Day 118-120: Finally....Radio Chapter I

**This is actually my blog from an internal site but I found it to be so spot on and a lil too honest that I just had to share it with you guys....

I've been meaning to blog about my on-air escapades for a minute... so lemme break it down a lil... It's been a week since my second attempt at GroundZero. For all intensive purposes, I killed it compared to my premiere show five days before that.




I figure that I let the hype get to me during the first show. In between the "oh my goshes" and "oh my goodneses", I pretty much failed to be the cool big sis that listeners would like to have. I was like a groupie. Dude!

Lesson learnt: Dude! just be you!

As Em would say ...

You better lose yourself in the music
The moment you own it you better never let it go, oh
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Cuz opportunity comes once in a lifetime, yo
You better lose yourself in the music
The moment you own it you better never let it go, oh
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Cuz opportunity comes once in a lifetime, yo
You better...

It's really that simple. But I let the enormity of the moment/opportunity get at me and rip at me and drag me through the mud!
Twas an eye-opener. As in it made me realise that my moment, the moment that I had been dreaming about since I was a kid, had finally come and because of nerves, I was about to fuck it up momentously. Dude! Don't joke! Say it ain't so! I couldn't believe that I almost let it slip through my fingers like that...

and even today I ain't all that pleased with my performance during the second show.

Another lesson learnt...

Our lectures in the run up to the on-air stuff were quite spot-on!
As soon as I calmed down on the OMGs, I picked up on "OKay" and added some "er's and "ums" for added crutchness!it's the oddest thing that once you lose one crutch, you are bound to pick up another one! Just like that! I never say OK but now it's like my new word! Dude! like how?!

Dude!
it's hella wack hey.
my technical has been ait. As in I haven't skipped any songs, involuntarily but I did manage to gate-crash the news with a jingle. And if that wasn't enough, I didn't put up the level after front-announcing AKA's "Mistake". How apt!

You may ask...
But KP did you do anything right?

Yeah... I had a coupla tricks up my sleeve... from my totally fake, fabricated, imaginary friend that "sucks cock" to deal with stress and feel like a "strong black woman"... I don't doubt that such a female exists but she certainly ain't one of my friends.
...to my future "blind-date" with a white boy. Well, that wasn't a complete lie. An fb friend did "offer" me his white friend... but he was not keen to set us up, well not directly, he sought to rather, organise a lil chill session at his spot and then have us meet... So a blind-date with a twist... started off the show on an inquisitive note... Nice...

My links coulda been tighter if I had stuck to my prep and timings and such... but I doubted it in the moment. Stooooooopid girl.

More good news...
I've learnt to prep my own ish!
I've found a system that doesn't allow me to forget to back-announce and most of all to ID the station and my pretty lil face!

Too dope!

Now, I'm constantly jotting down ideas for links... I literally keep my notebook and pen on me... it's exciting ad it's daunting at the same time because my respect for the profession has grown tremendously ie I now see it as a proper gig. Not a hobby to be shat on! but at the same time, I'm freaked out by the intensity and how it isn't some big party on air like I sorta unconsciously perceived it to be.

Which has of cos made that crazy, totally illogical Q pop into my head. Is this what I really want? Really? really?

Part of my every being screams YES but my fear, a deep seated, unjustified, totally self-involved phobia is raising doubt, within!

So a lot of thinking is taking place. And of cos, been sussing out the competition. Totally natural especially when your turn to be on air is taking its sweet time.

But also totally a waste of time because I really shouldn't be checking for the other academics coz I'm the only horse that I should be concerned about. I can't see these other niggas coz I got my eye on the prize!

And with two shows to go... I am dying to prove my mettle. So I plan to pull out al the stops for the next show. Really. Fiery blazin links! Short sweet n punchy!

Sot he cat's out the bag but that's the thing about radio, my execution ain't like no other. At least that's the plan. To make it memorable.

We got some good news yesterday...
Not only will we be participating in a massive clean up campaign in our own internship capacities (oh joy-lol ) but we will also be having our own liners recorded! Dude! can you say too dope! With the official voice of the station!

