Day 06-24: Five Stages of Grief

When I'm nervous, I bite my nails. As I type this, my left thumb nail is in my mouth, scrapping up against one of my top front-teeth. The only reason why I have yet to nibble through it, is simple really. I hate, absolutely despise, the way my fingers look once I've demolished my nails. So I'd rather not. Even though I have every reason to...

This week has possibly been the best and worst week all wrapped in one... Tuesday was good as I got my drivers license... Finally. Truth is I've lost count as to how many times I've had to take a driving test. Think I lost count at five. And in all honesty, I'd rather not recount all those failed attempts. Getting my drivers was like getting my degree. Unbelievable freedom! Feel like I'm growing up... FAST!

Anybody that has conscious been through growing-pains knows that they are almost never pleasant. And in order for the good to feel half as awesome then you gotta have some bad times to supplement that. And boy did I get my fair share of shit this week. Let me indulge in some self-pity for a sec...

On my return from my one-day leave on Wednesday, I drove to work and got stuck in the worst kinda Pretoria-Joburg traffic. The kind that makes you wish so desperately that you lived in Joburg. Goodness knows, I've been looking for accomodation near work and now that I can drive my car legally, I can widen my geographical search for a Jozi home.

Well, all this home-hunting has to take place in between work. Now before I could get carried away, I was unfortunately stuck in traffic.So I wasn't gonna go far for a while. If anything, I was only succeeding in annoying my superior. Well, to be honest, she was annoying me with nonsensical emails about my tardiness (complete with my boss copied). So rich coming from the queen of african time!

However, that's no excuse for being late. I accept that. But bitchy emails do nothing to ease the congestion on the N1 North highway. Don't even get me started on my frustration. Unless I can learn how to drive like a taxi-driver, there's no way, I can get to work on time and avoid the clogging up of my inbox... So until I've moved to Jozi, I don't think that I'll be on time for work anytime in the near future especially with the never-ending rainy weather and continuous construction on the road. She'll jussss have to be strong!

Still on the subject of exasperating motha-truckers... Oh my gosh... Traffic is bitch. Bumper-to-bumper aint no joke. It's hella tiring. After all that driving, I wanna get to work and have a power nap! I need a place fast!

Meanwhile, the adventures of Kp and Cutie are feeling more and more like the five stages of grief. And I may have mentioned this before but it feels like we're about to reach a climax... I caught the season premiere of Grey's Anatomy today. And everybody was beat up over George's death. Meredith, the narrator, spoke of Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and finally Acceptance...

After hanging out with Cutie on Friday, I felt the way I usually felt after a typical night out with him. I felt more in love (can't believe that's still possible). I felt closer to him. I felt more heart-break at having to part ways. An overwhelming sadness...

As the five stages of grief we're discussed on Grey's, I automatically equated their loss of George, to mine. The loss of us, of Cutie. I've often thought that the only way to really get past this is to deal with it like death. Coz death leaves you with no options. Eventually, you must accept and carry on.

With a(n amicable) break-up, you may circle around various stages of grief, before you actually suck it up and get over it. How many times have I been in denial? Explaining and excusing his behaviour even when he was hella deceitful. Here I am, loving him more that ever. I've also been angry more times than I care to remember. But I don't believe in anger so more accurately, it was how I dealt with feelings of rejection, being ashamed and feeling like I'm not good enough. I lashed out... And once I had calmed down, I began to bargain it out in my head. The feelings of wanting him near, would not go away so instead of dealing with it, I excused it all and figured that it wouldn't be that bad to hang out and lo and behold, like clockwork, we always picked up where we left off... And now that he's determined to take on 2010, without me by his side, in the quest to be "the man that I deserve"... He's left me so sad. It reminds me of when I was 17 and I was crazy about this guy that had a girl. He cheated with me and within weeks, deserted me. By that time, I was hooked. And I cried for months, way into my first year of varsity...

This Cutie Depression brings good news and bad news. Now that I'm at this stage, I'm clearly or theoretically getting closer to accepting the situation. On the other hand, there could be months of tears ahead especially if the past few months are anything to go by! Either way, I wish 2010 would fly by...

Day 01 - 05 : 2010- The Year of the Hustler

I realise that as per 2008, I let my life become my work during the second half of last year. I almost cared too much. Don't get me wrong.. I have learnt soooo much about TV production in the past six months and I'm at a place that I had not even dreamt of - both behind and in front of the camera... But that came at a price. Not that I regret it much I mostly regret not documenting that journey...

But even if I had had the time to do so... I doubt I would've been able to capture it the way I would have preferred to. Simply because my mind has been on Cutie 24/7 when it was not on work. Even when I was supposed to be working, I found myself drifting. Fortunately I also learned how to use work to get my mind of the drama of Kp and Cutie.


Well,that never-ending love-story may has finally had its curtain-call. It may not be the final one but it will probably be a while til Cutie and I are back on-stage together again. The last couple of weeks saw us fall soooo madly in love. In reality, we had always been in love but this time we admitted to ourselves out loud! It was so good! But then reality came a knocking and our fairy-tale was dashed by him insisting that he needs a year to get away from all the drama. All of it.Including me.

And as much as I wanted to be part of the solution, truth is I am very much apart of his drama-infested life. Granted I was the best part but he needs the space. And as much as I keep crying, I know it's only right that he finds himself without me clogging his mind-space. Coz I only want his happiness... Happiness with me would be a bonus.. but he's such an awesome person, he deserves to find it... like they often say.. it's gonna get much worse before it gets much better...

