Day 57-58: oh goodness...

You know when you like somebody so much that you sorta gag after talking to them coz you are so sure that you made an utter fool of yourself during that lil conversation. Or when they call at night and they are brazen enough to figure, out loud, that they are the reason for your insomnia. On the flip side, you cleverly realise that besides them being aware of how absolutely smitten you are, their call also indicates that they may be suffering from a similar affliction because of a lil thing called you... That's when your tummy gets tied up into so many knots that you wanna sit on it, somehow and squash those damn butterflies. You're certain that you could literally pass out from experiencing this overwhelming emotion... But then you realise that it's just gas... Once that's passed... You go back to wishing he was there, kissing you, holding you, talking, laughing, staring... Then your toes curl in... You think back to that earlier conversation... And the gag reflex kicks in...
It's a vicious, highly contradictory cycle which makes you wish, with much hesitation, that the situation would just plateau so that you may ultimately be able to get some sleep.

Why am I so shy around you/ Why am I so shy/ Why do I take care to astound you/ Why do I even try...

Shorty finds it incredulous that I, so dope and hella interesting, feels that way about him. Which is hella humbling coz I feel that way about him. Every time I expect him to tune me some story about me coming on too strong or suffocating him, he doesn't. Or the worst thing that a man can say, 'I'm not ready for a relationship.' He even says our hand-holding feels natural. Yes, he says all the right things... [insert deep, long, heavy sigh here]... And yet I doubt...

Today, I was labelled a playa by one of the fellow interns. She and some other dude starting counting all the guys with whom I've ever shared a hug (only two have really gotten more). But the truth is, It makes no difference to me if ten guys dig me at once coz much of the time, my definition of 'dig' is usually a lil different from theirs. Being objectified sucks. Its the price of beauty. The price of lust. The price of being a woman really. And it only just adds to our paranoia and mistrust of men in general. It's funny how I understand that from my point of view but I struggle when I try see it from where Shorty is standing.

Side-thought: I dunno where I'm going with this... So maybe I should just start with Monday...

His wicked sense of humour/ Suggests/ Exciting sex/ His fingers/ They focus on her/ Touches/ Venus as a boy... He believes in beauty/ He's Venus as a boy...
He's exploring/ The taste of her/ Arousal so accurate/ He sets off/ The beauty in her/ He's Venus/ Venus as a boy...

Ok that was the last digression...
My memory is a lil hazy but Shorty took me home coz car-pool-dude was off sick. Plus he had to make it up to me, right... Another session on the road in traffic.... And before I knew it, we were pullin up to my crib....

Tuesday began before dawn at an Outside Broadcast in Soweto. Once back at the office, there was nil to do so I went in search of physiotherapist. Oh and some deo.... Just before heading to my 1 'o clock at my former employer. They won't be giving me the other position but a marketing co-ordinator position. Dope! Slight problem, they are keen for me to start, like yesterday. But wait, what about my radio dream... Mm... Dunno hey...

Day 54-56: Weekend tremors... Part II

This weekend, Shorty screwed up. So bad that I feel as though trusting him would be hella naive....

On Friday, we were at some event together and hotdamn did he look good. So good that he made my outfit look wack! Lol! This is crazy. Anywho, some chick in her short shorts, heels and curly-sue braids was clearly hollering at him. Pulling him by the hand. Grinding on him. Now this brought back memories of my MBA ex at the Wordsworth Party People last year. That night really changed the vibe of our thang or rather, more accurately, I woke up and finally read the 'IT'S BEEN OVER' sign. [Which would explain why I ain't keen to holla back at him coz it took me a minute to get over his stunts.] Technically, I couldn't get mad coz we were glorified friends with benefits. He couldn't or rather wouldn't deal with having a 'girlfriend' and having to be responsible for someone else's feelings' [insert a blood curdling 'HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU' here!]

So yeah, I knew as much and to see deja-vu in action in broad-daylight, I was about to have a BF for real. Armed with liquid courage, I pulled him to the side and asked him wtf with sheer vindication on the outside and sheer dread on the inside.

I half-expected him to tune that he ain't gotta explain nothin to me. He saved me the embarrassment but his dismissive reaction was equally as icy. 'Don't worry about that. That's what people do around here!'

Ya neh! Next thing, he's gone off somewhere and this new Miss Thang is also MIA! [Plus, I'm left to babysit his friend who was hella cute, might I add. Chocolate skin and all... But Shorty got me checkin for nobody else really....] My blood began to boil... Mind you, I gots to go home with this nigga.... Aaaaaargh! Typical!

When he finally returned he claimed to be getting some takeaways for his fam. I was hella sceptical.... But then he smiled at me reassuringly... And when he touched me, I melted like a gullible fool. We drove home in some Adele-fied ambience (he liked my gift, he was hella floored that I got him the album for his bday) and our parting shot was our SECOND kiss. About dam time! Lol. This is a lot of work.

The following day, the plan was to hit yet another gig but my cousin's parents' pending divorce had her in a state so she wasn't about to come out. Lil Sis figured I should tell Shorty to come get me. I hate asking for such stuff. Being the typical chic, waiting to be picked up by her man. I've never wanted my own ride so badly! Needless to say he didn't respond to my text or calls. I was livid all the way into Sunday morning when he finally called.

He had some or other excuse. And to distract me, he also mentioned how one of my fellow interns, cornered him on Saturday night, telling him that he must tell me what he really wants. Huh!? Dude! I had not even sent her. Not impressed coz I doubt it came from a genuinely compassionate space. She was on some sabotage tip. Or am I paranoid!? It's jus hella strange. Anyway... He promised to make it up to me by coming over, after dropping off his lil sister, in the afternoon.

The afternoon came and went, my excitement came and went... and during the cricket just when we thought SA was about to be handed her ass in a nail-biting Pro-20 game, he finally called or rather drunk-dialled me. Fun! And again, I couldn't be mad. Fuuuuuuuuck! But I did try state my case. He said he'd make it up to me....um...make it up to me for failing to make it up it me?! How about no more promises!? "whatever. Clearly I can't trust you." I said, hoping that I hadn't hurt him too much with such piercing words.... Can you believe it?!

I tried to be mad. I tried to state my case.
I tried.
I still feel stoopid. But I still feel him.
If its fucked, so be it. And may it end soon.

Day 54-56: Weekend tremors...

