Day 18-24: Where does this road lead...?

I began this blog with the noble intention of documenting my life. Mostly coz I think that they'll need this information for my E! True Life Story. Honestly, there's plenty I learn on a day to day basis and I feel that in order to truly learn anything, I gotta be conscious of it. And my awareness is reaffirmed through writing. That's my steez. I can write some poetry but things only really come full circle through writing. Although writing about oneself exclusively feels hella strange and self-involved. And shallow. I do care about the important issues but really now, how big an effect is SA's looming recession got on my life. I mean a direct deadly threat that keeps me awake at night. What's worse than conceitedly writing about yourself is writing flat, uninspired pieces. Its a waste of effort and time. So I'm back here... Writing about the self...

Truth is I haven't been able to blog as often as I been doing coz my life has reached a PG status. Which brings into question.... Should you really be doing something that you wouldn't readily share... And that dear ol scripture comes to mind...something about God knows what you been doing in the shadows, He knows everything. I don't doubt that for a second. The one that scares me is the bit about everything that you do in the dark, will come to the light. I'd rather people didn't know. Hence my reluctance to share the activities of the past week and a half. Just in case the wrong people see it and it fucks with my bigger plan.... I ain't tryna self-destruct...

But I ain't keen to just write about how I wanna share but I can't... That's a sure blog-killer and it renders me unable to even promote this blog because I don't want other people misinterpreting my thoughts, feelings and actions.

Again, I'm at a place where I'm tryna figure whats what coz up feels like down... And wrong is right. That hazy grey area has clouded everything. Maybe conveniently so....

I was innocent at first. Goodness knows I was. I was not checking for a man... But then he came.... And put a spanner in my newly acquired machine. I wasn't even checking for him. He came outta the blue. And even now as I sit here, making my way to work, I can smell his scent. Which is super strange and frustrating coz he ain't here... Plus I've just stepped out a bath with fresh clothes that he ain't ever touched... It's also hella intoxicating... He's my new thing.... I was so scared that I would be so stressed playing Survivor for the next six months but he's managed to take me out of that toxic space and I'm living a lil.... A lot... I'm free... [whose song is that again??? FREE!? Oh yeah Destiny's Child last album... That joint's fire...] And that's the effect he has on me... I believe that God bestows all that good stuff... And that feeling of liberty can only come from Him... So its pure and good... Then why oh why would God send me an unavailable man with a baby momma?! Especially when he saw how focussed I was.... Like attracts like right.... I thought I was over attracting unavailable men with lotsa luggage.... I don't wanna mess with my karma... Should I just walk away [not happening...] or see to this affair's demise.... Well after this week, I won't be seeing him as much... Which sucks but if anything, I believe that's how God planned it. I'll look back at this and know the lesson... Right now, I'm smack in the middle of class....

Is it possible to fall for somebody so quickly? But don't they say that things that start up quick, end just as swiftly and for that very reason, I can't expect him, or even demand that he leave his woman coz I don't think I can offer everything she can... ie live-in pussy, a mother, an extended family and half a decade of emotions... I'm just a girl in her early 20's[23 in a coupla days and still making the same mistakes as my late teens]... If I'm gonna wreck a home, I gots to be able to step up.... I'm not about to just let him or even us screw up so many lives for lustful purposes... And I told him as much... We gotta be sure... As much as it pains me to say that... It is what it is... Ha ha of cos my low self esteem has nothing to do with me doubting myself and what I can offer him or even a possible relationship.... [Hey, I just figured that now... You see that's why I write...]

soundtrack to this post... What it is- Ras Kass!