Day 131 -138: When It All Falls Down...

I've spoken about those life-(altering)wedgies that come and take you by surprise just when you are beginning to love life. Or at least get into a rhythm.You know those times when everything is going right. You ain't fighting with nobody. Drama is down to a minimum. You've made peace with the stuff that you can't change. You're making major strides in the departments that you can control and on top of it all, you've met a new dude who makes the old dude look like a chump. A chump that didn't deserve your time in the first place. Your favourite song(s) keeps playing (The Dream-Rockin that Thang and Every Girl- Young Money and Drake-Best I Ever Had) and your crush digs you too so much that you can hardly believe your luck. But you don't believe in luck so you can hardly believe your destiny. Complete with an atom-bomb of good vibes, lust and like infused electricity! I call it ZING, he calls it chemistry! OMG... the chemical infusion happening within can't be good for you but it feels sooooo gooood!

And then all of a blue moon, the Script-Writer sends out a DEFCOM 5 [http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Defcon]! '

AY! Don't get too comfortable'

, He warns. It ain't ever that easy. It can't be, at least not for five days straight. And I know that. Well, I should. Perhaps, I was hoping for some sort of pleasant surprise. In fact, at the height of my euphoria, during the weekend, one of my tweets tentatively spoke of how...

I am a lil afraid to admit that I'm kinda sorta loving my life.

Dude! as soon as that tweet had been published, it all fell down. And yesterday, it all be came a lil too real that my life was still far from being the fairytale that I had been living for all but 24 hours. It was everything but. It was just another tear-jerking episode of a cheesy soapie. Or worse still, a reality show. Can't remember the last time I cried this hard. Heavy, soul-shaking, gut-wrenching, ugly sobs that grip at your core. You almost feel as though you could not only bawl forever but that if you weep hard enough, you'll cry out the very cancer that is making you feel so miserable. Almost hurl it up. More like sneeze it out! Not pretty I know. But I feel like this heartache is a thick chunk of black coal sitting at the bottom of my tummy. Pervading my insides.

Life perfect ain't perfect if you dunno what the struggle's for
Fallin' down ain't fallin' down if you don't cry when you hit the floor
It's called the past coz I'm getting past
And I ain't nothing like I was before...
You oughta see me now...
Yes, I was burnt so I call it a lesson learned
Mistake will return so I call it a lesoon learned
my soul has returned so I call it a lesson learned
Another lesson learned...

I guess the pressure had to get to me some time and these past couple of days proved to be the straw that broke the camel's back. From my less-than-impressive radio shows that I've been feeling less than awesome about. There's also my new nine to five which is probably at the single most dynamic production company in the country. Started there last week as a part of the content production team. So amped to be getting paid to be a creative. I get paid to write scripts and come up with ideas. Dude! How dope is that! I also work on scripts. Even though it is an opportunity and a half, I am having trouble working out a feasible timetable that will allow me ample sleep and balance. Man I need a ride!

Speaking of balance, Shorty been 'too busy' for me just when I needed some sort of escape the most, he suggested that we take it slow. If I didn't know better, I would say that he was calling things off without having to say as much. Well, actions speak louder than words and no matter how many times I tried to reach out and have him admit to wanting to end things, he won't talk about it or be man enough to say it's over. But I don't need him to confirm nothing coz one big fat indication is that we don't really see each other anymore. What's worse, I'm subjected to the occasional text. I deserve better. Luckily, I've had soooo much work to do, from the new gig to some freelancing work, that I couldn't quite deal with his stunts. But when I raised these concerns, I was met with a dismissive nonchalance. So I've done my bit really.

And just when I was tryna wrap my head around my drama, I met somebody. Like a week ago. Think Prince Charming in shining armour, (complete with the most delightful smile and the cutest ass. HOT DAMMM!) coming to remind me that life ain't all that excruciating. I'd actually forgotten what real butterflies feel like. And goodness knows that I had missed being really excited about somebody real. Besides Drake who, by the way, I'd totally marry. The mixtape So Far Gone got me through some heavy days. It polished my thick skin and reminded me that it's ok to hurt. Its ok to be disappointed. But that don't mean you should compromise on who you are. Fuck whoever that disagrees with you! Lol! But I digress...

