Day 297-304: Where Do Palpitating Hearts go? Part II

He had stepped out of the car and he had left his phone behind. Before this, I would never had gone through his phone but he occasionally goes through mine and I needed to see that him and M were really just friends. So I went to his inbox.

All these I LOVE YOU messages from some number saved under some weird name... Let's call it A. For a while, I stopped breathing as I quickly scanned though the texts... Lots of them. So many that it was a while til I say my name and mind you, I had texted him last night. There were so many lovey-dovey texts I got the feeling that he had to be responding or even initiating chats of a similar fashion. I quickly checked his Sent Items and there wasn't a shred of evidence. Very strange. Maybe he doesn't save his outgoing messages. Or maybe he just has much to hide. Either way, its just dodge. I have the exact same phone and all my messages are automatically saved with lil to no memory issues.

So I checked his outgoing calls and he had called A just 30 minutes before all this. I took the number and called it off my own phone after changing my settings to private number. So brat answered the phone. I figured that to be M's cheeky, disrespectful lil brother. His name must be A. He confirmed it but he wouldn't let me speak to M without me giving him a name first. I was on the verge of tears, gasping for air, so I stopped begging him and hung up.

I put Cutie's phone back in its original spot and tried to remain calm as my head spun. Cutie took forever to come back. It felt like forever. But it was probably only five minutes. I was even able to call P and sob into the phone and even calm myself. Tears only came when I spoke about it. By the time he had returned, I was calmer.

But he still took one look at me and knew that something was wrong. I couldn't even look at him. And I swear that my supper was creeping its way up my throat. Gross. I felt ill. I had the shakes. My heart was beating fast and my stomach was performing sommersaults. Not cool. I jus wanted to run at that point. Run far away. Pretend that I don't know.

He stepped out again. This time he took his phone. And that's when I knew that he knew that I knew. When he returned, I remained quiet except for when I was talking to P on the phone, tryna find out where she is so that I can tell her what just transpired.

I had so much to say to him but no words came out. My head was flooded with his betrayal. I needed to forget. So bad. No such luck hence why I'm awake at 04.12. Well, as soon as P heard the story, she was all for me calling her and getting the facts. I was too shaken to call. My voice was trembling and so was my body... In 30 degree celcios heat. For those few minutes I was a freak of nature.

So P called her. No bratty answer on the other end. M answered and after a brief explanation that Cutie is a colleague that P thinks is cheating- M was ready to talk. Although I have a feeling that she wasn't telling the entire truth as far as the depths of her relationship with him.

Discrepancy 1:
M stays in the West, not the South.
Discrepancy 2:
M says that her and Cutie are best friends. This is news to me.
Discrepancy 3:
M was sick with an ulcer not a gynea infection. He told me that's what she had.
Discrepancy 4:
M says that she hasn't seen Cutie in a week. He told me he was with her last night, dropping off meds.
Discrepancy 5:
M says that Cutie has been dating N for three years since tertiary. He's never mentioned an N and if I hadn't seen it on the pharmacy bill, I would've been even more shocked.

So now what? He missed called me at about 23.30. I was sleeping at that time. Fortunately. P's conversation with M took place just before 20.30. I'm sure M told him about the 3rd Degree. He had three hours to cook up a story. Now we wait. Coz I really don't know what to say to him. And I hate that he has forced me to play "CHEATERS" and policeman! And yet I'm hoping for an explanation but I know that's not possible. And now, I just feel like vomiting, throwing up all my bad feelings.

Day what???

***I don't even know which day we on anymore but I have finally blogged... will try again tomorrow... I think if I keep it shorter... I'll get more out... coz there'll be no pressure to be comprehensive... hopefully it makes sense....***

It's been a crazy few weeks... I mean when is it not?! So I've gone through a range of emotion. From humiliation to disgust to hate to sheer depression... I would say anger but we all know that's not a real emotion... I couldn't have hated Cutie even if I wanted to. Even after all this time. Goodness knows that he's rejected me enough times to warrant some sort of dislike. But I couldn't even manage that. Well, not in the sense that made me love him any less or care any less. Instead I'd have moments when I'd wish that I'd never met him. Coz the "outta sight outta mind" concept was not working out so well.

