Day 154-180 (+3): I AM KOPANO!

The last month has been insane and for the most part, I ain't where I wanna be. Sure, I'm being challenged on the daily by this new gig and I'm all about being challenged to the max. But I've never ever ever been this stressed out. I guess it's only fitting that LIVE TV is the third most stressful job in the world. Sure, I got to meet DJ DRAMA but really now...Does that make it worth it..?!
I asked to be challenged, not to go out the same way as Michael Jackson (with a dam heart attack). I mean I'm currently in a space that saw me be unable to blog for over a month because things are that hectic and crazy and insane and BUSY! And all I really wanna do is put on some Marvin Gaye and

get it on

! I would be so lucky. Cutie is still trippin'. So I'm working on moving on coz really he's awesome and everything but I am way too fwine to be dealing with another pseudo-relationship. Apparently I'm supposed to give him time.. I'm like what time, time to hurt me some more... reject me some more... how much punishment can a girl take. If there's one thing that I have learnt during the last 180 days is that you shouldn't ever waste your time with a nigga that won't be there. If he's trippin, do yourself a favour and be out! I realise that it's not that simple but I also know that waiting on him to change is stoopid especially when he has told you wassup. Let it go and let him stay with his undecided self.

Naturally, I'm having some trouble practicing what I preach. I can't seem to stay away from him. (And it probably doesn't help that we work together.) To the point where I'm on some maybe I should just hang out with him, he'll come around. Or maybe, we can just be friends?! Or maybe, he just ain't that into me and my punkass just needs to make peace with that! Aaaargh! The frustration! And what if I do walk away and it ends up being the biggest mistake of my life?! Like that chick from The Bachelorette, Deanna! This nigga that she was really fallin' for exasperated her to such a degree that she ended up telling him to go jump even though she dug him so! He wrote her a letter declaring his feelings but it was too late. But was it?! Should she have been a lil more enduring? DAMN Niggas who push a woman to that point!
Like
Shorty. He tried to holla at me, the other day. I was like nigga please, you done fucked up, a minute ago. It's too late! It's so late that I'm even considering cutting ties with new dude! Now here's Cutie following the exact same script. Like him and Shorty bin sharing notes! It's simple really, I'm done! The next nigga I meet, best have his story sorted. I ain't about to deal with your issues and I don't wanna hear it. You wanna be with me? Cool. You don't? Get the fuck out!

I'ma be hardcore now coz I've realised that my being open has also made me a lil naive. Fairy-tales only exist in books. I ain't the exception.

As far as my radio career is concerned, I haven't been offered anything by the station from a DJ point of view. When I found out on Thursday, I felt my world crash around me. That sucked. I was really hoping that I would be given the opportunity to take on the training slots but alas, I've been asked to submit a demo instead. Didn't know how to react to that. That hurt. But I'll do as required.

Then there's TV... dunno hey...I'm in two worlds...and boy do I need a holiday!

Day 139-153: Untitled.

I've always thought it to be such a cop-out when artists can't just name their products. I've always found the use of the term 'untitled' to be the unnecessary pretence of so called 'depth' within the arts. And here I am, using the very same word. how hypocritical. Truth is, it's been a minute since I last blogged so I finding it difficult to reduce the past fortnight into a silly phrase especially since the 180 Days are drawing to an end. So In spite of my being conscious that I may be thinking emotionally because of my PMS, I now see how artists may feel that a title, in its simple words, fails to honor the experience, whether good or bad. If anything, the words disrespect it by being so shallow. And that's where the depth of thought lies. Well, if writers felt so strongly about everything, they would probably never write. Hence writer's block. The insistence on the perfect translation. And that's why film was created...

That just dawned on me now... Speaking of which... Let's recap... With the radio internship winding down, I'm happy to say I'm creating the best radio of my life. My links are short and punchy and fun and cool... although I gots to work on my um's and er's and slickness... but for the most part, I really believe that I'm sounding better than ever. I even received my first batch of hate mail, thanx to the internet humour surrounding MJ's passing. Now you know what they say, you ain't ish until you've got haters. I've finally relaxed enough to allow the real me to come out through my radio links. And for me that's the biggest accomplishment. I'm hopin that they gimme a proper on-air gig once the internship is over. I'm do my darnest to make it happen. If only there were enough hours in the day because since my new job, my radio endeavours have taken a beating... which makes me wonder... what is it that I really want? Could I possibly be biting of my nose to spite my face? Should I be concentrating on my radio gig especially as the gig draws to an end or concentrate on my new gig because of the latter?

