You may truly be suffering from buyer's remorse but sometimes it's just the culmination of both self-doubt and greed- ie feeling as though you don't really deserve such pleasure for whatever inane reason, missing the thrill of the chase and wondering if you can get this, what else is in store which could be bigger n better.
Shorty asked me to be his girlfriend on Friday night/early hours of Saturday morning. Yes, I know I should just live in the moment and enjoy this. But please just indulge me for a sec....
No question about it, I'm hella flattered. I did not see it coming though. That nigga lives for suprising me, I swear. I never really know how he's gonna act, react, respond. It keeps me on my toes, I guess. And very independent in thought. I couldn't try impress him even if I tried coz I never know where his head is at. Plus, that just ain't my steez. He likes that. He said he is looking for somebody to keep him grounded... And um it appears that I'm the only one in the running coz he knows that many chicks that holla at him are doing it for superficial reasons. I know right, also shock-ed that he knows as much... Not jus a cutie...
So am I having second thoughts? Not really. Just thinking how crazy the past two months been and if being his gf will prove to be easier. Or will the pressure of a relationship tear us apart for good. Doesn't it amount to getting hitched even when you're in troubled waters. Or throwing a baby into the mix. That's jus stoopid!
I really had just gotten my head around us just dating. As in only dating. Nothing hectic or serious. I thought we'd do an extended version of that beginning part of hooking up. Dating without expecting much. I hate to put it that way but I thought we'd be like friends that hang out and make out.
Slightly better than 'friends with benefits' but certainly on the same (lack of) accountability level. I was so over expecting something half-decent from him and our lil set-up coz those expectations and hopes gave me mild heart-burn. So I let go a tad. And lo and behold, it made him realise that this is where he wanna be. I think. Hell, I hope. But lately he's been dropping that 'I don't wanna lose you' line.
I remember using that line on a few occasions when I could feel that I was about to lose my partner.
I wish I could say I planned it all. As if! And even as I joke, I know this ain't gonna be easy but we really been working hard at this. Yes, everyone been saying that there shouldn't be any difficulty in the beginning. I say well, there is no hard n fast rule. Again, what's meant to be will be.
I figured that I should resave his digits. It's weird seeing his name on my screen now. It's weird being somebody's girlfriend again considering that I was not looking to get involved. I guess that's the best kinda situation... Um... I dunno why I think that. I JUST DO. I figure it to be serendipity... A pleasant suprise. I don't like talking about this coz I really ain't sure where my head's at.
Like I said in a tweet, it's like getting new spectacles when you didn't really know that your vision was blurry. Now everything is clearer but now you don't have the words to describe what you are seeing... Make sense...?
Yeah... Not so much? So until we can use words (heard this on Supernanny. A mother talking to one of her tantrum-prone twins) , we will be enjoying it. Until we have reason or the rationale to feel otherwise... Wow... That sounds dodge simply coz with matters of the heart, logic gets thrown out the window so why am I feeling heartburn? Do I wanna do this or not? Aaaargh... Oh goodness... Heartburn!
I'm scared that I'll put down my walls for Shorty and I'll only get hurt. Only so much a girl can take. And in a relationship, you can't be mucking about. Get real or get out! You see!? Aaaargh! So we ready for that? Really? Eish... Let's ride and see... I know I can do it. I jus wonder about him. And really... should I be getting hectically involved with somebody I wonder about? Can't believe I'm still asking these questions. You know when I'm around him, I can't find these words. When I'm around him, his eyes reassure me. And all this amounts to paranoia. Ain't it funny.
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