I've never been a fan of the initial stages of THE MAN-WOMAN BOOGIE, simply because everything is so fragile. It's like wearing your heart on your sleeve and hoping that your beau doesn't notice. Two reasons. You don't want him to get freaked out by any slight detection of how hectic your feelings may be. This is not Hollywood! You can't be fallin within 85 minutes. You wanna look cool but not disinterested. You wanna look interested but not psycho. It's plenty juggling. And feelings are bound to get hurt coz at the end of the day, it's a matter of two strangers attempting diplomatic romance.

Shorty takes my breathe away. As cliche as that sounds, he still makes me think before I speak and I'm irrationally worried that he can't possibly dig me at all. Never mind as much as I dig him. In my eyes, I ain't nearly as intoxicating or interesting or beautifully complex and strangely simple as he is. In fact, I don't feel like I'm good enough for him. He can do better. And I wouldn't be surprised if he figures as much. Now the rational me figures that those are clearly the crazy rhetorics of a cupid-struck loser. The Kimora in me knows that he best be in awe of me coz not many niggas are lucky enough to get this close but she says this in a rather meek n not-so-fabulous voice.

Just like a star across my sky/ Just like an angel off the page/ You have appeared to my life/ Feel like I'll never be the same/ Just like a song in my heart/ Just like oil on my hands...

It's so bad, I don't wanna be mad at him for nothing. I'm so whipped. And I'm pissed about it.

Ok anger is not a real emotion so I'm truly fearful of being so into him that when he does disappoint me, I'll hurt so bad. It'll rip at my insides and hang them on a washing line [dunno where that imagery came from...sorry].

The last time I felt this way was early last year with my ex. I was so scared of 'losing' him, I broke up with him twice to halt my over-flowing emotions. It really annoyed me! Or rather made me feel too good. So good it terrified me... If that makes sense...

Day 53: The Morning After The Night Before...

I've been meaning to discuss this but other facets of my life been rather pressing.... But here it is... Finally...

For the most part, the Thursday lectures are the highlight of my week from an academic point of view. Today, the topic of subconscious crutches perked my interest. I know I 'um' and 'er' alot. Hardly ever in general (I think) but especially on air. It's the price of being ill-prepared when you switch on that red light...

It's also the plight of my approach. I take on radio, in the same manner that I would take on writing. Raw, uneducated and hella ignorant. Now that I'm learning all these various techniques, I'm starting to wonder if I'm up to it... Perhaps even my writing skills need some refinement. I mean even the grandest of singing talents take voice-coaching lessons.

This self-doubt isn't as bad as it was a month ago but it's still as frustrating as the urge to pee. The difference between writing and radio is that the lil gems that I create can be edited and refined when doing the former but with the latter, if you flub it up once, you're done. You must get it right every time. It's no longer funny on your second attempt.

As much as I think that scripting an entire three-hour show would make things run smoother, I'm really not all that acquainted with my wit and sense of humour. I even suprise myself and laugh at myself.... [Like Weezy would say, 'I should throw myself a suprise party for every line'] 'Oh, you're hilarious', I'll say to myself... Nine times out of ten the really funny stuff is not planned and when it is, it's not nearly as ticklish. So I can't script coz my organised-humour sucks balls! Yes, I haven't tried but not the point right now!

Wait... actually, come to think of it, when I write articles, I'm hella funny... And for the most part, an article is 'planned' ie done in advance. It's not like they publish the very first draft that very day, that very moment as you write it. So maybe scripting is just lil articles in one.... Mm... I just had an aha-moment whilst typing this. With this blog, I always publish the first draft and edit it here and there. But mostly grammar and such, hardly ever chunks of text. I think a different approach maybe needed for the on-air product. Shorty figures the scripting does not have to be hella detailed. Key-words may work better. I concur. Maybe a mixture of both. Coz most of the time with scripts, whatever you plan to say, you never do. That on-air button throws you right off. But maybe in between the 'ums', I'll remember the prep and do it some justice.

Well, I'm gonna freak out, maybe I should try meditation instead....

Goodness I'm so excited about going on air soon. I'm hella keen to not only prove myself but also apply what I've learnt...

Last week, we were encouraged to research our listeners and also go figure what makes you distinct, unique, different! Everyone can back-announce, id the station and ride off a 'good radio voice' but really what makes you stand out from that 'I WANNA BE ON RADIO' crowd??!

Armed with a pen, I picked the brains of Lil Sis, Ma, my cousin, some fellow interns, Shorty and FFB (writing out 'Footsie-Footsie Boy' takes forever! Yes, I'm well-aware that the acronym amounts to BFF backwards. How appropriate. Shame that nigga is dope! Too bad he says he ain't tryna be friends coz I think we could totally be best buddies! Oh well...)

Once I got the feedback, I compared it to my own list of the things I reckon I'm good at. Um... Not many people said 'funny'. Hella disappointing. Instead straight-forward, assertive, opinionated, self-absorbed came up....
Nice... So the listeners are gonna love to hate me!

Saw Shorty yet again. We went, or rather, he went shopping again and I tagged along... but more about that later. We didn't kiss. Goodness, we didn't even hug. Like I've said before, this is like high school luvin'! I won't be suprised if we don't kiss again until next month. Ok ok I'm probably pushing it.... But I'm jus saying though...

A mutual girl friend of ours apparently hit the roof when she saw an fb message that I had sent him. She claimed me to be 'her territory' thus he should stay away. Funny coz she BEEN dating my ex on some clandestine tip. So why the hell is she catching feelings!? Actually, we long figured that she BEEN feelin Shorty for a minute... Like most psychos do... Never a dull moment in that nigga's life!

Day 52: OMG!

Pay-day has one hella effect! We all wanna drink as though we'll never be broke again. So I invited everyone to a SLING-OFF drinks session. Only because I would be leaving the Zone quite late so it would be the perfect way to pass the time.

Little did I know that removing my sling would have such an effect on Footsie-Footsie Boy. He wouldn't stop staring and even though he had not planned on staying for drinks, he did. And boy did it get 'OUTTT-CONTROL'! Worst or best of all, Shorty also stayed for a coupla hours before leaving early. Before he bounced though, I was checking fb like any regular addict would do when I noticed that yet another one of Shorty's people had commented under his status update. I had began the status debate earlier by asking why he insists on talking in the third person. Five other people responded likewise.... Much to my and probably his suprise... So I commented that it was not my intention to get some sorta intervention started... This new comment that had just came in, con-fuss-ingly had nothing to do with the issue at hand. Instead, it accused Shorty of sending blank texts. Is there something wrong with your phone, she enquired, grasping at straws. I didn't recognise the name and Shorty confirmed it to be Miss Thang. I had to LOL coz for the first time during this whole saga, her psycho status had been made official. Her comment, only sought to create drama and I'm thankful that she's way too retarded to figure that she voluntarily advertised her kookiness and inadvertantly flushed any mistrust towards Shorty from my mind... If she was being legit, she would've been discreet and not post something publicly, clearly meant for my eyes!

