Day 131 -138: When It All Falls Down...

I've spoken about those life-(altering)wedgies that come and take you by surprise just when you are beginning to love life. Or at least get into a rhythm.You know those times when everything is going right. You ain't fighting with nobody. Drama is down to a minimum. You've made peace with the stuff that you can't change. You're making major strides in the departments that you can control and on top of it all, you've met a new dude who makes the old dude look like a chump. A chump that didn't deserve your time in the first place. Your favourite song(s) keeps playing (The Dream-Rockin that Thang and Every Girl- Young Money and Drake-Best I Ever Had) and your crush digs you too so much that you can hardly believe your luck. But you don't believe in luck so you can hardly believe your destiny. Complete with an atom-bomb of good vibes, lust and like infused electricity! I call it ZING, he calls it chemistry! OMG... the chemical infusion happening within can't be good for you but it feels sooooo gooood!

And then all of a blue moon, the Script-Writer sends out a DEFCOM 5 [http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Defcon]! '

AY! Don't get too comfortable'

, He warns. It ain't ever that easy. It can't be, at least not for five days straight. And I know that. Well, I should. Perhaps, I was hoping for some sort of pleasant surprise. In fact, at the height of my euphoria, during the weekend, one of my tweets tentatively spoke of how...

I am a lil afraid to admit that I'm kinda sorta loving my life.

Dude! as soon as that tweet had been published, it all fell down. And yesterday, it all be came a lil too real that my life was still far from being the fairytale that I had been living for all but 24 hours. It was everything but. It was just another tear-jerking episode of a cheesy soapie. Or worse still, a reality show. Can't remember the last time I cried this hard. Heavy, soul-shaking, gut-wrenching, ugly sobs that grip at your core. You almost feel as though you could not only bawl forever but that if you weep hard enough, you'll cry out the very cancer that is making you feel so miserable. Almost hurl it up. More like sneeze it out! Not pretty I know. But I feel like this heartache is a thick chunk of black coal sitting at the bottom of my tummy. Pervading my insides.

Life perfect ain't perfect if you dunno what the struggle's for
Fallin' down ain't fallin' down if you don't cry when you hit the floor
It's called the past coz I'm getting past
And I ain't nothing like I was before...
You oughta see me now...
Yes, I was burnt so I call it a lesson learned
Mistake will return so I call it a lesoon learned
my soul has returned so I call it a lesson learned
Another lesson learned...

I guess the pressure had to get to me some time and these past couple of days proved to be the straw that broke the camel's back. From my less-than-impressive radio shows that I've been feeling less than awesome about. There's also my new nine to five which is probably at the single most dynamic production company in the country. Started there last week as a part of the content production team. So amped to be getting paid to be a creative. I get paid to write scripts and come up with ideas. Dude! How dope is that! I also work on scripts. Even though it is an opportunity and a half, I am having trouble working out a feasible timetable that will allow me ample sleep and balance. Man I need a ride!

Speaking of balance, Shorty been 'too busy' for me just when I needed some sort of escape the most, he suggested that we take it slow. If I didn't know better, I would say that he was calling things off without having to say as much. Well, actions speak louder than words and no matter how many times I tried to reach out and have him admit to wanting to end things, he won't talk about it or be man enough to say it's over. But I don't need him to confirm nothing coz one big fat indication is that we don't really see each other anymore. What's worse, I'm subjected to the occasional text. I deserve better. Luckily, I've had soooo much work to do, from the new gig to some freelancing work, that I couldn't quite deal with his stunts. But when I raised these concerns, I was met with a dismissive nonchalance. So I've done my bit really.

And just when I was tryna wrap my head around my drama, I met somebody. Like a week ago. Think Prince Charming in shining armour, (complete with the most delightful smile and the cutest ass. HOT DAMMM!) coming to remind me that life ain't all that excruciating. I'd actually forgotten what real butterflies feel like. And goodness knows that I had missed being really excited about somebody real. Besides Drake who, by the way, I'd totally marry. The mixtape So Far Gone got me through some heavy days. It polished my thick skin and reminded me that it's ok to hurt. Its ok to be disappointed. But that don't mean you should compromise on who you are. Fuck whoever that disagrees with you! Lol! But I digress...

We'll call new dude, Cutie, coz he is hella adorable. And from the moment we laid eyes on each other, I knew that I wanted to get to know him. If anything, it made me think or start to ponder upon the concept of love at first sight. Honestly it had never occurred to me that the notion was even a remote possibility yet there I was, completely engrossed in a stranger even before he had said two words to me. It makes for a dope blog and an even doper wedding story. Lol! You see how this situation had me talking crazy...

Well, those were the ol good days. That's the thing about falling quickly. You make the hurt that much more potent within a shorter period of time. But before we get to the bad part, Cutie and I went on our first and only date on Friday. Twas awesome. I completely immersed myself in this 'Something New'. I forgot Shorty, I forgot the world and I was allowed to be myself for the first time in a long time. And that's the most profound piece of this puzzle. I realise that I was beginning to lose myself by being in a dead-end relationship. Whether I was not really in it to begin with makes no difference because it took up my time, attention and energy, it had an effect whether I was aware of it or not. It was toxic and as much as I wanna deny it, it was killing my spirit and making me feel ashamed that I'm not in the sort of relationship that I would like for myself. I was not allowed to be me.

Dude I almost fell off my chair when Cutie hollered at me to say goodnight on Sunday. Shorty has never bothered to do that. It was such a foreign concept to me that I was completely shell-shocked and that's when it really dawned on me that I allowed myself to be treated like less for a while now.

During my brief time with Cutie, I remembered that I like to hold hands and make out and share and spend time with my significant other. With Shorty, I've had to curb my enthusiasm under the disguise of patience education coz he ain't a fan of PDA. Dude, it got to a point where the relationship was centred around him. And I didn't even realise but I hardly told him of my dreams and ambitions and worse, he never asked. Yeah, I learned to be patient but I also learned how to allow a nigga to run circles around me 101. Too whack. So I'm out. Can't believe I stood for it.

Well, as soon as Cutie had taught me that lesson, he also headed for the nearest exit. By last night, I was near tears as he told me how he didn't feel that he could be emotionally available for me coz he has to deal with his own crazy drama which includes getting over a two year relationship, his fear of being hurt again and the self-healing that he thinks he needs to embark on alone. I couldn't believe my ears. Like don't you feel what I'm feeling. How do you walk away when this is so so so special. And yet, he felt that was what's best. So I let him coz I can't force him. I don't know who to resent for feeling this way. The Script-Writer for making the feelings so strong? Or Cutie for not feeling that he can go the mile with me?

And as Drake asks... Is anything I'm doing Brand New? I wonder if my reaction to the Cutie situation was a lil OTT? Probably. and if so, why was I affected so? Why did I feel it? What's the lesson? I haven't felt like this and had to just shake it off. It's always been a faggot nigga that caused the drama and I always knew better than to pine for him but this is different. Or is it? I dunno anymore.

I guess it is time to try be alone. I think I been avoiding that status for a minute. Nobody wants to be lonely and single especially in the grip of a terrible winter but I know better than to waste my time on whackness just so that I can say that I'm dating somebody. Time to re-focus and re-arm and remember that this is about me. Couplin' would be cool but we will survive. Lol!

I've also been reading soon excerpts from Steve Harvey's Act Like A Lady, Date Like A Man. I've been compromising on my standards. It's so embarrassing to realise that I ain't been acting like the keeper that I be. It's fine. You live, you learn. So let the practicals begin...

And let's try get some stuff right this time...

Day 118-120: Finally....Radio Chapter I

**This is actually my blog from an internal site but I found it to be so spot on and a lil too honest that I just had to share it with you guys....

I've been meaning to blog about my on-air escapades for a minute... so lemme break it down a lil... It's been a week since my second attempt at GroundZero. For all intensive purposes, I killed it compared to my premiere show five days before that.




