suffocating me. Rather annoying. Two options: stick it out like last time til it subsides or walk away from these weird feelings. Fuck it's weird. It feels like he's hiding something...

True to his conceited self, he insisted on discussing this issue from the other night, later today. Fine. It's not like it's going anywhere. We'll discuss it eventually and if it's over- let it be.

I could use some fresh material for my blog, as it is.

As for my show on Monday. I felt that it went well. So well that I walked away thinking that some of the proper DJs best be scared.... Coz I'm coming after their gigs! Unfortunately it will be a while til my next shot at presenting. Try 10 June. Dis ver! I was hoping we would have gotten an updated schedule by now, with all the non-presenters, having opened up more slots for the rest of us that want to do it.

But life ain't ever sucha breeze. Been working on scripts for a certain production from my former employer. Who woulda thought... 53 episodes by four links each. Hectic. But coming along nicely. Very exciting. Challenging. And learn-as-you-go. Very stimulating and keeps my mind off this rather immature love-life stuff. I won't lie. I'm expecting the worst.

Day 78: Girl Talk- Blessin' or Bitchin'?

I come from an all girls high school. That background shaped much of my personality. There are two types of females in a single sex institution- the strong, bossy Miss Independent type versus the shrunken violet type who's hella vulnerable and tries to impress her peers by engaging in dodgy behaviour.

From my black n white view of the situation, many situations, it's clear that I fall into the former category. I consciously avoided being friends with many girls, especially plastics because of the lack of trustworthiness and the fierce competitive spirit that was enforced upon us via academic and extra-curricular colours and awards.

Put in work/ If you don't want the girl to talk/ And you don't want your feelings hurt/ Put in work/ Cause if you don't/ That girl's just gon' go spreadin' the word

Even though I am able to share some laughs with Ms Fabulous and The Girls... Hell even though Ms Fabulous shares my birthday... Truth is we couldn't be more different. I don't do weaves or wigs or make-up or jangly jewellery or gold chains or black-berries or tight fitting denim or hectic gym or heels or open slingy sandals or skimpy dresses. That sorta outward glam is just not my steez.

Ever since I can remember, I've never been crazy about the concept of money. And even though I adore being spoilt by a man, I cringe everytime the bill comes. I have to literally fight the urge to reach inside my purse. Come to think of it, I get the same feeling when I pass a hobo or a street musician. Even when I'm broke so broke that I literally can't afford to give away a rand, I sometimes will, hoping that Mother Dearest will sort me out later. I actually try not to give out less than R5 coz anything less really amounts to nothing in today's inflation. But if I ain't got it, oh well, it's better than giving nothing. I feel so bad when I don't give. I feel worse when I allow a nigga to cover everything... When I'm that chick that gets picked up and dropped off and paid off... I mean dude... I feel like I'm using dude... Or like dude is investing time and money and I'm just there... A financial burden. Relationships aren't cheap... And with my (just below) two grand stipend, two series and residence in Pretoria (50km away from the events hub that is Jozi), I can't afford much right now. Especially now that I've taken an extended hiatus from writing:) And because I'm an accountant at heart (and academically), I'm accustomed to working for my own money instead of accepting hand-outs from Mother-Dearest. I often have to stop my brain from automatically calculating the costs that my date may be incurring. So when Shorty told me that he wouldn't be able to take me home on Saturday coz of a tight financial situation, I was not over the moon but I was understanding. I was also mildly impressed at his candour but I mostly found myself cringing, as usual, at the mere mention of money.

The Girls figure that I'm wasting my time on a dead-end situation with Shorty and I should be getting pampered and spoilt by a more 'financially-focussed' man who can wine and dine me to my heart's content.


Now I'ain't sayin she a goldigga/ But she ain't messing with a broke nigga...

It takes a lot to pull at my heart-strings. And money is the absolute last thing on my list... Hell did I even mention it on to the list, last time?

Paul was my broke-ass toy-boy and while I was ok with playing the sugar-momma to a 20 year-old, I couldn't help but resent the way that he couldn't just spoil me whenever. But I felt worse for expecting something, anything when he was clearly unable to afford it. So I would pay even when he wanted to coz the-accountant-in-me wouldn't allow him to spend what could possibly be his last monies.

So you can imagine what a significant adjustment it has been to date someone who actually can afford to treat me to a thing or two (well... Most of the time...)

Funny thing happened, The Girls were so determined to have me move on and move up (lol like I BEEN threatening to) that one of them typed out a break up text. I wasn't about to send it. Atleast not yet. That's the thing about calling something off, you gots to be prepared to be done for good. I don't break up with people for reactions anymore. It's important to mean it coz you dealing with another human being, they are known to be unpredictable when their backs are against the wall. Plus at the end of the day, you gots to live with your decision, not your friends. If I am making a mistake, atleast I made it myself so I'll take full responsibility for it. But living through others can only result in unwarranted resentment. I'm a grown ass woman. Umma do me!

So where's the line? Nigga gots to have a job right. You ain't gotta make millions but can we atleast check out a play at the State Theatre!?