Day 231-237 [Day 3/90]: When one door closes...

On Thursday, Cutie and I finally closed the door on us. I pleaded my case for the last time and he explained for the last time. I cried for the last time. And he held me for the last time. Twas hella painful and I wondered how I would get through a whole day of work on Friday. I hardly managed all morning. Calmed down into the afternoon and was all perked up by the evening, looking forward to dancing off all the bad vibes. I got my face made up and headed downtown, hoping for a slight case of amnesia.

I figured with some liquid courage and professional make-up, I could do like the alchies and

fake it til (I) make it

I put my hurt on the back burner and for the first hour I danced as though my life depended on it... Fortunately I got to a point where I didn't have to pretend anymore coz the DJ started playing some decent music. And then when it was time to leave.. I was keen to stay but P was keen to bounce so we did but if I could, I would have delayed the whole thing. Coz I was not keen to got to the neighbouring club and deal with ego-trippin' shlebs...

We swindle our way into the VIP coz we hadn't really planned on being there. And all the people I'd rather not see were in there. Naturally. Thank goodness for the open bar. Now that made me smile. I was also keen to head to the main section of the venue with the regular folk so that my interrupted freestyle choreography could resume... coz I was sure that I was not about to meet a new dude... I might score a make-out session but really meet a good man... hadn't even occurred to me, not in my frame of mind. In fact when I bumped into Shorty... I started to think okay cool.. .I ain't gotta deal with a new nigga, just deal with the one that fkd up before. No expectations there.

But lo and behold- his friend started hollering at me. And I'm looking at this dude like...excuse me homie but do I know you? But this nigga did not let up. And I ended up spending the next three to four hours with him. Talking n stuff... Yeah that other stuff too. But the crazy bit is that he kept saying he knows who I am but I had no freakin clue. In fact, everybody knew who the hell he was but me! I must have gotten like five thousand different description of what he does... the most accurate being that he is a SOCIALITE!? lol! ait so before I know it... I'm feelin' this dude... and I even start to think that maybe gettin' to know him wouldn't be sucha bad idea... but then I started thinkin' wtf.. I just parted ways with the guy who was supposedly the man of my dreams... moving on so quickly? is that right? shouldn't I get used to being alone first so that I don't go into this with madd issues?

anyway..excuse me for getting ahead of myself... but this nigga was already asking me out on this very night! Twas hard not to get carried away... He was like we should be together and date and stuff coz he wants to be my man! Woah! Nigga! slow yo roll! I don't even know who you are... but I'll admit I'm keen to find out... coz he was able to do the impossible... get me out of a ditch! I had fun..lots of it... and Cutie wasn't even a factor.. how's that for interesting?

Question is..is this for real? or some sort of crazy punk'd scene? it seems way to easy and I know that heartbreak is never this easy... so now what...
well, let's give this dude a pseudonym for starters.. how about 'Perkie'? Coz he managed to perk me up..plus he's perked up...if you catch my drift....

Actually... let's call him 'Chocolate' coz he has this awesome, glowing brown skin that I'm a complete sucker for.. plus I'm feeling some heartburn... it makes me forget his gold cap for a second. Yeah, I forgot to mention that...and hopefully he'll get rid of it... jus in case things get serious.. so there you go... I've met somebody..;lready.. and I'm tryin not to like him but there's huge potential (for the biggest distraction [n more])coz he's dope. But before we get ahead of ourselves..let's see what the new week brings... after a our text chat last night... during which I passed out.. mm... I know..not very nice of me...

Also had to deal with Shorty hollerin' at me when he could see that Chocolate was tryna holla! How wack! And I had no clue how to deal with it coz Shorty n I have a past and I can't be rude to him coz I just met a random dude. Twas super wierd and conflicting so even though I could see that Shorty was jus tryna cock-block his buddy out of sheer pretence not interest (he even called the following night to check if I got home all right- dodgy mothatrucka that one and I told him as much! And of cos he pleaded ignorance! Nigga please! Nobody lookin for a KanYe interuption here!), I didn't know how to deal with it coz I had no clue how to include Chocolate in the conversation which was totally irrelevant to him. At least I figured as much coz I dunno what this nigga does!