I figure that I let the hype get to me during the first show. In between the "oh my goshes" and "oh my goodneses", I pretty much failed to be the cool big sis that listeners would like to have. I was like a groupie. Dude!

Lesson learnt: Dude! just be you!

As Em would say ...

You better lose yourself in the music
The moment you own it you better never let it go, oh
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Cuz opportunity comes once in a lifetime, yo
You better lose yourself in the music
The moment you own it you better never let it go, oh
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Cuz opportunity comes once in a lifetime, yo
You better...

It's really that simple. But I let the enormity of the moment/opportunity get at me and rip at me and drag me through the mud!
Twas an eye-opener. As in it made me realise that my moment, the moment that I had been dreaming about since I was a kid, had finally come and because of nerves, I was about to fuck it up momentously. Dude! Don't joke! Say it ain't so! I couldn't believe that I almost let it slip through my fingers like that...

and even today I ain't all that pleased with my performance during the second show.

Another lesson learnt...

Our lectures in the run up to the on-air stuff were quite spot-on!
As soon as I calmed down on the OMGs, I picked up on "OKay" and added some "er's and "ums" for added crutchness!it's the oddest thing that once you lose one crutch, you are bound to pick up another one! Just like that! I never say OK but now it's like my new word! Dude! like how?!

Dude!
it's hella wack hey.
my technical has been ait. As in I haven't skipped any songs, involuntarily but I did manage to gate-crash the news with a jingle. And if that wasn't enough, I didn't put up the level after front-announcing AKA's "Mistake". How apt!

You may ask...
But KP did you do anything right?

Yeah... I had a coupla tricks up my sleeve... from my totally fake, fabricated, imaginary friend that "sucks cock" to deal with stress and feel like a "strong black woman"... I don't doubt that such a female exists but she certainly ain't one of my friends.
...to my future "blind-date" with a white boy. Well, that wasn't a complete lie. An fb friend did "offer" me his white friend... but he was not keen to set us up, well not directly, he sought to rather, organise a lil chill session at his spot and then have us meet... So a blind-date with a twist... started off the show on an inquisitive note... Nice...

My links coulda been tighter if I had stuck to my prep and timings and such... but I doubted it in the moment. Stooooooopid girl.

More good news...
I've learnt to prep my own ish!
I've found a system that doesn't allow me to forget to back-announce and most of all to ID the station and my pretty lil face!

Too dope!

Now, I'm constantly jotting down ideas for links... I literally keep my notebook and pen on me... it's exciting ad it's daunting at the same time because my respect for the profession has grown tremendously ie I now see it as a proper gig. Not a hobby to be shat on! but at the same time, I'm freaked out by the intensity and how it isn't some big party on air like I sorta unconsciously perceived it to be.

Which has of cos made that crazy, totally illogical Q pop into my head. Is this what I really want? Really? really?

Part of my every being screams YES but my fear, a deep seated, unjustified, totally self-involved phobia is raising doubt, within!

So a lot of thinking is taking place. And of cos, been sussing out the competition. Totally natural especially when your turn to be on air is taking its sweet time.

But also totally a waste of time because I really shouldn't be checking for the other academics coz I'm the only horse that I should be concerned about. I can't see these other niggas coz I got my eye on the prize!

And with two shows to go... I am dying to prove my mettle. So I plan to pull out al the stops for the next show. Really. Fiery blazin links! Short sweet n punchy!

Sot he cat's out the bag but that's the thing about radio, my execution ain't like no other. At least that's the plan. To make it memorable.

We got some good news yesterday...
Not only will we be participating in a massive clean up campaign in our own internship capacities (oh joy-lol ) but we will also be having our own liners recorded! Dude! can you say too dope! With the official voice of the station!

Songs I'm loving at the moment...
Pure Surprise- Lulo Cafe (yho...he is the hottest nigga in the hood! No kidding!)
And of cos... Hottest Nigga in the Hood- Red Cafe (see the link!!!) [still!!]
Who's Real-Jada ft Swizz
Deeper- Euphonik
Return the Favour- Keri Hilson ft Timbo
My Love- The Dream ft Mariah
Rockin that Shit (Remix) -The Dream and all them niggas... [still!!!]
Good Clothes-Lil Brother [still!! stuck on that beat!]


And a host of other hottttt house tracks that I can't remember... it happens... mind you... I have yet to sleep since 9pm last night!

Since I've been absolutely self-indulgent... I guess I can get away without blogging for the next month... truth be told... I've missed talking about my passion... so you must JBS (jusssss beeee strong)!

Besides with God by my side... I can't help but shine.. wherever that may be! Funny thing about the picture below, I was loking for a star and that jumped at me! How appropriate... That's how I know that The Script-writer is hard at work for lil ol me who deserves it the least... But would desire it regardless... pretty pretty please... I'm thinking he is liking the idea tooooo.. Well, I'ma keep the faith!

Day 112-117: Seven Days Was A Long Shot!

In a day, God created man. And when the sun set that evening, he looked at Adam and said, 'Hotdam I'm rock long time...' and then he went drinking at the Eden river, with the angels, to celebrate...
It's taken double that time for me and Shorty to restart fighting after just making up. Ya neh. We couldn't even go the seven that I spoke of in my last post. There's really no point in getting into why we are fighting now [but for completeness sake, here's the jist- we were supposed to go out to some birthday gig on Thursday night and he took a unilateral decision to cancel our plans. Something about being tired and under-dressed. I was not impressed. I flipped at him for being a fader. He claimed we could do it on Friday. Nothing happened Friday. Instead he was out with his mates. Which was all apparently unplanned. I just keep thinking I'm way to pretty to be dealing with such non-issues. Plently guys wanna spend time with me. Why am I still here? For what!? When it really appears as though, I ain't wanted.] I'm just sick of it. It's like the bad is superceding the good. It's so bad, I'm thinking of drawing up a list. Either of Pro's n Con's or of things that he does that I absolutely despise. He can also draw up the latter with regards to me and if we gonna work at this, those lists must be adhered to, otherwise it's an indication of disrespect and sheer carelessness. Which speaks volumes.

I used to date guys that I fought with all the time, thinking that it adds passion to the relationship. And then I dated a nigga that I hardly ever fought with and guess what- I enjoyed that so much more. The laughing and smiling and talking really beats arguing and crying and bitching. So I can't understand how I landed up here and how come I've been at it for almost as long as my longest relationship ever [four months]?!

But everytime I think of walking away, the heartburn hits my chest. And honestly, he does he quite an effect on my mood especially when things are cool and we're talking. I jus wish we could get along for more than three days out of the week.

I was so embarrassed when my mother asked me what he thought of my Monday show. I had to meekly tell her that I hadn't received any feedback from him. Even she raised her eyebrows even though she doesn't know that we are dating. But she knows that we're friends and that I'm hella supportive of his hustle. So in her head, it made no sense as to why he is seemingly not showing luv back. Luckily she spared me any further humiliation by letting that question hang in the air. Awkward!

Saturday night/the early hours of Sunday morning, I tried to talk to him about this kak. And I swear if he hadn't claimed to be too tired to get into it, I probably would've broken up with him right then and there. Coz something don't feel right. That feeling I had at the beginning of this, has returned and it's actually suffocating me. Rather annoying. Two options: stick it out like last time til it subsides or walk away from these weird feelings. Fuck it's weird. It feels like he's hiding something...

True to his conceited self, he insisted on discussing this issue from the other night, later today. Fine. It's not like it's going anywhere. We'll discuss it eventually and if it's over- let it be.

I could use some fresh material for my blog, as it is.

As for my show on Monday. I felt that it went well. So well that I walked away thinking that some of the proper DJs best be scared.... Coz I'm coming after their gigs! Unfortunately it will be a while til my next shot at presenting. Try 10 June. Dis ver! I was hoping we would have gotten an updated schedule by now, with all the non-presenters, having opened up more slots for the rest of us that want to do it.