So I took to forgetting the way any other nigga would. No, not narcotics. Or even alcohol. And food really don't work for me when I'm sad. And I can only have so much chocolate. My drug of choice is male affection and attention. So I started dating some other niggas who were willing, very willing... Desperately willing, to provide everything that Cutie was failing to. I jumped at the opportunity. Dude... And it was a complete bonus that he got jealous and all weird about my swift method of moving on. As Miss Jackson would say

"You dunno watchu got til it's gone..."

A part of me will admit that my heart was hoping for that sorta reaction but in my head it made no difference. There was no way that I could ever be with him again, after he had betrayed my trust like that. No matter how he explained it or how much I hoped, truth is his ex girlfriend had been apart of our pseudo-relationship since the very beginning... So what do we have, really?! What I thought we had was broken into a million lil pieces and seriously how can you even begin to fix what never existed. And that trust and friendship on which I so heavily depended upon turned out to be no friendship at all... Because of zero honesty... Dude! I couldn't even look at him coz in my mind, he was no friend of mind.

And yet my heart continued to feel for him and I wondered if I couldn't just work around this. Still be his friend even though he made for a shitty one... But we all know my heart was just seeking out a way to make him see the light.... Which is "I can be your friend and your lover... The best you've ever had"... That reverse-psychology bullshit. This made me feel sadder. Like seriously. The guy has been lying to you forever and yet you still wanna be there.... Clearly I was going through my own haphazard DABDA! Plently DENIAL... the concept of not being good enough manifesting itself as ANGER.... We also tried some BARGAINING much to my annoyance... Just coz I didn't wanna lose him and I desperately wanted this to work coz starting again with somebody else didn't appeal to me if anything, it exhausted me. Made me never wanna fall again coz it's just way to painful. But didn't I deserve better... And you only get better once you've put in the effort... As my mom likes to say... Good things come to those who wait...

I then went through a stage when I was hella sad... Guess you could call it mild DEPRESSION... Ironically enough, I would plummet into the depths of it when I was with another dude... When these new dudes would kiss me... I would automatically pretend they were Cutie just so I could get through it.... But it was not the same. It was not him. No matter how how hard I tried or how hard I wished. It was still some random. Or worse, some sexual hit. Made me feel cheap with my emotions and mostly made me feel like a user. Like two wrongs don't make a right so karma is sure to make me pay.

Hence this final stage of ACCEPTANCE. I'm still in love with him. And kissing him the other night, after all these months, confirmed that. Coz this time, when we kissed, I wasn't picturing anybody else. It was where I've wanted to be. And here I was... Yay! This also means accepting that I can't make out with random niggas to forget him or to numb my hurt, my pain, my frustration... I have to deal with it.... Either be with it or get over huh... Either way, I'm required to do it without hurting somebody else plus it don't feel as good. It never will. And I'll keep looking for the high by doing more and more hectic things when really, he's the only one that can fill me up with what I'm really craving. Him.
Whether we hook up or not, the truth has made me be okay with needing him and not being over it. What's meant to be will be so I gotta jus stop fighting love... And jus be.

Day 121-127: Kiss My Swag

That's my new term. I've officially replaced "kiss my ass" with "kiss my swag". Simply in the interest of discharging the eeuuw factor.
And best of all it got published on URBANDICTIONARY.COM coz that's how much I rock... lol... and if you don't like it... you can KISS MY SWAG!

So here are the definitions if you still lost...

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Kiss%20My%20Swag

1. Kiss My Swag 1 thumb up A modern alternative to kiss my ass. A sarcastic comment said by those that are on the hustle and receive madd luv or madd hate for it.
Ignant Hater: I like your Lambo and all but it would look better if it was white....

Mandy: Negro please. Kiss my swag!
Ignant Hater bending over: just saying though...
Clueless Groupie: oh my gosh Jigga, I totally love that DOA joint.
Jay-Z: Go on and kiss my swag then!
Clueless Groupie: Oh my gosh! Totally!
kiss my ass fuck off whatever oh please so what
by KP-Spears Jun 6, 2009 share this

For all those that prefer to be brief and excel at text language... how's this for convenient...

http://kms.urbanup.com/4026570

2. KMS
An acronym for Kiss My Swag.
Stoopid Girl: I like your music and all but I think you need Soulja Boy on the hook...
Talib Kweli: Girl please. KMS!
Stoopid Girl, dragging on her gum with her talons: Nigga you ain't shit!