Songs I'm loving at the moment...
Pure Surprise- Lulo Cafe (yho...he is the hottest nigga in the hood! No kidding!)
And of cos... Hottest Nigga in the Hood- Red Cafe (see the link!!!) [still!!]
Who's Real-Jada ft Swizz
Deeper- Euphonik
Return the Favour- Keri Hilson ft Timbo
My Love- The Dream ft Mariah
Rockin that Shit (Remix) -The Dream and all them niggas... [still!!!]
Good Clothes-Lil Brother [still!! stuck on that beat!]


And a host of other hottttt house tracks that I can't remember... it happens... mind you... I have yet to sleep since 9pm last night!

Since I've been absolutely self-indulgent... I guess I can get away without blogging for the next month... truth be told... I've missed talking about my passion... so you must JBS (jusssss beeee strong)!

Besides with God by my side... I can't help but shine.. wherever that may be! Funny thing about the picture below, I was loking for a star and that jumped at me! How appropriate... That's how I know that The Script-writer is hard at work for lil ol me who deserves it the least... But would desire it regardless... pretty pretty please... I'm thinking he is liking the idea tooooo.. Well, I'ma keep the faith!

Day 108-111: Shut Up, Just Shut Up Shut Up...

Back in high school, I dated some triflin' niggas. Popular but hella dodge tertiary guys who would cheat on me. And my fellow female pupils would be more than happy to let me in on my boyfriends' indiscretions. Coz that's how real it would get in high school. Women-on-women violence. But they would be the first to hook up with him straight afterwards despite his shady track-record. Or worse still, these girls would knowingly hook up with dude even though they knew he was unavailable...

I wish I could take the moral high ground in comparison to my boyfriends. But nah... I was only slightly better because I kept my indiscretions a secret. I never got bust. So not only did their cheating give me a legit reason to get out of a disastrous pseudo-relationship that was only wasting my (air-)time, but it also made me look like the poor victim. Aargh shame for me. In my mind, it didn't really matter what the situation really was... as long as dude felt bad and I came out smelling like roses. There really was no reason for me to tell dude that while he was messing around, so was I... It's fine. Let him think he's a piece of shit cheat. No skin off my nose coz he been a piece of shit. I won't lie, I would get upset. Mostly out of embarrassment and humiliation. Egocentric B.S that would not let me help him downplay his guilt... In fact, let's not tarnish my good image... I figured it's always better to appear to be the victim instead of the wrong-doer. Nobody likes the wrong-doer... Plus, I couldn't begin to have dude look at me the same way that I looked at him... Yeah... Like a piece of shit cheat! Lol!

All these experiences taught me one thing. Don't ever be naive enough to think that whatever you're doing on the down-low is not being done by your significant other. That's how karma works ... So it's a big deal for me to be involved and not cheat. A sorta growth and maturity of sorts. But with so many opportunities to do so, I'm sure that Shorty is facing extensive temptation of his own on the daily... Now we don't all go through the same rite of passage, so goodness knows if he been resisting.

Hence my sheer reluctance to trust a nigga. Even the one I'm seeing. Especially when he keeps fueling my paranoia... On Friday, he ignored my calls and texts. The following morning, he tried to feed me some cock-n-bull story about his phone dying. Like honestly. I was not having it. I hate being lied to but what I hate more is an apology that is accompanied by a lie. Yho! That grates my tits. What's also bad is how I've told him before if something is going on- tell me. Don't make me wait like a crazy person. Or worse- don't fuck up and think you can fix it in the morning!?

So you think I'm gullible and stoopid?! Fine. Then leave me alone in my gullibility n stoopidity coz I really ain't gotta deal with this shit.

I wonder will Shorty n I ever go a mere seven days without fighting? It's becoming such a drag. I hate repeating myself to a grown man as though I'm involved in dog-training. Oh hell no! I really dunno what can fix this but my head ain't over there right now. I gots a show in the early hours of Monday morning. Another reason why I'm so annoyed. This nigga is fucking with my focus... I should just knock him out like Charles Hamilton. His inconsideration shows jus how self-involved he is. Like dude... The world does not revolve around you! And maybe that's been my fault... You write a coupla posts about dude, he begins to feel and act as though he rules your world. F-off!