So the following day, I had to call n apologise coz truth is, as he kindly pointed out, if the roles had been reversed ie he had been ignoring me in front of his ex-flame.. I woulda flipped. He forgave me and later on, last night...he texted me and told me how much he missed me... I had passed out on the couch so I had to apologise for the delay and let him know that he had been on my mind for much of the day... coz of Jill Scott's sweet words... four minutes later, he asked which song (Not That Crazy).. by that time... I had passed out.. After church...I tried to explain to a nigga that I failed to reply timeously coz of my chronic exhaustion... he has yet to reply. I think we may be facing a subtle pay-back...

Regardless...I've decided to now extended this blog to the whole year... in fact let's break down the countdowns to mini-countdowns that include what's happening in my life. If Choc n I really do happen to make it work ie get over my excessive apologies... I am gonna go about this properly. I will follow Steve Harvey's rules, including the 90 DAY rule. And I will leave if I start hearing some dodgy things. This time, there is no room for funny behaviour coz I am wide awake from the get go.

If nigga doesn't holla back by the end of the day.. I will take that as a big fat hint! And we won't need the 90 day clock anymore. Plus that will probably kill the plans we made for Friday.. yeah..yesterday already, Nigga was on some, watchu doing on Friday... very cute....I was like I dunno..it's SATURDAY so he insisted that we stay in touch despite my 'working 24 hours a day'..that's what he calls it... it may as well be exactly that!

Day 112-117: Seven Days Was A Long Shot!

In a day, God created man. And when the sun set that evening, he looked at Adam and said, 'Hotdam I'm rock long time...' and then he went drinking at the Eden river, with the angels, to celebrate...
It's taken double that time for me and Shorty to restart fighting after just making up. Ya neh. We couldn't even go the seven that I spoke of in my last post. There's really no point in getting into why we are fighting now [but for completeness sake, here's the jist- we were supposed to go out to some birthday gig on Thursday night and he took a unilateral decision to cancel our plans. Something about being tired and under-dressed. I was not impressed. I flipped at him for being a fader. He claimed we could do it on Friday. Nothing happened Friday. Instead he was out with his mates. Which was all apparently unplanned. I just keep thinking I'm way to pretty to be dealing with such non-issues. Plently guys wanna spend time with me. Why am I still here? For what!? When it really appears as though, I ain't wanted.] I'm just sick of it. It's like the bad is superceding the good. It's so bad, I'm thinking of drawing up a list. Either of Pro's n Con's or of things that he does that I absolutely despise. He can also draw up the latter with regards to me and if we gonna work at this, those lists must be adhered to, otherwise it's an indication of disrespect and sheer carelessness. Which speaks volumes.

I used to date guys that I fought with all the time, thinking that it adds passion to the relationship. And then I dated a nigga that I hardly ever fought with and guess what- I enjoyed that so much more. The laughing and smiling and talking really beats arguing and crying and bitching. So I can't understand how I landed up here and how come I've been at it for almost as long as my longest relationship ever [four months]?!

But everytime I think of walking away, the heartburn hits my chest. And honestly, he does he quite an effect on my mood especially when things are cool and we're talking. I jus wish we could get along for more than three days out of the week.

I was so embarrassed when my mother asked me what he thought of my Monday show. I had to meekly tell her that I hadn't received any feedback from him. Even she raised her eyebrows even though she doesn't know that we are dating. But she knows that we're friends and that I'm hella supportive of his hustle. So in her head, it made no sense as to why he is seemingly not showing luv back. Luckily she spared me any further humiliation by letting that question hang in the air. Awkward!

Saturday night/the early hours of Sunday morning, I tried to talk to him about this kak. And I swear if he hadn't claimed to be too tired to get into it, I probably would've broken up with him right then and there. Coz something don't feel right. That feeling I had at the beginning of this, has returned and it's actually suffocating me. Rather annoying. Two options: stick it out like last time til it subsides or walk away from these weird feelings. Fuck it's weird. It feels like he's hiding something...

True to his conceited self, he insisted on discussing this issue from the other night, later today. Fine. It's not like it's going anywhere. We'll discuss it eventually and if it's over- let it be.

I could use some fresh material for my blog, as it is.

As for my show on Monday. I felt that it went well. So well that I walked away thinking that some of the proper DJs best be scared.... Coz I'm coming after their gigs! Unfortunately it will be a while til my next shot at presenting. Try 10 June. Dis ver! I was hoping we would have gotten an updated schedule by now, with all the non-presenters, having opened up more slots for the rest of us that want to do it.