In his head, we'll reunite and be able to fully be together in a year's time... I'm not so sure. Coz working on a daily live celebrity show has taught me that a year is a long time. Each day is so hectic in TV-land that it feels like an entire week! Anyway, I've let him go.. I'm letting him go..civilly with his best interests at heart..it's not like I had a choice.. he's hella determined...so I'ma let him d it and see what happens..if anything, he'll realise how much he misses me. So I'ma give him the space to ache with the feeling of "need"! Lol! Seriously! He actually had the audacity to say that he hopes that I won't hook up with a random in order to get over this. I was like but dude, it's the easiest way...


Anyway.. so now I'm tryna figure how I'll keep my mind off him during the next 365 days... coz when I wasn't working, I was working him..lol..so now what?! I need a fierce distraction! Dr Phil would suggest sitting in my bad feelings til I have resolved them. Sure! What fun! Let's do exactly that! What don't kill you, only makes you stronger, right?


I have major plans for this year so that should keep me busy... and everytime I wanna holla at him, I'll be sure to do sit-ups instead! I wanna give radio another shot... take tV to another level.. push the KMS brand..get my dam drivers license..get my own crib ie move out.... it's gonna be major... and oh yes... get over Cutie!

Day 154-180 (+3): I AM KOPANO!

The last month has been insane and for the most part, I ain't where I wanna be. Sure, I'm being challenged on the daily by this new gig and I'm all about being challenged to the max. But I've never ever ever been this stressed out. I guess it's only fitting that LIVE TV is the third most stressful job in the world. Sure, I got to meet DJ DRAMA but really now...Does that make it worth it..?!
I asked to be challenged, not to go out the same way as Michael Jackson (with a dam heart attack). I mean I'm currently in a space that saw me be unable to blog for over a month because things are that hectic and crazy and insane and BUSY! And all I really wanna do is put on some Marvin Gaye and

get it on

! I would be so lucky. Cutie is still trippin'. So I'm working on moving on coz really he's awesome and everything but I am way too fwine to be dealing with another pseudo-relationship. Apparently I'm supposed to give him time.. I'm like what time, time to hurt me some more... reject me some more... how much punishment can a girl take. If there's one thing that I have learnt during the last 180 days is that you shouldn't ever waste your time with a nigga that won't be there. If he's trippin, do yourself a favour and be out! I realise that it's not that simple but I also know that waiting on him to change is stoopid especially when he has told you wassup. Let it go and let him stay with his undecided self.

Naturally, I'm having some trouble practicing what I preach. I can't seem to stay away from him. (And it probably doesn't help that we work together.) To the point where I'm on some maybe I should just hang out with him, he'll come around. Or maybe, we can just be friends?! Or maybe, he just ain't that into me and my punkass just needs to make peace with that! Aaaargh! The frustration! And what if I do walk away and it ends up being the biggest mistake of my life?! Like that chick from The Bachelorette, Deanna! This nigga that she was really fallin' for exasperated her to such a degree that she ended up telling him to go jump even though she dug him so! He wrote her a letter declaring his feelings but it was too late. But was it?! Should she have been a lil more enduring? DAMN Niggas who push a woman to that point!
Like
Shorty. He tried to holla at me, the other day. I was like nigga please, you done fucked up, a minute ago. It's too late! It's so late that I'm even considering cutting ties with new dude! Now here's Cutie following the exact same script. Like him and Shorty bin sharing notes! It's simple really, I'm done! The next nigga I meet, best have his story sorted. I ain't about to deal with your issues and I don't wanna hear it. You wanna be with me? Cool. You don't? Get the fuck out!

I'ma be hardcore now coz I've realised that my being open has also made me a lil naive. Fairy-tales only exist in books. I ain't the exception.

As far as my radio career is concerned, I haven't been offered anything by the station from a DJ point of view. When I found out on Thursday, I felt my world crash around me. That sucked. I was really hoping that I would be given the opportunity to take on the training slots but alas, I've been asked to submit a demo instead. Didn't know how to react to that. That hurt. But I'll do as required.

Then there's TV... dunno hey...I'm in two worlds...and boy do I need a holiday!

Day 118-120: Finally....Radio Chapter I

**This is actually my blog from an internal site but I found it to be so spot on and a lil too honest that I just had to share it with you guys....

I've been meaning to blog about my on-air escapades for a minute... so lemme break it down a lil... It's been a week since my second attempt at GroundZero. For all intensive purposes, I killed it compared to my premiere show five days before that.




I figure that I let the hype get to me during the first show. In between the "oh my goshes" and "oh my goodneses", I pretty much failed to be the cool big sis that listeners would like to have. I was like a groupie. Dude!

Lesson learnt: Dude! just be you!

As Em would say ...

You better lose yourself in the music
The moment you own it you better never let it go, oh
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Cuz opportunity comes once in a lifetime, yo
You better lose yourself in the music
The moment you own it you better never let it go, oh
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Cuz opportunity comes once in a lifetime, yo
You better...

It's really that simple. But I let the enormity of the moment/opportunity get at me and rip at me and drag me through the mud!
Twas an eye-opener. As in it made me realise that my moment, the moment that I had been dreaming about since I was a kid, had finally come and because of nerves, I was about to fuck it up momentously. Dude! Don't joke! Say it ain't so! I couldn't believe that I almost let it slip through my fingers like that...

and even today I ain't all that pleased with my performance during the second show.

Another lesson learnt...

Our lectures in the run up to the on-air stuff were quite spot-on!
As soon as I calmed down on the OMGs, I picked up on "OKay" and added some "er's and "ums" for added crutchness!it's the oddest thing that once you lose one crutch, you are bound to pick up another one! Just like that! I never say OK but now it's like my new word! Dude! like how?!

Dude!
it's hella wack hey.
my technical has been ait. As in I haven't skipped any songs, involuntarily but I did manage to gate-crash the news with a jingle. And if that wasn't enough, I didn't put up the level after front-announcing AKA's "Mistake". How apt!