The story quickly became old... Phew!... and Shorty and I rejoined the conversation at the table... Well, I did. He was hella quiet. Near uncomfortable. I was not suprised when he announced his early departure... I was not happy about it and I said as much without really wanting to get into a fight...

And then it happened... As we were heading to his car, he took my hand and led me up some deserted stairs...

*This can't really be happening...*

Then we stopped...

*Oh my gosh, it is about to happen...*

And it did... He pulled me close and for the first time, physically recognised my body... Ok it didn't even get PG, nor did it last long.... We just kissed... Finally! It was so surreal... And gentle and delicate... AND HELLA OVERDUE! ...And everything I hadn't expected.... He took me completely by suprise... I BEEN ready to make out, I'm glad he finally hopped onto that train...
'So the hairstyle did the trick', he joked. You dam skippy it did!

Back at the restaurant, yet another one of Footsie-Footsie Boy's wingmen put in a good word for him. This time it was his cousin. Ha ha! I think that such loyalty is so adorable coz he had crossed the tipsy line, a while back and wasn't about to impress me with any stoopid or slurred speech! Although, I appeared to be encouraging it by reacting to his crazy utterances... So we ended up fighting like an ol married couple... In hindsight, not my best moments...

He was, however, able to walk me to the car. And I took the opportunity to fill him in on the Shorty situation. On the surface, he took it well... I mean I didn't get accused of leading him on or anything of a sort that I thought maybe thrown at me. He also, didn't even begin to sling mud at the competition even in after smoking that blunt...

What a man, what a man, what a man, what a mighty good man... He also reckoned he'd be over it by morning.... Negro please! To soften the blows, I may have made it look as though I might be able to still make movies tomorrow. When really, I had already made up my mind but he only needed to know that tomorrow. I ain't keen to look like a player. In anybody's eyes. Lest we forget that I wasn't checkin to get involved in the first place... Wow... Such drama! Yho!

Day 51: Somethin' New...

Rosa Parks sat so that Martin Luther could walk/ Martin Luther walked so that Barack Obama could run/ Barack Obama ran so that all the children could fly/ So I'ma spread my wings/ You can meet me in the sky...

The bad news: These very lyrics nearly cost me my phone at about 10 AM today. There I was, minding my own business, tryna update my fb status but it kept bouncing back coz the words were more than 160 characters. Hella frustrating. So I had to resort to the single most annoying thing on fb... Using SMS language... But because I was so moved by the words, I didn't mind butchering them for hip hop's sake!

Lil did I know, that beyond my mini-skirt, my furious typing had attracted the attention of opportunist criminals... I couldn't have noticed them though coz I also had Jay-Z blaring in my ears... Honestly, I ignored that lil voice that warned me that I had just entered Sin City (they aren't loitering... They are dealers and working women...) so I may wanna put my valuables away... But nooooooo....!

So Mr Man aka The Hustler walks up to me and puts his arm around me. I jump and turn my head up, expecting to see a familiar face but instead I was met with a scowling face, an extended hand and a bearly audible 'Tlisa' (Sotho for- 'Gimme that')! How about no?! By the time he had demanded my phone, I had already begun reacting (screaming) to his foreign grimy arm being around my neck. By the time I realised that he was audaciously tryna jack me by asking me for MY phone as though it was HIS phone (on some Derren Brown tip), I was way too annoyed with fb's damn restrictions and now a stranger's sticky slime on my back! Oh hell no! So I walked off and so did he, empty-handed, defeated, probably wishing that I hadn't been listening to music at the moment he struck.

It wasn't until I was a few feet away from the scene that I realised what had nearly occured. Then I was freaked. Couldn't believe I still had my phone. I mean he could've just grabbed it and ran but he was probably just dying to touch me. Lol! Goodness!

Oh yeah... I should've maced his ass. Which reminds me of what a friend once said about my Mace can. When I need it most, I won't even think about it. Besides, it would've taken forever to dig into my mother of a bag to find it.

If my phone had been taken, I wouldn't be alive to write this coz my moms would've blazed my ass! She's constantly on my case about how much time I spend mucking about on my phone especially in public, shopping malls, the street. She's often prophesised that someone is bound to snatch my phone!

Ever since my first phone in Grade Nine, I haven't been able to keep a phone. They always get jacked (even the brick classic Nokia 5110 which was merely substituting for another phone which had been stolen recently), mostly because of my lack of alertness. As much as my mom would revel in being right, she'd be more pissed at my inability to do better when I know better.

Bottom line, I got away with nearly screwing up my day-off. Didn't head to work because of this Taxi Drama. Instead I tackled all the things that I haven't been able to do because of my schedule. Got my hair did. I figure if this hairstyle doesn't get me a kiss... Then nothing will. My chauvanistic hairdresser said I should let him know how things progress coz he willing to help me out for a R50 fee! How about no!? Paid the the doctor a visit- the good news... I'm officially out the sling. Shorty tried to suprise me again today. Wasn't there to enjoy it. Sucky! Maybe tomorrow!? Let's see him try resist this... Two arms, hot hair, cute ass, stellar personality... Lol... Goodness... This is beyond sad!

Day 50: Suprise Surprise...

Cause everybody knows/ That nobody really knows/ How to make it work/ Or how to ease the hurt/ We've heard it all before/ That everybody knows/ How to make it work/ I wish we gave it one more try...

I was hoping that today's blog wouldn't even sniff at Shorty. But alas... Bear with me though. This won't be as long-winded coz I'm just so deflated... Shorty suprised me by 'bumping' into me today... Even 'Alicia Keys' said we suit eachother... That was the good part... My guy friend, whom Miss Thang confided in, is convinced that I'm being played. Not-so-good part! Well, he may have the most complicated love-life, next to mine but I still respect his opinion. I'm well aware just how illogical and irrational emotions can make one, no matter how much one trusts What's-His-Face. My buddy figures that 'There's no smoke without fire!'.... After spending fifty days in the cut-throat setting of Northern Joburg, I know that not everyone is normal. They lie, cheat, steal, screw around to get their way. I also know that you can't trust anybody. Even if that somebody is highly convincing, complete with heavy emotion and threatening remarks. Everyone's on Broadway! Shorty once said he doesn't wanna confront Miss Thang coz it'll turn ugly (like her... Lol). She apparently declared that I better leave her man alone or else... 'Oh, you jus mad coz I'm stylin' on ya!...'