But life ain't ever sucha breeze. Been working on scripts for a certain production from my former employer. Who woulda thought... 53 episodes by four links each. Hectic. But coming along nicely. Very exciting. Challenging. And learn-as-you-go. Very stimulating and keeps my mind off this rather immature love-life stuff. I won't lie. I'm expecting the worst.

Day 93-103: Magic Moments Part II

Since Monday, I been spending every second day just catching up on sleep because every other day is spent awake for at least 24 hours. It's the most insane but exhilarating experience. Finally, our time to be on air has come. As luck would have it... but...er... I don't believe in luck so as it was written...I'm the second last to go on air, on Wednesday 20 May, as per the 4AM-5AM schedule. To date I have read news twice (once on the first day, Tues 12 May and another on Thurs 14 May because the dude that was supposed to was otherwise occupied. Score for me really so I didn't mind absconding on my content production role for the few minutes that a coupla news bulletins take up. Besides, I gots to practice and get used to speaking out loud on the new mics).

My attention has really been on my exam and of course the on-air stuff. Constantly planning links and thinking of ways to make exciting radio. You may be half-asleep during 4AM and 5AM but really I gots no business contributing to that state of mind.

So what's my plan? Well, the words of the Programming Manager keep ringing in my head. Keep your links sweet and short and punchy. But so far, everybody has done the exact opposite. I can understand their thought-process though. They want to impress with humorous, interesting banter. The more you talk, the bigger the chance to be impressive and likewise, the larger the opportunity to suck. That's when the heartburn hits my chest! But really, I gots to know how to take direction, right. So I'ma have to keep my words to a minimum. Think Ryan Seacrest's slickness and swag on the mic. Dope/Doe Boy Fresh (DBF)! I want that to be me! I plan to be exciting, spunky and all up in your face! Make you wanna get up without saying too much and I figure if I can manage that then I'm legend!


But of cos, I'm beginning to doubt myself. Hella nervous! I can't wait to rock my hour but then again, I could totally wait out of sheer anxiety.

Meanwhile back at the ranch... Shorty and I had yet another fight, at the beginning of last week, over the same tired topic... There I was minding my own business on Tuesday, keen to go on study leave, glad to have finished my SAMAs piece when The Girls walked in and one of them told me how she had witnessed Shorty in a shady, compromising situation at some night-spot during the weekend.

I felt the tears sting the back of my eye-balls as she spoke about this floozy that had her arms around him and was kissing his neck. The disgust welled up in my stomach, followed by sheer self-disappointment. How can you be so stupid, I asked myself. I was so sick and tired and pissed at the timing that I typed up a text and actually sent it this time. Because of my self-blame, it was rather mild-mannered. I wasn't about to scream n shout n curse coz in my head, there would be no point coz clearly this ain't the first time. Clearly I been gettin played. So I just told him that I can't deal with all these stories of him entertaining groupies so we should just end this. He called. I switched off my phone. I won't lie but I was rather pleased that he was appearing to be freakin out but at the same time, I thought, he only ever takes me seriously when I'm at the door with my suitcase packed! I also tried to think how he would explain his way out of this one. I thought how blind am I. How stoopid must I be. How pathetic. How retarded. Like what am I waiting for- to find him in bed with somebody else? All these questions but only one answer. Go study!

Well, that was not about to happen. Well not that day. Instead I texted him again to say I wasn't tryna be rude but I know that if we talk, he's just gonna sweet-talk me out of my decision. He was actually rather mad and frustrated. From the sounds of the voice-messages that he left, demanding that I answer my phone to the texts that said he was tired of explaining himself and that we were over before we even begun (becaus of all these stories I was being fed). That stung. But that's one thing you will always receive from anger. It will make people show another side to themselves. It may be the truth or a defence mechanism. Either way, it has the potential to have some devastating repercussions.

In fact, in the midst of our heated text chat, I was having flashbacks of the last such chat I had with my BFF from varsity who hooked up with my ex flame behind my back and then turned around and accused me of jealousy when I condemned her actions. After that, I didn't see how we could ever be friends again because she just didn't get it. She was not sympathetic towards my feelings or even empathetic. It was all about her and I had to just accept her skanky behaviour. She even went on to say that she didn't even really like me and that I can only wish I was like her and no amount of therapy could fix me. That hurt because I was in therapy following my grandmother's death.... That comment proved to be the nail in the coffin! (Therapy proved to be the catalyst for my path to self discovery actually... but I digress...)

My text chat with Shorty could've easily gone that route and I could hate him right now but we handled it. And I think that's because we were both not ready to walk away. Not yet. Not now. Although I was not about to admit it at that point... I did all but beg him to confess instead because I needed to know that was not walking away from this because of a really dumb reason. Whatever that could be. Yes, I kept hoping for some sort of explanation that would make me nod my head feverishly and say 'ah yes, that explains it all.'

And then the magic moment came...

Day 85-90: What Were You Thinking...

It's funny how when you have to study, you'll do everything but exactly that. I just came from physio... Oh my gosh such pleasure... I nearly passed out coz the various massaging techniques were so good. I should have started physio five weeks ago [since it's been approxiamately three months since the shoulder anthroscopy] but I haven't had time to find a therapist, especially one that works on the weekend, but now that I gots to study, it occurred to me that I may wanna see one. And boy am I glad.

Physio amounts to somebody playing with your hair and inducing drowsiness. Now all I wanna do is sleep. But I also gotta go get my hair did. Plus this BMW [Baby-Making Weather] is making me hella apathetic.

So I'm drowsy n lazy, watching the Crime Channel. Things been like that the entire week. Haven't even been able to blog because the famous last words proved to be exactly that. Well sorta. Well for the most part.

Saw Shorty the other day and we spoke about Friday night. He pretty much expressed my concern as per my blog. Lol that would be assuming that he's been reading it. Coz the way he spoke about labels putting pressure on us was what I said. So I nodded fiercely wondering if we on the same page or if he jus read my blog and found the perfect excuse for some triflin behaviour.

Honestly I shouldn't be bothered by all this at the moment. Coz again, gots to study. But at the rate that I'm going, you'd swear I gots all the time in the world. So the official term for us is 'we're seeing eachother/dating exclusively'. Even if some nosy numbnut insists on asking if he is my boyfriend, I'll merely respond that 'we're seeing eachother'. BOOOORIIINGGG! Lol!

I think I'm just slightly annoyed coz I had begun wrapping my head around the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing. But clearly the fact that I brought it up in a sober setting shows that I was not completely comfortable.

Speaking of discomfort, the day before May Day, my sexual frustration had hit an all time high! All that anybody was talking about and doing was sexually related. Needless to say that I and my celibate state felt a lil cheated. I called him and for the first time, I told him how I was not coping. I expected him to snigger in the face of my three-month rule but he only had empathy for me and expressed feeling equally frustrated. That made me feel ten times better. My poor baby...

Maybe it's time, he said meekly... How about no, negro?! We are doing so well and to just give in to our urges would undo months of work... I dunno what the logic is but sex just results in complications and goodness knows that we have enough complications for Africa. Plus once you become sexually active, it's easy to just have a relationship that's centred around the nookie. Right now, we are forced to get to know eachother and see eachother for what we really are. Sex blinds you. So we gonna have to wait. Coz I wanna do this differently. I can get sex anywhere but goodness knows that we've worked at this. No point in screwing it up now... Yes, pun intended.

Day 71-72: Spear-o-damus

Whenever you are just about to go on your periods, life sorta colludes in making the PMS that much more potent.