Dick Rider: Dude them kicks are too fresh!
The Man: You know This! KMS!
kiss my ass fuck off whatever oh please so what
by KP-Spears Jun 7, 2009 share this

So yeah... it appears as though that's what I been plotting for the past week. Honestly, it's the most interesting occurence. Everything else is same old. Except I met some dope Americans today. And even the most delish 20 year-old. Yeah, I might be pining for Paul... mm.. I should get some help. More about that later...

STOP THE PRESSES!

ok ok... I know how this is gonna look... but really I had no clue until I googled for a cool image by using the exact term "Kiss My Swag" like I would usually do for any of my posts...
Guess what pops up...
Like the worst damn nightmare outta the pits of hell...
CIARA
Lyrics for fuckin KISS MY SWAG from her recent album Fantasy Ride.

Imagine my embarrassment.
I wouldn't know this coz really I don't listen to Ciara but who's gonna believe that! It really is what it is. I look like I bit something when really I just had the same idea. Why would I floss about coming up with it if I knew that it was not really my own and somebody was bound to pick it up coz they are dodge enough to buy that album.

Anywho... long tale short, I only really feel bad that she came up with it first. So much for being original and creative. And now I'ma have to say great minds think alike. Mm... I looked at her lyrics and really you can tell from my examples that I made it up... well sorta.You can't really go to the moon with the definition. It's pretty much the cooler version of kiss my ass! And we all know what that means!

I don't think that I'ma stop using it. Coz I just think it's that dope! Believe what you want! Bt if you've read this blog, you know I don't lie. Ait. I believe in truth and that;s why I'm sharing this stoopid story. Really... SOML. (Story of My Life.)

so I guess I inadvertantly kissed her swag in this instance. Goodness, not happy about that!

I'm a writer NOT a biter! for myself and others.

Just sorry that I'm making some people swallow their props.. people liked it. So if they didn't even know about this damn song... how can I be expected to?!
Coz I work in radio?! Nigga please! KMS!

Besides I'd rather correct myself instead of hve some dumbass get on a high horse and finally have a reason to tune me shit.

But maybe, just maybe, great minds think alike. And maybe I should give Ciara a chance. And maybe it's ok to have the same ideas. They all do come from the same Script-Writer. Plus everything happens for a reason... so let's look to the bigger picture. It's all in the execution at the end of the day. So I'm use it the way I had planned. And if you don't like it, you can simply KISS MY SWAG!

Day 108-111: Shut Up, Just Shut Up Shut Up...

Back in high school, I dated some triflin' niggas. Popular but hella dodge tertiary guys who would cheat on me. And my fellow female pupils would be more than happy to let me in on my boyfriends' indiscretions. Coz that's how real it would get in high school. Women-on-women violence. But they would be the first to hook up with him straight afterwards despite his shady track-record. Or worse still, these girls would knowingly hook up with dude even though they knew he was unavailable...

I wish I could take the moral high ground in comparison to my boyfriends. But nah... I was only slightly better because I kept my indiscretions a secret. I never got bust. So not only did their cheating give me a legit reason to get out of a disastrous pseudo-relationship that was only wasting my (air-)time, but it also made me look like the poor victim. Aargh shame for me. In my mind, it didn't really matter what the situation really was... as long as dude felt bad and I came out smelling like roses. There really was no reason for me to tell dude that while he was messing around, so was I... It's fine. Let him think he's a piece of shit cheat. No skin off my nose coz he been a piece of shit. I won't lie, I would get upset. Mostly out of embarrassment and humiliation. Egocentric B.S that would not let me help him downplay his guilt... In fact, let's not tarnish my good image... I figured it's always better to appear to be the victim instead of the wrong-doer. Nobody likes the wrong-doer... Plus, I couldn't begin to have dude look at me the same way that I looked at him... Yeah... Like a piece of shit cheat! Lol!

All these experiences taught me one thing. Don't ever be naive enough to think that whatever you're doing on the down-low is not being done by your significant other. That's how karma works ... So it's a big deal for me to be involved and not cheat. A sorta growth and maturity of sorts. But with so many opportunities to do so, I'm sure that Shorty is facing extensive temptation of his own on the daily... Now we don't all go through the same rite of passage, so goodness knows if he been resisting.

