He walks outside for a cigarette break/ And thinks how many cigarettes does it take/ He takes a long drag with the sun in his eye/ He squints, he thinks, he starts to sigh/ Sometimes he cry/ When he thinks about his girlfriend on his side/ She held it down/ She made him better/ Fought the love through fucked up weather/ And she thinking about her life/ With no more work, just being a wife/ But instead her love, she gave it to a man/ Who fought against her lovely plans/ So when she go to work plus go to school/ Plus fight the love, she must feel like a fool/ She want the ease to come after pain/ She fight for love, that's her campaign/ We fight, we love...
[Q-tip ft Raphael Saddiq... We Fight, We Love]
I may have been raring to go yesterday but after barely getting through the day... I'm deflated and emotionally exhausted... Pretty much the personification of a Blue Monday... [The same way, according to some guy on the radio, that Obama is the personification of globalisation because of his 360 degree view of the world ie not jus Europe inclined like his predecessor was... That's one helluva compliment... But I digress...]
I started off the day with a session with one the country's leading radio brains. Not only is Bob Mabena, four decades of prime rib experience, he is also hella easy on the eye. That never hurts. Although, his daughter is a mere three years younger than me... Hectic.
During the smoke break, I checked up on fb like any normal fb fundi would do. And to my suprise Lover had sent me a message, dripping with pain, sadness... expressing his guilt and tacit reluctance to continue creeping... My heart sank... The end is nigh I thought... So I called him... To get a clearer picture? Probably to put the nails in the coffin... He sounded the way I felt. The weight of the world on his shoulders. He'd seen his kid during the weekend and the episode had made him think hard about putting her in a broken home.
And of cos, I understood. Its logic and totally reasonable. That doesn't make it any less hurtful. If anything, I shouldn't be in this situation to begin with. But alas... Plus everything happens for a reason.... Right?! Please! That didn't stop the tears. And my day was screwed from that moment. A random chat with somebody, got the waterworks going. And I never cry in front of people. Especially in a work space. In fact at my last job, it took five months for my breakdown to occur. Four weeks is a personal record. On three different occasions during the afternoon, I bawled [twice in a toilet, the last one was just before I went home... That ugly sort of cry that makes it look like you got beat up and makes you sound like someone died...luckily I had a trucker hat on...]
So now I threw myself at God's mercy coz even though, I messed up... The cool thing about being in a bad place, you can only look up... Tough times draw you closer to God... So maybe that's the lesson... I dunno... I'm clutching at straws here... Once again, I've managed to hurt myself. With even more intensity than before. But I've also managed to feel more... So much... So good... And I wouldn't trade those moments for nothing... Maybe another time... Coz honestly, that affinity wouldn't allow me to pull away. And his sadness, our sadness confirms that...
But that's that. My footprint moment. This too shall pass. He'll carry me through... He always does.
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