But life ain't ever sucha breeze. Been working on scripts for a certain production from my former employer. Who woulda thought... 53 episodes by four links each. Hectic. But coming along nicely. Very exciting. Challenging. And learn-as-you-go. Very stimulating and keeps my mind off this rather immature love-life stuff. I won't lie. I'm expecting the worst.

Day 104-107: Kingdom Come...

A dramatic build up often concludes in an equally undramatic anti-climax! You'll walk away and be on some... That's it?! Really now? Really?! No... Seriously!

Today was a day of firsts... Let's start with my first time hosting the 4AM-5AM slot. Dude! I really thought I would be less nervous which in turn turned out to be my biggest challenge (please note that I didn't say 'difficulty'. I picked that up from a guest lecturer, the other day. It's a mere obstacle... A lil hill...) was my anxiety. Self-inflicted n absolutely self-indulgent... It appears that in those moments, I forgot the teachings from A New Earth and Dr Gary Zukav... Nerves amount to selfish energy because it makes the situation only about you. It's not only about me but also the people listening and being subjected to poor radio because I'm way too self-involved to step out of MY anxiety to give them a decent show... Now I'm feeling like even though I get the above, I've gone from selfish to self-pity... Well, either way, there's no room for egoism! Just Do It!

And that's exactly what I plan on doing on Monday morning when we do it again. Keep it simple and short but pacy n punchy... Like a manly Ryan Seacrest... I wanna say risque stuff and have listeners latching on to my every word. Did I manage that despite my stage fright? I think I did what I could, considering the situation... It's not everyone that can talk about their 'friend' who sucks dick in order to deal with stress... And it's not many people that can be open about their less-than-cool approach.

Another first occurred after the show. Shorty n I hung out at his crib. Not only were we completely alone for the very first time, but we also had some privacy outside the confines of a car or even a corridor or a movie theatre or food outlet or event... Twas crazy surreal for him for me to be in his space... For me, it was the perfect escape from the memory of a not-so-perfect radio show.

I dunno if it was too soon but I knew that we would some time. And that day came... What's meant to be will be... What's meant to happen, did!

So now that we have that out of the way... Let's double up... Lol... Now the trick will be to figure if we gonna stay together despite those typical doubtful feelings that come with the-morning-after-the-night-before...
We actually spoke about it a lil... And it was a lil reminiscent ot the the first time we kissed. When that finally happened, I sorta wished that we had waited because as much as I wanted to do it, I really missed the feeling of anticipation from those previous three weeks.

But isn't that always the case. Feeling as though you shouldn't have done what you did. But you had to do it to prove a point... Whether to cement your feelings or to cultivate further feelings... it's how society has shaped intimacy. You can't claim to be seeing/feeling somebody and you guys don't kiss or beyond. I mean what would set you apart from the next pair of friends if you guys, as a couple, aren't acting on the feelings of lust?

So what makes a relationship? According to FFB, without fucking there is no relationship therefore you might as well be close friends. He rates it solidifies things. I dunno if I concur... I'm pretty sure me and Shorty are more than "close friends" but I dunno how I know... I guess I trust that he ain't sharing the same thoughts with other women. Lol! So now he can't have a female BFF?
[Enter Alicia Keys with 'Grlfriend'... I think I'm jealous of your girl friend...]
If you have somebody that you constantly spend time with but there's no shagging then you guys are either BFFs or BF and GF. What sets that apart????


So I looked up the definition of RELATIONSHIP...

–noun 1. a connection, association, or involvement.
2. connection between persons by blood or marriage.
3. an emotional or other connection between people: the relationship between teachers and students.
4. a sexual involvement; affair.

Clearly the above didn't help...
So I looked it up in the Thesauraus...
And the following jumped at me...

connection, friendship, affinity, bond, hookup...

An affinity... that zing that draws you and keeps you close to another person. Those butterflies that a simple BFF can't make you feel. That's what makes a relationship. Those strong, amorous feelings for another person that are often translated into the physical but don't exist because of the physical!

Ah Ha moment of note!