As far as my new job is concerned... I just started at a TV production company on this brand new show. Unlike my previous TV gig... I work on content full-time now. I would prefer to be writing scripts and have far more control over content but they say that will come. Quite a bit goes into a TV show and I'm learning quite a bit. Very exciting to be part of something that has so much potential.

As far as Cutie is concerned... It's plenty deja-vu. Dating without the intimacy and titles. Like where do I meet these 'different' niggas that are commitment-phobic with trunks of baggage? Seriously? Is this God's way of telling me to stay away from the opposite sex. or is the Script-Writer outta ideas? I mean like attracts like... If these niggas be on that tip then clearly I ain't ready for a relationship either but then why am I so convinced of the opposite. How come I feel that I can be with one dude.. and make it work?! And yet I keep hitting a brick-wall by connecting with niggas that make me want to fall in love and be with them when they aren't so keen to do the same... What the hell is going on?

What I do know for sure is that beyond these niggas hold the key to my personal-development... I think... well, I hope... there's gots to be some sorta convoluted reason for all this drama... In which ever capacity. I wouldn't be able to deal with Cutie if I hadn't dealt with Shorty. But maybe I would prefer to not have had to deal with either dude... as much as I love zinging with new dude... I can't stand ll the drama! Can't I just meet a normal dude that digs me back and wants me without any hesitations or a haunting past!? Cumon already!

As far as my career is concerned... I just started at a TV production company on this brand new show. Unlike my previous TV gig... I work on content full-time now. I would prefer to be writing scripts and have far more control over content but they say that will come. Quite a bit goes into a TV show and I'm learning quite a bit. Very exciting to be part of something that has so much potential. And boy are we working hard to unleash it...

what else... I got as ride but I can't drive it coz I don't have a driver's license... lol...come to think of it... it's very much like dating somebody that you can't kiss and you can't call your boyfriend. Imagine all the pent up frustration! Dammit! I ain't about to return my car, instead, I'ma work at getting the right papers... is that how one should deal with Cutie? Get me some papers? the cred? the qualification? Earn the respect perhaps? Show my commitment? mm...

Day 104-107: Kingdom Come...

A dramatic build up often concludes in an equally undramatic anti-climax! You'll walk away and be on some... That's it?! Really now? Really?! No... Seriously!

Today was a day of firsts... Let's start with my first time hosting the 4AM-5AM slot. Dude! I really thought I would be less nervous which in turn turned out to be my biggest challenge (please note that I didn't say 'difficulty'. I picked that up from a guest lecturer, the other day. It's a mere obstacle... A lil hill...) was my anxiety. Self-inflicted n absolutely self-indulgent... It appears that in those moments, I forgot the teachings from A New Earth and Dr Gary Zukav... Nerves amount to selfish energy because it makes the situation only about you. It's not only about me but also the people listening and being subjected to poor radio because I'm way too self-involved to step out of MY anxiety to give them a decent show... Now I'm feeling like even though I get the above, I've gone from selfish to self-pity... Well, either way, there's no room for egoism! Just Do It!

And that's exactly what I plan on doing on Monday morning when we do it again. Keep it simple and short but pacy n punchy... Like a manly Ryan Seacrest... I wanna say risque stuff and have listeners latching on to my every word. Did I manage that despite my stage fright? I think I did what I could, considering the situation... It's not everyone that can talk about their 'friend' who sucks dick in order to deal with stress... And it's not many people that can be open about their less-than-cool approach.

Another first occurred after the show. Shorty n I hung out at his crib. Not only were we completely alone for the very first time, but we also had some privacy outside the confines of a car or even a corridor or a movie theatre or food outlet or event... Twas crazy surreal for him for me to be in his space... For me, it was the perfect escape from the memory of a not-so-perfect radio show.

I dunno if it was too soon but I knew that we would some time. And that day came... What's meant to be will be... What's meant to happen, did!

So now that we have that out of the way... Let's double up... Lol... Now the trick will be to figure if we gonna stay together despite those typical doubtful feelings that come with the-morning-after-the-night-before...
We actually spoke about it a lil... And it was a lil reminiscent ot the the first time we kissed. When that finally happened, I sorta wished that we had waited because as much as I wanted to do it, I really missed the feeling of anticipation from those previous three weeks.

But isn't that always the case. Feeling as though you shouldn't have done what you did. But you had to do it to prove a point... Whether to cement your feelings or to cultivate further feelings... it's how society has shaped intimacy. You can't claim to be seeing/feeling somebody and you guys don't kiss or beyond. I mean what would set you apart from the next pair of friends if you guys, as a couple, aren't acting on the feelings of lust?