This all makes me think of MacBeth and how ambition turned him into a murderous monster... Is it worth it? I mean, is it worth it to bear the brunt of somebody's determination... Shouldn't I just step out the way?

Back to my point.... There's no smoke without fire? Or is there? Shorty may claim to be the victim of defamation and goodness knows that I would love to believe that with all my heart... But if he is being honest then naturally or even far-fetchedly so, it follows that Jacob Zuma really could be the victim of a heavy conspiracy...? An underground movement that is keen to see him go down. He may not have done anything, even remotely wrong. He may just have gotten in the way of a hectically motivated individual... Can life be that bizarre? Or are the facts that simple... And the truth hardly complicated... Short of calling on a Sherlock Holmes and flipping through some phone records or even Shorty's phone, I have no way of proving anything without becoming psycho myself... I only have my gut feel... Is it worth it to deal with so much drama? Juliette got herself killed coz of it...

Good dude/ Bad night/ Right place/ Wrong time/ In the blink of an eye/ His whole life changed/ If you could feel how my face felt/ You'd know how Mase felt/ Thank God, I ain't too cool for the safe belt...

Last year, Paul cheated, towards the end of our first month together. He kept it up for a few weeks. I only found out a month later. My gut failed me. Atleast that's how I felt. Cheated. Absolutely swindled. Fooled. Stoopid. Hella betrayed. All that security and validation that a woman works so hard to achieve within a relationship, all shattered. Broken as though it never ever existed. As though I had imagined it all. And in many ways, I had. It was all in my inflated head. Hubristic [New word from Grey's lol] coz I thought he was so whipped. I wasn't bothered into paying any real attention to our relationship. I didn't have to work at it much coz I felt that he couldn't be anymore impressed with my persona. Pride comes before a fall hey... Besides I was way too caught up in my job. My relationship amounted to rent-a-friend. Someone that's there to fill up the moments when you aren't working, sleeping, eating, washing up, reading... So maybe my gut didn't fail me. Maybe there was no smoke but a massive fire that I was too self-involved too notice...

I dunno... I really don't coz when I was in it, I really did feel like an active (ok maybe only 60% active) part of the relationship. Because of that balls-up, I'm a lil more cautious... I'm scared that this time, my gut may 'fail' me again. I may be so into this guy that I wouldn't recognise Deception even if he came up and dislocated my other shoulder...

Aaaaaargh! So now what?

No answers there. Footsie-Footsie Boy got a new ride and he's keen to do movies this Thursday... Complete with a ride home... Full steam ahead... I'm hella chaffed, dunno if I'll do it though... My ex has also been 'checkin on me'... Dunno hey... Moved on and moved up... Lol... My long-lost-love-from-another-life-time, Bots-Boy, who I have yet to meet, f-b'd and it turns out that he's been reading my blog... He and other folks too... I know I wrote this so that y'all could read it but really, I'm hella freaked by all the people that do take the time to read this soap-opera. Dankie baie!

I really wish work was more interesting, at the moment so that I could stop writing about men... It makes me feel so flat to be gaaning aan about one and the same subject! But it is what it is/ And the way it is/ Is kinda fucked up!

Day 48-49: Con-FUSS-ed!

Saturday was dedicated to my 'adopted' lil sis. Double score coz it would get my mind off Shorty. Especially coz she's in the middle of a pregnancy scare and we needed to get her checked. Also, needed to catch up... It's been a minute since I saw her and telephonic chats just ain't the same. Last time I saw her, she was a virgin... Now she's late. I'm not the best big sister I guess but now that things are a lil more chilled, I'ma be there especially now that she's nearly done with high school and she's tryna figure out where to go, what to do.

During the conversation, after the pregnancy tests, we discussed her PUSHER bf and how patient she has to be with him when he doesn't call because he apparently has family issues. She reckons that I should be more patient with Shorty coz I never know what's going on with him, that's got him all quiet. Imagine! This 17 year-old child giving me advice. Talk about role reversal. I WAS LESS THAN IMPRESSED TO BE TOLD, for all intensive purposes, to chase after a triflin nigga! Those six words flooding my mind, 'HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU!'... My heart hoped that the opposite was true so that I wouldn't have to start building that bridge...

I put my pride to the side... With Sade (Love is Stronger than Pride) in the background and lil one urging me on... I called him, absolutely certain that a verbal altercation would ensue... Apparently, I was so freaked that I was shaking... However, he was in high spirits, heading to the bank. 'But it's closed,' he moaned... Well duh, it's after twelve on a Saturday, Sparky!

Ok... Good news... We talking about everyday stuff... Bad news... We talking as though things been normal since Thursday... So I broke the ice by saying just how suprised I am that he's cool coz he's been giving me the silent treatment. He in turn, mentioned his phantom text from Thursday night which he says was sent at the same time that mine came in. He even thought that my text was a replying to his.

The double texting must have screwed with the matrix coz I never got his text. Which is hella sucky coz I've been hating him for two days. Imagine if I hadn't heeded the counsel of a teenager.... He resent the text which contained an apology for being 'an idiot', he just doesn't feel like company when he is pissed! He also aired some grievances. He feels like 'I want him to do things that I want him to do'! I really don't get that so I'm gonna ask when I see him... But I guess I gotta cool it on the Miss Independent tip.... So I'ma compromise... I'm glad that we sorted stuff out coz I'm keen to spoil him for his birthday, which is in a week. Who knows, I might even get a kiss out of it... Actually, at this rate, I'll be lucky to get a handshake...

Day 47: It Doesn't Rain, It Flash-Floods!

Oh you're the reason why I'm thinking/ I don't wanna smoke on these cigarettes no more/ I guess that's what I get for wishful thinking/ Shoulda never let you enter my door/ Next time you wanna go on and leave/ I should just let you go on and do it/ It's not amusing like I believe...

It may have been the end of the week but Friday was not about to go out quietly. In fact, Friday the 13th was a week late and fiercer than it's ever been.

Not only was my direct Rosebank taxi taken off the rank coz there were hardly any people to take it but once in the Alex taxi, it took us over half an hour to get onto the highway because of some or other Metro Police detour! Good times!

