When I'm nervous, I bite my nails. As I type this, my left thumb nail is in my mouth, scrapping up against one of my top front-teeth. The only reason why I have yet to nibble through it, is simple really. I hate, absolutely despise, the way my fingers look once I've demolished my nails. So I'd rather not. Even though I have every reason to...
This week has possibly been the best and worst week all wrapped in one... Tuesday was good as I got my drivers license... Finally. Truth is I've lost count as to how many times I've had to take a driving test. Think I lost count at five. And in all honesty, I'd rather not recount all those failed attempts. Getting my drivers was like getting my degree. Unbelievable freedom! Feel like I'm growing up... FAST!
Anybody that has conscious been through growing-pains knows that they are almost never pleasant. And in order for the good to feel half as awesome then you gotta have some bad times to supplement that. And boy did I get my fair share of shit this week. Let me indulge in some self-pity for a sec...
On my return from my one-day leave on Wednesday, I drove to work and got stuck in the worst kinda Pretoria-Joburg traffic. The kind that makes you wish so desperately that you lived in Joburg. Goodness knows, I've been looking for accomodation near work and now that I can drive my car legally, I can widen my geographical search for a Jozi home.
Well, all this home-hunting has to take place in between work. Now before I could get carried away, I was unfortunately stuck in traffic.So I wasn't gonna go far for a while. If anything, I was only succeeding in annoying my superior. Well, to be honest, she was annoying me with nonsensical emails about my tardiness (complete with my boss copied). So rich coming from the queen of african time!
However, that's no excuse for being late. I accept that. But bitchy emails do nothing to ease the congestion on the N1 North highway. Don't even get me started on my frustration. Unless I can learn how to drive like a taxi-driver, there's no way, I can get to work on time and avoid the clogging up of my inbox... So until I've moved to Jozi, I don't think that I'll be on time for work anytime in the near future especially with the never-ending rainy weather and continuous construction on the road. She'll jussss have to be strong!
Still on the subject of exasperating motha-truckers... Oh my gosh... Traffic is bitch. Bumper-to-bumper aint no joke. It's hella tiring. After all that driving, I wanna get to work and have a power nap! I need a place fast!
Meanwhile, the adventures of Kp and Cutie are feeling more and more like the five stages of grief. And I may have mentioned this before but it feels like we're about to reach a climax... I caught the season premiere of Grey's Anatomy today. And everybody was beat up over George's death. Meredith, the narrator, spoke of Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and finally Acceptance...
After hanging out with Cutie on Friday, I felt the way I usually felt after a typical night out with him. I felt more in love (can't believe that's still possible). I felt closer to him. I felt more heart-break at having to part ways. An overwhelming sadness...
As the five stages of grief we're discussed on Grey's, I automatically equated their loss of George, to mine. The loss of us, of Cutie. I've often thought that the only way to really get past this is to deal with it like death. Coz death leaves you with no options. Eventually, you must accept and carry on.
With a(n amicable) break-up, you may circle around various stages of grief, before you actually suck it up and get over it. How many times have I been in denial? Explaining and excusing his behaviour even when he was hella deceitful. Here I am, loving him more that ever. I've also been angry more times than I care to remember. But I don't believe in anger so more accurately, it was how I dealt with feelings of rejection, being ashamed and feeling like I'm not good enough. I lashed out... And once I had calmed down, I began to bargain it out in my head. The feelings of wanting him near, would not go away so instead of dealing with it, I excused it all and figured that it wouldn't be that bad to hang out and lo and behold, like clockwork, we always picked up where we left off... And now that he's determined to take on 2010, without me by his side, in the quest to be "the man that I deserve"... He's left me so sad. It reminds me of when I was 17 and I was crazy about this guy that had a girl. He cheated with me and within weeks, deserted me. By that time, I was hooked. And I cried for months, way into my first year of varsity...
This Cutie Depression brings good news and bad news. Now that I'm at this stage, I'm clearly or theoretically getting closer to accepting the situation. On the other hand, there could be months of tears ahead especially if the past few months are anything to go by! Either way, I wish 2010 would fly by...
Showing posts with label bargaining. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bargaining. Show all posts
Sunday, 24 January 2010
Sunday, 15 November 2009
Day what???
***I don't even know which day we on anymore but I have finally blogged... will try again tomorrow... I think if I keep it shorter... I'll get more out... coz there'll be no pressure to be comprehensive... hopefully it makes sense....***
It's been a crazy few weeks... I mean when is it not?! So I've gone through a range of emotion. From humiliation to disgust to hate to sheer depression... I would say anger but we all know that's not a real emotion... I couldn't have hated Cutie even if I wanted to. Even after all this time. Goodness knows that he's rejected me enough times to warrant some sort of dislike. But I couldn't even manage that. Well, not in the sense that made me love him any less or care any less. Instead I'd have moments when I'd wish that I'd never met him. Coz the "outta sight outta mind" concept was not working out so well.
So I took to forgetting the way any other nigga would. No, not narcotics. Or even alcohol. And food really don't work for me when I'm sad. And I can only have so much chocolate. My drug of choice is male affection and attention. So I started dating some other niggas who were willing, very willing... Desperately willing, to provide everything that Cutie was failing to. I jumped at the opportunity. Dude... And it was a complete bonus that he got jealous and all weird about my swift method of moving on. As Miss Jackson would say
A part of me will admit that my heart was hoping for that sorta reaction but in my head it made no difference. There was no way that I could ever be with him again, after he had betrayed my trust like that. No matter how he explained it or how much I hoped, truth is his ex girlfriend had been apart of our pseudo-relationship since the very beginning... So what do we have, really?! What I thought we had was broken into a million lil pieces and seriously how can you even begin to fix what never existed. And that trust and friendship on which I so heavily depended upon turned out to be no friendship at all... Because of zero honesty... Dude! I couldn't even look at him coz in my mind, he was no friend of mind.
