Day 47 - 88 : Three Words...I Got You...

Often when I take forever to blog about whatever..its cos, I'm a lil outta sorts... I dunno what to say.. before it would be because I really was in two worlds about my feelings for Cutie.. and now... I'm just really overwhelmed.. and at the risk of repeating myself and gushing about how good he makes me feel... I decided to chill on the blogging...twas feeling hella gay...and OTT..and surreal...

But I love to write so I feel bad when I don't... especially coz I missed my bday.. .and the big move to Joburg...yes, I moved out my mom's crib.. I'm officially independent...except I gots no furniture and I feel like I be living in a cave.. seriously, it echoes when I'm on the phone..that's how quiet and hollow it is.. lol...

Back to the blog title... sometimes or even all the time... life seems to steer you in a certain direction...you see, hear things that I believe are meant to open your eyes or even make you aware of a different or even current perspective that you may not be acknowledging as well as you should...

goodness..that's sounds hella confusing... what I'm tryna say is...

There's a reason why the thought of Cutie makes my eyes water and that it scares me so much... there's a reason why he still makes me nervous and that I'd do anything to impress him.. there's a reason why I'm so overwhelmed and so in love...even though we're nine months deep... and I may not get all these reasons...

But the universe does and because I'm aching for answers..and well, sometimes, answers dont literally rain down from heaven... they come in soft, lil messages... and here we are... dissecting those...

I'm currently reading a book called "Committed" by the same chick that wrote "Eat, Pray, Love"... it's proving to be hella eye-opening... as it tackles the concept of marriage from the point of view of a heavy cynic who's also a divorcee...

so it's addressing all the questions I had...and all the doubts that I hadn't even managed to put into words... now that's a blog for another day...

not to long ago...we saw Dear John... Channing Tatum's latest flick about love during war times... yet another sob story for another day... i cried right through the movie as I recounted all the similarities between this work of fiction and our lives...

in this flick... the leading couple fall in love, basically at first sight (just like us)... it takes the guy a while to truly open up and be comfortable round the girl(just like Cutie)... the girl is close friends with a guy with an autistic kid (my brother also has development issues, although not as hectic as autism)... she sacrificed her happiness to help out her friend by marrying him when he got cancer so that his son would be looked after (For the longest time, Cutie was dealing with his ex gf, M and her unemployment situation and family problems... even though he wanted to break up with her, he wouldn't allow himself to "abandon" her...) The guy has to go way to war, a reference is made to a year (Cutie is going away for a year)... she wants to be a teacher to young kids (i'm a Sunday school teacher-liove kids!)...they send eachother love-letters (Cutie and I email/text all the time...)..they never said goodbye-it was always "see ya later" or something liek that (Cutie and I, always say later..i hate goodbyes!)...he shared things with her that he had never shared with anybody else and vice-versa (same with us, he's like my BFF lol)...they wanted to get married and have kids... (ditto!)

*tearing up*

Then there's the blog title... sometimes when you're in love, songs speak to you... in this instance Leona Lewis' new single "I Got You" took me, shook me and screamed at me...

The reason being that the three words that Cutie loves to use when he's saying goodbye are exactly that... he'll say 'I got chu neh..." and I'll smile completely reassured that he got me...

and now that he's about to go on his sabbatical... from everything including me... (oh gosh! sorry...yet another story for another day) Leona Lewis' words are even that much more heart-rending...

'Cause this is love and life
And nothing we can both control
(I got you)
And if it don't feel right
You're not losing me by letting me know
(I got you)

Go ahead and say goodbye
(Say goodbye)
I'll be alright

Go ahead and make me cry
I'll be alright
And when you need a place to run to
For better, for worse, I got you

so here I am, trying not to try... well, slightly comforted by the words to this song..coz really its ok..coz whatever happens.. I got him too...

and then there are times when I feel like I dont deserve him in my life... like its way too much good fortune..like Joss Stone put it.. I'm feel spoiled... cant even imagine my life without him... can't deal with him being away... just wanna get started on forever...