My gal,Ms Fabulous,was kind enough to let me in on a little secret. Albeit five days later. As Mother Dearest would say, 'molato ga o bole'. The spelling is probably incorrect but the Tswana loosely translates into 'a problem never rots/goes bad no matter how long it's been there'. She often says it when we are watching a soapie or those Forgive and Forget type shows when the victim finally gets retribution or more specifically, the evil woman gets bust for all her plotting. The idiom couldn't be more fitting right now, with nearly a week having passed.



It turns out that Shorty was all cuddly-couple on Thursday at Mos Def. And I have a sneaky suspicion that this is the same short shorts Miss Thang from that one do we attended together, end of last month. Remember he disappeared for a minute. And had some cock n bull story to go with it.

On top of that, this chick was apparently using my digicam to snap pictures with him! So that would explain why he still hasn't returned the cam coz it's probably still filled with incriminating evidence. It's actually quite pitiful. Besides being filled with his indiscretions, the cam also probably has some dope pics of Thursday's performances... But this numb-nut can't begin to share these coz Miss Thang will probably wonder where the rest of the luvey-dovey pictures are.

Dirt of my shoulder. Finally the tongue-burn has occurred. About damn time. And again, thank goodness, I never gave it up. To think I felt bad for comforting FFB coz of his ailing aunt meanwhile, Mr Man is playing with my feelings. Ait. I been helping get his stuff together, offering some advice, only to be repaid like this.

But now that nigga got my shit. My camera. My charger and plug. My jersey. My lip-gloss. Lol... Dude, this would explain why he didn't want me to go fetch his phone when he had forgotten it in the car, on Sunday. His guilty conscious. I wouldn't have looked through it but I guess he would rather be safe than sorry. With my luck, it probably would've rang in my hands.

Now, I hate to say I told you so. But I did. I been saying that something's off. That I don't trust this nigga. Now I know. So my gut is working. Relief. Thank goodness it ain't paranoia. I really couldn't deal.

What's worse is that I'm apparently the other woman, [yet again! After specifically telling this nigga that I don't want drama. Ya neh. So much for respecting my quest for truth]. This chic is apparently widely known as his girlfriend. Classy. Poor chick. Poor me.

Yeah, that's enough self-pity. In fact, I ain't privy to any. I knew. I did. You probably knew too. I broke every rule of the how to tell that 'He's Just Not That Into You' list by listening to him claim to be digging me, missing me, trusting me... And most of all being single and tryna see where we go. I listened to him. Instead of my gut.

I'm tired. Absolutely exhausted. This nigga managed to play me despite my best intentions. So it is kinda like Paul again. In fact it is. I trusted somebody who is clearly not to be trusted. Dude! And how many times did I tell him that honesty is the single most important thing to me? Oh but he made so much effort to see me? Ms Fabulous says that playas get off looking as though they put in some effort. It ain't nothin but a thing to them. I'm easily impressed, clearly. I mean he saw this chic Thursday night only to call me the following day and hang with me that night. And Sunday night. He apologised for not doing so yesterday. Wow. And drive me home. And pick me up.

So now that we know he's triflin', do we call him and scream into the phone? Nah, not my style. Anger ain't a real emotion. I'm hurting. Down but not out. So I need to chill. This been going on for a minute so what's it gonna hurt to only voice my hurt later? Coz I may be nicer later? Nice ain't truth when I really just wanna hang him by his fat-ass.

Not my style either. Any guy that deserves to make you feel like literally killing him, doesn't deserve your time. You giving him way more attention than he deserves so walk away.

So my way of venting is blogging coz life will sort him out. It ain't my steez to teach a grown man. It took a lot for me to call him today and not call him a big fat liar. I played it cool and even cold but requested that he please bring my cam back coz I need it. Bull. He promised tomorrow. I just wanted to get off the phone quickly so it completely slipped my mind to ask him to drop my stuff off with security if he happens to go past the office tonight.

I'm not up to seeing him. I'm hella disgusted. The thought of second base is even having the opposite effect. Not even a lil smile.

So how am I gonna deal with this? If the opportunity presents itself, I'll tell him what I know and that I'm out. Either way, by reading this, he'll know that I'm done. Peace nucca!

Day 67-70: Frontin'

I often blog, hoping to locate a resolution within the text. Especially when I'm struggling to express myself verbally, I find that writing organises the con-fuss-ion.

It's pretty much in the same vein as when I teach my Sunday School kids. By explaining to them, I grasp the concept better. Writing amounts to explaining to the self. No wonder school teachers often insist on pupils summarising study material into their own words. Coz you figure more via that method...

Where am I going with this?
Dunno really. I'm just hoping to figure out the Easter weekend.

The last time I blogged, I thought that Shorty and I we're pretty much nearing the end of our lil escapade. In fact, I still haven't resaved his digits [just in case I turn out to be right, I guess].
The irony is that his digits now appear on my screen more than they ever did.

That translates into two things...
1. It's a wonder that I don't know his number off by heart by now. But honestly I'm making a concerted effort not to commit the last seven digits to memory. My eyes merely scan over them.
2. Somebody been reading the blog and stepped it up. Well, he admitted as much. But before we tackle that...

I was more than prepared to have to walk away. Well, my defences were/are up. And I was hella impressed with myself for having not gotten hectically physical with him. In over a month, in fact only recently, have we gotten as far as second base. That's huge for me. This whole thing is hugely different. But question is, is it good different or bad different? Now that he's putting in some effort, I really dunno what to think or feel. Does it really amount to effort or merely convenience? I mean it's not like he's going out of his way.

I don't think I like him any less but I'm still not sure if he really likes me period. Which makes me less enthusiastic. To the point where I wonder why he bothers.

Honestly I just have a wierd feeling that something's off. I only have this feeling. So I can't get serious or be serious about this. That would be dumb. I'll hang with the nigga but I ain't expecting the moon or stars. Just a good time. Like Carev [from Grey's] said, 'if it works out, great. If not, it's ok, I'll get over it. I always do!'

That pretty much sums up the past few days. I'm less than impressed by his inability to let me know when he's delayed or caught up. It feels disrespectful. In fact it reminds me of my hip hop ex. He simply was never aware of the time as far as I was concerned. In his head, it was ok to completely disregard my feelings and make me wait. Wtf? So I kicked him to the curb on numerous occasions after he pleaded for forgiveness on numerous occasions. In fact, I haven't spoken to that nigga since the beginning of the year.

Another thing that's of concern is Shorty's near discomfort around me. He ain't completely relaxed.


Oh, it tears me up/ I tried to hold on but it hurts too much/ I tried to forgive but it's not enough/ To make it all okay...
You can't play on broken strings/ You can't feel anything/ That your heart don't want to feel/ I cant tell u something that ain't real/ The truth hurts/ A lie's worse/ How can I give anymore/ When I (like) you a lil less than before...

And maybe that's the basis for my doubt. But how do I explain that or draw some answers out of him. Even though he claims to be reading this blog, he was not about to discuss it. And I was not about to push for that. He says he's a man of few words. I think he just doesn't want to hurt me. Yet, he's often said that if he didn't wanna hang out, he'd let me know... So I'm back at square one, wondering what am I missing? What is it that isn't adding up? My gut is screaming something but what?

Is he maybe still in love with an ex? [he still ain't comfortable with us holding hands. Um we make out and then act like a plutonic couple afterwards? Huh!] What? Hence my detachment. If I'm detached then whatever bombshell that's about to explode will be relatively harmless...

You know what's funny, by now, with any other guy, I'd be wondering if we are like boyfriend and girlfriend now. My head's not there now. I'm still getting my head around understanding Shorty. That's more than enough to deal with. Plus, I rather like this taking it slow thing. It's teaching me patience. And wouldn't you know, my cursing has decreased a lot except in cases of ecstasy lol. Seriously.

You know what would suck is if I found out he was seeing other people behind my back. Ya know, second basing with other girls. Maybe that's what's up...