So what makes a relationship? According to FFB, without fucking there is no relationship therefore you might as well be close friends. He rates it solidifies things. I dunno if I concur... I'm pretty sure me and Shorty are more than "close friends" but I dunno how I know... I guess I trust that he ain't sharing the same thoughts with other women. Lol! So now he can't have a female BFF?
[Enter Alicia Keys with 'Grlfriend'... I think I'm jealous of your girl friend...]
If you have somebody that you constantly spend time with but there's no shagging then you guys are either BFFs or BF and GF. What sets that apart????


So I looked up the definition of RELATIONSHIP...

–noun 1. a connection, association, or involvement.
2. connection between persons by blood or marriage.
3. an emotional or other connection between people: the relationship between teachers and students.
4. a sexual involvement; affair.

Clearly the above didn't help...
So I looked it up in the Thesauraus...
And the following jumped at me...

connection, friendship, affinity, bond, hookup...

An affinity... that zing that draws you and keeps you close to another person. Those butterflies that a simple BFF can't make you feel. That's what makes a relationship. Those strong, amorous feelings for another person that are often translated into the physical but don't exist because of the physical!

Ah Ha moment of note!

I'm considering calming down on the intimacy aspect until Shorty is comfortable. I don't want him doing stuff... hell... I don't wanna be doing stuff coz that's what's expected. We should be doing stuff coz that's what we wanna do...

Day 2 - Having Deja-vu...

I finally got with the 09 program today when I finally started my new gig (the six month internship at the radio station). I was bright and early and anxious as to what lay ahead.I wondered how many more of us wannabees there were.
Ten(equally anxious) faces looked back at me as I walked into the reception. One more chick was missing. Numbers were split equally along gender lines, complete with the token white boy.
And I tried to put on my poker face. It was like walking into the set of a reality TV show. Weird how that was my first point of reference. Clearly I have been watching way way way too much TV.
To break the ice, I said as much...
A girl with a ginger/blond wig/weave set up (a la Kate Hudson, complete with bangs) concurred.
"And we already have the bitch." she added with a cackle.
Ok, it was not so much a cackle. And no, she didn't mean I was the bitch. She was poking fun at herself. Besides Bitch is a strong word, let's rather go with witch.
I was too nervous to laugh and too cautious to agree. So I just raised my eyebrows.
"Well, as long as that role is filled." I offered.
She took it. Very well infact.
Oh, who am I kidding she loved the attention.
And I thought back to all those times, that I had watched the Apprentice, Survivor, The Real World, Big Brother and how I always ended up hating this sort of person or worse loving to hate them.
Aaaawwwwww... I wanted to be that person... well not so much... that person never wins the audience vote....
What?! Wait! but this isn't reality TV, it's real life with a reality TV spin. Or real life being real life. Life can't imitate art.... can it?!
Either way, I was about to meet Donald Trump and his aides.
I also got to know the others a lil.
lets round up the women...
There's the Jill Scott look-a-like.. she's warm and engaging, with the cutest splash of freckles on her cheeks. She has already been dubbed "Mother" by the "Witch". Great.. the cliche roles are being filled nicely.
There are the twins... well, they aren't twins rather party girls that seemed to click from the get go. Think Paris Hilton and Lindsey Lohan. They tell it how they see it and have already expressed their disdain for the Witch.
And then there's the Cinderella.. she's rather quiet and keeps to herself. Besides she had a rather hectic first day. They worked her to the bone. Can't do too much talking when you are caught between a boss sandwich (hah ha urbandictionary word of the day... glad I could use it in a sentence...)
Now for the boys...
Honestly all day, there was no talent... Getting over the ex would prove to be difficult especially without some proper distractions.
Ait.. you know about the white boy... well he also knows more vernac than me and if it wasn't for his obvious paleness, he would a , for all intensive purposes, a fellow black brother...
There's the slightly camp dude and at the risk of this being used against me for litigation purposes, he is very sweet and very much like one of the girls... Complete with a coach bag and pull back cornrows...
There's the rock loving black dude...but he don't really dress the part.. he is White Boy's BFF...
While the guy that dresses punk rock is into hip hop... slightly confusing...
And then there's this other strange dude that says weird things but doesn't even realise it.
Not hot.
That's everyone I think.
Our Donald Trump demands as much respect and I am starting to think that this is not to be a lovely stroll in the park. Much more hectic. Should be interesting either way.
I've been paired up with White Boy as we go on our fortnightly department runs.
I think he may have the One Upper Syndrome. Good times.
Stay tuned.