Day 57-58: oh goodness...

You know when you like somebody so much that you sorta gag after talking to them coz you are so sure that you made an utter fool of yourself during that lil conversation. Or when they call at night and they are brazen enough to figure, out loud, that they are the reason for your insomnia. On the flip side, you cleverly realise that besides them being aware of how absolutely smitten you are, their call also indicates that they may be suffering from a similar affliction because of a lil thing called you... That's when your tummy gets tied up into so many knots that you wanna sit on it, somehow and squash those damn butterflies. You're certain that you could literally pass out from experiencing this overwhelming emotion... But then you realise that it's just gas... Once that's passed... You go back to wishing he was there, kissing you, holding you, talking, laughing, staring... Then your toes curl in... You think back to that earlier conversation... And the gag reflex kicks in...
It's a vicious, highly contradictory cycle which makes you wish, with much hesitation, that the situation would just plateau so that you may ultimately be able to get some sleep.

Why am I so shy around you/ Why am I so shy/ Why do I take care to astound you/ Why do I even try...

Shorty finds it incredulous that I, so dope and hella interesting, feels that way about him. Which is hella humbling coz I feel that way about him. Every time I expect him to tune me some story about me coming on too strong or suffocating him, he doesn't. Or the worst thing that a man can say, 'I'm not ready for a relationship.' He even says our hand-holding feels natural. Yes, he says all the right things... [insert deep, long, heavy sigh here]... And yet I doubt...

Today, I was labelled a playa by one of the fellow interns. She and some other dude starting counting all the guys with whom I've ever shared a hug (only two have really gotten more). But the truth is, It makes no difference to me if ten guys dig me at once coz much of the time, my definition of 'dig' is usually a lil different from theirs. Being objectified sucks. Its the price of beauty. The price of lust. The price of being a woman really. And it only just adds to our paranoia and mistrust of men in general. It's funny how I understand that from my point of view but I struggle when I try see it from where Shorty is standing.

Side-thought: I dunno where I'm going with this... So maybe I should just start with Monday...

His wicked sense of humour/ Suggests/ Exciting sex/ His fingers/ They focus on her/ Touches/ Venus as a boy... He believes in beauty/ He's Venus as a boy...
He's exploring/ The taste of her/ Arousal so accurate/ He sets off/ The beauty in her/ He's Venus/ Venus as a boy...

Ok that was the last digression...
My memory is a lil hazy but Shorty took me home coz car-pool-dude was off sick. Plus he had to make it up to me, right... Another session on the road in traffic.... And before I knew it, we were pullin up to my crib....

Tuesday began before dawn at an Outside Broadcast in Soweto. Once back at the office, there was nil to do so I went in search of physiotherapist. Oh and some deo.... Just before heading to my 1 'o clock at my former employer. They won't be giving me the other position but a marketing co-ordinator position. Dope! Slight problem, they are keen for me to start, like yesterday. But wait, what about my radio dream... Mm... Dunno hey...