I'm considering calming down on the intimacy aspect until Shorty is comfortable. I don't want him doing stuff... hell... I don't wanna be doing stuff coz that's what's expected. We should be doing stuff coz that's what we wanna do...

Day 93-103: Magic Moments Part II

Since Monday, I been spending every second day just catching up on sleep because every other day is spent awake for at least 24 hours. It's the most insane but exhilarating experience. Finally, our time to be on air has come. As luck would have it... but...er... I don't believe in luck so as it was written...I'm the second last to go on air, on Wednesday 20 May, as per the 4AM-5AM schedule. To date I have read news twice (once on the first day, Tues 12 May and another on Thurs 14 May because the dude that was supposed to was otherwise occupied. Score for me really so I didn't mind absconding on my content production role for the few minutes that a coupla news bulletins take up. Besides, I gots to practice and get used to speaking out loud on the new mics).

My attention has really been on my exam and of course the on-air stuff. Constantly planning links and thinking of ways to make exciting radio. You may be half-asleep during 4AM and 5AM but really I gots no business contributing to that state of mind.

So what's my plan? Well, the words of the Programming Manager keep ringing in my head. Keep your links sweet and short and punchy. But so far, everybody has done the exact opposite. I can understand their thought-process though. They want to impress with humorous, interesting banter. The more you talk, the bigger the chance to be impressive and likewise, the larger the opportunity to suck. That's when the heartburn hits my chest! But really, I gots to know how to take direction, right. So I'ma have to keep my words to a minimum. Think Ryan Seacrest's slickness and swag on the mic. Dope/Doe Boy Fresh (DBF)! I want that to be me! I plan to be exciting, spunky and all up in your face! Make you wanna get up without saying too much and I figure if I can manage that then I'm legend!


But of cos, I'm beginning to doubt myself. Hella nervous! I can't wait to rock my hour but then again, I could totally wait out of sheer anxiety.

Meanwhile back at the ranch... Shorty and I had yet another fight, at the beginning of last week, over the same tired topic... There I was minding my own business on Tuesday, keen to go on study leave, glad to have finished my SAMAs piece when The Girls walked in and one of them told me how she had witnessed Shorty in a shady, compromising situation at some night-spot during the weekend.

I felt the tears sting the back of my eye-balls as she spoke about this floozy that had her arms around him and was kissing his neck. The disgust welled up in my stomach, followed by sheer self-disappointment. How can you be so stupid, I asked myself. I was so sick and tired and pissed at the timing that I typed up a text and actually sent it this time. Because of my self-blame, it was rather mild-mannered. I wasn't about to scream n shout n curse coz in my head, there would be no point coz clearly this ain't the first time. Clearly I been gettin played. So I just told him that I can't deal with all these stories of him entertaining groupies so we should just end this. He called. I switched off my phone. I won't lie but I was rather pleased that he was appearing to be freakin out but at the same time, I thought, he only ever takes me seriously when I'm at the door with my suitcase packed! I also tried to think how he would explain his way out of this one. I thought how blind am I. How stoopid must I be. How pathetic. How retarded. Like what am I waiting for- to find him in bed with somebody else? All these questions but only one answer. Go study!

Well, that was not about to happen. Well not that day. Instead I texted him again to say I wasn't tryna be rude but I know that if we talk, he's just gonna sweet-talk me out of my decision. He was actually rather mad and frustrated. From the sounds of the voice-messages that he left, demanding that I answer my phone to the texts that said he was tired of explaining himself and that we were over before we even begun (becaus of all these stories I was being fed). That stung. But that's one thing you will always receive from anger. It will make people show another side to themselves. It may be the truth or a defence mechanism. Either way, it has the potential to have some devastating repercussions.

In fact, in the midst of our heated text chat, I was having flashbacks of the last such chat I had with my BFF from varsity who hooked up with my ex flame behind my back and then turned around and accused me of jealousy when I condemned her actions. After that, I didn't see how we could ever be friends again because she just didn't get it. She was not sympathetic towards my feelings or even empathetic. It was all about her and I had to just accept her skanky behaviour. She even went on to say that she didn't even really like me and that I can only wish I was like her and no amount of therapy could fix me. That hurt because I was in therapy following my grandmother's death.... That comment proved to be the nail in the coffin! (Therapy proved to be the catalyst for my path to self discovery actually... but I digress...)