You may ask...
But KP did you do anything right?

Yeah... I had a coupla tricks up my sleeve... from my totally fake, fabricated, imaginary friend that "sucks cock" to deal with stress and feel like a "strong black woman"... I don't doubt that such a female exists but she certainly ain't one of my friends.
...to my future "blind-date" with a white boy. Well, that wasn't a complete lie. An fb friend did "offer" me his white friend... but he was not keen to set us up, well not directly, he sought to rather, organise a lil chill session at his spot and then have us meet... So a blind-date with a twist... started off the show on an inquisitive note... Nice...

My links coulda been tighter if I had stuck to my prep and timings and such... but I doubted it in the moment. Stooooooopid girl.

More good news...
I've learnt to prep my own ish!
I've found a system that doesn't allow me to forget to back-announce and most of all to ID the station and my pretty lil face!

Too dope!

Now, I'm constantly jotting down ideas for links... I literally keep my notebook and pen on me... it's exciting ad it's daunting at the same time because my respect for the profession has grown tremendously ie I now see it as a proper gig. Not a hobby to be shat on! but at the same time, I'm freaked out by the intensity and how it isn't some big party on air like I sorta unconsciously perceived it to be.

Which has of cos made that crazy, totally illogical Q pop into my head. Is this what I really want? Really? really?

Part of my every being screams YES but my fear, a deep seated, unjustified, totally self-involved phobia is raising doubt, within!

So a lot of thinking is taking place. And of cos, been sussing out the competition. Totally natural especially when your turn to be on air is taking its sweet time.

But also totally a waste of time because I really shouldn't be checking for the other academics coz I'm the only horse that I should be concerned about. I can't see these other niggas coz I got my eye on the prize!

And with two shows to go... I am dying to prove my mettle. So I plan to pull out al the stops for the next show. Really. Fiery blazin links! Short sweet n punchy!

Sot he cat's out the bag but that's the thing about radio, my execution ain't like no other. At least that's the plan. To make it memorable.

We got some good news yesterday...
Not only will we be participating in a massive clean up campaign in our own internship capacities (oh joy-lol ) but we will also be having our own liners recorded! Dude! can you say too dope! With the official voice of the station!

Songs I'm loving at the moment...
Pure Surprise- Lulo Cafe (yho...he is the hottest nigga in the hood! No kidding!)
And of cos... Hottest Nigga in the Hood- Red Cafe (see the link!!!) [still!!]
Who's Real-Jada ft Swizz
Deeper- Euphonik
Return the Favour- Keri Hilson ft Timbo
My Love- The Dream ft Mariah
Rockin that Shit (Remix) -The Dream and all them niggas... [still!!!]
Good Clothes-Lil Brother [still!! stuck on that beat!]


And a host of other hottttt house tracks that I can't remember... it happens... mind you... I have yet to sleep since 9pm last night!

Since I've been absolutely self-indulgent... I guess I can get away without blogging for the next month... truth be told... I've missed talking about my passion... so you must JBS (jusssss beeee strong)!

Besides with God by my side... I can't help but shine.. wherever that may be! Funny thing about the picture below, I was loking for a star and that jumped at me! How appropriate... That's how I know that The Script-writer is hard at work for lil ol me who deserves it the least... But would desire it regardless... pretty pretty please... I'm thinking he is liking the idea tooooo.. Well, I'ma keep the faith!

Day 112-117: Seven Days Was A Long Shot!

In a day, God created man. And when the sun set that evening, he looked at Adam and said, 'Hotdam I'm rock long time...' and then he went drinking at the Eden river, with the angels, to celebrate...
It's taken double that time for me and Shorty to restart fighting after just making up. Ya neh. We couldn't even go the seven that I spoke of in my last post. There's really no point in getting into why we are fighting now [but for completeness sake, here's the jist- we were supposed to go out to some birthday gig on Thursday night and he took a unilateral decision to cancel our plans. Something about being tired and under-dressed. I was not impressed. I flipped at him for being a fader. He claimed we could do it on Friday. Nothing happened Friday. Instead he was out with his mates. Which was all apparently unplanned. I just keep thinking I'm way to pretty to be dealing with such non-issues. Plently guys wanna spend time with me. Why am I still here? For what!? When it really appears as though, I ain't wanted.] I'm just sick of it. It's like the bad is superceding the good. It's so bad, I'm thinking of drawing up a list. Either of Pro's n Con's or of things that he does that I absolutely despise. He can also draw up the latter with regards to me and if we gonna work at this, those lists must be adhered to, otherwise it's an indication of disrespect and sheer carelessness. Which speaks volumes.

I used to date guys that I fought with all the time, thinking that it adds passion to the relationship. And then I dated a nigga that I hardly ever fought with and guess what- I enjoyed that so much more. The laughing and smiling and talking really beats arguing and crying and bitching. So I can't understand how I landed up here and how come I've been at it for almost as long as my longest relationship ever [four months]?!

But everytime I think of walking away, the heartburn hits my chest. And honestly, he does he quite an effect on my mood especially when things are cool and we're talking. I jus wish we could get along for more than three days out of the week.

I was so embarrassed when my mother asked me what he thought of my Monday show. I had to meekly tell her that I hadn't received any feedback from him. Even she raised her eyebrows even though she doesn't know that we are dating. But she knows that we're friends and that I'm hella supportive of his hustle. So in her head, it made no sense as to why he is seemingly not showing luv back. Luckily she spared me any further humiliation by letting that question hang in the air. Awkward!

Saturday night/the early hours of Sunday morning, I tried to talk to him about this kak. And I swear if he hadn't claimed to be too tired to get into it, I probably would've broken up with him right then and there. Coz something don't feel right. That feeling I had at the beginning of this, has returned and it's actually suffocating me. Rather annoying. Two options: stick it out like last time til it subsides or walk away from these weird feelings. Fuck it's weird. It feels like he's hiding something...