Okay, I know that I may have portrayed a gloomy picture but really it could be worse. We are getting along well for the most part. He's actually hella humorous. Perhaps even a little more sarcastic than me. Who woulda guessed... I'm enjoying getting to know him without the pressure. It's just not as black and white as I'm accustomed to. But it's also not entirely whack. It's um- friendship with perks?

Day 66: The Curious Case of KP-Spears...

Like I was saying... It's like losing two things in one day... Boys come at a dime a dozen so I can get over Shorty... A cool job at a multi-national is proving to be a lil harder to swallow. Not because I really wanted the gig at this very time but coz it's exactly like a romantic scenario... Boy meets girl. Boy likes girl. Girl still deciding but allows it. Boy goes out with girl. Girl begins to like Boy. Boy changes mind. Boy leaves girl. Girl heartbroken.

She wasn't really checkin for him. And now her plans are a lil haphazard now that it's over. But really, the retraction of the job offer amounts to such relief coz I really was so torn about which step to take... Now I ain't gotta decide... So Three words... SUCK IT UP! And forget the pay hike! There's a bigger plan... Door closed and another opened behind you. Now stop staring at the closed door and look around! Harder to apply, I know... But I know that the Script-Writer is one hella creative guy... And he has some sorta plan. He always does. That's the thing about good times... Even, they pass.

This is the part where you JUUUUST deal. I had yet another dosage of thought-provoking cinema today. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button left my soul reeling. All through that movie, I either cried or I thought to myself, how fortunate I am. It's a wonder that I don't consciously recognise every moment coz every single day the Script-Writer BEEN reminding me how good I got it.


Benjamin was born old. All wrinkly. He was born only to be expected to die of natural causes. Out of the womb into a death bed. And even though he appeared to be as old as the hills, he was only jus a boy inside. So a forced old soul. Or rather he was born to be an old soul... Or he was one through and through and his physicality just showed his insides in a sense. As he got older, he started to look younger. His features softened up and his hair got thicker. [Speaking of which, can I just say the Brad Pitt is the single hottest, most enchanting man, that side of the hemisphere....] So he started to look really really young. There's a scene where he looks like a college freshman but his eyes show that he's been through a lot and that he has sucha story to tell but his physicalities, again, don't reflect that. And I felt that frustration. That's probably one of the few moments that one is content with ageing but because of their physicalities, they can't help but feel the exact opposite. Nobody really embraces age for the very reasons that made Benjamin feel estranged and different. Now that was a solid Old Soul moment. Then he got to his early teens stage, acne and all but his memory was fading. And he said, 'I feel as though I should be remembering something...' now that had me bawling... All the way to the end. It was one of those, it's better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all. Or in this case, is it better to have lived than not to have experienced the curiosity that is life? Right at the end when the love of his life is now old and he has been reduced to a baby, she says that he looked her in the eyes and for the first time in a long time, she could see that he remembered their life together. And then he closed his eyes...for the last time. [insert flooding here... Ironically, the movie was also experiencing a hurricane]

I've always thought that babies have this thing. They know much more than they realise... Well, they know more than they would be able to articulate or even remember to share when they are eventually able to verbally express themselves. They often give you a knowing look and now I have a word for it... that was a 'Benjamin' moment.

So I finally got home. And then Shorty texted. I still haven't resaved his digits. Needless to say that I recognised them. Dammit! He claimed to be thinking of me. Yho Mr Smooth... Needless to say that he soften me up nicely... He hadn't been able to get the digicam earlier coz the newsroom had me running around in circles [which I absolutely loved! I'd rather be busy than be dealing with Heartbreak Hotel nonsense!] and my phone was on silent and so I missed all thirty thousand of his calls. By the time I had returned them, he was gone. But now he still needed the cam so we provided for another pick-up before the Easter weekend... What the hell am I doing? Oh... He did fail the test... Well, technically its not his fault coz the guy that hooked him up only had an extra one. I found it hilarious the way he explained the scenario considering I had merely asked if he was gonna be attending the Mos Def gig. I got more than a yes which made me think that he may be reading this blog... Ha ha... Or he just figured it out himself... Man, I'm obvious!

Again what am I doing? Oh Lover is alive and well.......... Nuff said about that subject the better... Coz we clearly got some spies up in this piece!

Day 60-63: what now?!

The past few days have been hella taxing. Personally and professionally. Good and bad. The day after April Fools Day marked the end of a very dramatic two months. None of what has transpired on the road to 180 Days ever occurred to me as a possibility. Not even a remote one.

Before we tackle the present and what the remaining 120 may bring, let's recap...Lol!

So I broke up with my boyfriend at the beginning of the year, only to keep in contact well into the end of January. Cut off the communication on the day before I began this hot internship which was sure to be my ticket to a successful radio career (but I quickly realised that it wouldn't be as smooth a ride).

So there I was, competing for top honors with eleven other eager beavers at work and completely cut off from my ex-soul-mate. Ok maybe not completely but we certainly don't talk as much as we used to. Not even a fraction. Recently, it's hardly ever, which is good considering that by the second week of February, somebody new had caught my eye.

It was not the plan but a few niggas had caught my eye. From a light-skinned cutie at a campus radio staff party who managed to screw up my Valentine's Day with his 'ex'-gf drama to the excruciating baby-momma drama of an unavailable chocolate brotha with the sweetest, most sensitive n compassionate persona that I've ever seen. Sexual chemistry for days! Needless to say, Lover had to do him so I did me!

Even with my right arm in a sling, the world been to just shower me with excitement and I quickly shrugged off the tears for Lover. FFB (Footsie Footsie Boy) started to holla in between some fancy footwork. And so did a range of other men who were or are seemingly just interested in a fresh shag. And for that very reason, they are not worth a mention or a holla back.

Now you may wonder why there's hardly any mention of work. Honestly it was not half as exciting. Yes, I was in the thick of things, being inside the machine is nothing like being part of the machine. I'm learning all the technicalities but I really just wanna be a technicality! That's all I'm dying to do... Be on air again! So please don't think that I'm obsessed with the opposite sex coz quite the vice-versa is true... ha ha... And boy is it an ego-trippin experience...

But I'm hardly all about ego rubbing. Niggas come at a dime a dozen... Atleast that's what my head thinks... My heart is a lil more stubborn about accepting that notion.

So before FFB could up his game, Shorty entered the picture. During Lover's last days, Shorty had been an extra, somewhere in the background, quick to greet with nothing much to say. Once Lover was out the picture, Shorty quickly became a front-runner despite his dodgy pick-up lines... Out of nowhere, there was this affinity between us during the beginning of March. As much as I thought that my bleedin' heart was being provided with the best get-out-of-jail free card, I quickly realised that this convenience came with complications despite his single status.

In between his alleged ex-fling drama, psycho chick 'friends' and take-it-slow nonchalance, I struggled to figure if we were coming or going. I was also introduced to the world of delayed physical intimacy. Wow! So how do you tell if he likes you? You can't really! Well not in the typical way. Only way to say is by him spending time with you, I guess and perhaps his word. Faith, really. It's like believing in God. It's blind faith and probably the most terrifyingly naive n in depth.

My career has also been asking for some faith. A job offer has me reeling. It's a tremendous opportunity to infiltrate Marketing, an industry that I've always been fascinated in. But I'm wondering if I should pounce on it or not considering that I want to be on air! Will it be a lil detour or a blessing? I dunno. But I always figured that if an offer came through than God expects me to take it coz he provided it. He knows I wouldn't be able to say no. He knows that I wouldn't know what to do...

Short of Him talking to me... Directly... I really dunno but I'ma go with the above. It will be hard to leave but new adventures await... I was supposed to give an answer on Friday already but they have yet to furnish me with the contract terms. Plus, with the elections coming up, the interns been deployed to the newsroom after a hectic Saturday workshop which saw one of the interns, 'Alicia Keys' spit fire at the news boss, much to his disgust! It's pretty much down to eleven now.