Not that I'm condoning the measures that Taxi-drivers resort to in order to not 'waste' time but really if it wasn't for those 'reckless' offenders, I'd get to work, much much later. Well, today we got one of the conservative, ol fashioned types with countless peek-a-boo's of grey on his head. This driver was not tryna break the law so I took the time to catch up on some sleep... While the other passengers, called in late.

Once in Joburg, I could see a mother of a cloud hanging over Sandton City. Funny coz the highway was only partly cloudy with some sunshine, creating one hella false sense of security for the me and my naked calves!

The script-writer/director finally cued the rain. And I mean rain! One moment it was sunny, the next it was hailing hard. So hard that water was splashed into the taxi when a car drove past. That's when many wished they had called in sick instead. Couldn't believe the amount of water. Visibility was to the minimum and getting off the taxi was like crossing a river. As much as I have been ignoring 'The Inconvenient Truth', can't help but reckon that we experienced the price of Global Warming...

By the time we got to my stop, the rain had stopped and the risk of flash-floods had greatly subsided. In less than thirty minutes. But it was way after nine! Luckily I'm currently in a lax department. Nobody raised an eyebrow.

I tried not to think about what's-his-face but my crappy morning had spun me straight into a messed up mood, compounded by his stubbornness and lack of compassion! So I was hella sad especially when I was recounting last night's events to 'Rihanna'. Oh, I think it's officially over between Lover and me. We haven't communicated all week basically. So I'm pretty much single, for real, for real. Maybe Shorty trippin is a good thing... I can get my focus back. Men are stoopid! I've decided! Here I am... Fighting love again... Oh well... I'll be fine. This isn't a first. Men BEEN stoopid. The next one just better be less stoopid!

Day 46: Really now?! Really... No... Seriously!?

It's funny how just when you are attempting to avoid Drama... She comes knocking at your door in a pair of cheap heels, a mop of plastic hair, a face plastered with unflattering make-up... 'Loud as a motor-bike but couldn't bust a grape in a fruit fight' Looking like a trashy, hot, ghetto mess! It's nasty. And the heffa ain't even embarrassed.... Stoopid girl!

Or maybe I'm the stupid one. How can Shorty come with so much drama in a matter of days... And it's not just Miss Thang and her 'I'm tryna jack her man' allegations, he is also hella sensitive and moody and impatient and always ready to flip. Is it not simpler to just engage with unavailable men? I mean in that sorta situation you don't have to deal with a nigga's PMS! You focus on the good times coz they are few and far between.

Because of an RSVP'ing miscommunication, he couldn't get in so I couldn't get in to an industry event. This translates into a worse date than the previous one. Whoever thought that was possible?! Dude!

This nigga got so mad that he hardly spoke to me during the trip home. IT WAS SO AWKWARD... I tried to sleep through it but couldn't manage. I tried to find the words so that we can atleast begin to resolve the issues... Ko kae!?! He was not having it... I hated feeling like I gotta walk on egg-shells... I'm never afraid but every time we have some sorta confrontation, he brings up stuff that never seemed to bother him before! Or stuff that's flat out me! Like how I tend to exaggerate out of jest and even call him an ass! Dude! Now he has a problem with that! He even flipped when I rubbed his arm.... So I'm dealing with two psychos at the moment... I really wasn't tryna deal with that especially after another crappy date! Pretoria has never seemed far away...

When its good, its fantastic. When its bad, its hell and it's only been a coupla weeks.... I'm not aiming to get involved into a psycho affair. He better ship up or I'll ship out!

He didn't even reply to my text, hoping that he had a safe trip. Whatever! Like I said to him, it makes no sense that when I'm away from him, I miss him so much. But when we together, its like this?! Wtf! Smh!?
Cue Ne-yo's Mad...

Oh that dreaded Q came up... From him... What is this? What's going on between us? I said, isn't it too early to be labelling this....?!
He concurred... Good answer he said.... Kiss my ass! As far as I'm concerned, hooking up with a guy that acts like a snot-nosed six year-old is not on my to-do list.

Day 44-45: Part2 - Sunshine promises rain...

Tuesday was the big day and before I knew it, I had to start heading off to Hyde Park. One of my BFF's who had actually suggested me for the job, to the powers that be, called to check on my state on mind. She also mentioned one possible obstacle. My lack of mobility. It wasn't til she mentioned that, that my proposal lost its lustre and appeal. And I left, near complete deflation.

Once in the boardroom, the HR chic was in another meeting and thus couldn't be part of the panel. SCORE! And I was with some familiar friendly faces... Gotta love the sling! And my charm... Lol... Who am I kidding... My legs had adopted a life of their own... Shaking uncontrollably... But really, it went well... And from what I heard, they are looking for someone just like me... That lives the brand and is looking to forge relationships...

My life's about to get complicated... I think... But what's new!? I mean, I hate to count my chickens before they hatch but really....
Ok... Once back at the Zone, I head to Clicks for my flu shot. The nurse was a lil peculiar. She took the injection out the packaging and then started looking for some document. Meanwhile the naked needle is hazardedly pointed up. This went on for a good 5 minutes and I started to wonder about its hygiene. She must've read my mind coz she mentioned how she was still recovering from a car accident which would explain her rather odd behaviour. I was relieved?! Not even. But then she stuck the needle in and it was over. The quick band-aid rip-off trick. I got my free supply of vitamin C and as I was about to leave, she mentioned family-planning. First consult for 50 bucks... Um, thanx... I swear this woman is psychic!

Back at the office, music department, still not bumping. I was not missed. We did a recording for the teaser campaign with the official voice. Twas dope to hear some of my liners come to life.

As we came out the studio, at about 2pm, I see that Shorty is around. I decide to white-flag it and go say hi. And the butterflies zinged with energy as he hugged me and his hand lingered on my lower back. ST! ST! ST! Now there's a reason to stick around....

We duked it out. Cleared the air. He didn't come through coz he had to clean his sneakers. How disconcerting. I said as much. Furthermore, brightspark had forgotten about our date.... Disturbia...

But after I had made myself heard, I let it go. Coz he makes me feel that good... Without even tryin... I'm sucha pushover! If I didn't know better, I'd say I was whipped... Despite the crap that people are saying about him... Not that I'm discounting it... I really dunno who to trust but what I know for sure is what I feel for him... And how he makes me glow... So for now, illogically enough, everybody else can kiss my ass! Like the song says.... SO WHAT!?