I'm spoiled
By your love boy
No matter how I try to change my mind
What's the point it's just a waste of time
I'm spoiled by your touch boy
The love you give is just too hard to fight
Don't want to live without you in my life
I'm spoiled

I tried to tell myself that I'd be over you in a week or two
But baby that was 'bout a year ago
I've never seen the word love so personified as I do with you
And that is why I just can't let go, oh no



Spoil me

And I would only be fooling myself if I tried to
Believe there's room for someone else in my heart
There ain't no way I'm getting over you
I don't know what I've been trying to prove
I'm hopeless, helpless when it comes to you

Day 41 - 46: Blog Challenge - Ten Things I Love about You

As you know, I've been threatening to complete this blog challenge for the past few weeks now... It took forever because I figured I couldn't do it in a hurry... Coz this is very close to my heart... well, today, right this moment, I've decided that everything can wait...


I walked in this morning to find a bunch of red roses and a box of chocolates on my desk..no card...no clue... I was genuinely surprised and my Monday was no longer blue... Cutie wasn't even on my radar coz in the run up to the Valentine's Day weekend, he was adamant about "not believing" in Vday...

So imagine my shock when I called him and he admitted that he was behind the lovely surprise on my desk... so here I am... completely and utterly keen to do this...coz I have one more very big thing to add to this list....

...10 things I love about Cutie... to Cutie...

1. I love your smile... so I make a point of making you smile/laugh all the time... coz you're so beautiful when you're doing it... I love contributing to your happiness...
2. I love the way you hold me close and send butterflies all over my body... every single time. I could never tire of holding your hand....
3. I love the way you kiss me... so gently and genuinely... and tenderly... I swear my lips were made for yours...
4. I love the way you are so caring and considerate..pretty much the exact opposite of me...you've made me want to be a better person... I wanna measure up to you...
5. I love the way you love your family...especially your sisters and mother... it's hella comforting...
6. I love the way you love your lil nephew... I love kids...um..I'll leave it there...
7. I love the way that you're able to stand up to me..balls of steel...what a MAN!
8. I love how childish you can be...completely idiotic..
9. I love the way you can be in the moment...
10. I love your desire to be bigger, better, bolder..the good way..via hardwork and such... it's motivating....
11. I love the way you always got my back, you never put me down.. you're so gentle and kind...
12. I love your sheer sexiness..omg! Nuff said!
13. I love the way you get all shy about your good looks… and compliments in general…
14. I love all of you! from your bitten finger-nails to your Denzel Washington 'fro..wouldn't change you for nothing...even though you look ten-times hotter clean cut (and who thought that was possible)
15. I love how you've accepted me for being brash, rude, cold and just wack at times..and you love me still...
16. I love how you'll pay attention and take my opinion in and still disagree with me..lol...
17. I love it when you say exactly what I'm thinking and vice-versa... or better yet, we'll say the same thing at the same time...
18. I love it when you call me/text me... at the same time as me or just as I was about to do it...
19. I love how you'll check on me and ask "u ok"?
20. I love how I can tell when something is bugging you..and then I'll have to basically drag the truth out of you..and then once you've told me... you'll feel slightly better..
21. I love being there for you...
22. I love you for letting me in...
23. I love that you still make me nervous... and gimme butterflies..after nearly a year...
24. I love that I love you more today then I ever did... and it just keeps growing...
25. I love looking into your eyes..and feeling the love...
26. I love thinking about you..and feeling the glow...
27. I love your daily texts/calls/mails...
28. I love that I don’t think that I deserve you..and the daily incredulity that surrounds the concept of “us”…
29. I love the fact that you know how to keep surprises... I could learn that too...
30. I love the way you say "I love You"..when I least expect it..when you mean it most..

so that wasn't quite ten..times that by three in fact.. and I'm sure there's much more..but for now...I'll leave it there... coz my insides feel like they've just mushed into one big potjie kos..gross...lol

Day 35 - 40: Blog Challenge - Random Meme

Here we go again... it's another blog challenge... from last week actually...hektik weekend...but I will get this out...and I really want to do the "10 Things I Love about You"..especially in light of Valentine's Day...but before we get ahead of ourselevs..here's the Random Meme...