Well, I'm obviously peeved. But like I been saying, anger ain't a real emotion. I'm hella disappointed and disheartened. And I hate to say it, especially after the other day... A part of me has to laugh at that though... How fuckin unoriginal... A nigga trippin afterwards... Well that's what you get huh... Oh well... Dirt off my shoulder!

As much as I mean that... I realise that this is merely the price of caring for somebody. You become vulnerable to being hurt. Like I just heard on Grey's... Making friends makes for another loss along the way...

On to something a lil more constructive... I'm beginning to feel those nerves again, even though my show is like twelve hours away. I so need to bring it this time... Here's to some good post-show news!

Day 104-107: Kingdom Come...

A dramatic build up often concludes in an equally undramatic anti-climax! You'll walk away and be on some... That's it?! Really now? Really?! No... Seriously!

Today was a day of firsts... Let's start with my first time hosting the 4AM-5AM slot. Dude! I really thought I would be less nervous which in turn turned out to be my biggest challenge (please note that I didn't say 'difficulty'. I picked that up from a guest lecturer, the other day. It's a mere obstacle... A lil hill...) was my anxiety. Self-inflicted n absolutely self-indulgent... It appears that in those moments, I forgot the teachings from A New Earth and Dr Gary Zukav... Nerves amount to selfish energy because it makes the situation only about you. It's not only about me but also the people listening and being subjected to poor radio because I'm way too self-involved to step out of MY anxiety to give them a decent show... Now I'm feeling like even though I get the above, I've gone from selfish to self-pity... Well, either way, there's no room for egoism! Just Do It!

And that's exactly what I plan on doing on Monday morning when we do it again. Keep it simple and short but pacy n punchy... Like a manly Ryan Seacrest... I wanna say risque stuff and have listeners latching on to my every word. Did I manage that despite my stage fright? I think I did what I could, considering the situation... It's not everyone that can talk about their 'friend' who sucks dick in order to deal with stress... And it's not many people that can be open about their less-than-cool approach.

Another first occurred after the show. Shorty n I hung out at his crib. Not only were we completely alone for the very first time, but we also had some privacy outside the confines of a car or even a corridor or a movie theatre or food outlet or event... Twas crazy surreal for him for me to be in his space... For me, it was the perfect escape from the memory of a not-so-perfect radio show.

I dunno if it was too soon but I knew that we would some time. And that day came... What's meant to be will be... What's meant to happen, did!

So now that we have that out of the way... Let's double up... Lol... Now the trick will be to figure if we gonna stay together despite those typical doubtful feelings that come with the-morning-after-the-night-before...
We actually spoke about it a lil... And it was a lil reminiscent ot the the first time we kissed. When that finally happened, I sorta wished that we had waited because as much as I wanted to do it, I really missed the feeling of anticipation from those previous three weeks.

But isn't that always the case. Feeling as though you shouldn't have done what you did. But you had to do it to prove a point... Whether to cement your feelings or to cultivate further feelings... it's how society has shaped intimacy. You can't claim to be seeing/feeling somebody and you guys don't kiss or beyond. I mean what would set you apart from the next pair of friends if you guys, as a couple, aren't acting on the feelings of lust?

So what makes a relationship? According to FFB, without fucking there is no relationship therefore you might as well be close friends. He rates it solidifies things. I dunno if I concur... I'm pretty sure me and Shorty are more than "close friends" but I dunno how I know... I guess I trust that he ain't sharing the same thoughts with other women. Lol! So now he can't have a female BFF?
[Enter Alicia Keys with 'Grlfriend'... I think I'm jealous of your girl friend...]
If you have somebody that you constantly spend time with but there's no shagging then you guys are either BFFs or BF and GF. What sets that apart????


So I looked up the definition of RELATIONSHIP...

–noun 1. a connection, association, or involvement.
2. connection between persons by blood or marriage.
3. an emotional or other connection between people: the relationship between teachers and students.
4. a sexual involvement; affair.

Clearly the above didn't help...
So I looked it up in the Thesauraus...
And the following jumped at me...

connection, friendship, affinity, bond, hookup...