I'm hoping that even if I leave, I'll still be granted an opportunity to go on air but what the chances... What am I losing out on here? That's the gamble! You dunno what you got til its gone...

Another possible loss could come in the form of Shorty. He ain't too happy with my attitude and demands an adjustment. I don't like to believe astrology but the claims surrounding the dynamics between an Aries man-FIRE and a Pisces woman-WATER, kinda explain why fight so much... To be contd...

Day 59: Sinful...

Today I auditioned for the newsreader position. And even went to the music committee meeting... Aah something to do... So I was glad to be a little constructive. It beats fighting the urge to pull my hair out. It beats dealing with the funny looks. It beats engaging in long-winded, unproductive skinner sessions. I'm done with that. So much so that it feels as though my brain is turning to mush.

I haven't written an article in so long. And when I do try, I only get as far as trying to apply all the stuff that I've been taught. Instead of applying the instincts of a God-given talent, I'm using my brain. A mind that's been, for the most part, jaded. I'm no longer the writer I was.... Um... Of cos I am but I'm having trouble balancing what comes easiest to me and the awesome lessons I've learnt. Price of immaturity or maybe 'WE DON'T NEED NO EDUCATION!'... Maybe somebody else's lessons are merely that... SOMEBODY ELSE'S... I mean who taught that person and the person before... Sorry I'm sounding like those philosophical stoner rebels without a cause... Not the intention... Just saying though....

Because of Shorty's unavailability, I had planned on going to a movie but he left hella late so I couldn't catch one... As I'm walking past the local watering hole, I see FFB and some other mutual acquaintances. He's keen to keep me company til nine so we hang. His plan is to blunt and get crunk... Not just coz that's what he does on a regular basis but also to lessen his hurt. His aunt aka second mom is literally on her death bed. So he's in a state plus work is hectic.... The timing couldn't be worse. And he ain't so good with sharing those kinda feelings... My heart bled for him.... Even when he was poppin pills... Dude!

I dunno hey... Where the hell am I... Where people are doing drugs... Willy nilly... Like it ain't no thing... Am I gonna become like that? Is this what they call the fast life in Jozi? I ain't keen then...

Day 54-56: Weekend tremors... Part II

This weekend, Shorty screwed up. So bad that I feel as though trusting him would be hella naive....

On Friday, we were at some event together and hotdamn did he look good. So good that he made my outfit look wack! Lol! This is crazy. Anywho, some chick in her short shorts, heels and curly-sue braids was clearly hollering at him. Pulling him by the hand. Grinding on him. Now this brought back memories of my MBA ex at the Wordsworth Party People last year. That night really changed the vibe of our thang or rather, more accurately, I woke up and finally read the 'IT'S BEEN OVER' sign. [Which would explain why I ain't keen to holla back at him coz it took me a minute to get over his stunts.] Technically, I couldn't get mad coz we were glorified friends with benefits. He couldn't or rather wouldn't deal with having a 'girlfriend' and having to be responsible for someone else's feelings' [insert a blood curdling 'HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU' here!]

So yeah, I knew as much and to see deja-vu in action in broad-daylight, I was about to have a BF for real. Armed with liquid courage, I pulled him to the side and asked him wtf with sheer vindication on the outside and sheer dread on the inside.

I half-expected him to tune that he ain't gotta explain nothin to me. He saved me the embarrassment but his dismissive reaction was equally as icy. 'Don't worry about that. That's what people do around here!'

Ya neh! Next thing, he's gone off somewhere and this new Miss Thang is also MIA! [Plus, I'm left to babysit his friend who was hella cute, might I add. Chocolate skin and all... But Shorty got me checkin for nobody else really....] My blood began to boil... Mind you, I gots to go home with this nigga.... Aaaaaargh! Typical!

When he finally returned he claimed to be getting some takeaways for his fam. I was hella sceptical.... But then he smiled at me reassuringly... And when he touched me, I melted like a gullible fool. We drove home in some Adele-fied ambience (he liked my gift, he was hella floored that I got him the album for his bday) and our parting shot was our SECOND kiss. About dam time! Lol. This is a lot of work.

The following day, the plan was to hit yet another gig but my cousin's parents' pending divorce had her in a state so she wasn't about to come out. Lil Sis figured I should tell Shorty to come get me. I hate asking for such stuff. Being the typical chic, waiting to be picked up by her man. I've never wanted my own ride so badly! Needless to say he didn't respond to my text or calls. I was livid all the way into Sunday morning when he finally called.

He had some or other excuse. And to distract me, he also mentioned how one of my fellow interns, cornered him on Saturday night, telling him that he must tell me what he really wants. Huh!? Dude! I had not even sent her. Not impressed coz I doubt it came from a genuinely compassionate space. She was on some sabotage tip. Or am I paranoid!? It's jus hella strange. Anyway... He promised to make it up to me by coming over, after dropping off his lil sister, in the afternoon.

The afternoon came and went, my excitement came and went... and during the cricket just when we thought SA was about to be handed her ass in a nail-biting Pro-20 game, he finally called or rather drunk-dialled me. Fun! And again, I couldn't be mad. Fuuuuuuuuck! But I did try state my case. He said he'd make it up to me....um...make it up to me for failing to make it up it me?! How about no more promises!? "whatever. Clearly I can't trust you." I said, hoping that I hadn't hurt him too much with such piercing words.... Can you believe it?!

I tried to be mad. I tried to state my case.
I tried.
I still feel stoopid. But I still feel him.
If its fucked, so be it. And may it end soon.

Day 54-56: Weekend tremors...

I've never been a fan of the initial stages of THE MAN-WOMAN BOOGIE, simply because everything is so fragile. It's like wearing your heart on your sleeve and hoping that your beau doesn't notice. Two reasons. You don't want him to get freaked out by any slight detection of how hectic your feelings may be. This is not Hollywood! You can't be fallin within 85 minutes. You wanna look cool but not disinterested. You wanna look interested but not psycho. It's plenty juggling. And feelings are bound to get hurt coz at the end of the day, it's a matter of two strangers attempting diplomatic romance.

Shorty takes my breathe away. As cliche as that sounds, he still makes me think before I speak and I'm irrationally worried that he can't possibly dig me at all. Never mind as much as I dig him. In my eyes, I ain't nearly as intoxicating or interesting or beautifully complex and strangely simple as he is. In fact, I don't feel like I'm good enough for him. He can do better. And I wouldn't be surprised if he figures as much. Now the rational me figures that those are clearly the crazy rhetorics of a cupid-struck loser. The Kimora in me knows that he best be in awe of me coz not many niggas are lucky enough to get this close but she says this in a rather meek n not-so-fabulous voice.

Just like a star across my sky/ Just like an angel off the page/ You have appeared to my life/ Feel like I'll never be the same/ Just like a song in my heart/ Just like oil on my hands...

It's so bad, I don't wanna be mad at him for nothing. I'm so whipped. And I'm pissed about it.

Ok anger is not a real emotion so I'm truly fearful of being so into him that when he does disappoint me, I'll hurt so bad. It'll rip at my insides and hang them on a washing line [dunno where that imagery came from...sorry].

The last time I felt this way was early last year with my ex. I was so scared of 'losing' him, I broke up with him twice to halt my over-flowing emotions. It really annoyed me! Or rather made me feel too good. So good it terrified me... If that makes sense...

Day 53: The Morning After The Night Before...

I've been meaning to discuss this but other facets of my life been rather pressing.... But here it is... Finally...

For the most part, the Thursday lectures are the highlight of my week from an academic point of view. Today, the topic of subconscious crutches perked my interest. I know I 'um' and 'er' alot. Hardly ever in general (I think) but especially on air. It's the price of being ill-prepared when you switch on that red light...

