The other day (Monday I think), my supervisor who is a lil loony walked in and said that she had a dream or nightmare that I walked into work and complained that I was anxious. The way she told the story, you could tell that she woke up in a state. To top it all off, she alluded to being right when she has "dreams" like that. I was a lil freaked but mostly dismissive coz she's so damn dramatic so I take her declarations with a pinch of salt coz they so damn laughable. It was rather absurd coz I was feeling so good, so good, so good, so good... Cutie and I were working through some thangs... I was feelin positive about my goals and the new week... I had a good rest over the weekend and my kids' Nativity play had gone very well. I was, for the lack of a better word, "happy". And mind you- I hate to just throw that word around... I guess right now, that feeling was the closest thing to happy compared to the way I'm feeling now.
Not even two days later, here I am. ANXIOUS as fk.
I've told lots of stories about Cutie's deceit before. So I'm hella embarrassed and humiliated to be here again after I had mistakenly thought that we were making progress. I was even thinking that maybe LOVE has to hurt so that you can tell how good it feels. It's like sunshine after a long bout of chilly rain. You ache for it to tingle all over your body...
Well, Cutie has been going through some things as far as his ex-gf is concerned. Lets call her M. She is apparently in a very bad space, complete with a unsupportive family, bad health and no job. The way he explained it is that even though he was over it, he felt that he couldn't just abandon her the same way that all her other tertiary buddies had. Now it takes a strong woman to be ok with the guy she digs playing Nurse to his ex. Even I couldn't deal with it but I dealt with it. I even asked to meet her. This has yet to happen. And after revelations from seven hours ago, I doubt it ever will.
So Cutie had taken M to the doc to get checked out. No medical aid means hefty private health bills so I contributed a lil something something. Despite his mild objections, he took the money and saw the doc yesterday. When he returned, he showed me some of the meds. And now that I've thought about it, when I look at the pills, I naturally checked the name on the slip, half-expecting it to say M's first name but instead it was a long-ass African name... N. I thought maybe she signed up with her real name, not her slave name so I let i go but the whole time as he was narrating the doctor's appointment, I felt that he wasn't telling me something. Just a hunch. And I said as much. He denied. I asked repeatedly and eventually just blamed it on paranoia.
Even though, I know better. My ex-flame from two years ago, who, ironically enough, has been hollering at me recently... Well, he used to say "paranoia is also instinct". I didn't get then but now I do but as I've said before, instinct is only proven after the fact...
While Cutie and I were talking and making out, my fears about M sorta disappeared. Coz he was with me, I guess. Well, during the kissing, I got all emotional and for the life of me, I couldn't understand why I was on the verge of tears... And neither could he...
I figured it out during the ride home... All that I wanted seemed like it was finally coming together... It seemed like a certain reality that we'd end up together like normal folk coz he was even talking about cutting ties with M. He said it would be "the right thing to do" even though it would hurt her. I didn't quite understand. Now I sorta do.
But back to that in a sec... My emotional moment came from me being scared of being hurt again by him coz I could feel myself fallin harder n harder. I explained that to him and apologised profusely for my girly-pants attitude... He said it's ok... I'm an awesome person. Naturally.
When we spoke today, he said that he had dropped off M's pills last night and she was coming along nicely. Relief. My show didn't go too well coz my presenter failed to pitch and had to be replaced withing five minutes to air... So imagine my sheer disappointment. Cutie tried to perk me up. And he did. Just the sight of him achieved exactly that.
Until all hell broke loose...
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