True to his conceited self, he insisted on discussing this issue from the other night, later today. Fine. It's not like it's going anywhere. We'll discuss it eventually and if it's over- let it be.

I could use some fresh material for my blog, as it is.

As for my show on Monday. I felt that it went well. So well that I walked away thinking that some of the proper DJs best be scared.... Coz I'm coming after their gigs! Unfortunately it will be a while til my next shot at presenting. Try 10 June. Dis ver! I was hoping we would have gotten an updated schedule by now, with all the non-presenters, having opened up more slots for the rest of us that want to do it.

But life ain't ever sucha breeze. Been working on scripts for a certain production from my former employer. Who woulda thought... 53 episodes by four links each. Hectic. But coming along nicely. Very exciting. Challenging. And learn-as-you-go. Very stimulating and keeps my mind off this rather immature love-life stuff. I won't lie. I'm expecting the worst.

Day 108-111: Shut Up, Just Shut Up Shut Up...

Back in high school, I dated some triflin' niggas. Popular but hella dodge tertiary guys who would cheat on me. And my fellow female pupils would be more than happy to let me in on my boyfriends' indiscretions. Coz that's how real it would get in high school. Women-on-women violence. But they would be the first to hook up with him straight afterwards despite his shady track-record. Or worse still, these girls would knowingly hook up with dude even though they knew he was unavailable...

I wish I could take the moral high ground in comparison to my boyfriends. But nah... I was only slightly better because I kept my indiscretions a secret. I never got bust. So not only did their cheating give me a legit reason to get out of a disastrous pseudo-relationship that was only wasting my (air-)time, but it also made me look like the poor victim. Aargh shame for me. In my mind, it didn't really matter what the situation really was... as long as dude felt bad and I came out smelling like roses. There really was no reason for me to tell dude that while he was messing around, so was I... It's fine. Let him think he's a piece of shit cheat. No skin off my nose coz he been a piece of shit. I won't lie, I would get upset. Mostly out of embarrassment and humiliation. Egocentric B.S that would not let me help him downplay his guilt... In fact, let's not tarnish my good image... I figured it's always better to appear to be the victim instead of the wrong-doer. Nobody likes the wrong-doer... Plus, I couldn't begin to have dude look at me the same way that I looked at him... Yeah... Like a piece of shit cheat! Lol!

All these experiences taught me one thing. Don't ever be naive enough to think that whatever you're doing on the down-low is not being done by your significant other. That's how karma works ... So it's a big deal for me to be involved and not cheat. A sorta growth and maturity of sorts. But with so many opportunities to do so, I'm sure that Shorty is facing extensive temptation of his own on the daily... Now we don't all go through the same rite of passage, so goodness knows if he been resisting.

Hence my sheer reluctance to trust a nigga. Even the one I'm seeing. Especially when he keeps fueling my paranoia... On Friday, he ignored my calls and texts. The following morning, he tried to feed me some cock-n-bull story about his phone dying. Like honestly. I was not having it. I hate being lied to but what I hate more is an apology that is accompanied by a lie. Yho! That grates my tits. What's also bad is how I've told him before if something is going on- tell me. Don't make me wait like a crazy person. Or worse- don't fuck up and think you can fix it in the morning!?

So you think I'm gullible and stoopid?! Fine. Then leave me alone in my gullibility n stoopidity coz I really ain't gotta deal with this shit.

I wonder will Shorty n I ever go a mere seven days without fighting? It's becoming such a drag. I hate repeating myself to a grown man as though I'm involved in dog-training. Oh hell no! I really dunno what can fix this but my head ain't over there right now. I gots a show in the early hours of Monday morning. Another reason why I'm so annoyed. This nigga is fucking with my focus... I should just knock him out like Charles Hamilton. His inconsideration shows jus how self-involved he is. Like dude... The world does not revolve around you! And maybe that's been my fault... You write a coupla posts about dude, he begins to feel and act as though he rules your world. F-off!

Well, I'm obviously peeved. But like I been saying, anger ain't a real emotion. I'm hella disappointed and disheartened. And I hate to say it, especially after the other day... A part of me has to laugh at that though... How fuckin unoriginal... A nigga trippin afterwards... Well that's what you get huh... Oh well... Dirt off my shoulder!

As much as I mean that... I realise that this is merely the price of caring for somebody. You become vulnerable to being hurt. Like I just heard on Grey's... Making friends makes for another loss along the way...

On to something a lil more constructive... I'm beginning to feel those nerves again, even though my show is like twelve hours away. I so need to bring it this time... Here's to some good post-show news!

Day 66: The Curious Case of KP-Spears...

Like I was saying... It's like losing two things in one day... Boys come at a dime a dozen so I can get over Shorty... A cool job at a multi-national is proving to be a lil harder to swallow. Not because I really wanted the gig at this very time but coz it's exactly like a romantic scenario... Boy meets girl. Boy likes girl. Girl still deciding but allows it. Boy goes out with girl. Girl begins to like Boy. Boy changes mind. Boy leaves girl. Girl heartbroken.

She wasn't really checkin for him. And now her plans are a lil haphazard now that it's over. But really, the retraction of the job offer amounts to such relief coz I really was so torn about which step to take... Now I ain't gotta decide... So Three words... SUCK IT UP! And forget the pay hike! There's a bigger plan... Door closed and another opened behind you. Now stop staring at the closed door and look around! Harder to apply, I know... But I know that the Script-Writer is one hella creative guy... And he has some sorta plan. He always does. That's the thing about good times... Even, they pass.