We'll call new dude, Cutie, coz he is hella adorable. And from the moment we laid eyes on each other, I knew that I wanted to get to know him. If anything, it made me think or start to ponder upon the concept of love at first sight. Honestly it had never occurred to me that the notion was even a remote possibility yet there I was, completely engrossed in a stranger even before he had said two words to me. It makes for a dope blog and an even doper wedding story. Lol! You see how this situation had me talking crazy...

Well, those were the ol good days. That's the thing about falling quickly. You make the hurt that much more potent within a shorter period of time. But before we get to the bad part, Cutie and I went on our first and only date on Friday. Twas awesome. I completely immersed myself in this 'Something New'. I forgot Shorty, I forgot the world and I was allowed to be myself for the first time in a long time. And that's the most profound piece of this puzzle. I realise that I was beginning to lose myself by being in a dead-end relationship. Whether I was not really in it to begin with makes no difference because it took up my time, attention and energy, it had an effect whether I was aware of it or not. It was toxic and as much as I wanna deny it, it was killing my spirit and making me feel ashamed that I'm not in the sort of relationship that I would like for myself. I was not allowed to be me.

Dude I almost fell off my chair when Cutie hollered at me to say goodnight on Sunday. Shorty has never bothered to do that. It was such a foreign concept to me that I was completely shell-shocked and that's when it really dawned on me that I allowed myself to be treated like less for a while now.

During my brief time with Cutie, I remembered that I like to hold hands and make out and share and spend time with my significant other. With Shorty, I've had to curb my enthusiasm under the disguise of patience education coz he ain't a fan of PDA. Dude, it got to a point where the relationship was centred around him. And I didn't even realise but I hardly told him of my dreams and ambitions and worse, he never asked. Yeah, I learned to be patient but I also learned how to allow a nigga to run circles around me 101. Too whack. So I'm out. Can't believe I stood for it.

Well, as soon as Cutie had taught me that lesson, he also headed for the nearest exit. By last night, I was near tears as he told me how he didn't feel that he could be emotionally available for me coz he has to deal with his own crazy drama which includes getting over a two year relationship, his fear of being hurt again and the self-healing that he thinks he needs to embark on alone. I couldn't believe my ears. Like don't you feel what I'm feeling. How do you walk away when this is so so so special. And yet, he felt that was what's best. So I let him coz I can't force him. I don't know who to resent for feeling this way. The Script-Writer for making the feelings so strong? Or Cutie for not feeling that he can go the mile with me?

And as Drake asks... Is anything I'm doing Brand New? I wonder if my reaction to the Cutie situation was a lil OTT? Probably. and if so, why was I affected so? Why did I feel it? What's the lesson? I haven't felt like this and had to just shake it off. It's always been a faggot nigga that caused the drama and I always knew better than to pine for him but this is different. Or is it? I dunno anymore.

I guess it is time to try be alone. I think I been avoiding that status for a minute. Nobody wants to be lonely and single especially in the grip of a terrible winter but I know better than to waste my time on whackness just so that I can say that I'm dating somebody. Time to re-focus and re-arm and remember that this is about me. Couplin' would be cool but we will survive. Lol!

I've also been reading soon excerpts from Steve Harvey's Act Like A Lady, Date Like A Man. I've been compromising on my standards. It's so embarrassing to realise that I ain't been acting like the keeper that I be. It's fine. You live, you learn. So let the practicals begin...

And let's try get some stuff right this time...

Day 93-103: Magic Moments Part II

Since Monday, I been spending every second day just catching up on sleep because every other day is spent awake for at least 24 hours. It's the most insane but exhilarating experience. Finally, our time to be on air has come. As luck would have it... but...er... I don't believe in luck so as it was written...I'm the second last to go on air, on Wednesday 20 May, as per the 4AM-5AM schedule. To date I have read news twice (once on the first day, Tues 12 May and another on Thurs 14 May because the dude that was supposed to was otherwise occupied. Score for me really so I didn't mind absconding on my content production role for the few minutes that a coupla news bulletins take up. Besides, I gots to practice and get used to speaking out loud on the new mics).

My attention has really been on my exam and of course the on-air stuff. Constantly planning links and thinking of ways to make exciting radio. You may be half-asleep during 4AM and 5AM but really I gots no business contributing to that state of mind.