It's also the plight of my approach. I take on radio, in the same manner that I would take on writing. Raw, uneducated and hella ignorant. Now that I'm learning all these various techniques, I'm starting to wonder if I'm up to it... Perhaps even my writing skills need some refinement. I mean even the grandest of singing talents take voice-coaching lessons.

This self-doubt isn't as bad as it was a month ago but it's still as frustrating as the urge to pee. The difference between writing and radio is that the lil gems that I create can be edited and refined when doing the former but with the latter, if you flub it up once, you're done. You must get it right every time. It's no longer funny on your second attempt.

As much as I think that scripting an entire three-hour show would make things run smoother, I'm really not all that acquainted with my wit and sense of humour. I even suprise myself and laugh at myself.... [Like Weezy would say, 'I should throw myself a suprise party for every line'] 'Oh, you're hilarious', I'll say to myself... Nine times out of ten the really funny stuff is not planned and when it is, it's not nearly as ticklish. So I can't script coz my organised-humour sucks balls! Yes, I haven't tried but not the point right now!

Wait... actually, come to think of it, when I write articles, I'm hella funny... And for the most part, an article is 'planned' ie done in advance. It's not like they publish the very first draft that very day, that very moment as you write it. So maybe scripting is just lil articles in one.... Mm... I just had an aha-moment whilst typing this. With this blog, I always publish the first draft and edit it here and there. But mostly grammar and such, hardly ever chunks of text. I think a different approach maybe needed for the on-air product. Shorty figures the scripting does not have to be hella detailed. Key-words may work better. I concur. Maybe a mixture of both. Coz most of the time with scripts, whatever you plan to say, you never do. That on-air button throws you right off. But maybe in between the 'ums', I'll remember the prep and do it some justice.

Well, I'm gonna freak out, maybe I should try meditation instead....

Goodness I'm so excited about going on air soon. I'm hella keen to not only prove myself but also apply what I've learnt...

Last week, we were encouraged to research our listeners and also go figure what makes you distinct, unique, different! Everyone can back-announce, id the station and ride off a 'good radio voice' but really what makes you stand out from that 'I WANNA BE ON RADIO' crowd??!

Armed with a pen, I picked the brains of Lil Sis, Ma, my cousin, some fellow interns, Shorty and FFB (writing out 'Footsie-Footsie Boy' takes forever! Yes, I'm well-aware that the acronym amounts to BFF backwards. How appropriate. Shame that nigga is dope! Too bad he says he ain't tryna be friends coz I think we could totally be best buddies! Oh well...)

Once I got the feedback, I compared it to my own list of the things I reckon I'm good at. Um... Not many people said 'funny'. Hella disappointing. Instead straight-forward, assertive, opinionated, self-absorbed came up....
Nice... So the listeners are gonna love to hate me!

Saw Shorty yet again. We went, or rather, he went shopping again and I tagged along... but more about that later. We didn't kiss. Goodness, we didn't even hug. Like I've said before, this is like high school luvin'! I won't be suprised if we don't kiss again until next month. Ok ok I'm probably pushing it.... But I'm jus saying though...

A mutual girl friend of ours apparently hit the roof when she saw an fb message that I had sent him. She claimed me to be 'her territory' thus he should stay away. Funny coz she BEEN dating my ex on some clandestine tip. So why the hell is she catching feelings!? Actually, we long figured that she BEEN feelin Shorty for a minute... Like most psychos do... Never a dull moment in that nigga's life!

Day 51: Somethin' New...

Rosa Parks sat so that Martin Luther could walk/ Martin Luther walked so that Barack Obama could run/ Barack Obama ran so that all the children could fly/ So I'ma spread my wings/ You can meet me in the sky...

The bad news: These very lyrics nearly cost me my phone at about 10 AM today. There I was, minding my own business, tryna update my fb status but it kept bouncing back coz the words were more than 160 characters. Hella frustrating. So I had to resort to the single most annoying thing on fb... Using SMS language... But because I was so moved by the words, I didn't mind butchering them for hip hop's sake!

Lil did I know, that beyond my mini-skirt, my furious typing had attracted the attention of opportunist criminals... I couldn't have noticed them though coz I also had Jay-Z blaring in my ears... Honestly, I ignored that lil voice that warned me that I had just entered Sin City (they aren't loitering... They are dealers and working women...) so I may wanna put my valuables away... But nooooooo....!

So Mr Man aka The Hustler walks up to me and puts his arm around me. I jump and turn my head up, expecting to see a familiar face but instead I was met with a scowling face, an extended hand and a bearly audible 'Tlisa' (Sotho for- 'Gimme that')! How about no?! By the time he had demanded my phone, I had already begun reacting (screaming) to his foreign grimy arm being around my neck. By the time I realised that he was audaciously tryna jack me by asking me for MY phone as though it was HIS phone (on some Derren Brown tip), I was way too annoyed with fb's damn restrictions and now a stranger's sticky slime on my back! Oh hell no! So I walked off and so did he, empty-handed, defeated, probably wishing that I hadn't been listening to music at the moment he struck.

It wasn't until I was a few feet away from the scene that I realised what had nearly occured. Then I was freaked. Couldn't believe I still had my phone. I mean he could've just grabbed it and ran but he was probably just dying to touch me. Lol! Goodness!

Oh yeah... I should've maced his ass. Which reminds me of what a friend once said about my Mace can. When I need it most, I won't even think about it. Besides, it would've taken forever to dig into my mother of a bag to find it.

If my phone had been taken, I wouldn't be alive to write this coz my moms would've blazed my ass! She's constantly on my case about how much time I spend mucking about on my phone especially in public, shopping malls, the street. She's often prophesised that someone is bound to snatch my phone!

Ever since my first phone in Grade Nine, I haven't been able to keep a phone. They always get jacked (even the brick classic Nokia 5110 which was merely substituting for another phone which had been stolen recently), mostly because of my lack of alertness. As much as my mom would revel in being right, she'd be more pissed at my inability to do better when I know better.

Bottom line, I got away with nearly screwing up my day-off. Didn't head to work because of this Taxi Drama. Instead I tackled all the things that I haven't been able to do because of my schedule. Got my hair did. I figure if this hairstyle doesn't get me a kiss... Then nothing will. My chauvanistic hairdresser said I should let him know how things progress coz he willing to help me out for a R50 fee! How about no!? Paid the the doctor a visit- the good news... I'm officially out the sling. Shorty tried to suprise me again today. Wasn't there to enjoy it. Sucky! Maybe tomorrow!? Let's see him try resist this... Two arms, hot hair, cute ass, stellar personality... Lol... Goodness... This is beyond sad!

Day 50: Suprise Surprise...

Cause everybody knows/ That nobody really knows/ How to make it work/ Or how to ease the hurt/ We've heard it all before/ That everybody knows/ How to make it work/ I wish we gave it one more try...

I was hoping that today's blog wouldn't even sniff at Shorty. But alas... Bear with me though. This won't be as long-winded coz I'm just so deflated... Shorty suprised me by 'bumping' into me today... Even 'Alicia Keys' said we suit eachother... That was the good part... My guy friend, whom Miss Thang confided in, is convinced that I'm being played. Not-so-good part! Well, he may have the most complicated love-life, next to mine but I still respect his opinion. I'm well aware just how illogical and irrational emotions can make one, no matter how much one trusts What's-His-Face. My buddy figures that 'There's no smoke without fire!'.... After spending fifty days in the cut-throat setting of Northern Joburg, I know that not everyone is normal. They lie, cheat, steal, screw around to get their way. I also know that you can't trust anybody. Even if that somebody is highly convincing, complete with heavy emotion and threatening remarks. Everyone's on Broadway! Shorty once said he doesn't wanna confront Miss Thang coz it'll turn ugly (like her... Lol). She apparently declared that I better leave her man alone or else... 'Oh, you jus mad coz I'm stylin' on ya!...'