Hence my sheer reluctance to trust a nigga. Even the one I'm seeing. Especially when he keeps fueling my paranoia... On Friday, he ignored my calls and texts. The following morning, he tried to feed me some cock-n-bull story about his phone dying. Like honestly. I was not having it. I hate being lied to but what I hate more is an apology that is accompanied by a lie. Yho! That grates my tits. What's also bad is how I've told him before if something is going on- tell me. Don't make me wait like a crazy person. Or worse- don't fuck up and think you can fix it in the morning!?

So you think I'm gullible and stoopid?! Fine. Then leave me alone in my gullibility n stoopidity coz I really ain't gotta deal with this shit.

I wonder will Shorty n I ever go a mere seven days without fighting? It's becoming such a drag. I hate repeating myself to a grown man as though I'm involved in dog-training. Oh hell no! I really dunno what can fix this but my head ain't over there right now. I gots a show in the early hours of Monday morning. Another reason why I'm so annoyed. This nigga is fucking with my focus... I should just knock him out like Charles Hamilton. His inconsideration shows jus how self-involved he is. Like dude... The world does not revolve around you! And maybe that's been my fault... You write a coupla posts about dude, he begins to feel and act as though he rules your world. F-off!

Well, I'm obviously peeved. But like I been saying, anger ain't a real emotion. I'm hella disappointed and disheartened. And I hate to say it, especially after the other day... A part of me has to laugh at that though... How fuckin unoriginal... A nigga trippin afterwards... Well that's what you get huh... Oh well... Dirt off my shoulder!

As much as I mean that... I realise that this is merely the price of caring for somebody. You become vulnerable to being hurt. Like I just heard on Grey's... Making friends makes for another loss along the way...

On to something a lil more constructive... I'm beginning to feel those nerves again, even though my show is like twelve hours away. I so need to bring it this time... Here's to some good post-show news!

Day 46: Really now?! Really... No... Seriously!?

It's funny how just when you are attempting to avoid Drama... She comes knocking at your door in a pair of cheap heels, a mop of plastic hair, a face plastered with unflattering make-up... 'Loud as a motor-bike but couldn't bust a grape in a fruit fight' Looking like a trashy, hot, ghetto mess! It's nasty. And the heffa ain't even embarrassed.... Stoopid girl!

Or maybe I'm the stupid one. How can Shorty come with so much drama in a matter of days... And it's not just Miss Thang and her 'I'm tryna jack her man' allegations, he is also hella sensitive and moody and impatient and always ready to flip. Is it not simpler to just engage with unavailable men? I mean in that sorta situation you don't have to deal with a nigga's PMS! You focus on the good times coz they are few and far between.

Because of an RSVP'ing miscommunication, he couldn't get in so I couldn't get in to an industry event. This translates into a worse date than the previous one. Whoever thought that was possible?! Dude!

This nigga got so mad that he hardly spoke to me during the trip home. IT WAS SO AWKWARD... I tried to sleep through it but couldn't manage. I tried to find the words so that we can atleast begin to resolve the issues... Ko kae!?! He was not having it... I hated feeling like I gotta walk on egg-shells... I'm never afraid but every time we have some sorta confrontation, he brings up stuff that never seemed to bother him before! Or stuff that's flat out me! Like how I tend to exaggerate out of jest and even call him an ass! Dude! Now he has a problem with that! He even flipped when I rubbed his arm.... So I'm dealing with two psychos at the moment... I really wasn't tryna deal with that especially after another crappy date! Pretoria has never seemed far away...

When its good, its fantastic. When its bad, its hell and it's only been a coupla weeks.... I'm not aiming to get involved into a psycho affair. He better ship up or I'll ship out!

He didn't even reply to my text, hoping that he had a safe trip. Whatever! Like I said to him, it makes no sense that when I'm away from him, I miss him so much. But when we together, its like this?! Wtf! Smh!?
Cue Ne-yo's Mad...

Oh that dreaded Q came up... From him... What is this? What's going on between us? I said, isn't it too early to be labelling this....?!
He concurred... Good answer he said.... Kiss my ass! As far as I'm concerned, hooking up with a guy that acts like a snot-nosed six year-old is not on my to-do list.

Day 44-45: Part2 - Sunshine promises rain...