So what's my plan? Well, the words of the Programming Manager keep ringing in my head. Keep your links sweet and short and punchy. But so far, everybody has done the exact opposite. I can understand their thought-process though. They want to impress with humorous, interesting banter. The more you talk, the bigger the chance to be impressive and likewise, the larger the opportunity to suck. That's when the heartburn hits my chest! But really, I gots to know how to take direction, right. So I'ma have to keep my words to a minimum. Think Ryan Seacrest's slickness and swag on the mic. Dope/Doe Boy Fresh (DBF)! I want that to be me! I plan to be exciting, spunky and all up in your face! Make you wanna get up without saying too much and I figure if I can manage that then I'm legend!


But of cos, I'm beginning to doubt myself. Hella nervous! I can't wait to rock my hour but then again, I could totally wait out of sheer anxiety.

Meanwhile back at the ranch... Shorty and I had yet another fight, at the beginning of last week, over the same tired topic... There I was minding my own business on Tuesday, keen to go on study leave, glad to have finished my SAMAs piece when The Girls walked in and one of them told me how she had witnessed Shorty in a shady, compromising situation at some night-spot during the weekend.

I felt the tears sting the back of my eye-balls as she spoke about this floozy that had her arms around him and was kissing his neck. The disgust welled up in my stomach, followed by sheer self-disappointment. How can you be so stupid, I asked myself. I was so sick and tired and pissed at the timing that I typed up a text and actually sent it this time. Because of my self-blame, it was rather mild-mannered. I wasn't about to scream n shout n curse coz in my head, there would be no point coz clearly this ain't the first time. Clearly I been gettin played. So I just told him that I can't deal with all these stories of him entertaining groupies so we should just end this. He called. I switched off my phone. I won't lie but I was rather pleased that he was appearing to be freakin out but at the same time, I thought, he only ever takes me seriously when I'm at the door with my suitcase packed! I also tried to think how he would explain his way out of this one. I thought how blind am I. How stoopid must I be. How pathetic. How retarded. Like what am I waiting for- to find him in bed with somebody else? All these questions but only one answer. Go study!

Well, that was not about to happen. Well not that day. Instead I texted him again to say I wasn't tryna be rude but I know that if we talk, he's just gonna sweet-talk me out of my decision. He was actually rather mad and frustrated. From the sounds of the voice-messages that he left, demanding that I answer my phone to the texts that said he was tired of explaining himself and that we were over before we even begun (becaus of all these stories I was being fed). That stung. But that's one thing you will always receive from anger. It will make people show another side to themselves. It may be the truth or a defence mechanism. Either way, it has the potential to have some devastating repercussions.

In fact, in the midst of our heated text chat, I was having flashbacks of the last such chat I had with my BFF from varsity who hooked up with my ex flame behind my back and then turned around and accused me of jealousy when I condemned her actions. After that, I didn't see how we could ever be friends again because she just didn't get it. She was not sympathetic towards my feelings or even empathetic. It was all about her and I had to just accept her skanky behaviour. She even went on to say that she didn't even really like me and that I can only wish I was like her and no amount of therapy could fix me. That hurt because I was in therapy following my grandmother's death.... That comment proved to be the nail in the coffin! (Therapy proved to be the catalyst for my path to self discovery actually... but I digress...)

My text chat with Shorty could've easily gone that route and I could hate him right now but we handled it. And I think that's because we were both not ready to walk away. Not yet. Not now. Although I was not about to admit it at that point... I did all but beg him to confess instead because I needed to know that was not walking away from this because of a really dumb reason. Whatever that could be. Yes, I kept hoping for some sort of explanation that would make me nod my head feverishly and say 'ah yes, that explains it all.'

And then the magic moment came...

Day 93-104: Magic Moments Part I

Paulo Coelho once wrote of magic moments in his highly acclaimed novel, Down By The River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept. It's a heavy love story focussing on a young woman's quest for self discovery and more specifically love. He described a magic moment as that moment when a YES or NO changes your life forever. I feel like these 180 DAYS have been a series of magic moments in themselves. Which is bad and good. Good because everyday is one hella surprise after another. I can't say that I'm bored at all. But I also can't say that I know what's really going on even on the basics front. It's almost like having sex with a blindfold on. It's cool for a bit but after a while, you just wanna know what's going on... or maybe I'm just one hella control freak! Relaxa tu! But I guess that's what life really is. a series of decisions that ultimate contribute to the Butterfly Effect whether you'd like to believe in the weight that a seemingly insignificant action may carry.

Everytime I meet somebody new and we discuss some business ventures and something comes out of it... Everytime, some nigga hollers at me and I actually don't walk away and he turns out to be another soulmate (Yes, I believe in more than one)...
Facebook/MySpace and other social networking sites have been the catalyst of several magic moments. I've (re)connected with fam and even come across some dope people. But has my life been changed? as in really altered? Or just been made more interesting?