If I could sing, I would learn how to play the piano asap! And entertain guests with various Alicia Keys renditions...

In my kitchen cupboard lies a half-eaten box of Ceerios.. they are hella sweet, especially when floating in milk. I'm not as enthusiastic anymore.


On my desk is a reminder that I need to tidy up!

Image in my head -Cutie and I living happily ever after...


In the middle of my to do list is a profile that I should have completed a while ago. Oh and plenty emails that I've been meaning to respond to.


I am dreading Cutie's sabbatical. I'ma miss him like crazy. I wonder if I'll be disciplined enough not to fall into temptation.

Right now I want to respond to all my starred emails. The was done first coz it's the most fun and doesn't feel like work...

I think that moving to Randburg is gonna make me a fully-fledged adult..possibly very broke as well.

Going to sleep seems like a very good idea right now. Can't deal with that to-do list..but I must.. HELP!

Day 28-34: One Week of Hell and Minimum Bliss...

Getting my drivers license proved to be a major highlight from last week. It happened on a Tuesday and by Thursday, things were already pear-shaped at work... I was having to learn that life can be hella unfair and that, that trusted adage still applies- its not about what you (can) do, it's about who you know....

Cue Kanye.... Wait til I get my money right.... At this stage of my career, I can't call in favours yet... Not that I roll like that but the world does so adapt or die?

I'd rather concentrate on what I can fix and change... Working hella hard to find accommodation near work so that I don't have to sit in traffic all morning... I'm hoping that I'll be able to spread my wings once I'm living in Joburg. Hopefully get started on that book...

So my work week pretty much sucked and then the weekend came and that was just filled with its own fair share of wtf!? On Friday, it was pouring and Cutie left early, much to my disappointment. Fridays are our thang...ya know... Then Saturday happened... Had an early shoot. Went shopping. Laid my eyes on the dopest kicks ever... The kind that Cutie would love... My heart said get them. My head reminded me that Cutie would probably not accept a random pair of shoes even if I had the perfect words to go with it... Such as... "new shoes for a new journey"... Cue the Johnny Walker sting- "Keep Walking"... But I got ahead of myself as usual... Not only did I not remember what size shoe he wears, I didn't wanna blow my cover so I got him size 8's- firstly coz they didn't have 7's in stock plus... If worst comes to worst- I have a brother and plenty male cousins... One of them surely wears an 8...

I got home n passed out... Driving can be hella exhausting... Especially as a newly licensed driver during my first weekend out with the car... woke up close to midnight. Woke up to my periods, missed calls, texts that couldn't come through coz of a lack of memory... Imagine the sheer irritation when Cutie said that he was not gonna see me despite being in the area. On top of that- turns out that he wears a size 7 Adidas and size 8 Nike... Let's jus say I didn't buy Nikes... I was hella unimpressed. So unimpressed that I needed a distraction bad... So we get ready to go out... As I'm leaving the parking space, I scrapped the car-door on my side against the concrete pillar... Twas hella surreal... What the hell am I gonna tell my mom?

Thank goodness for those new kicks that I "got" my brother... That should soften the blow... Man I hope they fit....well, they did! I guess that says a lot about my brother's genetics compared to Cutie's..lol! anyway....

Day 25 - 27: Blog Challenge- Home is where the Heart is...

I've been meaning to do a Blog Challenge coz I'm hella sick of writing about my train-smash of a love-life. And I'm sure my followers (if they're still reading this drivel)are keen to see some variety in the new year. I missed the "Back at School" one which I really wanted to do but as usual procrastination got the best of me... and by the time I knew it, another Blog Challenge email had hit my inbox and I didn't get around to that one either...

The vicious cycle stops today.. in fact I blame my never-ending to-do (of things I never get to do) list on my Joburg mentality.