Tuesday was the big day and before I knew it, I had to start heading off to Hyde Park. One of my BFF's who had actually suggested me for the job, to the powers that be, called to check on my state on mind. She also mentioned one possible obstacle. My lack of mobility. It wasn't til she mentioned that, that my proposal lost its lustre and appeal. And I left, near complete deflation.

Once in the boardroom, the HR chic was in another meeting and thus couldn't be part of the panel. SCORE! And I was with some familiar friendly faces... Gotta love the sling! And my charm... Lol... Who am I kidding... My legs had adopted a life of their own... Shaking uncontrollably... But really, it went well... And from what I heard, they are looking for someone just like me... That lives the brand and is looking to forge relationships...

My life's about to get complicated... I think... But what's new!? I mean, I hate to count my chickens before they hatch but really....
Ok... Once back at the Zone, I head to Clicks for my flu shot. The nurse was a lil peculiar. She took the injection out the packaging and then started looking for some document. Meanwhile the naked needle is hazardedly pointed up. This went on for a good 5 minutes and I started to wonder about its hygiene. She must've read my mind coz she mentioned how she was still recovering from a car accident which would explain her rather odd behaviour. I was relieved?! Not even. But then she stuck the needle in and it was over. The quick band-aid rip-off trick. I got my free supply of vitamin C and as I was about to leave, she mentioned family-planning. First consult for 50 bucks... Um, thanx... I swear this woman is psychic!

Back at the office, music department, still not bumping. I was not missed. We did a recording for the teaser campaign with the official voice. Twas dope to hear some of my liners come to life.

As we came out the studio, at about 2pm, I see that Shorty is around. I decide to white-flag it and go say hi. And the butterflies zinged with energy as he hugged me and his hand lingered on my lower back. ST! ST! ST! Now there's a reason to stick around....

We duked it out. Cleared the air. He didn't come through coz he had to clean his sneakers. How disconcerting. I said as much. Furthermore, brightspark had forgotten about our date.... Disturbia...

But after I had made myself heard, I let it go. Coz he makes me feel that good... Without even tryin... I'm sucha pushover! If I didn't know better, I'd say I was whipped... Despite the crap that people are saying about him... Not that I'm discounting it... I really dunno who to trust but what I know for sure is what I feel for him... And how he makes me glow... So for now, illogically enough, everybody else can kiss my ass! Like the song says.... SO WHAT!?

The drive to the State Theatre took forever so we arrived late. They wouldn't let us in and he took it quite badly. The good thing is that we spent the time in traffic talking and I even told him about Lover. But wait for it... He already knew... Somebody who I thought was a friend, beat me to it, despite being aware that I was reluctantly planning on doing exactly that, on Saturday already. She also told him that he should stay away from me coz I'm hectic! What!? Our theory is that she feelin him! Well, join the queue Heffa! Needless to say that I ain't talkin to her as much anymore. But I ain't gonna confront her... Funny, she's the one that was advising me to stay away from him. What? Did she think we don't talk!? Stoopid girl!

He was still hella shocked by my confirmation of the Lover story so I'm glad I could clear it up... After being bounced from the theatre, we decided to head to Hatfield which was packed on a Tuesday night!? What kind?! So we found no parking and headed to Brooklyn. It started to rain. Co-fi was empty and I thought it a good idea to drink something on an empty stomach... Needless to say T-Pain started singing 'Tipsy'... Luda belted out 'One More Drink' and Jamie and I 'Blamed it' on the alcohol as I embarrassingly pulled in for a kiss only to be met with a big fat no entry sign. The date turned awkward right there.... Me and my stupid urges.... I was so embarrassed. And when he dropped me off, we discussed it. He likes to digest while I like to do. We are hella different. I'm not used to this...

Oh, he also figures that our butterflies are only different in the sense that, if we got a chance to be alone, we'd go buckwild... Lol... How comforting... It's his birthday next week... So who knows...

It must be criminal to write so much about a nigga but I'm enjoying getting to know him so much that I gots to share... Hopefully, the next post won't be so obsessive... Hopefully, the next date won't get rained out...

P.s. How dope is it that we have yet to kiss? No thanx to me. But nevertheless the case... By now, I've already jumped a nigga.... Not that I haven't tried-Lol! But you know what I mean!