I rate that you'll never really know the true extent of your actions. However, what I do know for sure is that the Butterfly effect exists. Everything, no matter how small, happens for a reasons so yes. Everything is connected. Everything is everything. That's what Ms Hill meant.

But for me the true magic moment, as in how I interpreted it as per the novel, occurred in the run up to my exam last Monday. For the past six years, I have been trying to finish up my BCOM: Accounting degree. The first two years were smooth sailing until my final year when I crashed and burned towards the finishing line in respect of the Tax and Financial Management modules. The following year, 2007, I bagged the Tax but the Financial Management proved to be a harder pill to swallow. I just couldn't or wouldn't understand. Last year, I decided to try finish within a semester via Unisa. I managed to two out of three of their Financial Management equivalent. I wrote a supplementary exam in October which also went badly. So badly, I had to re-apply. No supp, this time. I figure, I had trouble balancing my job and studies. Plus when you are so used to not understanding particular work, in this instance, Valuations, you're already defeated before you start. Well you feel that way and that self-fulfilling profesy comes to show.

This year, I again took up the Financial Management yolk. Partly determined to get it right this time. Partly certain that I don't really have the type of brain that grasps the curriculum therefore I should perhaps consider approaching the powers that be with the results of an aptitude test that proves that I have trouble getting my head around analytical type problems and maybe they will just give me a damn degree out of sheer pity and for my half-hearted peserverence and innovation. I don't think I could pull out the race card for this one!? ... But worse, I was considering giving up, basically at the end of the race which amounts to not having bothered to try in the first place. With the pressure that my mom was putting on me and the prospect of a life continually on the hustle sans the financial cushioning that comes with a cushy Chartered Accountant gig, I been freaking out! And that's why I been studying since February. I even handed in both my assignments which turned out to be well done. Ain't nothing like fear to motivate you.

Last Monday was a culmination of my efforts. I spent the weekend, studying. I mucked about only on Saturday but I was sooooo focussed that I told Shorty that we couldn't hang. SHOCKING, I know. Don't even begin to think things went smoothly. They don't ever. That would be too easy... Especially where that nigga is concerned...

Day 47: It Doesn't Rain, It Flash-Floods!

Oh you're the reason why I'm thinking/ I don't wanna smoke on these cigarettes no more/ I guess that's what I get for wishful thinking/ Shoulda never let you enter my door/ Next time you wanna go on and leave/ I should just let you go on and do it/ It's not amusing like I believe...

It may have been the end of the week but Friday was not about to go out quietly. In fact, Friday the 13th was a week late and fiercer than it's ever been.

Not only was my direct Rosebank taxi taken off the rank coz there were hardly any people to take it but once in the Alex taxi, it took us over half an hour to get onto the highway because of some or other Metro Police detour! Good times!

Not that I'm condoning the measures that Taxi-drivers resort to in order to not 'waste' time but really if it wasn't for those 'reckless' offenders, I'd get to work, much much later. Well, today we got one of the conservative, ol fashioned types with countless peek-a-boo's of grey on his head. This driver was not tryna break the law so I took the time to catch up on some sleep... While the other passengers, called in late.

Once in Joburg, I could see a mother of a cloud hanging over Sandton City. Funny coz the highway was only partly cloudy with some sunshine, creating one hella false sense of security for the me and my naked calves!

The script-writer/director finally cued the rain. And I mean rain! One moment it was sunny, the next it was hailing hard. So hard that water was splashed into the taxi when a car drove past. That's when many wished they had called in sick instead. Couldn't believe the amount of water. Visibility was to the minimum and getting off the taxi was like crossing a river. As much as I have been ignoring 'The Inconvenient Truth', can't help but reckon that we experienced the price of Global Warming...

By the time we got to my stop, the rain had stopped and the risk of flash-floods had greatly subsided. In less than thirty minutes. But it was way after nine! Luckily I'm currently in a lax department. Nobody raised an eyebrow.

I tried not to think about what's-his-face but my crappy morning had spun me straight into a messed up mood, compounded by his stubbornness and lack of compassion! So I was hella sad especially when I was recounting last night's events to 'Rihanna'. Oh, I think it's officially over between Lover and me. We haven't communicated all week basically. So I'm pretty much single, for real, for real. Maybe Shorty trippin is a good thing... I can get my focus back. Men are stoopid! I've decided! Here I am... Fighting love again... Oh well... I'll be fine. This isn't a first. Men BEEN stoopid. The next one just better be less stoopid!