This is the part where you JUUUUST deal. I had yet another dosage of thought-provoking cinema today. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button left my soul reeling. All through that movie, I either cried or I thought to myself, how fortunate I am. It's a wonder that I don't consciously recognise every moment coz every single day the Script-Writer BEEN reminding me how good I got it.


Benjamin was born old. All wrinkly. He was born only to be expected to die of natural causes. Out of the womb into a death bed. And even though he appeared to be as old as the hills, he was only jus a boy inside. So a forced old soul. Or rather he was born to be an old soul... Or he was one through and through and his physicality just showed his insides in a sense. As he got older, he started to look younger. His features softened up and his hair got thicker. [Speaking of which, can I just say the Brad Pitt is the single hottest, most enchanting man, that side of the hemisphere....] So he started to look really really young. There's a scene where he looks like a college freshman but his eyes show that he's been through a lot and that he has sucha story to tell but his physicalities, again, don't reflect that. And I felt that frustration. That's probably one of the few moments that one is content with ageing but because of their physicalities, they can't help but feel the exact opposite. Nobody really embraces age for the very reasons that made Benjamin feel estranged and different. Now that was a solid Old Soul moment. Then he got to his early teens stage, acne and all but his memory was fading. And he said, 'I feel as though I should be remembering something...' now that had me bawling... All the way to the end. It was one of those, it's better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all. Or in this case, is it better to have lived than not to have experienced the curiosity that is life? Right at the end when the love of his life is now old and he has been reduced to a baby, she says that he looked her in the eyes and for the first time in a long time, she could see that he remembered their life together. And then he closed his eyes...for the last time. [insert flooding here... Ironically, the movie was also experiencing a hurricane]

I've always thought that babies have this thing. They know much more than they realise... Well, they know more than they would be able to articulate or even remember to share when they are eventually able to verbally express themselves. They often give you a knowing look and now I have a word for it... that was a 'Benjamin' moment.

So I finally got home. And then Shorty texted. I still haven't resaved his digits. Needless to say that I recognised them. Dammit! He claimed to be thinking of me. Yho Mr Smooth... Needless to say that he soften me up nicely... He hadn't been able to get the digicam earlier coz the newsroom had me running around in circles [which I absolutely loved! I'd rather be busy than be dealing with Heartbreak Hotel nonsense!] and my phone was on silent and so I missed all thirty thousand of his calls. By the time I had returned them, he was gone. But now he still needed the cam so we provided for another pick-up before the Easter weekend... What the hell am I doing? Oh... He did fail the test... Well, technically its not his fault coz the guy that hooked him up only had an extra one. I found it hilarious the way he explained the scenario considering I had merely asked if he was gonna be attending the Mos Def gig. I got more than a yes which made me think that he may be reading this blog... Ha ha... Or he just figured it out himself... Man, I'm obvious!

Again what am I doing? Oh Lover is alive and well.......... Nuff said about that subject the better... Coz we clearly got some spies up in this piece!

Day 64-65: What I Can't or Won't see...

Life is one big fat bitter-sweet moment. Often what tastes so good, can turn around and leave your mouth reeling. It's like chewing on that ol skool Wicks Bubblegum. It's all pink, sugary and gooey... Slippin n slidin all over the inside of your mouth. You basically chew your life away but it's not enough to keep it the gum in one spot so can't really feel that sweetness... And then the worst happens, just when you are getting the hang of it, your tongue gets in the way right in the middle of biting down hard... It's so sore that that the gum is now the worst thing you've ever had in your mouth... The absolute worst.... And you quickly spit it out, hoping that the pain will quickly subside. It finally does but now you have a gaping gash on your tongue. A reminder that you should've just taken your time.



Same goes for tongue burns. There's absolutely no good reason for them coz the very food that you were rushing to devour won't taste as good because your genetic taster is under going severe burns therapy. But all too often, I'll burn my tongue with tea just because I hate the taste of cold, even mildly warm, tea. Even at the expense of my super rockin tongue... Just this morning, I couldn't brush too hard over a certain spot....

My point is that I'm not so good with learning lessons. Even when I know that I'm in the middle of a tongue burning exercise, I'll still be hoping that the hot ham and melted mozarella won't scald my tongue even though I'm well aware that that's exactly what a freshly toasted sandwich does best.

It's almost as though, I prefer just finding out for sure... every single time! Isn't that insanity?!.... Like those women in the movie I watched today. 'HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU' made me remember what I always knew... That hot tea and Bubaloo bubblegum should be tackled at the consumer's own risk. Same goes for love. So maybe it is all fair in love [and war]. Haven't decided on the latter though.

Time for the truth. I really don't think that Shorty likes me all that much. At least not enough. I may have alluded to it in previous blogs but now my whole being is nodding in agreement and singing 'Praise Hallelujah!'.

Funny thing is that as I was typing this blog, he called... quick digression...

[I think I have some powers of some sort that make it possible to WILL him over. Earlier, just before the movie, I left the office for Nouveau. Once at the front of the line, after queuing for over 15 minutes, I realised that my massive handbag is carrying everything but my dam purse. So I call 'Alicia Keys' at the office, she has a look around and lo and behold, she spots it on one of the work desks. So I tell the cashier my situation and he promises me a free pass to the front ofthe line upon my return. I rush back to the office, get my purse but now I gots to pee. Been holding it in for a minute and in my rush to the cinema, I had avoided going to the toilet as not to waste any time and not be late for yet another movie. And as I sat on the toilet seat, I thought to myself... why are all these d8iversions happening? is the scriptwriter planning for me to bump into Shorty? "Oh hush, that's not possible, I thought to myself. Stop dreaming!" I thought to myself. So I grabbed my stuff and left. And as I'm saying goodbye at the door, he walks in. My heart stops. We exchanged a greeting and I left. oh he looked soooooo good! Anyway, I called him en route back to the cinema. He sounded less than excited. And I was happy that I had not bothered to shower him with attention just to be tacitly rejected. I'm feeling hella vunerable at the moment and I figure I gots to build up my defences.]