An affinity... that zing that draws you and keeps you close to another person. Those butterflies that a simple BFF can't make you feel. That's what makes a relationship. Those strong, amorous feelings for another person that are often translated into the physical but don't exist because of the physical!

Ah Ha moment of note!

I'm considering calming down on the intimacy aspect until Shorty is comfortable. I don't want him doing stuff... hell... I don't wanna be doing stuff coz that's what's expected. We should be doing stuff coz that's what we wanna do...

Day 93-104: Magic Moments Part I

Paulo Coelho once wrote of magic moments in his highly acclaimed novel, Down By The River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept. It's a heavy love story focussing on a young woman's quest for self discovery and more specifically love. He described a magic moment as that moment when a YES or NO changes your life forever. I feel like these 180 DAYS have been a series of magic moments in themselves. Which is bad and good. Good because everyday is one hella surprise after another. I can't say that I'm bored at all. But I also can't say that I know what's really going on even on the basics front. It's almost like having sex with a blindfold on. It's cool for a bit but after a while, you just wanna know what's going on... or maybe I'm just one hella control freak! Relaxa tu! But I guess that's what life really is. a series of decisions that ultimate contribute to the Butterfly Effect whether you'd like to believe in the weight that a seemingly insignificant action may carry.

Everytime I meet somebody new and we discuss some business ventures and something comes out of it... Everytime, some nigga hollers at me and I actually don't walk away and he turns out to be another soulmate (Yes, I believe in more than one)...
Facebook/MySpace and other social networking sites have been the catalyst of several magic moments. I've (re)connected with fam and even come across some dope people. But has my life been changed? as in really altered? Or just been made more interesting?

I rate that you'll never really know the true extent of your actions. However, what I do know for sure is that the Butterfly effect exists. Everything, no matter how small, happens for a reasons so yes. Everything is connected. Everything is everything. That's what Ms Hill meant.

But for me the true magic moment, as in how I interpreted it as per the novel, occurred in the run up to my exam last Monday. For the past six years, I have been trying to finish up my BCOM: Accounting degree. The first two years were smooth sailing until my final year when I crashed and burned towards the finishing line in respect of the Tax and Financial Management modules. The following year, 2007, I bagged the Tax but the Financial Management proved to be a harder pill to swallow. I just couldn't or wouldn't understand. Last year, I decided to try finish within a semester via Unisa. I managed to two out of three of their Financial Management equivalent. I wrote a supplementary exam in October which also went badly. So badly, I had to re-apply. No supp, this time. I figure, I had trouble balancing my job and studies. Plus when you are so used to not understanding particular work, in this instance, Valuations, you're already defeated before you start. Well you feel that way and that self-fulfilling profesy comes to show.

This year, I again took up the Financial Management yolk. Partly determined to get it right this time. Partly certain that I don't really have the type of brain that grasps the curriculum therefore I should perhaps consider approaching the powers that be with the results of an aptitude test that proves that I have trouble getting my head around analytical type problems and maybe they will just give me a damn degree out of sheer pity and for my half-hearted peserverence and innovation. I don't think I could pull out the race card for this one!? ... But worse, I was considering giving up, basically at the end of the race which amounts to not having bothered to try in the first place. With the pressure that my mom was putting on me and the prospect of a life continually on the hustle sans the financial cushioning that comes with a cushy Chartered Accountant gig, I been freaking out! And that's why I been studying since February. I even handed in both my assignments which turned out to be well done. Ain't nothing like fear to motivate you.

Last Monday was a culmination of my efforts. I spent the weekend, studying. I mucked about only on Saturday but I was sooooo focussed that I told Shorty that we couldn't hang. SHOCKING, I know. Don't even begin to think things went smoothly. They don't ever. That would be too easy... Especially where that nigga is concerned...

Day 50: Suprise Surprise...

Cause everybody knows/ That nobody really knows/ How to make it work/ Or how to ease the hurt/ We've heard it all before/ That everybody knows/ How to make it work/ I wish we gave it one more try...