Day 44-45: Part1 - Rain promises a Rainbow...

Monday was anything but a good day. I missed the direct taxi to Rosebank and only just made it to the lecture which turned out to be yet another self-indulgent, long-winded artist-based flick from the 80s. This time we were treated to the majesty that is Prince and the artistic joke that is Purple Rain the movie. Another artist that thought he could act so he called up all his out-of-work, non-actor friends to hooked them up with paying gigs. As much as I delight in some charity, I was anything but delighted to be put through 90 minutes of that. And to top it all off... My all time favourite Prince song, 'Diamonds and Pearls' was not showcased in the movie. So I sat through that huffin n puffin for no climax....

So my morning was fucked! The weather was deteriorating fast. Fortunately, I was dressed for it with my sandals and peddle-pushers... Cute but not during chilly, cloudy temperatures! The music department was far from buzzing. And just when I thought things were picking up, it started to pour. Inside and out. The weather and the person. A good idea went horribly wrong.

There I was conversing with the Programming guy and my pending job interview came up which resulted im him listening to some of my radio links from my Top Stereo days. Granted, it wasn't great radio but it was what it was. And boy, was he unimpressed. My heart bled. Little did I know that it literally was bleeding out.... Red Robot! Once I had managed to tear myself from that office, I finally realised that Day One of a different kind had begun. Two types of emotions... I'm not pregnant- Yay! Babies are instant career killers! And oh, no wonder I been feeling like shit- Aaaaah [insert pout here].

The only thing that kept my spirit up was that Shorty was gonna come through and I'd be able to see his glow and unload on him. But it was already getting late and I was hella anxious already. Interview tomorrow. Right decision even?! All these damn questions... So to pass the time, I logged on to net, hustling for SA Blog Awards nominations... Then the email came in... That messed up my day... One simple, innocent request from my side, unleashed a tyrant from a highly sensitive stranger. 'not even a greeting. Is that the way to speak to a stranger?' she asked. Now this is
was the final straw!? So I picked up the phone and attempted to make my intentions clear. My mom assured me that I had every right to ask questions and I figured Miss Thang must be having a Day One of her own...

Shorty was MIA well into my bedtime, while I was preparing my Presentation... Needless to say that after my wack day, I was about to blow. I may have been slightly afraid of a confrontation but I knew that it had to come to a head, sometime...

In his text, he mentioned having thoughts of me and how sorry he is for not coming through today. Something came up. I, in turn, told him he sucked and that I was having the worst day and I had been looking forward to seeing him but because of my state it was probably a bad idea to see him coz I was feelin so needy earlier. You see... A guilt trip and independent woman tip in one text! Hella smart! He replied with 'I'm sorry about that'... That's when I flipped... I flatly stated how I really dunno why he bothers coz he clearly don't care. That's when he asked what's wrong and I said I'm tired of feeling like I'm chasing (coz it ain't my steez) and I'm about ready to walk. He insisted that I stick around coz it will be worth the wait. I just gotta be patient with him coz he's just scared and stuff.

In my highly irrational and emotional state, all I thought was 'wank, wank'... What wack excuses and I told him, it's no reason to stay. He didn't reply. And I was left wondering if I still had a date to FOREPLAY'S premiere, the following night with Ne-yo's Mad in the background....

I slugged through my proposal and went to bed for a measly five hours of sleep, feeling hella accomplished in the career department but hella stoopid in the romance department....... My heart was hella sore but my head was hella content... Can't win them all...

Day 15 - 17: oh fiddlesticks... what's happening...

End of the second day of my second fortnight in the PRODUCTION. Ironically, things aren't quite productive. I'm freakin out a lil at the concept of not doing much. Lil to no efficiency is making me a lil to hella nervous.

Plus I'm facing mountains of distraction, now that I have sorta settled in. One or two cuties are messing with my focus. So more nerves. Plus I'm studying in order to meet a month-end assignment. Many more nerves. Mm... afterthought.... I have plenty to do... So what was all of that about....

Ok ok... I'm just scared that I may be losing the focus that I so desperately wanted to achieve. And for what?!
[insert frustrated, blood curdling scream here]

now this is discontent/disconnect anxiety!