If he wasn't on MTN then I probably would not have recognised his number coz during the movie screening, I deleted every inch of him from my phone. So he calls right and I think to myself 'oh my gosh, I could be wrong about this one'... So I crossed my fingers and listened as he went into how he had called to check up on me and all that... At this point, I like a lil baby, all goo-gaa-gaa... Lovin the luv... The glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel! And then it went all dark again when... he asked me what time I'm coming in tomorrow. Now I'm thinking, he wants to come see me! Oh my gosh! But I kept it together... 'Why?' I asked coolly, keen to suppress any pre-mature joy...

And boy was it uncalled for coz he only wanted to know if he can borrow my digicam for the Mos Def press con tomorrow. I fought the urge to ask him if that was his sole intention for calling. A part of me is wishing that I had just asked but after the tense weekend and Monday [we fought about me being way too crude and rude after I made a comment about his dodgy looking friend on Saturday. Yho, he was basically screaming at me. Twas hectic. Yesterday, I thought for sure that he was gonna tell me that we should quit hangin out. He told me to cool it though. He says I'm the one complicating things. Right. Coz I'm the only one in this hey. I nearly walked away myself. But I kept my words to a minimum and let him blow his fuse. What came out of it is that we should be patient with each other and I should curb my vulgarity] that we had, I guess I'm hoping to be wrong about him one more time. Clearly I didn't get the premise of the movie. Or the very lesson at the beginning of this text.

Besides, I have one clear cut way of figuring this out. He has two tickets to the event on Thursday. Question is will he invite me? A no means curtains. A yes could mean a possible winner. My gut is telling me to be prepared for a huge disappoint. And after this weekend and yesterday, I'm about ready to be set free from the chains of this thing. Honestly coz I'm missing the good vibes. There's more bad than good and because of it, I ain't feeling the way I should. My gut is screaming 'run!'. My eyes are saying but 'He's so cute, don't be an idiot.' Oh well. We'll see what the future holds... Either way, I'll be ait. Maybe losing two things in one day is just ok.

Day 53: The Morning After The Night Before...

I've been meaning to discuss this but other facets of my life been rather pressing.... But here it is... Finally...

For the most part, the Thursday lectures are the highlight of my week from an academic point of view. Today, the topic of subconscious crutches perked my interest. I know I 'um' and 'er' alot. Hardly ever in general (I think) but especially on air. It's the price of being ill-prepared when you switch on that red light...

It's also the plight of my approach. I take on radio, in the same manner that I would take on writing. Raw, uneducated and hella ignorant. Now that I'm learning all these various techniques, I'm starting to wonder if I'm up to it... Perhaps even my writing skills need some refinement. I mean even the grandest of singing talents take voice-coaching lessons.

This self-doubt isn't as bad as it was a month ago but it's still as frustrating as the urge to pee. The difference between writing and radio is that the lil gems that I create can be edited and refined when doing the former but with the latter, if you flub it up once, you're done. You must get it right every time. It's no longer funny on your second attempt.

As much as I think that scripting an entire three-hour show would make things run smoother, I'm really not all that acquainted with my wit and sense of humour. I even suprise myself and laugh at myself.... [Like Weezy would say, 'I should throw myself a suprise party for every line'] 'Oh, you're hilarious', I'll say to myself... Nine times out of ten the really funny stuff is not planned and when it is, it's not nearly as ticklish. So I can't script coz my organised-humour sucks balls! Yes, I haven't tried but not the point right now!

Wait... actually, come to think of it, when I write articles, I'm hella funny... And for the most part, an article is 'planned' ie done in advance. It's not like they publish the very first draft that very day, that very moment as you write it. So maybe scripting is just lil articles in one.... Mm... I just had an aha-moment whilst typing this. With this blog, I always publish the first draft and edit it here and there. But mostly grammar and such, hardly ever chunks of text. I think a different approach maybe needed for the on-air product. Shorty figures the scripting does not have to be hella detailed. Key-words may work better. I concur. Maybe a mixture of both. Coz most of the time with scripts, whatever you plan to say, you never do. That on-air button throws you right off. But maybe in between the 'ums', I'll remember the prep and do it some justice.

Well, I'm gonna freak out, maybe I should try meditation instead....

Goodness I'm so excited about going on air soon. I'm hella keen to not only prove myself but also apply what I've learnt...

Last week, we were encouraged to research our listeners and also go figure what makes you distinct, unique, different! Everyone can back-announce, id the station and ride off a 'good radio voice' but really what makes you stand out from that 'I WANNA BE ON RADIO' crowd??!

Armed with a pen, I picked the brains of Lil Sis, Ma, my cousin, some fellow interns, Shorty and FFB (writing out 'Footsie-Footsie Boy' takes forever! Yes, I'm well-aware that the acronym amounts to BFF backwards. How appropriate. Shame that nigga is dope! Too bad he says he ain't tryna be friends coz I think we could totally be best buddies! Oh well...)

Once I got the feedback, I compared it to my own list of the things I reckon I'm good at. Um... Not many people said 'funny'. Hella disappointing. Instead straight-forward, assertive, opinionated, self-absorbed came up....
Nice... So the listeners are gonna love to hate me!

Saw Shorty yet again. We went, or rather, he went shopping again and I tagged along... but more about that later. We didn't kiss. Goodness, we didn't even hug. Like I've said before, this is like high school luvin'! I won't be suprised if we don't kiss again until next month. Ok ok I'm probably pushing it.... But I'm jus saying though...