And yet my heart continued to feel for him and I wondered if I couldn't just work around this. Still be his friend even though he made for a shitty one... But we all know my heart was just seeking out a way to make him see the light.... Which is "I can be your friend and your lover... The best you've ever had"... That reverse-psychology bullshit. This made me feel sadder. Like seriously. The guy has been lying to you forever and yet you still wanna be there.... Clearly I was going through my own haphazard DABDA!
Plently DENIAL... the concept of not being good enough manifesting itself as ANGER.... We also tried some BARGAINING much to my annoyance... Just coz I didn't wanna lose him and I desperately wanted this to work coz starting again with somebody else didn't appeal to me if anything, it exhausted me. Made me never wanna fall again coz it's just way to painful. But didn't I deserve better... And you only get better once you've put in the effort... As my mom likes to say... Good things come to those who wait...
I then went through a stage when I was hella sad... Guess you could call it mild DEPRESSION... Ironically enough, I would plummet into the depths of it when I was with another dude... When these new dudes would kiss me... I would automatically pretend they were Cutie just so I could get through it.... But it was not the same. It was not him. No matter how how hard I tried or how hard I wished. It was still some random. Or worse, some sexual hit. Made me feel cheap with my emotions and mostly made me feel like a user. Like two wrongs don't make a right so karma is sure to make me pay.
Hence this final stage of ACCEPTANCE. I'm still in love with him. And kissing him the other night, after all these months, confirmed that. Coz this time, when we kissed, I wasn't picturing anybody else. It was where I've wanted to be. And here I was... Yay! This also means accepting that I can't make out with random niggas to forget him or to numb my hurt, my pain, my frustration... I have to deal with it.... Either be with it or get over huh... Either way, I'm required to do it without hurting somebody else plus it don't feel as good. It never will. And I'll keep looking for the high by doing more and more hectic things when really, he's the only one that can fill me up with what I'm really craving. Him. 
Whether we hook up or not, the truth has made me be okay with needing him and not being over it. What's meant to be will be so I gotta jus stop fighting love... And jus be.
It's been a crazy few weeks... I mean when is it not?! So I've gone through a range of emotion. From humiliation to disgust to hate to sheer depression... I would say anger but we all know that's not a real emotion... I couldn't have hated Cutie even if I wanted to. Even after all this time. Goodness knows that he's rejected me enough times to warrant some sort of dislike. But I couldn't even manage that. Well, not in the sense that made me love him any less or care any less. Instead I'd have moments when I'd wish that I'd never met him. Coz the "outta sight outta mind" concept was not working out so well.
So I took to forgetting the way any other nigga would. No, not narcotics. Or even alcohol. And food really don't work for me when I'm sad. And I can only have so much chocolate. My drug of choice is male affection and attention. So I started dating some other niggas who were willing, very willing... Desperately willing, to provide everything that Cutie was failing to. I jumped at the opportunity. Dude... And it was a complete bonus that he got jealous and all weird about my swift method of moving on. As Miss Jackson would say
"You dunno watchu got til it's gone..."
A part of me will admit that my heart was hoping for that sorta reaction but in my head it made no difference. There was no way that I could ever be with him again, after he had betrayed my trust like that. No matter how he explained it or how much I hoped, truth is his ex girlfriend had been apart of our pseudo-relationship since the very beginning... So what do we have, really?! What I thought we had was broken into a million lil pieces and seriously how can you even begin to fix what never existed. And that trust and friendship on which I so heavily depended upon turned out to be no friendship at all... Because of zero honesty... Dude! I couldn't even look at him coz in my mind, he was no friend of mind.
And yet my heart continued to feel for him and I wondered if I couldn't just work around this. Still be his friend even though he made for a shitty one... But we all know my heart was just seeking out a way to make him see the light.... Which is "I can be your friend and your lover... The best you've ever had"... That reverse-psychology bullshit. This made me feel sadder. Like seriously. The guy has been lying to you forever and yet you still wanna be there.... Clearly I was going through my own haphazard DABDA!
Plently DENIAL... the concept of not being good enough manifesting itself as ANGER.... We also tried some BARGAINING much to my annoyance... Just coz I didn't wanna lose him and I desperately wanted this to work coz starting again with somebody else didn't appeal to me if anything, it exhausted me. Made me never wanna fall again coz it's just way to painful. But didn't I deserve better... And you only get better once you've put in the effort... As my mom likes to say... Good things come to those who wait... 
I then went through a stage when I was hella sad... Guess you could call it mild DEPRESSION... Ironically enough, I would plummet into the depths of it when I was with another dude... When these new dudes would kiss me... I would automatically pretend they were Cutie just so I could get through it.... But it was not the same. It was not him. No matter how how hard I tried or how hard I wished. It was still some random. Or worse, some sexual hit. Made me feel cheap with my emotions and mostly made me feel like a user. Like two wrongs don't make a right so karma is sure to make me pay. 
Hence this final stage of ACCEPTANCE. I'm still in love with him. And kissing him the other night, after all these months, confirmed that. Coz this time, when we kissed, I wasn't picturing anybody else. It was where I've wanted to be. And here I was... Yay! This also means accepting that I can't make out with random niggas to forget him or to numb my hurt, my pain, my frustration... I have to deal with it.... Either be with it or get over huh... Either way, I'm required to do it without hurting somebody else plus it don't feel as good. It never will. And I'll keep looking for the high by doing more and more hectic things when really, he's the only one that can fill me up with what I'm really craving. Him. 
Whether we hook up or not, the truth has made me be okay with needing him and not being over it. What's meant to be will be so I gotta jus stop fighting love... And jus be.
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