The drive to the State Theatre took forever so we arrived late. They wouldn't let us in and he took it quite badly. The good thing is that we spent the time in traffic talking and I even told him about Lover. But wait for it... He already knew... Somebody who I thought was a friend, beat me to it, despite being aware that I was reluctantly planning on doing exactly that, on Saturday already. She also told him that he should stay away from me coz I'm hectic! What!? Our theory is that she feelin him! Well, join the queue Heffa! Needless to say that I ain't talkin to her as much anymore. But I ain't gonna confront her... Funny, she's the one that was advising me to stay away from him. What? Did she think we don't talk!? Stoopid girl!

He was still hella shocked by my confirmation of the Lover story so I'm glad I could clear it up... After being bounced from the theatre, we decided to head to Hatfield which was packed on a Tuesday night!? What kind?! So we found no parking and headed to Brooklyn. It started to rain. Co-fi was empty and I thought it a good idea to drink something on an empty stomach... Needless to say T-Pain started singing 'Tipsy'... Luda belted out 'One More Drink' and Jamie and I 'Blamed it' on the alcohol as I embarrassingly pulled in for a kiss only to be met with a big fat no entry sign. The date turned awkward right there.... Me and my stupid urges.... I was so embarrassed. And when he dropped me off, we discussed it. He likes to digest while I like to do. We are hella different. I'm not used to this...

Oh, he also figures that our butterflies are only different in the sense that, if we got a chance to be alone, we'd go buckwild... Lol... How comforting... It's his birthday next week... So who knows...

It must be criminal to write so much about a nigga but I'm enjoying getting to know him so much that I gots to share... Hopefully, the next post won't be so obsessive... Hopefully, the next date won't get rained out...

P.s. How dope is it that we have yet to kiss? No thanx to me. But nevertheless the case... By now, I've already jumped a nigga.... Not that I haven't tried-Lol! But you know what I mean!

Day 44-45: Part1 - Rain promises a Rainbow...

Monday was anything but a good day. I missed the direct taxi to Rosebank and only just made it to the lecture which turned out to be yet another self-indulgent, long-winded artist-based flick from the 80s. This time we were treated to the majesty that is Prince and the artistic joke that is Purple Rain the movie. Another artist that thought he could act so he called up all his out-of-work, non-actor friends to hooked them up with paying gigs. As much as I delight in some charity, I was anything but delighted to be put through 90 minutes of that. And to top it all off... My all time favourite Prince song, 'Diamonds and Pearls' was not showcased in the movie. So I sat through that huffin n puffin for no climax....

So my morning was fucked! The weather was deteriorating fast. Fortunately, I was dressed for it with my sandals and peddle-pushers... Cute but not during chilly, cloudy temperatures! The music department was far from buzzing. And just when I thought things were picking up, it started to pour. Inside and out. The weather and the person. A good idea went horribly wrong.

There I was conversing with the Programming guy and my pending job interview came up which resulted im him listening to some of my radio links from my Top Stereo days. Granted, it wasn't great radio but it was what it was. And boy, was he unimpressed. My heart bled. Little did I know that it literally was bleeding out.... Red Robot! Once I had managed to tear myself from that office, I finally realised that Day One of a different kind had begun. Two types of emotions... I'm not pregnant- Yay! Babies are instant career killers! And oh, no wonder I been feeling like shit- Aaaaah [insert pout here].

The only thing that kept my spirit up was that Shorty was gonna come through and I'd be able to see his glow and unload on him. But it was already getting late and I was hella anxious already. Interview tomorrow. Right decision even?! All these damn questions... So to pass the time, I logged on to net, hustling for SA Blog Awards nominations... Then the email came in... That messed up my day... One simple, innocent request from my side, unleashed a tyrant from a highly sensitive stranger. 'not even a greeting. Is that the way to speak to a stranger?' she asked. Now this is
was the final straw!? So I picked up the phone and attempted to make my intentions clear. My mom assured me that I had every right to ask questions and I figured Miss Thang must be having a Day One of her own...

Shorty was MIA well into my bedtime, while I was preparing my Presentation... Needless to say that after my wack day, I was about to blow. I may have been slightly afraid of a confrontation but I knew that it had to come to a head, sometime...

In his text, he mentioned having thoughts of me and how sorry he is for not coming through today. Something came up. I, in turn, told him he sucked and that I was having the worst day and I had been looking forward to seeing him but because of my state it was probably a bad idea to see him coz I was feelin so needy earlier. You see... A guilt trip and independent woman tip in one text! Hella smart! He replied with 'I'm sorry about that'... That's when I flipped... I flatly stated how I really dunno why he bothers coz he clearly don't care. That's when he asked what's wrong and I said I'm tired of feeling like I'm chasing (coz it ain't my steez) and I'm about ready to walk. He insisted that I stick around coz it will be worth the wait. I just gotta be patient with him coz he's just scared and stuff.

In my highly irrational and emotional state, all I thought was 'wank, wank'... What wack excuses and I told him, it's no reason to stay. He didn't reply. And I was left wondering if I still had a date to FOREPLAY'S premiere, the following night with Ne-yo's Mad in the background....

I slugged through my proposal and went to bed for a measly five hours of sleep, feeling hella accomplished in the career department but hella stoopid in the romance department....... My heart was hella sore but my head was hella content... Can't win them all...

Day 41-43: Detox gone wrong...

Last week, my rather ambitious plan to not curse, gossip or mock my fellow mignions backfired badly. Monday went really well but it was really just downhill from there.

On Monday I got away with a single swear word even though I had to deal with those over-bearing numbnuts from class, with all due respect. I still went home im a haze of good feelings. Clearly I was hardly concerned about mocking people coz I laid it out as nicely as I could put it for big eared Brandy who hardly ever has her hair up for those very reasons.... Something had to give I guess and she was the weakest link on Day One of Detox. She may have taken it in the friendly spirit that it was intended but really I may have taken it too far. Luckily we buddies! So not so bad...

Tuesday picked up from where the previous day had left off. I was in the zone until we had to do a recording. I had two whole lines but kept fluffing them. Which brought on some natural choice phrases which only served to increase my frustration. Hence more mistakes. And further cursing.... So Tuesday was a write-off...

Wednesday evoked some cursing of the good kind... Ecstasy has that effect so I couldn't feel bad... By then I had given up on a family friendly vocab week...

As far as gossiping goes... That's all people do... Talk about others... It's remarkable, just how much of that goes on. So my approach was to try not to comment on it or get involved. Just listen, I guess or walk away. I ain't tryna isolate myself which would be the quickest way to not gossip.