A mutual girl friend of ours apparently hit the roof when she saw an fb message that I had sent him. She claimed me to be 'her territory' thus he should stay away. Funny coz she BEEN dating my ex on some clandestine tip. So why the hell is she catching feelings!? Actually, we long figured that she BEEN feelin Shorty for a minute... Like most psychos do... Never a dull moment in that nigga's life!

Day 44-45: Part1 - Rain promises a Rainbow...

Monday was anything but a good day. I missed the direct taxi to Rosebank and only just made it to the lecture which turned out to be yet another self-indulgent, long-winded artist-based flick from the 80s. This time we were treated to the majesty that is Prince and the artistic joke that is Purple Rain the movie. Another artist that thought he could act so he called up all his out-of-work, non-actor friends to hooked them up with paying gigs. As much as I delight in some charity, I was anything but delighted to be put through 90 minutes of that. And to top it all off... My all time favourite Prince song, 'Diamonds and Pearls' was not showcased in the movie. So I sat through that huffin n puffin for no climax....

So my morning was fucked! The weather was deteriorating fast. Fortunately, I was dressed for it with my sandals and peddle-pushers... Cute but not during chilly, cloudy temperatures! The music department was far from buzzing. And just when I thought things were picking up, it started to pour. Inside and out. The weather and the person. A good idea went horribly wrong.

There I was conversing with the Programming guy and my pending job interview came up which resulted im him listening to some of my radio links from my Top Stereo days. Granted, it wasn't great radio but it was what it was. And boy, was he unimpressed. My heart bled. Little did I know that it literally was bleeding out.... Red Robot! Once I had managed to tear myself from that office, I finally realised that Day One of a different kind had begun. Two types of emotions... I'm not pregnant- Yay! Babies are instant career killers! And oh, no wonder I been feeling like shit- Aaaaah [insert pout here].

The only thing that kept my spirit up was that Shorty was gonna come through and I'd be able to see his glow and unload on him. But it was already getting late and I was hella anxious already. Interview tomorrow. Right decision even?! All these damn questions... So to pass the time, I logged on to net, hustling for SA Blog Awards nominations... Then the email came in... That messed up my day... One simple, innocent request from my side, unleashed a tyrant from a highly sensitive stranger. 'not even a greeting. Is that the way to speak to a stranger?' she asked. Now this is
was the final straw!? So I picked up the phone and attempted to make my intentions clear. My mom assured me that I had every right to ask questions and I figured Miss Thang must be having a Day One of her own...

Shorty was MIA well into my bedtime, while I was preparing my Presentation... Needless to say that after my wack day, I was about to blow. I may have been slightly afraid of a confrontation but I knew that it had to come to a head, sometime...

In his text, he mentioned having thoughts of me and how sorry he is for not coming through today. Something came up. I, in turn, told him he sucked and that I was having the worst day and I had been looking forward to seeing him but because of my state it was probably a bad idea to see him coz I was feelin so needy earlier. You see... A guilt trip and independent woman tip in one text! Hella smart! He replied with 'I'm sorry about that'... That's when I flipped... I flatly stated how I really dunno why he bothers coz he clearly don't care. That's when he asked what's wrong and I said I'm tired of feeling like I'm chasing (coz it ain't my steez) and I'm about ready to walk. He insisted that I stick around coz it will be worth the wait. I just gotta be patient with him coz he's just scared and stuff.

In my highly irrational and emotional state, all I thought was 'wank, wank'... What wack excuses and I told him, it's no reason to stay. He didn't reply. And I was left wondering if I still had a date to FOREPLAY'S premiere, the following night with Ne-yo's Mad in the background....

I slugged through my proposal and went to bed for a measly five hours of sleep, feeling hella accomplished in the career department but hella stoopid in the romance department....... My heart was hella sore but my head was hella content... Can't win them all...

Day 31-36: Three's a crowd... Four's jus down right insane!

There are various ways to get over someone. And I think that in the past week I may have exhausted all avenues. Think of a TV game... Let's say Tekken 3... The only game, I've ever really enjoyed playing. Mostly coz I had the biggest crush on the karate kid with the thick red hair and killer abs. His name started with an H and he also rode a motorbike, decked out in tight near gay fitting leather... I know, it's strange, diggin on a computer generated being. But honestly, I hope there's a man out there that looks like that...even a slight resemblance would do. Ok I know... Not the point of this post but one more thing... Wasn't Eddy super suave with his smooth Brazilian ass kickin... Still attracted to his digital sex appeal... And then there's the female him with a slammin body and the hottest tits and naughty smile... Lol wow I'm like a step away from being a Pottin Trekie!

Back to my point... Think of a TV game... Actually Tekken was a bad example but you got to see my perverted side so not a complete waste of time. Think of Donkey Kong... You were steadedly making your way through the stages, with all three lives still in play, only to get to a part in the game with a tricky set up and you end up losing your lives in quick succession. GAME OVER! And no, you don't have a memory card. So you gotta start over.

Getting back to the premise, I figure I may have gone into overdrive too fast too soon in an attempt to purge myself of Lover, after Monday's flooding.

The plan for Tuesday, day 32, was to draw on the get-up-and-go attitude of early Monday morning, before being unceremoniously dumped. Of cos, this was bound to fail coz Lover was to stop by during the day. I was nervous and wondering anxiously if our spark still existed. I figured, if it was dead then I could move on quicker now that the tears have been taken care of. If the opposite was true, then I foresaw more tearful episodes in the future. Not a fan of the latter so with a heavy heart, I hoped for the former. And that's when I sub-consciously started building the walls. I couldn't even just talk to him like I used to. That sucked coz our connection is much more than a two week fling that died of cardiac arrest. So that hurt and without even realising it, I began to plaster the very walls I was building... He was high, tryna cope. I was fighting back tears, tryna perk up.