Yes, on the surface, Jozi comes across as the city of dreams where ambitions become reality... but truth is, this is the one place that is crawling with distractions. From meetings to events to lunch to movies to art galleries to fkin Gold Reef City (does anybody still go there ??!!!)

I'm a Pretoria girl at heart even though I basically spend all day in Jozi at work (and four hours on the highway in traffic).

I remember when we first arrived in Pretoria, I never thought we'd ever get around without getting lost. Especially in the CBD! And now , I'm so fond of Cap City Rap City because not only did I fall in love with hip hop over there, I also grew up there. Memories for dayssss.... especially in my green maid's outfit aka the Pretoria High School for Girls summer uniform. Plus how beautiful is it when Spring has bloomed and the Jacaranda flowers have brightened up the streets... It's so picturesque that you can't help but forget about the mess they make under your shoes...

I'm also in love, absolutely in love with Cape Town, Port Elizabeth, Durban... I just love the South African coastline. It smells different down there..sweeter, kinder, refreshing...

But there's only one city that I dream of visiting all the time despite the terrorist threats...my passion and sheer need to visit New York could possibly just be the result of some clever marketing.. either way I'm sold...

Jay-Z and Alicia Keys have cemented my "Empire State of Mind".

Day 06-24: Five Stages of Grief

When I'm nervous, I bite my nails. As I type this, my left thumb nail is in my mouth, scrapping up against one of my top front-teeth. The only reason why I have yet to nibble through it, is simple really. I hate, absolutely despise, the way my fingers look once I've demolished my nails. So I'd rather not. Even though I have every reason to...

This week has possibly been the best and worst week all wrapped in one... Tuesday was good as I got my drivers license... Finally. Truth is I've lost count as to how many times I've had to take a driving test. Think I lost count at five. And in all honesty, I'd rather not recount all those failed attempts. Getting my drivers was like getting my degree. Unbelievable freedom! Feel like I'm growing up... FAST!

Anybody that has conscious been through growing-pains knows that they are almost never pleasant. And in order for the good to feel half as awesome then you gotta have some bad times to supplement that. And boy did I get my fair share of shit this week. Let me indulge in some self-pity for a sec...

On my return from my one-day leave on Wednesday, I drove to work and got stuck in the worst kinda Pretoria-Joburg traffic. The kind that makes you wish so desperately that you lived in Joburg. Goodness knows, I've been looking for accomodation near work and now that I can drive my car legally, I can widen my geographical search for a Jozi home.

Well, all this home-hunting has to take place in between work. Now before I could get carried away, I was unfortunately stuck in traffic.So I wasn't gonna go far for a while. If anything, I was only succeeding in annoying my superior. Well, to be honest, she was annoying me with nonsensical emails about my tardiness (complete with my boss copied). So rich coming from the queen of african time!

However, that's no excuse for being late. I accept that. But bitchy emails do nothing to ease the congestion on the N1 North highway. Don't even get me started on my frustration. Unless I can learn how to drive like a taxi-driver, there's no way, I can get to work on time and avoid the clogging up of my inbox... So until I've moved to Jozi, I don't think that I'll be on time for work anytime in the near future especially with the never-ending rainy weather and continuous construction on the road. She'll jussss have to be strong!

Still on the subject of exasperating motha-truckers... Oh my gosh... Traffic is bitch. Bumper-to-bumper aint no joke. It's hella tiring. After all that driving, I wanna get to work and have a power nap! I need a place fast!

Meanwhile, the adventures of Kp and Cutie are feeling more and more like the five stages of grief. And I may have mentioned this before but it feels like we're about to reach a climax... I caught the season premiere of Grey's Anatomy today. And everybody was beat up over George's death. Meredith, the narrator, spoke of Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and finally Acceptance...

After hanging out with Cutie on Friday, I felt the way I usually felt after a typical night out with him. I felt more in love (can't believe that's still possible). I felt closer to him. I felt more heart-break at having to part ways. An overwhelming sadness...