So I told my Sunday School kids that it's only gossip if you talk about somebody behind their backs. My ex, who I was helping with his MBA Accounting course, had this quote in mind. "small minds talk about people, medium/average minds talk about events, great minds talk about ideas...'
He figures that talking about ideas would revolve around what makes people act the very way that they do... Instead of discussing the very person that did said action. While the event discussion is just around what took place without focussing on the people that were part of said event. So I'ma share that with my kids.

Shorty and I were supposed to go to a play premiere on Saturday except it's actually on Tuesday. It wasn't until I double checked the invite that I clicked much to my annoyance. He took it well and even went as far as saying, we'll go on Tuesday... Speaking of Tuesday... My previous employer is keen for me to take up the Talent and Artist Rep position... Sorta like your AnR... The interview is on Tuesday and if I get it, it will mean better pay and connects and even travelling... Its all gravy but what about the internship... I'm keen to be on radio... Not to go back behind the scenes... Again I'm banking on faith... Crossroads... My ex's word of the week... Yet again, it's not my plan hey...

Day 40: Girl feelin boy...

It's not everyday that I feel like The Bachelorette.... Much of the time, my various unplanned engagements with unavailable men has left me feeling like the desperate-for-love/damsel-in-distress but hella fiesty type that realises too late that she can't play Miss Independent and be one of the hopelessly needy contestants that are fallin for The Bachelor . Sometimes it hits you in a rush... Sometimes in waves... Either way you will cry...

Now feelin like the Bachelorette, that feels hella better. Coz you are the wanted NOT the wantee. Be the flame NOT the moths. The only bummer is that you don't know what's true and what's not. Does mr X really dig me or is he merely digging the thought of a challenge?

So Shorty is back in the picture with more swag than I can handle while Lover and I have painstakingly decided to cut our losses. While Footsie-Footsie dude omitted to tell me about his girlfriend. So Friday movies ain't happening.
I'm still pretty excited about Shorty despite my dismissive attitude following his 'lack of interest'. In fact, I get some mild heart-burn when I'm around him. Which isn't necessarily S.T... More butterflies... The innocent type that makes it feel like your insides are floating. It's nice... For the lack of a better word. When I compare it to the way Lover makes me feel.... Now that's S.T... On another level... The butterflies are electrocuted by the sheer electric chemisty between us. So that's the difference. Honestly, the S.T seems to lack the longevity, not that I would wish a swift death on my feelings for Lover. Jus sayin though...

Day 37-39: Get up and Go!

There aren't many things in this world that are truly inspiring and motivating. As I get older, more cynical, jaded and hella clued up, I realise that it takes quite a bit to move me. Which sets the bar really high for the usual entertainment-worthy stuff like tv shows, movies, music and of cause the opposite sex. My family and church, on the other hand, manage to do so without much effort while the other catagories pretty much struggle to make me sit up and take notice.

Let's begin with the opposite sex. Because of a little thing called Oepidus Complex, any significant liasion has been at the hands of a chocolate-skinned, tallish, handsome nigga with an air of arrogance and smoker's breathe. He don't give a rat's ass and can articulate as much. Humorous and engaging. Great smile with awesome teeth. Good vibes. Brush cut. He also only really becomes emotional around me. And makes me feel like an eight year old girl, believes in me and makes me believe it. That's my DAD. Summed up.

That's a grand order for any man. Nevermind one that has spent much time in the sun. If he's lucky I'll settle but then I'll be out before the four months are through so settling really does nobody any favours. (four months = my longest relationship period).

Truth is I probably painted a madd idealic picture of The One (HE/SHE lies within by the way). But wait... there's more... He must be honest, ambitious, self-sufficient and most importantly, God-fearing. Spit facts, hustle, go after your dreams and have a lil faith... Faitha faitha faitha.... My list is not all that impossible coz I have met guys that fit most of the bill. Finding a cutie who checks out the whole list, now that's the tricky part. And chances are, he'll only live in my son for now. [speaking of offspring, my cousin gave birth over the week. Which probably explains the dream. Hopefully. Such a premonition would suck.]


Lover comes madd close, I must say. So close, I'm thinking how will I ever get over him? Especially after today. Thankfully, of late, everytime I meet a new guy, he is that much closer to what I'd like to see in my man. So I'm keen to see what the future holds in that department. Well not right now, in a few months time.

Day 31-36: Three's a crowd... Four's jus down right insane!

There are various ways to get over someone. And I think that in the past week I may have exhausted all avenues. Think of a TV game... Let's say Tekken 3... The only game, I've ever really enjoyed playing. Mostly coz I had the biggest crush on the karate kid with the thick red hair and killer abs. His name started with an H and he also rode a motorbike, decked out in tight near gay fitting leather... I know, it's strange, diggin on a computer generated being. But honestly, I hope there's a man out there that looks like that...even a slight resemblance would do. Ok I know... Not the point of this post but one more thing... Wasn't Eddy super suave with his smooth Brazilian ass kickin... Still attracted to his digital sex appeal... And then there's the female him with a slammin body and the hottest tits and naughty smile... Lol wow I'm like a step away from being a Pottin Trekie!

Back to my point... Think of a TV game... Actually Tekken was a bad example but you got to see my perverted side so not a complete waste of time. Think of Donkey Kong... You were steadedly making your way through the stages, with all three lives still in play, only to get to a part in the game with a tricky set up and you end up losing your lives in quick succession. GAME OVER! And no, you don't have a memory card. So you gotta start over.

Getting back to the premise, I figure I may have gone into overdrive too fast too soon in an attempt to purge myself of Lover, after Monday's flooding.

The plan for Tuesday, day 32, was to draw on the get-up-and-go attitude of early Monday morning, before being unceremoniously dumped. Of cos, this was bound to fail coz Lover was to stop by during the day. I was nervous and wondering anxiously if our spark still existed. I figured, if it was dead then I could move on quicker now that the tears have been taken care of. If the opposite was true, then I foresaw more tearful episodes in the future. Not a fan of the latter so with a heavy heart, I hoped for the former. And that's when I sub-consciously started building the walls. I couldn't even just talk to him like I used to. That sucked coz our connection is much more than a two week fling that died of cardiac arrest. So that hurt and without even realising it, I began to plaster the very walls I was building... He was high, tryna cope. I was fighting back tears, tryna perk up.

At the end of it, I handed over my gift- Estelle's Shine 'I SHINE, YOU SHINE, WE SHINE TOGETHER'... more like, 'I CRY, YOU CRY, WE CRY TOGETHER'....and hoped that it was over but not...