At the end of it, I handed over my gift- Estelle's Shine 'I SHINE, YOU SHINE, WE SHINE TOGETHER'... more like, 'I CRY, YOU CRY, WE CRY TOGETHER'....and hoped that it was over but not...

I know what I want but it's way too beautiful to be nurtured in a deceitful space and for that reason, the walls went up well into the end of the week. By Friday, I was focussing on work and trying not to think about him or talk about him or even communicate with him all as much in an feeble attempt to build that bridge and get over all of this. But most of all, I was and am determined not to cry. Coz I never wanna return to that place again. Like I told him and as dramatic as it sounds, I thought, I'd die from the heartache. Which is absurd but by day 34, the ultimate way to get over anyone, strolled through the door. Not even my type ie not tall dark and handsome but rather the opposite except for the handsome bit. And a lil chunky but also charming with the cutest smile. Clearly I was sold like any vulnerable person would be. So how many times must I meet somebody else whilst I'm still feeling somebody else. Isn't that merely a transfer of those feelings, from A onto B. Is that legit? Or is that a creative take on the Get-Out-of-Jail free card?

Well, long story short, light-skinned Shorty turned out to be an ass who doesn't look half as interested as im did on Friday or even in the weeks leading up to our official 'I DIGS YOU' talk. His sweet words were all for nought. I have also been flirting up a storm with another half-interested cutie or two so it serves me right. It would be too easy.

So I came clean with Lover about my sheer inability to continue being the other woman. He refuses to let go. Our breaking up on Monday pretty much didn't stick. The plan is to meet up soon. And I'ma stop ordering bags of cement. As for Shorty, he can kiss my sweet behind. And stay away from me coz I ain't tryna curse this week either. Should be hella interesting... I finally sent my demo to some people that work with corporate radio, voice-overs and such... And I'm hoping to start writing soon. I did the show all by myself on Saturday and was not too happy with it. Probably coz I'm hella worried about applying what I've learnt in lectures. Spinning head! RIGHT ROUND! Finally finished my first academic assignment, wish I hadn't spotted but alas... This week, we work hard and work at strengthening my arm. The sling will be coming off in about two weeks. Exciting.

Yesterday, I dreamt I was pregnant... I have a few theories about that... Will unpack those in the next post....

Day 9 to 12.... We gettin' up.... Been throwing up....

I've been hectically unmotivated to write since the week began. My last post was supposed to have a part two but Monday saw me struggling to keep down copious amounts of bitter bile, inching its way up my oesophogus.... Ultimately, the motion sickness got me and I hurled the liquid into a plastic folder. Good times!
That was the tone for the day pretty much sorted. Couldn't eat much. No. Couldn't eat anything but dry brown toast. My sense of smell was so incredibly intensified that I wanted to cut it off. Or atleast get 'Chris-Browned' right on it!

So why the hell did I head to work in the first place because in Survivor, as one of the girls put it, injured contestants get the boot. I ain't about to be sent home because of an ill-timed op. So I sucked it up. Bile and all. Ok not so much the bile but the discomfort, pain and lack of appetite and even a long winded lecture or two. Everyone gots an opinion nowadays. No, everyone likes the sound of their own voice.
All in a days work.

Day 3, Day 4.... Double dealings, double feelings....

Tuesday was relatively quiet. While Wednesday was quite the opposite. But before I get into the mechanics (sales word ha ha) involved, lets dissect my love-life for a sec. Paul and I are still talking, much to his (and a lil of mine) delight. It's tricky ending relations when we haven't seen eachother in over a month. Technically that should be more than enough reason to cut one's losses. But here we are, still exchanging heartfelt poetry. It's the thorn in my side because really I would rather just get on with the getting over it part. The sooner the tears come and go, the sooner I can move on. This amounts to picking at a wound everytime the first layer of the scab forms.
But I persist because Paul, for the most part is my anchor.... Imagine a flag attached to a pole.... Paul is the pole that keeps me connected to the earth below. He keeps me grounded. He reminds me whats real, whats true, whats important.
And that's what it means to be friends. Fortunately and unfortunately our relationship is so intertwined with the friendship that you can't have one without the other. And really the latter is the biggest loss. You can get romantic with anybody but a true, genuine friend is as rare as some London sun.

But ain't that how the cookie crumbles. It is what it is. As far as work is concerned the sexual tensions are rising and the fabulous foursome (Witch, the twins and me... A true Cinderella story) is bonding fast.... Well technically we jus share some laughs.
And boy is there plenty to laugh about.... Just today, I was in some heels to complement my corporate look... As part of the sales module, we went to an agency, one of the biggest in the country so I gots to look the part of a DIVA! Lol...

Naturally, I got ripped off for it. Beautse of my lack of ass, my pants looked a lil saggy which suits my hip hop persona just as well. Now I had been out all day and at the end of the day, we all just get together and share the events of the day. We also get to perve at the cutest lil boy who visits everyday, round that time. We all check him out and we get a kick out of being totally obvious. Lol. And he is the type that knows he's hot, takes it in his swag. Eish. Gotta love eye-candy. He is is a lil young though.
Yes, sexual tensions are high. Everyone is flirting with everyone. And it's clear whats in mind.
I just wanna keep to myself but it's hard not to get caught up.
Aargh.... I think it's a blessing in disguise that I will be away on Friday, getting my shoulder op done. They call it an anthroscopy. I'm freaking out a lil especially after googling our people's experiences and the mechanics involved.
You know, the more you know, the more you worry. I am looking forward to the anaesthesia... The last time, I had an op, I woke up feeling so rested and gooooood! Gimme that please... This traffic has left me feeling so drained.