My attention has really been on my exam and of course the on-air stuff. Constantly planning links and thinking of ways to make exciting radio. You may be half-asleep during 4AM and 5AM but really I gots no business contributing to that state of mind.
So what's my plan? Well, the words of the Programming Manager keep ringing in my head. Keep your links sweet and short and punchy. But so far, everybody has done the exact opposite. I can understand their thought-process though. They want to impress with humorous, interesting banter. The more you talk, the bigger the chance to be impressive and likewise, the larger the opportunity to suck. That's when the heartburn hits my chest!
But really, I gots to know how to take direction, right. So I'ma have to keep my words to a minimum. Think Ryan Seacrest's slickness and swag on the mic. Dope/Doe Boy Fresh (DBF)! I want that to be me! I plan to be exciting, spunky and all up in your face! Make you wanna get up without saying too much and I figure if I can manage that then I'm legend!
But of cos, I'm beginning to doubt myself. Hella nervous! I can't wait to rock my hour but then again, I could totally wait out of sheer anxiety.
Meanwhile back at the ranch... Shorty and I had yet another fight, at the beginning of last week, over the same tired topic... There I was minding my own business on Tuesday, keen to go on study leave, glad to have finished my SAMAs piece when The Girls walked in and one of them told me how she had witnessed Shorty in a shady, compromising situation at some night-spot during the weekend.
I felt the tears sting the back of my eye-balls as she spoke about this floozy that had her arms around him and was kissing his neck. The disgust welled up in my stomach, followed by sheer self-disappointment. How can you be so stupid, I asked myself. I was so sick and tired and pissed at the timing that I typed up a text and actually sent it this time. Because of my self-blame, it was rather mild-mannered. I wasn't about to scream n shout n curse coz in my head, there would be no point coz clearly this ain't the first time. Clearly I been gettin played. So I just told him that I can't deal with all these stories of him entertaining groupies so we should just end this. He called. I switched off my phone. I won't lie but I was rather pleased that he was appearing to be freakin out but at the same time, I thought, he only ever takes me seriously when I'm at the door with my suitcase packed! I also tried to think how he would explain his way out of this one. I thought how blind am I. How stoopid must I be. How pathetic. How retarded. Like what am I waiting for- to find him in bed with somebody else?
All these questions but only one answer. Go study!Well, that was not about to happen. Well not that day. Instead I texted him again to say I wasn't tryna be rude but I know that if we talk, he's just gonna sweet-talk me out of my decision. He was actually rather mad and frustrated. From the sounds of the voice-messages that he left, demanding that I answer my phone to the texts that said he was tired of explaining himself and that we were over before we even begun (becaus of all these stories I was being fed). That stung. But that's one thing you will always receive from anger. It will make people show another side to themselves. It may be the truth or a defence mechanism. Either way, it has the potential to have some devastating repercussions.
In fact, in the midst of our heated text chat, I was having flashbacks of the last such chat I had with my BFF from varsity who hooked up with my ex flame behind my back and then turned around and accused me of jealousy when I condemned her actions. After that, I didn't see how we could ever be friends again because she just didn't get it. She was not sympathetic towards my feelings or even empathetic. It was all about her and I had to just accept her skanky behaviour. She even went on to say that she didn't even really like me and that I can only wish I was like her and no amount of therapy could fix me. That hurt because I was in therapy following my grandmother's death.... That comment proved to be the nail in the coffin! (Therapy proved to be the catalyst for my path to self discovery actually... but I digress...)
My text chat with Shorty could've easily gone that route and I could hate him right now but we handled it. And I think that's because we were both not ready to walk away. Not yet. Not now. Although I was not about to admit it at that point... I did all but beg him to confess instead because I needed to know that was not walking away from this because of a really dumb reason. Whatever that could be. Yes, I kept hoping for some sort of explanation that would make me nod my head feverishly and say 'ah yes, that explains it all.'
And then the magic moment came...
dont keep us hanging
ReplyDelete