My text chat with Shorty could've easily gone that route and I could hate him right now but we handled it. And I think that's because we were both not ready to walk away. Not yet. Not now. Although I was not about to admit it at that point... I did all but beg him to confess instead because I needed to know that was not walking away from this because of a really dumb reason. Whatever that could be. Yes, I kept hoping for some sort of explanation that would make me nod my head feverishly and say 'ah yes, that explains it all.'

And then the magic moment came...

Day 81-84: Famous Last Words...

When I was younger (like a month ago lol) I was heavily afflicted with wanting all the things that I can't have. Mostly coz it's just human to yearn for all the stuff that aren't easily accessible. From a pair of jeans to a guy. You forget to count your blessings. It's the way of the world. And when you finally have it, you wonder if you even really wanted it in the first place...

You may truly be suffering from buyer's remorse but sometimes it's just the culmination of both self-doubt and greed- ie feeling as though you don't really deserve such pleasure for whatever inane reason, missing the thrill of the chase and wondering if you can get this, what else is in store which could be bigger n better.

Shorty asked me to be his girlfriend on Friday night/early hours of Saturday morning. Yes, I know I should just live in the moment and enjoy this. But please just indulge me for a sec....

No question about it, I'm hella flattered. I did not see it coming though. That nigga lives for suprising me, I swear. I never really know how he's gonna act, react, respond. It keeps me on my toes, I guess. And very independent in thought. I couldn't try impress him even if I tried coz I never know where his head is at. Plus, that just ain't my steez. He likes that. He said he is looking for somebody to keep him grounded... And um it appears that I'm the only one in the running coz he knows that many chicks that holla at him are doing it for superficial reasons. I know right, also shock-ed that he knows as much... Not jus a cutie...

So am I having second thoughts? Not really. Just thinking how crazy the past two months been and if being his gf will prove to be easier. Or will the pressure of a relationship tear us apart for good. Doesn't it amount to getting hitched even when you're in troubled waters. Or throwing a baby into the mix. That's jus stoopid!

I really had just gotten my head around us just dating. As in only dating. Nothing hectic or serious. I thought we'd do an extended version of that beginning part of hooking up. Dating without expecting much. I hate to put it that way but I thought we'd be like friends that hang out and make out.

Slightly better than 'friends with benefits' but certainly on the same (lack of) accountability level. I was so over expecting something half-decent from him and our lil set-up coz those expectations and hopes gave me mild heart-burn. So I let go a tad. And lo and behold, it made him realise that this is where he wanna be. I think. Hell, I hope. But lately he's been dropping that 'I don't wanna lose you' line.

I remember using that line on a few occasions when I could feel that I was about to lose my partner.
I wish I could say I planned it all. As if! And even as I joke, I know this ain't gonna be easy but we really been working hard at this. Yes, everyone been saying that there shouldn't be any difficulty in the beginning. I say well, there is no hard n fast rule. Again, what's meant to be will be.

I figured that I should resave his digits. It's weird seeing his name on my screen now. It's weird being somebody's girlfriend again considering that I was not looking to get involved. I guess that's the best kinda situation... Um... I dunno why I think that. I JUST DO. I figure it to be serendipity... A pleasant suprise. I don't like talking about this coz I really ain't sure where my head's at.

Like I said in a tweet, it's like getting new spectacles when you didn't really know that your vision was blurry. Now everything is clearer but now you don't have the words to describe what you are seeing... Make sense...?

Yeah... Not so much? So until we can use words (heard this on Supernanny. A mother talking to one of her tantrum-prone twins) , we will be enjoying it. Until we have reason or the rationale to feel otherwise... Wow... That sounds dodge simply coz with matters of the heart, logic gets thrown out the window so why am I feeling heartburn? Do I wanna do this or not? Aaaargh... Oh goodness... Heartburn!

I'm scared that I'll put down my walls for Shorty and I'll only get hurt. Only so much a girl can take. And in a relationship, you can't be mucking about. Get real or get out! You see!? Aaaargh! So we ready for that? Really? Eish... Let's ride and see... I know I can do it. I jus wonder about him. And really... should I be getting hectically involved with somebody I wonder about? Can't believe I'm still asking these questions. You know when I'm around him, I can't find these words. When I'm around him, his eyes reassure me. And all this amounts to paranoia. Ain't it funny.