As the five stages of grief we're discussed on Grey's, I automatically equated their loss of George, to mine. The loss of us, of Cutie. I've often thought that the only way to really get past this is to deal with it like death. Coz death leaves you with no options. Eventually, you must accept and carry on.

With a(n amicable) break-up, you may circle around various stages of grief, before you actually suck it up and get over it. How many times have I been in denial? Explaining and excusing his behaviour even when he was hella deceitful. Here I am, loving him more that ever. I've also been angry more times than I care to remember. But I don't believe in anger so more accurately, it was how I dealt with feelings of rejection, being ashamed and feeling like I'm not good enough. I lashed out... And once I had calmed down, I began to bargain it out in my head. The feelings of wanting him near, would not go away so instead of dealing with it, I excused it all and figured that it wouldn't be that bad to hang out and lo and behold, like clockwork, we always picked up where we left off... And now that he's determined to take on 2010, without me by his side, in the quest to be "the man that I deserve"... He's left me so sad. It reminds me of when I was 17 and I was crazy about this guy that had a girl. He cheated with me and within weeks, deserted me. By that time, I was hooked. And I cried for months, way into my first year of varsity...

This Cutie Depression brings good news and bad news. Now that I'm at this stage, I'm clearly or theoretically getting closer to accepting the situation. On the other hand, there could be months of tears ahead especially if the past few months are anything to go by! Either way, I wish 2010 would fly by...

Day 01 - 05 : 2010- The Year of the Hustler

I realise that as per 2008, I let my life become my work during the second half of last year. I almost cared too much. Don't get me wrong.. I have learnt soooo much about TV production in the past six months and I'm at a place that I had not even dreamt of - both behind and in front of the camera... But that came at a price. Not that I regret it much I mostly regret not documenting that journey...

But even if I had had the time to do so... I doubt I would've been able to capture it the way I would have preferred to. Simply because my mind has been on Cutie 24/7 when it was not on work. Even when I was supposed to be working, I found myself drifting. Fortunately I also learned how to use work to get my mind of the drama of Kp and Cutie.


Well,that never-ending love-story may has finally had its curtain-call. It may not be the final one but it will probably be a while til Cutie and I are back on-stage together again. The last couple of weeks saw us fall soooo madly in love. In reality, we had always been in love but this time we admitted to ourselves out loud! It was so good! But then reality came a knocking and our fairy-tale was dashed by him insisting that he needs a year to get away from all the drama. All of it.Including me.

And as much as I wanted to be part of the solution, truth is I am very much apart of his drama-infested life. Granted I was the best part but he needs the space. And as much as I keep crying, I know it's only right that he finds himself without me clogging his mind-space. Coz I only want his happiness... Happiness with me would be a bonus.. but he's such an awesome person, he deserves to find it... like they often say.. it's gonna get much worse before it gets much better...

In his head, we'll reunite and be able to fully be together in a year's time... I'm not so sure. Coz working on a daily live celebrity show has taught me that a year is a long time. Each day is so hectic in TV-land that it feels like an entire week! Anyway, I've let him go.. I'm letting him go..civilly with his best interests at heart..it's not like I had a choice.. he's hella determined...so I'ma let him d it and see what happens..if anything, he'll realise how much he misses me. So I'ma give him the space to ache with the feeling of "need"! Lol! Seriously! He actually had the audacity to say that he hopes that I won't hook up with a random in order to get over this. I was like but dude, it's the easiest way...


Anyway.. so now I'm tryna figure how I'll keep my mind off him during the next 365 days... coz when I wasn't working, I was working him..lol..so now what?! I need a fierce distraction! Dr Phil would suggest sitting in my bad feelings til I have resolved them. Sure! What fun! Let's do exactly that! What don't kill you, only makes you stronger, right?


I have major plans for this year so that should keep me busy... and everytime I wanna holla at him, I'll be sure to do sit-ups instead! I wanna give radio another shot... take tV to another level.. push the KMS brand..get my dam drivers license..get my own crib ie move out.... it's gonna be major... and oh yes... get over Cutie!