I know what I want but it's way too beautiful to be nurtured in a deceitful space and for that reason, the walls went up well into the end of the week. By Friday, I was focussing on work and trying not to think about him or talk about him or even communicate with him all as much in an feeble attempt to build that bridge and get over all of this. But most of all, I was and am determined not to cry. Coz I never wanna return to that place again. Like I told him and as dramatic as it sounds, I thought, I'd die from the heartache. Which is absurd but by day 34, the ultimate way to get over anyone, strolled through the door. Not even my type ie not tall dark and handsome but rather the opposite except for the handsome bit. And a lil chunky but also charming with the cutest smile. Clearly I was sold like any vulnerable person would be. So how many times must I meet somebody else whilst I'm still feeling somebody else. Isn't that merely a transfer of those feelings, from A onto B. Is that legit? Or is that a creative take on the Get-Out-of-Jail free card?

Well, long story short, light-skinned Shorty turned out to be an ass who doesn't look half as interested as im did on Friday or even in the weeks leading up to our official 'I DIGS YOU' talk. His sweet words were all for nought. I have also been flirting up a storm with another half-interested cutie or two so it serves me right. It would be too easy.

So I came clean with Lover about my sheer inability to continue being the other woman. He refuses to let go. Our breaking up on Monday pretty much didn't stick. The plan is to meet up soon. And I'ma stop ordering bags of cement. As for Shorty, he can kiss my sweet behind. And stay away from me coz I ain't tryna curse this week either. Should be hella interesting... I finally sent my demo to some people that work with corporate radio, voice-overs and such... And I'm hoping to start writing soon. I did the show all by myself on Saturday and was not too happy with it. Probably coz I'm hella worried about applying what I've learnt in lectures. Spinning head! RIGHT ROUND! Finally finished my first academic assignment, wish I hadn't spotted but alas... This week, we work hard and work at strengthening my arm. The sling will be coming off in about two weeks. Exciting.

Yesterday, I dreamt I was pregnant... I have a few theories about that... Will unpack those in the next post....

Day 30: And it and it begins...

He walks outside for a cigarette break/ And thinks how many cigarettes does it take/ He takes a long drag with the sun in his eye/ He squints, he thinks, he starts to sigh/ Sometimes he cry/ When he thinks about his girlfriend on his side/ She held it down/ She made him better/ Fought the love through fucked up weather/ And she thinking about her life/ With no more work, just being a wife/ But instead her love, she gave it to a man/ Who fought against her lovely plans/ So when she go to work plus go to school/ Plus fight the love, she must feel like a fool/ She want the ease to come after pain/ She fight for love, that's her campaign/ We fight, we love...
[Q-tip ft Raphael Saddiq... We Fight, We Love]

I may have been raring to go yesterday but after barely getting through the day... I'm deflated and emotionally exhausted... Pretty much the personification of a Blue Monday... [The same way, according to some guy on the radio, that Obama is the personification of globalisation because of his 360 degree view of the world ie not jus Europe inclined like his predecessor was... That's one helluva compliment... But I digress...]

I started off the day with a session with one the country's leading radio brains. Not only is Bob Mabena, four decades of prime rib experience, he is also hella easy on the eye. That never hurts. Although, his daughter is a mere three years younger than me... Hectic.

During the smoke break, I checked up on fb like any normal fb fundi would do. And to my suprise Lover had sent me a message, dripping with pain, sadness... expressing his guilt and tacit reluctance to continue creeping... My heart sank... The end is nigh I thought... So I called him... To get a clearer picture? Probably to put the nails in the coffin... He sounded the way I felt. The weight of the world on his shoulders. He'd seen his kid during the weekend and the episode had made him think hard about putting her in a broken home.

And of cos, I understood. Its logic and totally reasonable. That doesn't make it any less hurtful. If anything, I shouldn't be in this situation to begin with. But alas... Plus everything happens for a reason.... Right?! Please! That didn't stop the tears. And my day was screwed from that moment. A random chat with somebody, got the waterworks going. And I never cry in front of people. Especially in a work space. In fact at my last job, it took five months for my breakdown to occur. Four weeks is a personal record. On three different occasions during the afternoon, I bawled [twice in a toilet, the last one was just before I went home... That ugly sort of cry that makes it look like you got beat up and makes you sound like someone died...luckily I had a trucker hat on...]

So now I threw myself at God's mercy coz even though, I messed up... The cool thing about being in a bad place, you can only look up... Tough times draw you closer to God... So maybe that's the lesson... I dunno... I'm clutching at straws here... Once again, I've managed to hurt myself. With even more intensity than before. But I've also managed to feel more... So much... So good... And I wouldn't trade those moments for nothing... Maybe another time... Coz honestly, that affinity wouldn't allow me to pull away. And his sadness, our sadness confirms that...

But that's that. My footprint moment. This too shall pass. He'll carry me through... He always does.

Day 25-29: Birthdays, Misdemeanors and Falls.

Two words... FLAMIN' LAMBORGHINI! My Saturday was pretty much a blur because of a lil thing called alcohol... [insert 'Blame It on the a-a-a-al-alcohol' here!] and my crazy cousin, long lost cousin... Might I add.

We are so alike, it's insane. And yet because I've lived my life on this absurd tip, I ain't all that suprised to find someone like me who also happens to be family. It's all coming full circle.

As for my kryptonite or rather my krytonite-ee... [cue Mario] Because of his awesome-ness, day 26, my 23rd birthday was the best ever. Complete with some lesbo action, gay outbursts and of cos drunk managers... None of which I was privy to... Gotta love....

Funny story, I kept it together that night under his strict guidance. Meanwhile back in the real world my ex is flirting up a storm with every skirt on facebook. Yho! Nigga aint playin. I'm a lil annoyed but mostly infuriated with myself for not being able to be nonchalant about it. It's wack but I can't really get my back up about it cos we broke up. I still tuned him though. Much to his delight. Sargasmic! Actually come to think of it... He may actually be quite impressed with himself for managing to make me freak out. In fact, I have a feeling he planned it out that way... The apple doesn't fall far from the tree... And I mean that with so much love...

So now that I won't be seeing 'my lover' [chuckle chuckle] as often.... I'm excited at the prospect of getting back into FOCUS! It's been fun, it's been real but I gotta get back on track. And I'm super psyched to do so.... Is it weird to think that God planned it this way... So that I could relax a lil... Have some fun... Breathe and stop... [cue Q-tip...Lol...] Either way... I feel revitalised and ready to face my 23rd year on Earth...