This all makes me think of MacBeth and how ambition turned him into a murderous monster... Is it worth it? I mean, is it worth it to bear the brunt of somebody's determination... Shouldn't I just step out the way?

Back to my point.... There's no smoke without fire? Or is there? Shorty may claim to be the victim of defamation and goodness knows that I would love to believe that with all my heart... But if he is being honest then naturally or even far-fetchedly so, it follows that Jacob Zuma really could be the victim of a heavy conspiracy...? An underground movement that is keen to see him go down. He may not have done anything, even remotely wrong. He may just have gotten in the way of a hectically motivated individual... Can life be that bizarre? Or are the facts that simple... And the truth hardly complicated... Short of calling on a Sherlock Holmes and flipping through some phone records or even Shorty's phone, I have no way of proving anything without becoming psycho myself... I only have my gut feel... Is it worth it to deal with so much drama? Juliette got herself killed coz of it...

Good dude/ Bad night/ Right place/ Wrong time/ In the blink of an eye/ His whole life changed/ If you could feel how my face felt/ You'd know how Mase felt/ Thank God, I ain't too cool for the safe belt...

Last year, Paul cheated, towards the end of our first month together. He kept it up for a few weeks. I only found out a month later. My gut failed me. Atleast that's how I felt. Cheated. Absolutely swindled. Fooled. Stoopid. Hella betrayed. All that security and validation that a woman works so hard to achieve within a relationship, all shattered. Broken as though it never ever existed. As though I had imagined it all. And in many ways, I had. It was all in my inflated head. Hubristic [New word from Grey's lol] coz I thought he was so whipped. I wasn't bothered into paying any real attention to our relationship. I didn't have to work at it much coz I felt that he couldn't be anymore impressed with my persona. Pride comes before a fall hey... Besides I was way too caught up in my job. My relationship amounted to rent-a-friend. Someone that's there to fill up the moments when you aren't working, sleeping, eating, washing up, reading... So maybe my gut didn't fail me. Maybe there was no smoke but a massive fire that I was too self-involved too notice...

I dunno... I really don't coz when I was in it, I really did feel like an active (ok maybe only 60% active) part of the relationship. Because of that balls-up, I'm a lil more cautious... I'm scared that this time, my gut may 'fail' me again. I may be so into this guy that I wouldn't recognise Deception even if he came up and dislocated my other shoulder...

Aaaaaargh! So now what?

No answers there. Footsie-Footsie Boy got a new ride and he's keen to do movies this Thursday... Complete with a ride home... Full steam ahead... I'm hella chaffed, dunno if I'll do it though... My ex has also been 'checkin on me'... Dunno hey... Moved on and moved up... Lol... My long-lost-love-from-another-life-time, Bots-Boy, who I have yet to meet, f-b'd and it turns out that he's been reading my blog... He and other folks too... I know I wrote this so that y'all could read it but really, I'm hella freaked by all the people that do take the time to read this soap-opera. Dankie baie!

I really wish work was more interesting, at the moment so that I could stop writing about men... It makes me feel so flat to be gaaning aan about one and the same subject! But it is what it is/ And the way it is/ Is kinda fucked up!

Day 48-49: Con-FUSS-ed!

Saturday was dedicated to my 'adopted' lil sis. Double score coz it would get my mind off Shorty. Especially coz she's in the middle of a pregnancy scare and we needed to get her checked. Also, needed to catch up... It's been a minute since I saw her and telephonic chats just ain't the same. Last time I saw her, she was a virgin... Now she's late. I'm not the best big sister I guess but now that things are a lil more chilled, I'ma be there especially now that she's nearly done with high school and she's tryna figure out where to go, what to do.

During the conversation, after the pregnancy tests, we discussed her PUSHER bf and how patient she has to be with him when he doesn't call because he apparently has family issues. She reckons that I should be more patient with Shorty coz I never know what's going on with him, that's got him all quiet. Imagine! This 17 year-old child giving me advice. Talk about role reversal. I WAS LESS THAN IMPRESSED TO BE TOLD, for all intensive purposes, to chase after a triflin nigga! Those six words flooding my mind, 'HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU!'... My heart hoped that the opposite was true so that I wouldn't have to start building that bridge...

I put my pride to the side... With Sade (Love is Stronger than Pride) in the background and lil one urging me on... I called him, absolutely certain that a verbal altercation would ensue... Apparently, I was so freaked that I was shaking... However, he was in high spirits, heading to the bank. 'But it's closed,' he moaned... Well duh, it's after twelve on a Saturday, Sparky!

Ok... Good news... We talking about everyday stuff... Bad news... We talking as though things been normal since Thursday... So I broke the ice by saying just how suprised I am that he's cool coz he's been giving me the silent treatment. He in turn, mentioned his phantom text from Thursday night which he says was sent at the same time that mine came in. He even thought that my text was a replying to his.

The double texting must have screwed with the matrix coz I never got his text. Which is hella sucky coz I've been hating him for two days. Imagine if I hadn't heeded the counsel of a teenager.... He resent the text which contained an apology for being 'an idiot', he just doesn't feel like company when he is pissed! He also aired some grievances. He feels like 'I want him to do things that I want him to do'! I really don't get that so I'm gonna ask when I see him... But I guess I gotta cool it on the Miss Independent tip.... So I'ma compromise... I'm glad that we sorted stuff out coz I'm keen to spoil him for his birthday, which is in a week. Who knows, I might even get a kiss out of it... Actually, at this rate, I'll be lucky to get a handshake...

Day 47: It Doesn't Rain, It Flash-Floods!

Oh you're the reason why I'm thinking/ I don't wanna smoke on these cigarettes no more/ I guess that's what I get for wishful thinking/ Shoulda never let you enter my door/ Next time you wanna go on and leave/ I should just let you go on and do it/ It's not amusing like I believe...

It may have been the end of the week but Friday was not about to go out quietly. In fact, Friday the 13th was a week late and fiercer than it's ever been.

Not only was my direct Rosebank taxi taken off the rank coz there were hardly any people to take it but once in the Alex taxi, it took us over half an hour to get onto the highway because of some or other Metro Police detour! Good times!

Not that I'm condoning the measures that Taxi-drivers resort to in order to not 'waste' time but really if it wasn't for those 'reckless' offenders, I'd get to work, much much later. Well, today we got one of the conservative, ol fashioned types with countless peek-a-boo's of grey on his head. This driver was not tryna break the law so I took the time to catch up on some sleep... While the other passengers, called in late.

Once in Joburg, I could see a mother of a cloud hanging over Sandton City. Funny coz the highway was only partly cloudy with some sunshine, creating one hella false sense of security for the me and my naked calves!

The script-writer/director finally cued the rain. And I mean rain! One moment it was sunny, the next it was hailing hard. So hard that water was splashed into the taxi when a car drove past. That's when many wished they had called in sick instead. Couldn't believe the amount of water. Visibility was to the minimum and getting off the taxi was like crossing a river. As much as I have been ignoring 'The Inconvenient Truth', can't help but reckon that we experienced the price of Global Warming...

By the time we got to my stop, the rain had stopped and the risk of flash-floods had greatly subsided. In less than thirty minutes. But it was way after nine! Luckily I'm currently in a lax department. Nobody raised an eyebrow.

I tried not to think about what's-his-face but my crappy morning had spun me straight into a messed up mood, compounded by his stubbornness and lack of compassion! So I was hella sad especially when I was recounting last night's events to 'Rihanna'. Oh, I think it's officially over between Lover and me. We haven't communicated all week basically. So I'm pretty much single, for real, for real. Maybe Shorty trippin is a good thing... I can get my focus back. Men are stoopid! I've decided! Here I am... Fighting love again... Oh well... I'll be fine. This isn't a first. Men BEEN stoopid. The next one just better be less stoopid!