I was hoping that today's blog wouldn't even sniff at Shorty. But alas... Bear with me though. This won't be as long-winded coz I'm just so deflated... Shorty suprised me by 'bumping' into me today... Even 'Alicia Keys' said we suit eachother... That was the good part... My guy friend, whom Miss Thang confided in, is convinced that I'm being played. Not-so-good part! Well, he may have the most complicated love-life, next to mine but I still respect his opinion. I'm well aware just how illogical and irrational emotions can make one, no matter how much one trusts What's-His-Face. My buddy figures that 'There's no smoke without fire!'.... After spending fifty days in the cut-throat setting of Northern Joburg, I know that not everyone is normal. They lie, cheat, steal, screw around to get their way. I also know that you can't trust anybody. Even if that somebody is highly convincing, complete with heavy emotion and threatening remarks. Everyone's on Broadway! Shorty once said he doesn't wanna confront Miss Thang coz it'll turn ugly (like her... Lol). She apparently declared that I better leave her man alone or else... 'Oh, you jus mad coz I'm stylin' on ya!...'

This all makes me think of MacBeth and how ambition turned him into a murderous monster... Is it worth it? I mean, is it worth it to bear the brunt of somebody's determination... Shouldn't I just step out the way?

Back to my point.... There's no smoke without fire? Or is there? Shorty may claim to be the victim of defamation and goodness knows that I would love to believe that with all my heart... But if he is being honest then naturally or even far-fetchedly so, it follows that Jacob Zuma really could be the victim of a heavy conspiracy...? An underground movement that is keen to see him go down. He may not have done anything, even remotely wrong. He may just have gotten in the way of a hectically motivated individual... Can life be that bizarre? Or are the facts that simple... And the truth hardly complicated... Short of calling on a Sherlock Holmes and flipping through some phone records or even Shorty's phone, I have no way of proving anything without becoming psycho myself... I only have my gut feel... Is it worth it to deal with so much drama? Juliette got herself killed coz of it...

Good dude/ Bad night/ Right place/ Wrong time/ In the blink of an eye/ His whole life changed/ If you could feel how my face felt/ You'd know how Mase felt/ Thank God, I ain't too cool for the safe belt...

Last year, Paul cheated, towards the end of our first month together. He kept it up for a few weeks. I only found out a month later. My gut failed me. Atleast that's how I felt. Cheated. Absolutely swindled. Fooled. Stoopid. Hella betrayed. All that security and validation that a woman works so hard to achieve within a relationship, all shattered. Broken as though it never ever existed. As though I had imagined it all. And in many ways, I had. It was all in my inflated head. Hubristic [New word from Grey's lol] coz I thought he was so whipped. I wasn't bothered into paying any real attention to our relationship. I didn't have to work at it much coz I felt that he couldn't be anymore impressed with my persona. Pride comes before a fall hey... Besides I was way too caught up in my job. My relationship amounted to rent-a-friend. Someone that's there to fill up the moments when you aren't working, sleeping, eating, washing up, reading... So maybe my gut didn't fail me. Maybe there was no smoke but a massive fire that I was too self-involved too notice...

I dunno... I really don't coz when I was in it, I really did feel like an active (ok maybe only 60% active) part of the relationship. Because of that balls-up, I'm a lil more cautious... I'm scared that this time, my gut may 'fail' me again. I may be so into this guy that I wouldn't recognise Deception even if he came up and dislocated my other shoulder...

Aaaaaargh! So now what?

No answers there. Footsie-Footsie Boy got a new ride and he's keen to do movies this Thursday... Complete with a ride home... Full steam ahead... I'm hella chaffed, dunno if I'll do it though... My ex has also been 'checkin on me'... Dunno hey... Moved on and moved up... Lol... My long-lost-love-from-another-life-time, Bots-Boy, who I have yet to meet, f-b'd and it turns out that he's been reading my blog... He and other folks too... I know I wrote this so that y'all could read it but really, I'm hella freaked by all the people that do take the time to read this soap-opera. Dankie baie!

I really wish work was more interesting, at the moment so that I could stop writing about men... It makes me feel so flat to be gaaning aan about one and the same subject! But it is what it is/ And the way it is/ Is kinda fucked up!